


A Higher Epsilon

by deadto27



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Amputee Bucky Barnes, Angst, Dog Walker Bucky Barnes, Dogs, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Forgetful Bucky Barnes, M/M, Meet-Cute, Oblivious Bucky Barnes, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, The one where Bucky doesn't realise they're dating, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, paramedic steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:07:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 91,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22958416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadto27/pseuds/deadto27
Summary: Bucky has always wanted a dog. Now finally he has one and it’s everything he wanted and more. It opens up his life in ways he never expected. He especially didn’t expect to meet Steve at the dog park. He didn’t expect they’d become friends. He really didn’t expect that they’d be dating. Unfortunately nobody’s clued Bucky in to that last part.-----He feels frozen in panic. It’s their second day together and he’s lost her. He’s lost his dog.He’s spiralling until suddenly there’s a little yip noise and Bucky snaps his head up to see his dog in front of him, in the arms of someone else.“Ohmygod,” he hisses out in pure relief, breathing hard. He doesn’t think he’s ever been so relieved in all his life.“Is this your dog?” the owner of the arms asks.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 1561
Kudos: 1225





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm back again...I know I said I was working on a high school AU, but it just wasn't working for me. I might return to it eventually, who knows. But this is what appeared instead. It's fluff and dogs, and okay some angst, cause I can't not, but I hope you like it.
> 
> Please note, I don't have a dog and never have, so I'm probably gonna get dog-looking-aftering wrong. I also have no experience of brain injuries, so that's made up too and likely medically inaccurate.
> 
> Apart from that, as per usual, I have no schedule for this and it's still being written as I post cause I like to live dangerously 😆
> 
> Written for AO3. Do not repost elsewhere.
> 
>   
> Beautiful art by [watercolorvigilante](https://watercolorvigilante.tumblr.com), thank you so much!
> 
>   
> Gorgeous moodboard by the fabulous [fishcustardandclintbarton](https://fishcustardandclintbarton.tumblr.com), thank you!

Bucky is a planner. He thinks things through. He always considers all the possibilities before making a decision. At least he thought he did.

Somehow, with all the possibilities he thought of, he never thought of this.

His parents had thought it would be good for him. Hell, Bucky thought so too—it was his idea. And they were right. Yesterday morning, at ten-thirteen, Bucky’s world suddenly and instantly felt so much brighter, because she was finally his.

He had his very own dog.

He’d wanted one all his life and now, finally, at twenty-seven, he’d finally managed it. It had taken a long while to get to this point. First it had meant moving into his own place. With a yard. And that first step was probably the hardest.

He knew it was looked down on, considered pathetic and lame and a hundred other words, but until three months ago, Bucky had still been living with his parents. Of course, once people found out he was a soldier, discharged on medical grounds, they became a lot more understanding about it. And the thing was, he didn’t hate it, living at home. People always seemed to complain about lack of privacy and nagging, but honestly, Bucky has no social life to speak of, so really the company was welcome more so than annoying. Plus with his arm, he’d needed the endless support of his parents for a while.

But he didn’t want to stay forever, as much as his mom seemed to want him to. He wanted to get back to being independent and adult and all those things people are supposed to be at his age. Things he was before he lost his arm.

So he finally accepted his parents’ offer to help, because frankly, it was never going to happen without them, and they found a little two-bedroom, one-storey house for him to rent, not too far away, but not too near either. And so far, it’s been both better and worse than Bucky expected.

He’s fine at taking care of himself now. He’s had his shiny new metal arm for almost seven months, and he can cook and clean and all that, and basically do everything he did before. But the loneliness sometimes settles in. He hadn’t really expected that.

That’s where his new dog comes in. Bucky’s never been so excited than that morning when he finally got to pick her up. He’d spent the rest of the morning showing her the house and getting her settled and used to him. She seems pretty happy already, Bucky thinks.

And then today his phone beeped with the alarm he’d set to remind him it was time for a walk. Their first proper walk together.

But it turns out, the downside of owning probably the cutest dog in the city, or maybe the whole world—the thing he didn’t factor in—is people.

People keep stopping him to coo at his dog. On their very first walk to the park together, Bucky’s been stopped four times already. They’re barely ten feet from the gate they came in.

He doesn’t mind people wanting to pet his dog, he really doesn’t. She’s beautiful. He understands that people think she’s adorable. But they expect him to be friendly and to talk and Bucky just...he’s not good at that sort of thing. Some people seem to think he’s shy. Others probably think he has social anxiety. They’re probably both right. He can see how the people grimace when he gives one-word answers to questions and doesn’t further the conversation, and how they look completely confused when he says his dog doesn’t have a name yet.

He knows that’s weird. But he only just got her, and Bucky feels like he needs to get to know her first. He doesn’t explain this to people. He knows it sounds nuts. Most people already have a name picked out when they get a pet. He also doesn’t have it in him to talk to strangers for that long. Luckily, most of them stop only for a minute or so, and then move on, either put off by him or his metal hand when they spot it. He doesn’t bother to hide it. If people have a problem with it, then that’s their problem. His arm represents a second chance for him, an opportunity to do things for himself and live almost normally, and he’ll never be ashamed of having it. He’s entirely and forever grateful.

They eventually get away from the current woman cooing, and Bucky heads for a bench in a patch of sun. It’s early April, so the sun’s warm but not blazing, and there’s a nice breeze with only a slight chill to it. He still needs his brown jacket on for a bit of warmth, but it’s nice to be out in the fresh air, Bucky thinks. He didn’t get out the house much before. He enjoys the way the wind moves through his just past chin-length hair, even though he knows it’ll be a pain to get the knots out later.

He pours out water for his dog into the travel bowl he bought and he sits there and watches her happily lap it up.

She is _adorable_. He feels like his heart might burst. She’s an Australian Shepherd, with beautiful grey, white, black and orange in her coat and her paws are still too big for her body. And she’s excitable about everything. Bucky smiles to himself as she gets distracted by a butterfly, head darting around to follow it, big paws stamping around.

He leans down to pick her up, because he just can’t help himself. She lets out a tiny indignant yelp before she seems to realise she’s just going to sit on Bucky’s lap and then she just stares up at him.

Bucky pets her head, smiling at her, other arm round her back so she doesn’t fall. “I think I love you already,” he whispers to her. He feels like he hasn’t been this happy in ages. Maybe forever.

It’s probably because he’s so enamoured with her that he makes the mistake. He puts the leash down for one second so he can get her a treat from his pocket and then everything happens in slow motion.

She jumps from his lap, zooming after a tennis ball that’s just been thrown for another dog, and Bucky jumps up in shock, ready to race after her, but he trips over his own feet in his haste and face-plants onto the ground.

He catches himself just barely, but his right hand and his knees throb as they take the brunt of the fall. The left hand sends a bit of a shockwave up his arm, making his shoulder ache. He staggers to his feet and looks around, but he can’t see his dog anywhere now. The park has lots of trees and bushes and she could be anywhere.

He feels frozen in panic. It’s their second day together and he’s lost her. He’s lost his dog. He can’t even call her name, because she doesn’t have one yet, because he’s an idiot.

“Ohmygod,” he utters in quiet horror to himself. He starts moving, breaking into a run, but he doesn’t know what direction to go in. His eyes dart around as he tries to find her. Oh god, what if she ran out the park? People are supposed to close the gates behind them, but what if they didn’t? What if she ran into the road? What if he can’t find her? There are tears in his eyes as he comes to a stop in a panic. He can’t breathe. He rests his hands on his knees as he bends over, trying to get air.

He knows he needs to ask people for help, but he can’t breathe, let alone speak.

He’s spiralling until suddenly there’s a little yip noise and Bucky snaps his head up to see his dog in front of him, in the arms of someone else.

“Ohmygod,” he hisses out in pure relief, breathing hard. He doesn’t think he’s ever been so relieved in all his life.

“Is this your dog?” the owner of the arms asks.

Bucky nods and reaches out, focus still entirely on his dog. Luckily, the arms pass her right over and Bucky clings to her, burying his face in her fur a little, before getting the end of her leash in his left hand and gripping onto it for dear life. A crowbar couldn’t pry his metal fingers open now.

It takes him a moment to remember the person there, as he finally looks up, panic finally settling a little. “Thank you,” he says quietly to the stranger, the man, in front of him. He finally takes notice enough to see it’s a concerned looking blond guy in front of him. A very, very handsome, clean-shaven blond guy, wearing a tight grey long-sleeved running shirt and navy joggers, with well-worn sneakers on his feet.

“You okay?” the man asks.

Bucky manages a shaky nod, wrapping the leash round his wrist to secure it even more. There’s no way she’s gonna be able to pull away again.

“Oh shit, you’re bleeding.”

Bucky looks down to see the man is right. His right hand is scraped to shit, bleeding, and now he takes stock, he’s sure his jeans are ripped at the knees where they’re probably bleeding too. “It’s okay,” he manages. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he has his dog back.

“No, it’s not. Here, come sit over here,” the man gestures to the grass a few feet behind them where there’s a backpack sitting there. “I have a first aid kit in my bag.”

Bucky is about to shake his head again—he’s had so much worse than a couple of scraps—but he suddenly feels a little woozy, probably from shock, and then there’s a gentle but supporting grip on his right elbow.

“C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up.” The guy guides him over and helps Bucky sit, still cradling his dog in his arms. The guy then fishes a mini first aid kit out his bag. “I’m a paramedic,” the guy explains, probably at Bucky’s look of surprise that he actually has one with him. “Here, hand first,” he gestures, and Bucky moves his dog so she’s on the ground, but tucked securely under his other arm, leash still gripped tight. He offers his right hand up, always good at following orders.

“My name’s Steve, by the way,” Steve says as he wipes away the blood and then wipes over Bucky’s hand carefully with antiseptic. It stings but Bucky doesn’t flinch. “Rogers,” he adds, as he concentrates on Bucky’s hand.

“Bucky Barnes,” Bucky manages, hand tingling.

“And who’s this terror?” Steve asks with a little grin over at his dog.

Bucky goes a bit red. “She, um, she doesn’t have a name yet.”

“No?” Steve seems curious rather than outright surprised. “Want to make sure it suits her, huh?”

Bucky can’t help feeling a little flummoxed that Steve gets it straight away. He nods as Steve wraps some gauze round Bucky’s hand. Bucky notices him glancing at Bucky’s left hand—his metal hand—but he doesn’t comment on it.

“So did you just get her?” Steve continues, talking jovially, probably the way he’s trained to do, Bucky thinks, to keep people calm.

“Yesterday,” Bucky confirms.

“Wow. And then she has to run off and scare you to death, huh?” Steve chuckles a little, sympathetically, and then gives Bucky his hand back and gestures towards his left knee. “Socks did that a few times to me when I first got him. Terrified me.” Steve must see Bucky’s confused face because he continues. “Oh, Socks is my dog.” Then he lets out a loud whistle and within a few moments, there’s a golden retriever bounding towards them.

Bucky’s dog instantly starts squirming under his arm, eager to say hi to Socks, apparently.

“Oh, Socks is real friendly if you’re worried,” Steve tells him as he notices Bucky shifting his dog back a bit. “He won’t hurt her or nothin’, don’t worry.”

Bucky looks at Socks, who seems interested in saying hi, but is apparently very well trained because he’s staying by Steve’s side. “Um, okay,” Bucky relents, and lets go of his dog, but keeps a firm hold on her leash.

She immediately moves forward to sniff at Socks, who starts doing the same.

“I think they like each other,” Steve smiles, as he closes up his first aid kit. “All done.”

Bucky looks down. He barely noticed Steve cleaning up through the jeans that did get ripped at the knee on the left side. The right managed to stay intact, though is probably bruised under there. “Thank you,” he utters, grateful for the help and surprised at how willingly it was offered.

“Absolutely no problem,” Steve smiles, his whole face lighting up.

He really is gorgeous, Bucky thinks in passing as he gingerly gets to his feet. He feels better. The shock of his dog running away is wearing off now and yeah, his hand and knees hurt, but thanks to Steve, he’s not going to get an infection or something. Infections really suck.

“C’mon puppy,” he murmurs, tugging ever so gently on his dog’s leash. He doesn’t want to take up anymore of Steve’s time.

Steve helps by getting up and clipping a leash onto Sock’s collar and tugging him away a little. “C’mon boy, say bye to your new friend.”

Socks whines a little, which Bucky thinks is adorable. Even other dogs love his dog.

“Aw, don’t worry, hopefully we’ll see Bucky and puppy again soon.” Steve smiles at Bucky as he says this.

Bucky almost manages a little smile, which is amazing considering how Steve’s bright smile almost floors him. No one smiles at Bucky like that. Bucky tries to pull himself together. He thinks it’s cute how Steve’s reassuring his dog. It almost sounds like he actually wants to see them again too, but then Bucky figures, who wouldn’t. He does have the cutest dog in the world, after all, even if he’s the unfortunate tag-along in the pair.

“Thank you for finding her,” he tells Steve again. He wishes he had words to explain how grateful he is, but words aren’t his strong suit, especially right now.

“Not a problem,” Steve replies gallantly. “She’s a gorgeous dog,” he adds.

Bucky nods and looks down at his dog, heart swelling. “Yeah,” he agrees softly. He can’t believe how much he loves her already.

He looks back up and realises he should go. He gives Steve a small, dorky, somewhat awkward wave and they head off. He knows he didn’t really walk his dog for long enough, but he needs to get her back home. They’ve had more than enough excitement for one day. Bucky’s stress levels can’t take it.

Still, he can’t help thinking that it was a nice encounter that he had with Steve, even if it did arise from something horrible happening. He knows his mom will be pleased to hear that he even talked to anyone at least.

He sort of daydreams on the way home, thinking it would be nice if they did run into Steve again, though Bucky kind of doubts they will. Still, he can’t help thinking about Steve’s smile and how it really seemed aimed at him. He's spent a long time trying to be invisible, but for once, it felt nice to be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve's dogs. Though Bucky's is more large puppy size right now.
> 
> As always, I live to hear from you. Questions, comments, wonderments are all welcome and gratefully received 💜


	2. Chapter 2

She’s staring at him.

Her big dog eyes are just adorable, looking all cute as Bucky eats his lunch.

He relents and feeds her just the tiniest bit of chicken from his sandwich. “No more using the eyes, ya hear?” he warns her softly, knowing what a pushover he is.

After the scare at the park, the rest of the yesterday went much better. His puppy bounded around the house with apparent endless energy, until it was like a switch flipped and he caught her practically falling over as she fell asleep in an instant. Bucky almost squealed at the cuteness. And each time she does something, he thinks it’s the cutest thing and then she goes and does something even cuter five minutes later. Bucky just about died with happiness when his dog curled up next to him on his bed that night, having been a little hesitant the night before. She seems to have already gotten used to him.

His mom also called to see how the day went, and his parents have plans to visit tomorrow to meet his dog. Bucky wanted her to settle in first so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed with lots of new people, but she seems very adaptable already. Plus he wanted to prove he could do this all himself, without any help.

He hopes his parents will be proud of him. Except for his moronic mistake at the park, he thinks he’s doing pretty well so far. His dog seems relaxed and happy, if a little bit crazy, but that’s because she’s still young, he figures. And he enjoys how much attention she seems to want, because he’s happy to devote practically all his time to her.

He still hasn’t chosen a name for her, but he knows he needs to today. He wants her to get used to it as soon as possible, so he can avoid another park disaster. Not that he’s ever letting go of her leash again, at least until she’s much older and fully trained.

“Okay, pup,” Bucky says as he puts his now empty plate in the sink and then turns to her. “What do you think? What name do you think you should have?”

She yips at him, still excited by almost any movement he makes, and tilts her head sideways, making her look curious, and Bucky’s heart squeezes in on itself. She’s so damn cute.

“Hmm…” Bucky muses. He’s always disliked generic names that everyone has (hence why he goes by Bucky instead of James) so it needs to be something different. He heads over to his dark grey couch, puppy following him, and his eyes fall on the book he’d been reading last night about space, where it’s lying on his glass coffee table.

It’s a really good book. Lately he likes reading and watching things about space. It reminds him of how much is out there, and helps make his problems seem smaller, because really, he’s just an insignificant speck in the universe. He reaches out to pick it up, thinking about the names of planets and suddenly he just knows, and it clicks. He’d been reading about stars and one name jumps out at him from yesterday, as he flips through the pages.

Epsilon Boötis, official name Izar, but also known as Pulcherrima, which in Latin means ‘the most beautiful’.

Bucky huffs in amazement and looks over at his dog. Well that would certainly suit her. He feels a warm glow as thinks about it.

“What do you think?” he asks her. “I could call you Epsi for short?”

She just blinks at him and then yawns.

He runs the name through his head. It’s cute. It would suit her and it has meaning behind it. He loves it.

He gets to his knees and rubs her face between his hands, full of happiness. “I’m gonna call you Epsi, do you like it?”

She licks his face, jumping up excitedly.

Bucky takes this to mean that yes, she does. He grins at her and then his phone interrupts them.

It’s time for their walk.

Bucky sets a lot of alarms on his phone. It helps keep him on track. Sometimes, despite his best efforts, he forgets things. He was told it was an unfortunate side effect of being blown up. Bucky had really been more concerned about his lack of arm at the time to care too much about being a bit forgetful, but he’s come to realise it’s more than that. It happens not too often, but it doesn’t seem to have a pattern. He remembers most stuff from the past and he doesn’t always forget new things, hardly ever really, but some things sometimes slip his mind. It’s horrible and upsetting when he forgets things and makes him feel useless and pathetic and broken, but he’s tried hard to move past it. It’s something he has to manage, just like everything else. So he has alarms for feeding Epsi and walking her, and alarms for feeding himself, and he puts every appointment in his phone, and it makes him feel in control of things. It works well enough that he and his parents felt he’d be okay living alone. That at least makes Bucky feel like he’s dealing well with it now.

He heads to grab a black hooded sweater to put on over his t-shirt, and then his backpack, adding Epsi’s collapsible water bowl and a bottle of water, and goes to pull on his sneakers.

Epsi barks a little, clearly excited about him doing this. Anything different excites her.

“That’s right, pup, we’re going for another walk,” he tells her, as he gets her harness ready. How dogs get so excited every time is beyond him, but Bucky’s pretty excited himself, now he’s picked a name for her. It feels even more official that she’s his, now she has a name. He reminds himself to contact the vet to get her name put on his records and her microchip. And by reminds himself, he means he sets a reminder on his phone for it, to do when they get back.

It’s nice to get outside again too, Bucky can admit. He likes having a reason to do it. He’s never been one to just go for a walk by himself or sit in a café or something, so walking Epsi gives him a reason to get out the house. He doesn’t have a job to go to, so it feels good to have a purpose, someone to take care of, something he has to do each day. He knew a puppy would be a big responsibility, but he’s revelling in it.

It’s got sunnier since the morning, when Bucky took Epsi for a short walk round his neighbourhood, and Bucky enjoys the sun on his face as they make the ten-minute walk to the park. Epsi seems super excited once they get to the park again, probably eager to see other dogs, but Bucky holds the leash in his left hand tightly.

“No running off again,” he warns her, and then braces himself, but as they enter the park, Bucky realises it’s a lot quieter than yesterday. Then he realises, of course, it was Sunday yesterday, and on a Monday most people are at work at eleven-thirty in the morning.

It’s a welcome relief. He and Epsi can walk around not getting stopped, and Epsi smells everything, and Bucky feels like he can just relax. There’s a stronger breeze than yesterday and he can smell the scent of flowers in the air as his hair blows across his face a bit and he tucks it behind his ear time and time again.

He’s feeling very calm when, ten minutes into their walk, Epsi suddenly pulls hard on the leash, whining, trying to get away, even lifting off her front legs as she strains against his hold.

Bucky frowns and tugs gently. “What is it, Epsi?” And then he gets his answer in the form of a golden retriever bounding over to them.

Bucky has a tiny moment of panic before he recognises the dog as Socks, and then Epsi and him are sniffing one another happily. He grins at the dog as he relaxes and pets him, while he looks around. “Hi, Socks, where’s your daddy?” he asks and then sees a figure jogging towards them.

Steve is smiling widely at them as he approaches, giving them a little wave, and this time Bucky has time and isn’t in the middle of a panic attack and can’t help but notice how buff Steve is in what look like running clothes that have been plastered onto him. Bucky wonders how he’ll ever peel them off later.

“Hey, Bucky and puppy!” Steve calls out cheerfully, with a little surprise in his voice, as he gets near enough, before he comes to a stop, ruffling his dog’s head as he reaches him.

“Hi,” Bucky gives him a small smile, somewhat flattered that Steve remembered his name. And then also pleased that he remembered Steve’s.

Steve reaches out to pet Epsi too and she jumps up on him.

“Shit, Epsi, no,” Bucky tries to state firmly, like the books he read said to, tugging slightly to get her to stop. “Sorry,” he tells Steve, a little mortified.

Steve waves him off, not looking at all bothered. “Did you just say Epsi?” he queries, a curious look on his face, as he rubs her ears.

“Oh, um, yeah,” Bucky replies. “I…she has a name now.”

“And it’s Epsi?” Steve asks, sounding slightly confused and curious.

Bucky didn’t think this through. No one’s ever going to get this name. He’s gonna have to explain it every single time. “Yeah, it’s um, after a star, Epsilon Boötis?” he grimaces.

Steve’s face moves like he’s trying not to laugh. “Her full name is Epsilon?” he asks, tone very even.

Bucky looks down and glowers a little. It’s a cute fucking name. “Um, yes,” he mutters. Then he feels a bit more annoyed at the judgment and looks up. “It’s better than Socks. He doesn’t even have socks,” Bucky points out, matter-of-fact. He doesn’t. Socks is all golden all over.

Steve looks at him for a moment, seemingly surprised at his comment, and then chuckles good-naturedly. “His name is Sox, S-O-X,” he spells out. “Like for the Red Soxs,” he smiles.

“Oh,” Bucky utters, instantly embarrassed, looking at his feet. He’s just insulted this guy for no good reason. “It’s a cute name either way,” he mumbles apologetically. Why can’t he just talk to people normally?

Steve seems to find his outburst amusing rather than insulting. “Thanks,” he grins. “I’m not from Boston, but they’re my team, and well…” He lets out a little sigh. “It seemed like a good idea at the time and he seems happy with it,” he shrugs. “I think Epsilon is a great name,” he continues, before Bucky can apologise.

Bucky glances up hesitantly. “You do?”

Steve nods as he bends down to pet Epsi at her level. “It suits her,” he says, looking at Epsi. “And I like the shortening. I can’t shorten Sox to anything.”

Bucky feels better. “It’s, um, the star’s other name in Latin, it means ‘the most beautiful’,” he finds himself eagerly telling Steve.

Steve makes a face like he finds that adorable. “Well that definitely suits Epsi then,” he says, eyes sparkling when he looks back up at Bucky.

Bucky sort of feels like the air is knocked out of him, the way Steve looks at him. And he can’t help the smile on his face. He loves when people compliment Epsi. It’s like he finally has something of worth. He sort of wishes he himself could have been that—that he had anything to offer someone, but he doesn’t, and he’ll settle for just having the perfect dog.

“Hey, would you want to grab a coffee while these two mingle?” Steve offers as he straightens up.

Bucky instinctively tightens his grip on her leash. “Oh, I um, I can’t let her off yet, she’s not trained,” he stumbles to explain.

“Oh, duh, of course.” Steve shakes his head at himself, obviously remembering yesterday when she ran off. “We could walk over to the coffee cart with them so they can hang out?” Steve offers instead.

Bucky looks at how friendly Sox is and how much Epsi seems to love his company and nods. “Yeah, we could do that,” he agrees. It’s nice that Steve wants Sox to be happy like that. And Bucky wouldn’t mind getting to be near Steve for a bit. He’s so nice to look at, not to mention just nice in general.

Of course, Bucky forgets that walking with someone usually means you have to talk. He just walks alongside Steve for a few moments, inwardly panicking as he can’t think of anything to say. Words aren’t working for him again.

“So, do you guys walk at this time every day?” Steve asks, apparently oblivious to Bucky’s inner turmoil.

Bucky nods, grateful that Steve’s taking the lead. “I, um, I set an alarm for it,” he says before he can stop himself. God, that’s a weird thing to say. Steve is going to think he’s a complete freak.

“That’s a good plan. I should do that,” Steve muses. “I usually remember when Sox starts whining,” he huffs in amusement.

Bucky’s a bit confused by how Steve just rolled with his weird alarm comment.

“We’re here at this time on the days I’m off,” Steve continues. “I have a shift pattern,” he explains as Bucky remembers he’s a paramedic. “What about you?”

“I don’t have a shift pattern,” Bucky says without thinking. He doesn’t have any pattern. He doesn’t work, not since his discharge from the army.

Steve chuckles. “You’re lucky. Sometimes I forget what day it is.”

 _Me too_ , Bucky thinks.

“So what can I get you?” Steve asks, and Bucky realises they’ve made it to the coffee cart and he barely noticed.

“Oh, uh…” Bucky isn’t ready. “I…hot chocolate?” he asks the cart guy. He doesn’t drink coffee anymore. It makes him jittery and he’s jittery enough as it is.

Steve orders a regular black coffee and some whipped cream for Sox. “Oh, has Epsi had whipped cream yet?” he questions, excitement in his voice. “Oh, can I get her one too?” he asks Bucky, a little bit pleadingly, like a kid.

Bucky’s finding all the questions and talking a little difficult to focus on by this point so he just about nods. “Um, yeah, if it’s safe for her?” he manages to ask, finally thinking properly, his dog’s safety his number one concern.

Steve nods and orders another. “Yeah, completely fine, assuming she’s not lactose intolerant?”

Bucky shakes his head.

“Plus it’s only a little bit and she’ll love it,” Steve continues.

The cart guy passes them two drinks and two little cream cups and Bucky realises Steve’s paid without him noticing and has already started walking away towards a bench, carrying both cream cups.

“Wait, how much do I owe you?” Bucky asks as he trails behind, Epsi tugging at him to go faster.

“Nothing, it’s on me,” Steve replies, and before Bucky can argue, he sits on the bench and puts one cup in front of Sox and passes the other to Bucky to give to Epsi. “Watch this,” he grins.

Sox is already slurping away happily and Epsi’s just about to shove her nose in and try to steal, so Bucky quickly puts her cup down for her.

Steve’s right. It’s absolutely adorable. Epsi takes a lick and then seems to decide she loves it, diving in with the same fervour Bucky does when he dives into a hot, plain cheese pizza, pushing the cup all over the place with her nose as she tries to get all of the treat inside.

When the cup’s empty, she looks up, whipped cream all over her nose.

Bucky outright giggles, somewhat hysterically. He can’t help himself. “Look at you, silly girl,” he murmurs, putting his hot chocolate down on the bench. He can’t help taking a picture of her quickly, before digging out a couple of tissues to help wipe off her face where she’s not managed to lick it off, while she looks at him happily.

“See, told you,” Steve says from where Bucky sort of forgot he was next to him for a moment.

Bucky grins back as he throws the tissues into the trashcan helpfully located right next to them and picks up his hot chocolate again. “She really loved it,” he says gleefully.

“Yep,” Steve grins. “You should try giving her peanut butter next.”

“Does Sox like that?” Bucky asks, imagining Epsi confused by how the peanut butter would stick to her mouth. He can’t even imagine how cute that would be. Maybe he can go to the pet store and get some on the way home.

“I bet he would, but I’m allergic so…” Steve shrugs.

“So you let Sox miss out just because you might _die_?” Bucky jokes in a scandalised tone. It takes him a second to realise what just came out of his mouth. He hasn’t made a joke in a very long time.

Steve bursts into laughter. “I know!” he laughs. “What sort of terrible dog parent am I?” He gives Bucky a huge grin.

Bucky manages a small grin back. It feels so weird to be joking and laughing with someone. He hasn’t done that with anyone in a very long time. “I guess Sox seems pretty happy, so you can’t be that bad,” he relents.

“Not that bad, huh?” Steve smirks a little. “Hey, I’ll take that.” He nudges Bucky with his elbow a little playfully.

There’s a little lull then, as Bucky tries to think of what to say next. He sips his drink to cover for his lack of social skills as Epsi tries to grab Sox’s tail. Bucky gets a little worried, but Sox doesn’t seem to mind and just swishes his tail around like it’s a game.

“So, what do you do that lets you take walks at this time?” Steve asks, breaking the silence.

Bucky bites his lip and looks down at his drink. “Um, I’m sorta between things,” he answers softly. He hates saying that. Hates how people look at him, like he’s some jobless bum. Steve’ll probably get bored of talking to him now. He’ll figure out how different they are and they’ll have nothing else to say.

“Oh,” Steve replies in a compassionate tone. “That can be tough. The economy’s awful right now. I’m lucky I guess, people always need paramedics.” Then he grimaces. “God, that sounds terrible,” he laughs.

Bucky glances over at Steve. He sounds completely understanding and kind about it, like he’s not judging Bucky or pitying him, even though Bucky knows he probably is inside. “You, um…thanks,” Bucky sort of sputters at him.

Steve seems to suddenly pick up that Bucky feels awkward about it. “Hey, sorry, I shouldn’t have…it’s not my business anyway, I was just curious. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Bucky nods and takes another sip of his drink. He wishes he didn’t feel awkward about it. It’s not exactly his fault that he’s unemployed.

“Hey, if you’re looking for something, my friend Sam might have something…” Steve starts, voice a little hesitant now, like he doesn’t know if he should be offering.

“Oh, um, no,” Bucky cuts him off. “I mean…sorry, I just mean, I’m not…looking,” he tries to explain. “But thanks,” he manages to add, trying to sound grateful for the offer.

Steve looks even more curious when Bucky glances at him.

“I just…I was discharged from the army…recently,” Bucky settles on. It’s not all that recent anymore, but Steve doesn’t need to know that. His rehab took a long time. “I, um, can’t really…” He sort of lifts his left hand slightly, unconsciously.

Steve lets out a breath. “Oh geez, I feel like such an asshole,” he says grimacing. “I didn’t mean to…I should have figured…” he says with a glance at Bucky’s hand. “Thank you for your service,” he continues, very genuine sounding.

Bucky hates when people say that. He knows why they do, but it feels awkward and he never knows what to respond with. “I’m just sort of settling back in,” Bucky hears himself say. “I, um, I get my army benefits, I can look after Epsi just fine, don’t worry,” he finds himself sputtering.

Steve’s face falls like Bucky just punched him in the gut or something. “Oh, fuck, Bucky, no, I didn’t mean…of course you can. I would never think you couldn’t just because you’re not working. I…you don’t need to explain it to me. I’m too goddamn nosy, Sam’s always telling me…”

Steve seems to be falling into a shame spiral. Being quite familiar with those, Bucky feels bad for him. “Okay,” Bucky interrupts him. “I just, I didn’t want you to worry about her.” He looks down at where Epsi seems to have finally tired and has sat down on the grass next to his feet.

“You’re taking great care of her, Bucky, I can tell,” Steve states. There’s a squeeze to his knee at the same time and Bucky startles a little and sees Steve’s hand moving back.

“Um, we should probably get going,” Bucky tells him, standing as he says it. He throws his almost empty cup away as Epsi gets up and stares up at him, ready for a new adventure, apparently.

Steve stands too. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” he apologises, sounding terribly sad about it.

Bucky shakes his head. “You didn’t. Just gotta get back,” he lies.

Steve seems to be trying to catch his eye, but Bucky can’t. He tugs on Epsi’s leash to lead her away. “Bye,” he says abruptly with a sort of wave, before turning to go.

“Bye, Bucky,” Bucky hears Steve say softly from behind him.

Bucky knows he’s being weird. Knows it’s abrupt and rude and probably lots of other things, but he can’t help it. He’s found himself opening up to Steve and he doesn’t like it. Doesn’t know where it’s come from, or why he’d talk to a complete stranger like that.

He needs to stop. He just needs to get home.

His knee is tingling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the amazing support for this so far! I hope you enjoyed this chapter 🙂 How are ya'll feeling about Bucky's name choice?
> 
> Special thank you to my new dog advisors on tumblr and in the comments for your dog (and other) advice! Feel free to comment with more dog things I should include 😊
> 
> And finally, random question - do people like chapter summaries or are you not bothered? I never know if I should have them or not.


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky lets out a big yawn. He’s relaxing on his little front porch, reading, with Epsi by his feet chewing on a chunk of rope dog toy, peacefully happy in a patch of sunshine. They’ve had a busy day already and now they’re having a well-deserved break. They’ve done a lot of firsts today. Bucky took Epsi to her first training lesson and then Epsi had her very first bath, which also meant Bucky basically had a bath what with how much water got on him.

Having a dog is definitely more work than Bucky expected, and he expected a lot, but he loves it. Loves her. He even managed to talk a little bit to the other people in the training class and while he figures he’ll try and do most of her training himself, it was good to be in the class and see lots of people like him, just getting to know their new dogs. And everything just seems better lately. It might be the best he’s felt since…well, he can’t really remember feeling this good before.

His parents are thrilled for him. He’s officially had Epsi for seven days and his parents have met her now and they’d both said they were proud of him, and Bucky had to hold back tears, because honestly, he’s felt like nothing but a let-down since he had to leave the army. It makes him feel really good to know that they think he’s doing a good job looking after himself and his dog. And it feels good to know that Epsi needs him.

He hopes that good feeling will stay. It’s better than the anxiety and worry all the time. Of course, he still has that, but a lot of the time he has other things to preoccupy him now. Like sitting outside with his perfect dog. After a couple of rainy days, it’s really nice out again and Bucky’s enjoying the soft breeze and quiet noises of the world going by. It makes his head feel less noisy.

“Hey there, neighbour!”

He may have spoken too soon.

Bucky looks over to see his neighbour Natasha approaching. He’d met her and her partner Clint when he moved in. They were kind of sweet, stopping by to say hi and bringing some store-bought cookies, because apparently neither of them know how to bake. But it was a nice gesture. They’d made a little small talk, where Bucky managed to just about come across as normal, he thinks, and since then they just sort of wave when they see each other. Except for a couple of days ago when Clint saw Epsi and came over to fuss over her and make cooing noises, which Bucky is now really used to, so he didn’t mind so much.

“Aww hello, gorgeous,” Natasha says as Epsi excitedly gets up to greet her. She’s securely attached to the porch fence post so she can’t run off though, so Bucky doesn’t panic. Natasha smiles over at Bucky as he gets up from his porch chair to greet her. “Clint said you had a new dog. She’s beautiful.”

“Thank you.” Bucky gives her a small smile. “Her name’s Epsi.”

Natasha’s mouth turns up slightly, like she finds the name a bit strange, but is classy enough not to say anything. Bucky doesn’t care anymore. He’s introduced her to a few strangers now and they all seem to find it a little weird, but it doesn’t matter. He loves Epsi’s name.

“So…” Natasha says as she straightens up, Epsi still sniffing round her feet. “I have a huge, huge favour to ask you and it’s completely above and beyond somewhat friendly neighbour duties so I’m ninety-nine percent sure you won’t and that’s fine, but I’m desperate, so on the one percent chance…” She stops and takes a breath, while Bucky wonders what the favour is, anxiety rising. “Is there any chance you could watch our dog for a couple of hours?” she asks with a grimace. “Clint was supposed to be home, but he got called into work and I have a dance class I have to teach and I can’t find anyone we know who’s free and I just…Clint mentioned you and your dog and I thought—”

“I can do that,” Bucky cuts in, surprising both Natasha and himself.

Natasha looks at him for a moment, face puzzled. “Seriously? You will?”

“Yeah,” Bucky nods. He knows they have a brown Labrador called Lucky. He’s seen Clint walking him, plus Clint told Bucky about him when he met Epsi. He’s only got one eye and wasn’t well looked after before Clint got him. Clint says he’s like his child. Bucky completely understands that feeling now he has Epsi.

“I know it sounds dumb, like why can’t we just leave him alone, but he’s just…he’s very important and we’ve never left him before, not without someone and I don’t know how he’d handle it.”

“I really don’t mind,” Bucky promises. “Epsi’s really good with most dogs, so as long as they get on okay…” he shrugs.

Natasha looks disbelieving, but then breaks into a huge smile. “Oh, thank you! We’ll owe you one, so, so much.” She looks very relieved. “Is it okay if I bring him over now?”

Bucky nods. “Yeah, we can make sure they don’t hate each other or something.” He figures if they do, he could probably put them in separate rooms anyway. He doesn’t want to let his new neighbour down.

Natasha’s already off hurrying back to her house.

Bucky smiles down at Epsi. “Isn’t that fun, Eps? You get to hang out with a new friend.”

Epsi looks like she understands, he thinks. She looks excited at least, though that might be her default face. Bucky’s excited too. It feels really nice to be needed, even if just for a couple of hours. He’s really happy they thought of him too. He must not have been as off-putting as he thinks he is. Either that or it’s just because he’s literally next door and they had no options.

Natasha’s back in a few moments, brown one-eyed Lab by her side. “This is Lucky,” she introduces them and then they let Epsi and Lucky sniff at each other and apparently all seems fine from a dog perspective.

Natasha starts listing a few things, like how he’s had food and won’t need more, and giving Bucky Lucky’s favourite toy. “I’m so sorry about all this, but thank you so much,” she says again.

“Is it okay if I take him for a walk to the park? Epsi and I always go about now,” Bucky says as he feels his phone alarm vibrate in his pocket for their eleven-thirty walk.

“Oh that would be great.” Natasha looks touched. She passes Bucky Lucky’s leash.

“I won’t lose him, I promise,” Bucky says a little fiercely. He wants Natasha to know he’s trustworthy. He grips the leash securely in his left hand.

“I know you won’t,” she replies, very matter of fact. “I have to run, but thank you again, Bucky.” Natasha quickly says goodbye to Lucky and is off running to her car.

“Well then,” Bucky takes a breath and pulls himself together, once she’s driven away. “Lucky, do you want to go to the park too?” Bucky finds himself asking, wondering what happened to Lucky’s eye and feeling for him. He knows what it’s like to lose a piece of yourself.

The Lab just looks at him.

“I think that’s a yes.”

Bucky undoes Epsi’s leash from the porch and takes the dogs inside for a moment, so he can get ready. He grabs his black denim jacket and his backpack that he’s started keeping stocked with water and Epsi’s travel bowl, and, of course, little baggies for the one bad thing about being a dog owner. He pulls on his sneakers, and then they’re off out.

Lucky seems generally well behaved and his one eye doesn’t seem to cause him any problems. He seems perfectly happy. Bucky doesn’t let him off his leash though, just in case. No way is he going to go back to his neighbours and tell them he lost their dog. He holds both their leashes in the unbreakable grip of his left hand, Epsi trotting along happily too.

“Hey there!”

Bucky startles at the voice. Not because it’s loud, but because he recognises it as Steve’s. Which is weird seeing as they’ve only met twice. He hasn’t run into Steve over the last few days and sort of thought he wouldn’t again, but he turns to see Steve and Sox heading towards them.

“Hi,” Bucky says softly, as Epsi barks, apparently excited to see her friend, and then Lucky does too, apparently riled up by Epsi.

“You’ve got another dog,” Steve smiles in wonder as they reach them.

“Um, yeah, this is Lucky. I’m just watching him for my neighbour,” Bucky explains, while Steve lets Lucky sniff his hand.

“What a sweetie,” Steve murmurs, petting him, before Lucky decides Sox is more fun to play with. “And that’s real nice of you,” he continues, looking over at Bucky. “Though I was kinda hoping you’d become a dog walker,” he chuckles lightly.

Bucky frowns a little. “Why?”

Steve lets out a small sigh. “My current dog walker just told me they’re moving. So I’ve gotta find someone else to walk Sox on days I have long shifts. It’s really hard finding someone you can trust, you know?”

“That’s too bad,” Bucky comments. He does know. He can count the number of people he trusts on one hand.

Steve shrugs a shoulder and ruffles Epsi’s fur as she sort of dances around his feet. “Well, um, just wanted to say hi, but we should leave you to it. I didn’t mean to bother you, but ya know, Sox gets so excited to see Epsi,” he says a little sheepishly.

“Oh, um, okay.” Bucky doesn’t know why he feels so disappointed. This is his own fault. He was weird last time and now Steve thinks he doesn’t like him. Which isn’t true. He does like him, he just doesn’t like how he feels around him. Doesn’t like how oddly vulnerable he feels. Doesn’t like how every time he sees Steve, he notices something else about him, like how his eyes aren’t entirely that gorgeous blue, but actually have a hint of green to them.

Steve looks a little downcast at his response. “Bye, Bucky,” Steve says softly with a small but oddly sad smile as he lightly whistles at Sox to get him to follow.

Bucky watches them go. Epsi looks up at him, and he swears she looks disappointed with him.

“What?” he says back at her. “I didn’t do anything.”

He’s right. He didn’t. That’s the point. He could have told Steve he wasn’t bothering him, could have asked to walk together, could have behaved like a nice, normal person. Instead he’s watching Steve walking away.

Bucky feels bad for the rest of the walk and the rest of the day. He brushes both Epsi and Lucky when they get home, but even that doesn’t make him feel better. Even when Clint arrives to take Lucky home and thanks him profusely, Bucky _still_ doesn’t feel good, when usually he’d be basking in the praise and gratitude.

He drags himself round his house for the rest of the day, doing chores, while Epsi naps for a long time, and even playing with her once she wakes up later doesn’t make him feel much better. Or at least not for long enough. He feels like shit as he crawls into bed that night, Epsi curling up next to him.

“Why am I so useless, Eps?” he mutters, self-pityingly. “I’m always doing the wrong thing.” He gazes at Epsi, who seems to be sleeping already and ignoring him. “Except you. You’re the best thing ever,” he tells her, just in case she thinks otherwise.

He turns and lies staring at the ceiling, replaying the day in his head, how sad Steve looked, how standoffish Bucky was to him. The whole point of getting a dog was to get out there again and he was maybe making a dog-walking friend and he had to ruin it.

“Oh!” Bucky sits up suddenly, hit with an idea like a bolt of lightning. Epsi opens her eyes, a little startled and confused. “Sorry, but I just had the best idea, Eps!” he tells her, feeling nervously excited, petting her to try and make up for him rudely awakening her. He beams at her, completely thrilled by his new idea. “I’m gonna become a dog walker!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapter but it was needed to get us where we're going. The next one is longer.
> 
> Thank you for reading, I would love to hear from you in the comments 😍


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so the world is total madness right now and I hope you are all okay. We've been asked to work from home and stay inside as much as possible. I'm still gonna write this and post it when I can cause honestly right now, I am even more grateful for this site and stucky fic than I ever have been. So I hope this can bring you some distraction/enjoyment wherever you are, much love to you all, stay safe 💜

Bucky sets things in motion the very next day, having found it hard to really sleep at all. At six am he’s up and looking up how to become a dog walker, finding out lots of useful information online. He already knows lots about dog safety, having read about a hundred books on the topic before getting Epsi, and she’s registered with a local vet so he knows where he could take a dog in an emergency. He probably needs to get insurance if he wants to do this right though.

He decides to call his mom to tell her the idea to see if she can help. She’s better at things like this than he is. He waits until the more reasonable time of nine am and calls her while in the backyard with Epsi, throwing a ball for her. His mom sounds really pleased for him and his idea and drives over straight away to help him.

They spend the next few hours looking up insurance, deciding on his hours, what he should charge and how to publicise his service, looking at other dog walkers in the area for inspiration. Bucky finds it a lot easier, having his mom to bounce ideas off. She’s often the voice of reason for him as well.

Because Bucky hasn’t done this before, they decide to charge a little less than what seems to be normal in their area, especially as some other dog walkers have certificates in dog behaviour or animal care, which Bucky doesn’t. He hopes that won’t put people off though.

Bucky creates a hopefully not too crappy looking flyer and business card design, using Epsi’s picture in the design. After a discussion turned argument, his mom wins in her insistence that he puts a picture of himself on it, as well as mention that he’s a veteran. Bucky really doesn’t like that, but Winnie seems to think it’ll help people see him as trustworthy and up for any challenge. He adds the least off-putting picture he can find that’s recent enough—one his dad took at Christmas—and puts that pretty small near his contact details. They figure he can put the flyer up on the park noticeboards and hand his card out to people he sees out with their dogs.

Bucky feels a little sick at the idea of that, but his mom looks so proud at the idea that he’ll go up and talk to people that Bucky takes a breath and tells himself he can do this. He wants to do this. And he’s going to start slow anyway. They figured Bucky doesn’t need the job for the money—or at least, he’s not reliant on it, though it’ll be nice to have some extra and not rely on his parents so much—so that means he can do limited hours at first to see if he can handle it.

He’s a little worried about remembering everything, but his mom reassures him in the way only a mom can. Plus he knows he can put everything in his phone with reminders so he can keep track of where he’s supposed to be and when, just like he does for his day to day things. He even thinks, if he actually gets any customers, that he can take pictures of the dogs and keep them on his phone with their names and addresses, just in case he ever forgets.

“You really think I can do this?” he asks his mom, just before she leaves, having ended up spending almost all of Sunday with him, even joining him and Epsi on their afternoon walk, and making dinner for them despite Bucky’s protests.

Winnie gathers him into a hug. “Of course you can. You can do anything, Bucky. You’ve proved that many times over.” She gives him an extra squeeze. “And you’ve got us to help. You can call us for anything, you know that. We’re both so proud of you.”

Bucky can’t help smiling a little as she lets go. “Thanks, mama.” His mom is everything to him and her belief in him makes him try to believe in himself. She’s never faltered, not even when he screamed at her to let him die, right when he came back and thought he’d never have a life again. She’s the bravest person he knows.

“I want to know as soon as you get your first customer,” she beams as he holds the front door open for her.

Bucky promises he will, and then waves as she gets in her car, before he returns inside to Epsi, feeling full of hope (along with his mom’s meatloaf).

“Okay, Eps,” he grins at her where she’s lying on her back, tummy in the air, waiting for strokes. “Let’s do this.”

****

It takes a couple of days for his flyers and business cards to get delivered by the print shop he found online. Bucky feels a little buzz as he looks at them. He’s really doing this. They don’t even look crappy. They look professional. And he knows it’s just dog walking, and other people probably barely think of it as a proper job, but he finds he doesn’t care. He’s too excited about it. It’s something real for him.

He takes a good long shower, making sure his hair is super clean and his fingernails are scrubbed properly, and then dresses in his nicest black pants and a bottle-green sweater his mom bought him for Christmas. He ties his hair back and looks in the mirror. He thinks he looks pretty respectable and trustworthy. Of course, his left hand is visible, but Bucky refuses to put a glove on to cover it up. If someone has a problem with his arm, then he doesn’t want to work for them anyway.

He gets Epsi ready next, brushing her and then tying a cute little red bandana around her neck that he got at the pet store the other day. She’s all nice and clean too, thanks to the bath he gave her yesterday. He thinks they make quite a good-looking pair and he _never_ thinks that about himself. His confidence is soaring somehow. His tucks the flyers and cards safely in his backpack with Epsi’s things, and then they make their first trip, to their next-door neighbours.

He knocks on the door and waits. He figures he can practice his spiel on people he knows are friendly and he feels at least a tiny bit more comfortable around.

Clint opens the door. He’s wearing a bright purple t-shirt and holding some kind of circuit-board in his hand. “Hey man!” he grins. “Hey, Epsi, gorgeous girl.” He reaches down to pet her straight away, Epsi panting at him happily.

“Hi. I, um, just came round to give you this.” Bucky holds out his business card. “I’m starting a dog walking service, so I thought I’d give you the details just in case you ever need someone for Lucky.”

Clint takes the card and peruses it. “That sounds really cool.”

Bucky attempts a smile. “So, um, it has all my details on the back and stuff, so I’ll just leave that with you?” he says hesitantly. “Or um, if you’re not interested, I can just take it…” he adds, suddenly nervous again.

Clint pulls the card away from where Bucky’s unconsciously already tried to reach for it. “Nah, man, it sounds great. We could definitely use it sometime, probably not regular, but definitely one-offs. I’ll just show Nat and let you know,” he says with a smile.

Bucky tucks a stray bit of hair behind his ear. Regular would have been good, but one-offs are still cool. “Okay, great. Thanks for your time.”

“Hey, so you’re a vet?” Clint asks, before Bucky can leave.

Bucky turns back. “Yeah,” he nods, feeling very exposed. “Medical discharge,” he adds.

Clint nods thoughtfully. “Dude, you should become a veterinarian. Then you’d be like a double vet.”

It’s got to be the most original and strange response to his veteran status that he’s ever had before. Bucky breaks into a grin. “Yeah, like a vet vet.”

“Exactly,” Clint grins. “Anyway, bud, don’t let me hold you up, looks like someone’s excited to get going.” He looks down at Epsi where she’s doing that thing where she sort of dances around Bucky’s feet. Clint grins at her and pets Epsi goodbye.

 _That wasn’t so bad_ , Bucky thinks as he says goodbye too and they head for the park. He likes Clint. He’s funny and doesn’t seem to care about the things other people care about. And so Clint didn’t say yes straight away on the dog walking, but he sounded genuine when he said he’d check with Natasha. Going up to people he doesn’t know in the park will be harder.

Bucky starts by putting his flyers up on the noticeboards that are next to the three entrances to the park. There are other dog walking flyers there, but Bucky thinks his stands out, or at least he hopes it does. Plus he’s charging less, so he’s hopeful people will call, even though he sort of dreads that, as he hates speaking on the phone.

Now that’s done, he holds his business cards in his hand, ready to give out. He figures people won’t mind holding onto a tiny card, or at least he hopes not. He always hates those people who hand out flyers on street corners. He hopes no one is horrible to him.

“C’mon then, Eps, help me sell this,” he murmurs to her as he approaches his first dog and owner where the owner is sitting on a bench.

“Hello,” he says, trying to keep his voice friendly and clear. He knows he mutters a lot usually. “What a cute dog,” he tells the older woman, looking at her little boxer.

“Thank you,” she says, in a friendly tone, surprisingly posh English accent coming out. “Is that an Australian Shepherd?” she asks, looking at Epsi.

“Yeah, she is,” Bucky nods. “That’s Epsi and I’m Bucky. I’m actually just out seeing if anyone’s interested in dog walking services. Would it be okay if I give you my card?” he asks politely, holding his hand out a little.

“Oh, of course,” she says, and she takes the offered card and takes a look at it.

“Thanks,” Bucky smiles. “I’ll leave that with you, but don’t hesitate to call. It was nice to meet you.” He doesn’t want to linger while people read it in front of him.

The lady nods and then he’s off. He thinks that went well. It’s why he picked an older lady. They tend to be friendlier, he figures, or at least hopes. And he didn’t stumble over his words and he managed to stay friendly. Hopefully if she ever needs a dog walker, she’ll call.

He manages to give out eight more cards over the next twenty minutes. He chooses people who look friendly, or not in a hurry at least, and only a couple decline a card, saying they don’t need a dog walker.

He feels a little worn out after all that, so he makes his way to sit on a bench and gives Epsi some water. Maybe he’ll give more cards out tomorrow, but for today, he thinks he’s done well. It’s draining, but he feels good, if a tiny bit disappointed. He’d sort of been hoping that maybe Steve would be here today, so he could give him a card, but so far he hasn’t seen—

Epsi lets out a bark, interrupting his chain of thought, and then Sox is right there with them again, sniffing at Epsi and then Bucky.

A little burst of happiness sets off in Bucky’s chest and he turns to see Steve jogging towards them, just like he always seems to.

“Hey,” Steve says, with a small smile. It’s friendly, but not the big smiles Bucky got before.

Steve looks a little sweaty again. Bucky’s starting to realise he probably runs every time he takes Sox for a walk. No wonder he looks like he does.

“Sorry, I think Sox might be in love,” Steve jokes as he reaches for Sox’s collar, clipping his leash on. “He just darted over here.” He pets Epsi gently on the head. “Cute bandana,” he murmurs at her, and then turns to go with Sox, giving Bucky a limp wave goodbye.

“Wait,” Bucky calls out, getting up from the bench as Steve startles slightly and turns back. “I, um, I wanted to give you something.”

Steve looks curious and walks the couple of steps back to Bucky, who fumbles in his bag to find the cards he put away in the front pocket. Of course he’s nervous and holding Epsi’s leash in one hand, so he manages to drop a whole bunch onto the grass.

“Shit,” he mutters, kneeling down to gather them up.

Steve joins him and helps, picking them up and putting them in an orderly pile. His hand brushes Bucky’s as they both reach for the same card. Bucky draws his hand back first, trying to ignore the weird lurch his stomach just made. “Oh, um, you keep that. That’s what I wanted to give you.”

He staggers to his feet, putting the rest of the cards away as Steve also gets up, reading the card in his hand.

“You’re dog walking?” he smiles, with a surprised and curious look.

Bucky nods. “Yeah, I…you kinda put the idea in my head,” he admits. “So I, um, wanted to offer, cause you said you needed someone…” He trails off. “I mean, obviously no pressure, you’ve probably already got someone else or could get someone better…”

Steve shakes his head. “No, I still hadn’t got round to it.”

“Oh, well, all the details are on there if you’re interested,” Bucky says, feeling hopeful. “And um,” he continues a little softer, before Steve can say anything else, “you weren’t bothering me, um, before. I’m sorry, I just…I’m not so good at, um, talking to people, and sometimes I come off as standoffish, but me and Epsi, we really liked walking with you and Sox.” He feels like he’s gone a little red by the time he finishes and he shoves his right hand into his pocket, feeling awkward.

“Oh,” Steve replies, looking pleased, Bucky thinks. “That’s…I really liked walking with you guys too.” He looks down for a moment before looking back at Bucky. “And like I said, I think Sox is in love,” he chuckles, but he’s sort of staring at Bucky in a strange way as he says it.

“Well, um, it would be mean to not let them hang out then,” Bucky says, trying to be matter-of-fact, but ending up just sounding hopeful. “They must want to catch up,” he adds, looking down to see Sox staring at Steve and Epsi apparently chasing her own tail. Way to show him up. “Um, or maybe not,” he says, scrunching up his face in an annoyed frown.

Steve laughs as he looks at them too. “You’re right. We better walk together to keep them happy,” he grins, and it’s much more like his normal Steve grins. Steve tugs on Sox’s leash and gestures with his hand for Bucky to follow and they all start walking together.

It’s another warm, sunny day and it’s really nice just walking with Steve again. Bucky’s heart sort of jumps in his chest. He’s so pleased he managed to put things right between them.

“So because of my shifts, it can be kinda variable as to when I need someone to walk Sox,” Steve starts. “Would that be okay?”

Bucky turns his head to look at Steve, a little stunned. “Wait, you want me to walk him?” He was hoping Steve would, but he wasn’t certain he’d say yes. Especially since he was there that day that he almost lost Epsi. He knows that didn’t make him look all that trustworthy.

“Well yeah?” Steve seems surprised. “You did just give me your dog walking business card,” he adds, looking bemused.

“I know, but I didn’t…” Bucky stops himself from saying something dumb and self-pitying. He’s supposed to be feeling confident today. “That would be really cool,” he amends his words. “You’ll be my first official customer.” He can’t help smiling at that.

Steve beams back at him. “I could email you the days I’d need for the next couple of weeks if that’s cool?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Bucky agrees, heart feeling like it’s filling with sunshine. Steve actually trusts him to do this, he can’t believe it.

They continue on their walk, Steve leading the conversation, talking a little about his job and about when he got Sox, and Bucky tries to chip in as best he can, still far too excited about Steve hiring him.

“Well, I better be getting him home,” Steve says as they approach one of the exits a good thirty minutes later. “I’ll get that email to you today.”

Bucky nods and looks down, feeling oddly shy. “Thanks. It’s cool that you’re willing to let me walk him.”

Steve lets out a small huff. “Please…you’re a godsend. I know Sox’ll be in safe hands.”

Bucky can’t help the little laugh that comes out of him at that as he looks at his left hand.

Steve seems to follow his eyeline. “Oh shit, Bucky I didn’t mean—”

Bucky waves his hand to brush it off, still chuckling. “I know you didn’t. Just funny, is all.” He smiles at Steve and Steve seems to relax again.

“Hey, um, I’m just over a few blocks that way, if you wanted to walk with me so you could see where you’d be picking Sox up from?” Steve offers, looking a little nervous and expectant.

Bucky figures that’s probably a good idea. He can figure out how long it’ll take him to get there for their first walk. “Yeah, I mean, if you aren’t busy right now?”

“No, it’s good.” Steve starts walking, looking cheery again. “At the moment, cause the weather’s nice, I’ve been leaving Sox in the backyard. He’s got a little house if he gets cold or wants to nap, so you’ll be able to just go in through the back gate to get him. I’ll give you a key to that.”

Bucky nods along as Steve gives him more details. Epsi seems excited about the change in routine, getting to go out of the park with her friend, and Bucky finds himself staring at Steve a bit as they walk. He’s not sure how he happened to meet such a nice guy, but he’s grateful for it. Steve is genuinely kind and he’s gorgeous and Bucky’s not dumb. He knows he’s getting a crush on the guy as much as he’s tried not to. Who couldn’t, really, he figures. And it’s stupid, but he likes the butterflies in his stomach, even though he knows they’re ultimately pointless. It’s still a nice feeling, and one he hasn’t felt in a very long time.

When they reach Steve’s house, Bucky isn’t surprised to see it’s just as clean and neat-looking as Steve himself is. It’s sort of like Bucky’s house but bigger and in a bit better condition. Bucky has plans to spruce his place up eventually, but Epsi’s been taking up most of his time lately. Steve’s place has a nice front yard with a well-cut lawn and a porch with a solid wooden door in the middle of the house, but Steve leads him through to the backyard instead via the side gate.

It’s a really good-sized yard. Not huge, and mainly just grass, but there’s lots of room for Sox to run. Steve points out Sox’s adorably conventional red doghouse as Bucky looks around and Steve tells him he’ll leave his leash on the porch for him when he comes to pick Sox up so he won’t have to waste his time unlocking the house each time.

Bucky nods along. “Your place is really nice,” he says when Steve finishes.

“Thanks,” Steve says easily. “Do you want to come in for a drink? You can let Epsi off her leash and they can play out here?” he offers.

“Oh, um…” Bucky can’t help his hesitation. It makes him nervous to think of Epsi running around without him, but Steve’s yard has high fences and looks secure, so he changes his mind. “Yeah, for a little bit, that would be cool, thank you.”

Steve’s already unlocking the back door, having let Sox off his leash as soon as they came into the yard.

Bucky bends down to let Epsi off hers and holds her face in his hands for a moment. “Okay, you be good and don’t try and jump a fence or anything, alright? Promise?”

Epsi just licks him. He decides that he’ll take that as a yes. He lets her off, hand shaking just a little as he does, and she runs to Sox and they start chasing each other around the yard.

Steve must sense he’s nervous. “Hey, how about I grab drinks and we sit out here, seeing as it’s such a nice day?” he offers.

Bucky looks at the porch where he has an honest to god porch swing. If they do that then he can keep an eye on Epsi. “Yeah, that would be nice, thanks.” _Steve’s so awesome_ , Bucky thinks.

Steve smiles back. “Be back in a few.”

Bucky turns back to watch the dogs playing as Steve goes into the house. It’s so nice to see Epsi so happy and free. Bucky lets her off leash in their backyard too, but it’s a lot smaller than Steve’s, so there’s not so much room to run.

He goes over to the porch swing and sits down, pushing off so it swings gently. His mind wanders as he watches the dogs. He wonders if it’s just Sox and Steve who live here. Then he starts wondering if Steve has a girlfriend or boyfriend. Not that it matters. Even if Steve were single, it wouldn’t make a difference to Bucky. It’s not like Steve would ever be interested in him and Bucky doesn’t date anyway, not since he came back. The very idea of it seems insane.

He sits there lost in stupid thoughts until Steve comes back out holding two mugs. He sits down next to Bucky on the porch swing gently, the swing moving a little, and carefully passes a mug over.

There’s not all that much room so Steve’s leg ends up not quite pressed up against Bucky’s but touching lightly at least. Bucky tries not to think about it as he looks at the mug in his hand and his nose tells him it’s hot chocolate.

He can’t help smiling at the fact that Steve remembered. “Thanks,” he says, almost bashfully.

“You’re welcome.”

Bucky’s not looking at Steve but he can hear the smile in his voice.

“They seem to be having fun,” Steve comments, and Bucky looks back over at the dogs playing.

“Yeah,” Bucky huffs in amusement as Epsi chases Sox’s tail again.

“So is it just you and Epsi?” Steve continues, a curious lilt in his voice.

“Yeah. I moved into my own place a few months back so it’s just her and me. It’s nice. It could get a bit lonely before,” Bucky says without thinking, then feels himself flush. Steve’s doing that magic thing again where he gets Bucky to say things he wouldn’t usually say to anyone.

“I know what you mean,” Steve replies, apparently not noticing Bucky’s slight embarrassment. “It’s just me and Sox here too.”

Bucky nods along, trying not to read too much into that information. “It’s nice to have Epsi around. My parents thought she’d be good for me.”

Steve looks over at him curiously and Bucky glances at him and then away. Another thing he didn’t mean to say. Bucky lets out a small sigh. “Just, ya know, after I came back, it was kinda tough for a while,” he adds, figuring he can answer Steve’s curious look.

Steve nods, a little solemnly. “Hey, I get it. My friend Sam, he was in the Air Force. He works at the VA now, but I saw how hard it was for him to settle back into civilian life. And I know we don’t know each other too well yet, but it seems to me like you’re doing really great,” he says gently.

Bucky bites his lip. He’s right. They barely know each other but for some reason, Steve’s praise and belief in him means something. “Thanks,” he replies softly. “I feel like I’m doing okay mostly. Especially lately. I like having Epsi to take care of. And I’ve got my family and sure, I don’t really have many friends anymore, but I feel like I’m doing okay.” He glances at Steve, feeling stupidly vulnerable after all that word vomit that just came up. Why did he say that?

“Well, we’re friends, right?” Steve says, staring back at him.

Bucky’s heart sort of melts, because Steve didn’t make fun of him, and he takes a sip of his hot chocolate to cover for how happy that one sentence makes him. “Yeah,” he nods, savouring the taste on his tongue. Steve makes really good, really sugary hot chocolate.

Steve smiles softly back at him. “Good,” he says firmly, before looking back at the yard. “Because our dogs are totally in love.”

Bucky looks over to see Epsi lying with Sox’s head on her butt, both apparently worn out.

They both burst into laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are deeply appreciated as always but especially now 💜 I need some social interaction!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how this got so long.

Steve emails Bucky the days he needs Sox walking for the next two weeks before Bucky even arrives home from his house. Bucky feels stupidly excited and makes sure to text his mom to let her know he has his first customer.

He’s also feeling really happy, he muses to himself as he sorts his laundry that evening while Epsi takes a nap. She sleeps a lot and sometimes makes adorable snuffly noises. But that’s not why Bucky’s happy. Or not the only reason. He’s happy because he and Steve hung out for a little while and Steve seems to like him. Bucky didn’t realise he’d missed that. Since he came home, he hasn’t reconnected with old friends. Some of them had tried, but he’s not the same person anymore, and after a little while, they sort of fell away. The only true friends he does have are the guys who survived from his unit, but they don’t live in the same city so they have a ‘see each other once or twice a year’ kind of friendship.

But Steve could maybe be a friend. Or at least someone friendly to talk to a little sometimes. A stupid part of him has started wondering what it might be like to kiss Steve, but Bucky recognises the thoughts for what they are—just a little fantasy. And fantasy never hurt anyone. So he can pretend in his head.

He daydreams a little about Steve that evening, imagining them cuddled on the couch as he watches a movie. He imagines them falling asleep together, Steve’s big warm arms around him. Bucky never really feels small, being a big guy himself, but he finds he likes the idea of someone holding him like that, of being the one looked after for once. Cherished somehow. He falls asleep thinking about it.

He figures really he should feel sad about it not being real when he wakes up the next morning alone. But he’s come to terms with being on his own. He knows he’s not meant for a relationship anymore. And he has Epsi. She’s all he needs. And she’s currently staring at him mournfully, waiting for her breakfast.

“Okay, okay, sweetie, I’m up,” Bucky groans, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and grabbing his phone.

He staggers along to the kitchen in his boxers, yawning, Epsi leading the way, phone beeping to remind him to feed her anyway.

Once Epsi’s sorted, he fixes himself some cereal and then checks his phone to find he’s got an email from someone else requesting his dog walking services. He almost squeals in happiness.

“Eps! I got another customer,” he beams at her, before reading the email details. This person, Margaret, needs her dog walking every weekday at lunchtime.

Bucky quickly checks that her address is in the radius he’s offering, just in case, which it is, and then sends an email back confirming and asking for a time for an initial meeting so he can meet her dog and get any details he needs.

“You’re gonna make so many new friends, Eps,” he grins down at her, while Epsi accidently steps in her water bowl and then looks drastically terrified as she shakes her paw.

Bucky huffs in amusement as he watches her, his heart full to bursting.

Life hasn’t felt this good in a long time.

****

Bucky’s first walk goes really well. He picks up Margaret’s dog—Margaret having turned out to be the older woman in the park that he approached on his first day giving out cards. She’s retired and doesn’t have the energy to walk her dog as much as she used to, so Bucky will be taking over her lunchtime walks. It turns out she and her late husband were also in the military back in the day, so she clearly has a soft spot for veterans and Bucky has to admit to himself that his mom was right about putting that on the cards.

It also happens to coincide with a day Steve needs Sox walking, so he picks up Sox as well. With Epsi, that makes three. Bucky figures he wouldn’t want to go past four or five at the very most, and probably three is just perfect for now as he gets used to it. It means not a lot of extra money, but it’s something, and something is good enough for now. He’s trying.

Sox had seemed super happy to see him and Epsi and their new friend, the little boxer called Trinity. And Bucky couldn’t help smiling at the little thank you note Steve had left him next to Sox’s leash, which included a little doodle of Bucky with Epsi and Sox. It’s actually really good so Bucky pocketed the note to keep instead of throwing it away.

The next day, he does the same thing again. He finds he’s already loving the routine of it. And okay, picking up dog crap after three dogs isn’t the most fun he’s ever had, but everything else is. And he’s made sure he’s got addresses and dog pictures and names in his phone just in case he has a bout of forgetfulness, but so far he thinks everything’s going really well. He tucks away another doodle note Steve’s left him, this time of Bucky throwing a ball to their dogs, and when he gets home, he puts it on the fridge door with the note from the day before, smiling to himself as he does.

The next day is Sox-less. Steve has the day off so can walk Sox himself, same for the day after. Bucky can’t help looking around the park for them, but he doesn’t see them. He tries not to feel disappointed. He thinks Epsi is though, missing her friend, even though they still have Trinity with them.

They aren’t disappointed the next day.

Sox comes bounding up the same way he always does, except this time Bucky has to keep control of two excitable dogs, because even though Trinity is old, she’s still boisterous when she wants to be and apparently loves her new dog friends.

Bucky knows how she feels. His heart thumps just a bit faster as Steve jogs up, sweaty running gear sticking tightly to his body.

“Hey,” Steve grins as he gets there. “Oh my god, your job is awesome, I’m gonna get to meet so many dogs.” He’s already bending down to say hi to Trinity.

Bucky introduces them as Steve stands back up.

“So Sox has already given me rave reviews,” Steve tells him, still grinning.

Bucky chuckles. “Oh yeah?” He looks over at Sox. “Don’t tell your daddy it’s cause I bribed you with treats,” he fake whispers to the dog, before looking back at Steve.

Steve’s eyes seem to widen and he swallows, but then lets out a little laugh. “Oh is that how it is?”

“Only a couple,” Bucky hurries to say. They’d discussed if Sox could have treats and Steve had said yes, so Bucky hopes he hasn’t messed up.

Steve waves him off. “I know. I trust you, Buck. I know you aren’t gonna fatten him up,” he grins.

Bucky feels his face heating up at the casual way Steve just gave him a nickname and the fact that Steve trusts him. That feels really nice.

“Hey, so I was wondering, are you doing anything tonight?” Steve continues, while Bucky feels flustered.

Bucky doesn’t have to check his phone to know he’s not. “No,” he tells Steve. “Do you need Sox walking tonight?” He’d be happy to do an extra walk if Steve needs him to.

“Oh, no, that’s not what I…I thought I’d see if maybe you’d want to come over for dinner? I was gonna order Chinese but I always get too much. Plus these two could hang out,” he adds, looking down at Sox and Epsi.

Bucky tries to puzzle his way through what Steve just said. Sox and Epsi hang out during their walks now, but he supposes it would be nice for them to hang out in Steve’s yard again. And Bucky hardly ever orders take-out so Chinese might be nice for a change.

“Um, okay,” Bucky decides, remembering he’s supposed to be making friends here and this is exactly the sort of thing friends do. “I haven’t had Chinese in ages.”

Steve looks really happy. “Great! Is six okay?”

Bucky nods.

“Okay, we’ll see you then.” Steve sounds really happy and almost relieved, Bucky thinks. He’s not sure why, but he likes smiling Steve, so he doesn’t ponder it too much.

“Better get back to it,” Steve grins and then sort of claps him on the shoulder and then he and Sox are off running again, with a bark and a wave goodbye.

Bucky looks down at where Trinity and Epsi are patiently waiting. Or well, Trinity is. Epsi is following her own tail round in circles. He takes a deep breath, trying not to worry. It’s just hanging out with a friend. It’ll be fine. “Well, that’ll be fun, won’t it, Eps.”

****

It’s not fun.

Bucky doesn’t know what he was thinking, saying yes to Steve’s offer to come over. He feels anxious and unsure as he rings Steve’s doorbell at five minutes to six. Because sure, they’ve hung out before, but only for a little while. Bucky’s not good at longer than a little while. He gets in his own head and doesn’t know what to say and now he’s gonna have to try for at least two hours, he figures, before he can go home without offending Steve.

Epsi whines a little next to him.

Bucky frowns down at her. Sometimes he thinks she can read his mind. She snuffles her face against his leg and Bucky sighs. It helps somehow.

Then the door opens and there’s Steve.

Bucky sort of forgets how to breathe and thinks he might choke on his tongue. Because he’s only seen Steve in his running clothes before. He’s never seen him in a blue button-down shirt that brings out his eyes even more and black pants that cling to his thighs and grey fuzzy socks on his feet. Steve looks good in his running clothes. But Steve looks gorgeous in his normal clothes.

“Hey, Buck.” Steve’s face lights up with a smile. “Right on time, come on in.” He moves back from the door, holding it open for Bucky.

Bucky takes a second and then forces his feet to move forward, Epsi following alongside. He stands there in Steve’s house, unsure of what to do as Steve closes the door.

“You can let Epsi off leash,” Steve tells him. “Sox is outside, I’ll go get him in a sec.”

“O-okay,” Bucky manages, reaching to unclip Epsi’s leash. She wanders off straight away, going to sniff the dog bed in the corner of the living room, and Bucky puts his bag down in the corner near the door and takes his sneakers off, because that’s what he prefers when people come to his house. Not that people do come to his house. But it’s what he _would_ prefer. His parents do it at least.

Bucky tries to stop thinking about shoes and takes a look around. The front door opens basically straight into Steve’s living room, minus the little entryway, and it’s all hardwood floors and cosy looking furniture with neutral walls. There’s a big screen TV in one corner and a window seat along the large front window to the right.

“Your place is so nice,” Bucky mumbles.

“Oh thanks,” Steve replies casually. “Here, let me get your jacket.”

Bucky’s about to shrug his jacket off, but Steve is literally reaching out to help ease the jacket off of Bucky’s shoulders before Bucky can really move. He tries not to shiver a little as Steve’s hands brush down his arms.

Steve turns to hang Bucky’s jacket on a hook near the door while Bucky stands there a little bit frozen.

“Here, come on through to the kitchen, I’ll get you a drink,” Steve tells him, already moving to the left, so Bucky follows, hesitating slightly to make sure Epsi follows them too.

He’s led through open double doors to the large kitchen. It’s got marble countertops and white cabinets and is just so fancy. It’s also got the backdoor onto the yard and Steve opens it, calling Sox in, who runs in and then their dogs are frantically sniffing each other again.

Bucky can’t help chuckling. “You’d think they’d get tired of doing that.”

Steve looks over from where he’s just opened the fridge. “I guess they both must smell really good.”

Bucky huffs in amusement. He somehow doubts that. “Wouldn’t it be weird if humans sniffed each other like dogs do,” he muses out loud.

Steve laughs and then offers out a bottle of beer to Bucky.

“Thanks.” Bucky steps forward to take it, feeling the cool glass under his fingers.

Steve comes closer to open the bottle for him, steadying Bucky’s hand with his own, fingers wrapped over Bucky’s and he gets the cap off and lets go, but then leans in and does an over the top sniff of Bucky.

“Hmm, yeah, that would be weird,” Steve says, eyes twinkling, while Bucky stands there wide-eyed and bewildered. “For the record, you smell great,” Steve grins at him, as he steps back and opens his own beer.

Bucky feels a bit like his brain has gone offline. “I, uh, I showered,” he hears himself utter. “Otherwise I smell like dog lately.”

Steve grins back at him, looking amused.

_What a dumb thing to say_ , Bucky thinks. He sort of implied that he doesn’t always shower. Which he does. “Uh, are we, um…Chinese?” Bucky sputters, finally moving slightly, breaking Steve’s eye contact with him.

“Yeah, let me grab the menu.”

Steve moves over to the fridge again and grabs a menu from under a magnet on the door, along with a notepad and pencil from a drawer. Then he returns and puts the menu on the countertop, leaning over to look at it, gesturing for Bucky to come and do the same.

Bucky moves over next to him so he can read it. He doesn’t lean like Steve is. Tries desperately not to look at how Steve’s ass looks as he leans over like that.

“Um, I guess, the crispy shredded beef in Szechuan sauce,” Bucky decides, pointing it out for Steve.

“Cool. What else?” Steve asks as he notes it down, also writing a couple of things for himself.

“I guess just some rice?”

“Ooh, do you wanna share some Chow Mein?” Steve offers, noting down some fried rice as well. “Oh and some wontons?”

He’s already writing it so Bucky figures it’s a rhetorical question, but he still nods.

Steve checks if he wants anything else and then grabs his phone to call the place, putting in a much too large order.

“Twenty minutes,” Steve tells him with a little smile as he hangs up. “Wanna go sit in the living room while we wait?” he offers, picking up his beer again.

Bucky realises he’s just been holding his and not drinking it. “Yeah,” he nods, taking a sip. He looks over at the dogs who seem to have both found dog toys to play with and seem pretty happy.

“Ah, let’s leave them to it,” Steve says with a smile.

Bucky lets Steve lead him back to the living room, only slightly apprehensive about Epsi being out of his line of sight, and sits on the couch when Steve gestures to it. Steve sits next to him, lifting one leg and tucking it under himself so he’s turned to face Bucky a bit.

“You’re really good at drawing,” Bucky blurts because he doesn’t want them to fall into awkward silence.

Steve looks slightly startled by the comment, but then smiles softly, looking down for a moment. “Thanks. It’s just for fun. You liked the notes then?”

Bucky can’t help smiling. “They’re really cute.”

“Well I have a good subject,” Steve smiles back, eyes meeting Bucky’s.

Bucky looks down and takes a sip of his drink. Steve’s right. Dogs are the best subject. There’s nothing cuter.

“So, can I ask you something?”

Bucky looks over at Steve curiously. “Yeah?”

“How long were you in the army?” Steve says this softly, like he thinks it might be a sensitive topic.

Bucky lets out a little sigh. He doesn’t mind talking about it really and he guesses it’s completely normal for Steve to want to know. “God, um, I joined when I was eighteen and left at twenty-six.”

“Whoa. That’s a really long time,” Steve comments.

“Yeah, I guess. I probably would have stayed longer if I hadn’t…” Bucky wriggles the fingers of his left hand.

“Do you mind if I ask…” Steve says, face in a little grimace like Bucky might tell him to fuck off.

“Got blown up,” Bucky says simply. “Got infected. Got it chopped off.” He doesn’t remember any of that part. Just knows what people told him. It allows him to be blunt like that.

Steve looks slightly horrified. “God, Buck, that’s—”

“It’s okay,” Bucky cuts him off. He doesn’t want pity. “I mean…no, it wasn’t okay, but then I got this and things got better again.” Bucky waves his metal fingers again, looking at his own hand.

Steve looks at his hand too and Bucky can see the curiosity in his eyes.

“You wanna see it?” Bucky offers.

Steve looks flustered. “I, god, sorry, was I staring?” He sounds extremely remorseful.

Bucky huffs in amusement. “Nah. People are always curious, I get it.” He shifts on the couch, pulling off the left sleeve of the blue and black check shirt he threw on over a white t-shirt, so Steve can see his whole arm, minus the shoulder.

Steve looks cautious, like he’s almost afraid to look too closely.

“It’s really okay,” Bucky tells him. “I owe my life to this thing, I’m not ashamed of it or anything.”

Steve looks like he feels better when Bucky says that. “Does it…” he starts softly, “…I mean, can you feel things with it?” he asks, eyes a little full of wonder now.

“Yeah. Not in the same way, but enough.”

“Does it hurt?” is Steve’s next question, asked so softly.

Bucky half shrugs. “Sometimes. Gets kinda achy, but so does my other arm sometimes so…”

Steve is studying his arm now, like he can’t help himself, now that Bucky said he could.

“It doesn’t bother you, does it?” Bucky finds himself checking.

Steve’s eyes snap to his. “Of course not,” he says emphatically. “I…it’s pretty cool,” he says with a soft smile.

Bucky’s glad it doesn’t. He lifts his arm out a little. “You can touch it if you want?” He can see that Steve’s been itching to do so, but he’s far too polite to.

Steve looks at him, wide-eyed. “Are you sure?” He frowns a little. “I mean, that’s your arm, it’s not for me to poke and prod at.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Well I didn’t say poke it,” he jokes. “Plus, like you said, it’s my arm, so it’s up to me if I wanna offer it up to people,” he chuckles.

Steve gives him a look like he maybe can’t believe Bucky’s real in that moment. Then he reaches out hesitantly and touches his fingers to Bucky’s bicep, extremely lightly. So light that Bucky actually can’t feel it. Bucky holds back another eye roll as Steve moves his fingers slightly, running them over the places the plates join.

“This is really incredible,” Steve murmurs.

“This guy, Stark, he makes stuff like this for vets, if you’re one of the lucky ones,” Bucky explains, as Steve moves his hand away. Bucky pulls his left sleeve back on.

“How did you get to be one of the lucky ones?” Steve asks.

Bucky smirks. “My dad was his dad’s roommate in college,” he admits. “So nepotism, I guess.” He shrugs. “It’s not fair, but then when’s anything in the world fair? I got hurt, but I guess at least I got to come back,” he adds, thinking about his friends who didn’t make it.

“I’m glad you came back,” Steve says softly, voice full of feeling.

Bucky feels his face heat up a little and he looks down at his lap. “Thanks, Steve,” he replies quietly.

There’s a moment of silence. Bucky sips his drink again, feeling Steve’s eyes on him. He just shared something he’s never shared with anyone outside of his family and somehow he feels like Steve recognises that.

“So you mentioned your parents the other day, is it just you guys? Got any siblings?” Steve asks, sounding genuinely interested.

Bucky likes how he managed to switch topics without it being awkward and he shakes his head. “I have a sister. Rebecca. She lives in London though, so I don’t see her a whole lot. Just at like Christmas and stuff. She, um, we didn’t really…we weren’t as close when I got back anyway.” Becca always looked at him differently when he came home, one arm down. Bucky didn’t like it and then three months after he returned, she got a job offer in London and moved away. Bucky misses her sometimes, but he figures they’re better off this way. He doesn’t have to see how she looks at him like a stranger and she doesn’t have to look after her burden of a brother.

“That’s too bad,” Steve murmurs. “I don’t have any siblings. It’s just my ma and me.”

“What about your dad?” Bucky blurts, still thinking about Becca.

“Yeah, he passed away when I was eleven.” Steve bites his lip and looks away.

“It’s really hard to lose people,” Bucky replies. Then realises he should have just told Steve how sorry he was to hear that, but Bucky’s not good at knowing what to say.

“Did you…” Steve asks hesitantly. “In the army?”

Bucky nods, running his hand over his jeans, picking at the fabric a little. “Yeah, lots.” He huffs out a sad little breath, thinking about his friends who didn’t make it back. “I miss them.”

Steve’s hand covers his own and squeezes, startling Bucky slightly as he meets Steve’s eyes again. “I’m sorry you lost people.”

Bucky gives him a sad smile. “I’m sorry you lost your dad.”

For a moment, Steve’s just holding his hand.

Then Sox comes running in and barks, breaking the moment.

Steve chuckles as he moves his hand back. “Someone knows it’s his dinner time.” He gets to his feet. “Does Epsi need some food?”

Bucky puts his beer down carefully on a coaster on the coffee table and checks his phone. It’s fifteen minutes before her usual dinnertime, but he figures that’s okay. “Um, yeah, let me just grab her food,” he says, heading for the door where he left his bag tucked in the corner.

Steve turns to watch him and Bucky finds Epsi’s travel bowl and the small bag of kibble he portioned out earlier. “You bought her food with you?” Steve asks.

“Um, yeah?” Bucky looks over, wondering if that’s weird.

“You’re so cute,” Steve chuckles with a little headshake, heading for the kitchen.

Bucky tries not to feel insulted as he follows along, figuring Epsi should eat in the kitchen too.

Steve pours out Sox’s food and they watch them both eat, Bucky to make sure Sox doesn’t eat Epsi’s food or the other way around.

“God, I don’t know what I’d do without Sox around,” Steve comments as they watch them. “I’ve only had him two years and I can’t imagine life without him.”

Bucky looks over and smiles at Steve. He knows exactly what he means, except he’s had Epsi for only two weeks and he thinks he’d be lost without her. “I think he feels the same about you,” Bucky comments.

Steve smiles fondly. “He’s a good dog.”

“Did you have to train him much?” Bucky asks. He’s been trying to get Epsi to learn simple commands like sit, but it’s a somewhat slow process as she’s so excitable all the time.

“A bit. He picked up things fast.” Steve goes over to where Sox has just finished his dinner. “Shake.” Steve crouches, holding out his hand, and Sox puts his hand up to rest on Steve’s.

Bucky smiles widely as Steve shakes Sox’s hand. “That’s so cute!” he grins.

Steve gives Sox a treat and then turns and smiles back at Bucky. “How’s Epsi’s training going?”

Bucky lets out a sigh. “We’ve gone to a couple of classes and I’m trying at home. She did learn to sit for about twenty minutes,” he rolls his eyes. “Then she seemed to forget again.”

Steve chuckles and reaches out to ruffle Epsi’s fur. “Aww she’s just a baby, she’ll get it eventually. Won’t you, sweet little Epsilon.”

Bucky feels all warm inside at Steve using Epsi’s full name, as Steve stands up.

“Wanna head back in?” Steve gestures to the open double doors.

Epsi’s finished her food now too so Bucky nods. Steve’s left water for them both so Epsi should be fine. She’ll probably take a nap like she usually does after dinner, food always seeming to make her sleepy.

They head back to the couch where Bucky picks up his beer again and takes a sip.

“So…where were we?” Steve comments, taking a sip of his beer too. “We kinda covered family and we’ve covered jobs before.” Steve looks thoughtful, sucking in his bottom lip. “How about relationships?” he lands on, looking curiously at Bucky.

Bucky flushes a little. “Not really anything to tell,” he mumbles.

“No?” Steve sounds surprised, though Bucky can’t fathom why. “When was your last?”

Bucky pushes his hair behind his ear and fiddles with the label on his beer bottle. “Um, before the army I guess, but I was like seventeen, so it doesn’t really count.” He’s basically never had an adult relationship. “I mean, there were a couple of guys in the army, but that wasn’t a relationship kind of thing.”

Steve nods along, surprisingly not looking at Bucky like he’s a complete freak and happily not seeming put off by Bucky’s casual admission of his sexuality. “I’ve been single for about three years now,” he tells Bucky. “Kinda why I got Sox eventually. Was getting kinda lonely sometimes.”

Bucky can’t really imagine Steve being lonely. If he wanted someone to date, all he’d need to do is ask. No one in their right mind would turn him down.

Steve must see his curious look and interpret it somewhat. “I’m not really one for casual things,” he explains. “I want someone I have a connection with, ya know? Something real.” He looks into Bucky’s eyes as he speaks.

“Yeah,” Bucky nods, because it seems like the thing to do. To be honest, he doesn’t really know. He’s never really had that, unless the shared love of _Lord of the Rings_ counted as a connection between him and Michael, his boyfriend when he was seventeen.

“Buck, I—” Steve starts, but is interrupted by the doorbell. He smiles wryly. “Thwarted by the doorbell,” he murmurs quietly as he gets up.

Bucky frowns to himself, wondering what that comment meant as Steve opens the door to the food delivery.

“Ah, it smells sooo good,” Steve grins, bringing the food over to the coffee table, having paid and tipped the delivery guy. “Here, you unpack and I’ll grab plates and stuff.”

Bucky sets to work pulling out the food containers. Both Epsi and Sox run in, apparently having smelt the food, sniffing around in interest. “It’s not for you guys,” Bucky tells them in amusement. “Well, maybe some leftovers…but only if your daddy says yes, Sox,” he murmurs.

Steve comes back in, passing Bucky a plate, putting his down for a moment as he grabs the TV remote. “I thought we could watch a movie while we eat?” he offers.

Bucky nods. “Sounds good.”

“Any preferences?” Steve asks, throwing a stray dog toy for Sox to get him away from the food, Epsi chasing after it too.

“Comedy?” Bucky doesn’t really like anything dark these days. Hates horror, doesn’t really like action either. He prefers softer things. Things that make him laugh or feel good by the end.

Sox returns, shoving his nose at the food cartons again and Steve lets out a little sigh. “You okay if I lock them in the kitchen while we eat?” he asks.

Bucky doesn’t love the idea of that, but he agrees, because it does make sense. They’re bound to get dog noses actually in their food otherwise.

“Can I give Epsi a treat?” Steve yells back as he gathers them into the kitchen.

“Okay,” Bucky calls back. He loves that Steve checked with him first.

Steve comes back with a grin on his face, shutting the sliding doors behind him. “Oh, dig in, don’t wait for me,” he tells Bucky.

Bucky smiles back and starts opening everything. There’s a mountain of food. Steve really meant it when he said he orders too much. Bucky tries to serve himself a reasonable portion size as he goes through the containers.

Steve’s scrolling through Netflix. “Have you seen this one?” he asks, pausing in his clicking.

Bucky looks up and sees he’s got _Let’s Be Cops_ selected. He shakes his head.

“Oh, it’s great,” Steve tells him, pressing play, and then grabbing his own plate and digging into the containers. Then he pauses it for a moment. “Shit, I just remembered it’s got some shooting scenes and stuff.”

Bucky looks over at him, confused.

“Is that okay for you?” Steve asks, looking like he doesn’t want to ask but feels he has to.

Bucky huffs in amusement as he realises what Steve’s asking. “It’s fine,” he tells him. “Only real fireworks kinda get to me,” he adds.

Steve nods and un-pauses the movie. “Okay.”

Bucky finds himself kind of charmed by that. Steve checked in with him but didn’t make a big deal of it and Bucky likes that. He finds himself relaxing as they eat. The movie’s funny and the food is delicious, and it’s nice, not being alone for dinner. He really likes Steve’s company and it’s not as hard as he thought it would be. Somehow he always seems to open up with Steve and doesn’t find it as hard to talk to him as other people. Sometimes he finds he opens up a little too much, but Steve doesn’t seem to mind.

“Oh, you’ve gotta try a wonton,” Steve moans round a mouthful of food.

“Okay.” They sound good if Steve’s groan was anything to go by. He reaches into a container to find one, dips it in the sauce, and takes a bite. “Mmm,” he agrees, still chewing.

“Right?” Steve grins, then he chuckles while looking at Bucky.

“What?” Bucky manages as he swallows.

“You’ve just got a little sauce…” Steve explains, looking at Bucky’s chin.

Bucky pats his face to try to find it.

“Here, I’ll get it,” Steve says and then he leans over and wipes the corner of Bucky’s mouth with his thumb, staring at him. “There you go,” he says after a moment, and then he leans back into his corner of the couch, licking the drop of sauce off his thumb, looking over at the TV again.

Bucky sits there a little stunned for a moment. His face is sort of tingling where Steve just touched it. He doesn’t get what just happened. He looks away from Steve and then shoves a forkful of food into his mouth. Then he relaxes and figures Steve is just a really nice guy and a kind of tactile one and that’s fine. He was just helping Bucky to not look like a mess.

They’re mostly silent for the rest of dinner, while they watch the movie. Steve lets out a groan and holds onto his completely flat stomach as he puts his empty plate down. “Oh man, I ate too much.”

Bucky smirks at him, putting down his plate on top of Steve’s. He’s pretty full, but not ‘feeling ill’ full. He settles back into the suede couch cushions. They’re on either end, legs sort of facing each other slightly, Steve more so than Bucky. Bucky shifts a little, wishing he could put his feet up and stretch out.

Steve seems to sense it as he pats the couch. “Here, put your feet up, Buck, it’s fine.”

Bucky looks down, a little shyly, and then puts his feet up, bending his knees so Steve still has his side of the couch to himself. He’s glad he put on socks that don’t have any holes.

Steve chuckles. “Ah, you can stretch out, my couch is your couch,” he grins. Then he hooks his arm round Bucky’s legs and pulls so they’re straight, his feet ending up in Steve’s lap.

Bucky feels all flustered again, but Steve doesn’t seem bothered. He even keeps his hands gently resting on Bucky’s calves as he turns back to the movie, putting his own feet up on his coffee table.

They stay like that for the rest of it, Steve’s fingers absentmindedly moving on Bucky’s leg occasionally. Bucky tries not to move at all. He doesn’t know why his heart is racing so much. When the credits come on, he finally allows himself to move, asking Steve where the bathroom is.

Steve directs him to the bathroom just off the kitchen, Bucky heading that way, finding their dogs curled up together in Sox’s bed in the kitchen.

Bucky huffs in amusement at the adorableness as he walks past and locks himself in the bathroom. He checks his phone to find it’s just after eight-twenty. If he wanted, he could go now. That’s definitely a polite amount of time to stay. But he finds he doesn’t want to. He feels a little flustered and feels like he can still feel the warmth of Steve’s hands on his legs, but he’s having a good time. He doesn’t want to go home yet.

He looks in the mirror for a moment and then runs a little cold water over his wrists.

When Bucky heads back out into the kitchen, he finds Steve’s cleared up their plates and is putting the leftover food into the fridge.

“Hey, I was gonna make a coffee, do you want a hot chocolate?” Steve asks.

Bucky can’t really make out the expression on his face. He looks a little tentative, like he thinks Bucky might say no. “Yeah that would be great, thanks,” Bucky nods. He slides onto one of Steve’s bar stools at the central island, figuring he can keep Steve company as he makes it. Their dogs are still sleeping soundly.

“Great!” Steve says, sounding pleased, reaching into the fridge for some milk. “So are you a fan of chocolate in general or just hot chocolate?” he asks as he bustles about the kitchen.

“In general,” Bucky admits. He has a hell of a sweet tooth. “Cakes, cookies, you name it, I’ll eat it.”

“I’ll remember that,” Steve throws a smile his way, before looking back at the coffee maker.

“I’m guessing you don’t eat that kind of thing,” Bucky comments, looking at the firm muscles of Steve’s back, moving as he moves his arms.

“What? Why?” Steve chuckles, glancing over his shoulder.

“Well cause….” Bucky gestures with his hand towards Steve.

“Is that your way of saying I look good?” Steve smirks, eyes sparkling.

Bucky blushes. “I…well…I just mean…you must work out a lot,” he stutters.

Steve shrugs a shoulder. “I have to stay fit for my job. But hell yes, I eat cake and ice cream and all that junk. I’d have some now if I wasn’t so full. Do you want anything?” he offers.

Bucky shakes his head and pats his stomach. “Pretty much same situation right now.”

“Plus like you’re one to talk,” Steve comments, adding some cream to his coffee, then looking pointedly at Bucky’s arms and chest.

Bucky huffs an incredulous laugh. “Yeah, right. God, when I was in the army, I was so fit, you wouldn’t believe it.” He’s so much thinner now, muscles much leaner.

“You look plenty fit now,” Steve tells him, a playful look in his eyes as he slides Bucky’s hot chocolate across the counter to him.

“Do you want to watch another movie?” Bucky blurts.

“I’d love to,” Steve replies, eyes looking pleasantly surprised, as he picks up his coffee.

Bucky picks up his drink and they head back to the living room. They settle in their respective couch corners again, except this time Steve pulls Bucky’s legs up straight away, giving him a small smile, and he flicks to find another comedy for them to watch.

Bucky doesn’t register falling asleep partway through. He wakes up slowly to find he’s sunk down on Steve’s couch and there’s a blanket over him. And then he turns his head and realises Steve’s brushing a bit of Bucky’s hair out of his face as he blinks his eyes open and sees Steve’s crouched next to him, really close up.

“Hey, Buck,” he whispers. “You fell asleep. It’s getting a bit late though, so I figured I better wake you.”

Bucky blinks and rubs at his eyes. “Shit. What time is it?”

“Just nearing ten.”

Bucky drags himself up to sitting as Steve stands up. “Sorry,” he apologises. He didn’t mean to fall asleep. It was just so cosy on Steve’s couch.

“Not a problem. You looked really peaceful, but I figured you probably would want to get back home?” Steve says, sort of like a question.

Bucky figures Steve must mean he wouldn’t mind him sleeping on his couch, but he’s right, Bucky should get home. “Yeah, thanks,” he murmurs as wakes up properly.

“Do you want me to drive you guys?” Steve offers.

Bucky shakes his head as he stands and stretches his arms out for a moment with a yawn. “It’s fine. I’m not far.”

“Okay,” Steve says softly.

He helps Bucky gather his things and get Epsi back on her leash, offering him leftover Chinese food to take home, but Bucky shakes his head and tells Steve he should enjoy it. It was nice enough that Steve paid for it, after all.

Steve escorts him to the front door, helping him with his jacket again, brushing down the collar at the back where it must have gotten folded in.

“This was nice,” Bucky states as he turns to face Steve, having shoved his feet into his sneakers. “Thanks for inviting me.” He means it. He had a really good night. He hopes Steve will want to hang out again. Maybe Bucky could have him over to his house next or maybe Steve will invite him when his friends are next over or something. Bucky’s not good with meeting people, but he thinks he wouldn’t mind so much if Steve’s friends are anything like Steve.

“Thanks for saying yes,” Steve replies with a soft smile. “I, uh…” He pauses. “Make sure you get home safe.” Then he leans in and gathers Bucky into a hug, squeezing him tight, Steve’s hair brushing against Bucky’s cheek.

No one except his mom and dad have hugged him in probably two years. Bucky feels a little overwhelmed. Especially as Steve holds on for a good few seconds. Bucky makes his hands work enough to at least rest gently against Steve’s back.

When Steve pulls back, he’s still smiling softly at Bucky. Then he reaches down and ruffles Epsi’s head. “Goodnight, Epsilon the most beautiful,” he grins, but Bucky’s knows he’s not making fun of her name, he’s just being a goof.

Steve opens the door for them, and Bucky leads Epsi out. She’s super sleepy and he figures he’ll probably end up carrying her home, but he doesn’t mind. He gives Steve a little wave as they reach the sidewalk, noticing that Steve stays in his doorway to watch them go until he’s out of sight.

Bucky smiles as he walks the fifteen minutes to his home, humming a little to himself. He can still feel the ghost of Steve’s arms around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments last chapter, was so nice to hear from you guys 💜 
> 
> So yeah, this one was definately a date, but Bucky doesn't seem to get that 😂 He's so cute. Hope you enjoyed and hope you are all keeping safe ❤️


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is angst in this chapter. I'd say sorry but I'm not sorry 🤭

Bucky picks up Sox from Steve’s house for his next scheduled walk two days later.

Steve’s left him another drawing, of Epsi and Sox sleeping in Sox’s bed together, but instead of the usual ‘thanks!’ note, instead it says, ‘thanks for a great night’.

Bucky smiles to himself and tucks the note into his bag before heading off with Sox and Epsi. It’s Sunday so Trinity’s not with them that day.

The next morning turns out even better than the last. He gets another customer, who needs their dog walking just at lunchtime too. Bucky calls him to arrange the details and he thinks he does very well talking over the phone considering he hates them.

So now he has two regulars to go with Steve’s changing schedule for Sox. Trinity and Papaya—the most ridiculously amazing Chow Chow—now join Epsi on all her lunchtime walks.

Papaya is a little harder to control than the others, but Bucky manages. It can be tough, especially when he has Sox too and Bucky decides four dogs at once is definitely his limit for now. He wants to give them all enough attention and it’s hard when they run about getting their leashes tangled.

Still, Bucky really loves it.

He goes for dinner at his parents’ house on Tuesday and tells them all about it and of course his mom makes a big fuss and is super happy for him. Somehow he also ends up telling them all about Steve too as he talks about Sox.

“So, this Steve fellow, you’re becoming good friends with him?” his dad asks, as Bucky passes him the mashed potatoes.

“I think so,” Bucky smiles softly. “He’s nice to talk to and he seems to like talking to me too, so…” He shrugs. He hopes they can be good friends. It’s felt really nice to have someone to talk to, especially someone who didn’t know him before and doesn’t have expectations of who he is and how he should act.

His mom has a big smile on her face as she passes him the green beans. “That’s wonderful,” she tells him. “And of course he likes talking to you, who wouldn’t.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “You’re my mother, you have to say that.”

“Pssh,” she waves him off. “That may be true, but it’s equally true that you’re a wonderful person.”

Bucky’s about to complain when Epsi puts her paws up on his leg and whines at him. “Hey, no, don’t do that face,” he frowns at her. “Mom’s roast chicken is people food, not dog food.”

“Aww, poor Epsi, don’t be so mean,” his dad chuckles, watching them.

“All the books say she should have her food, not ours,” Bucky informs him firmly, lifting Epsi’s paws from him and setting her back on the ground. Bucky’s fallen for her big eyes more than once, but he’s not going to tell his dad that.

Epsi whines at him, but Bucky tries to stay firm even as his heart clenches. He stays strong as they tuck into their dinner.

His mom starts asking him more about the dogs he’s walking and the people he’s walking them for, so Bucky tells her all about them. After a little while though, Bucky notices Epsi’s gone quiet and looks over to see his dad sneaking her a piece of chicken.

“Dad!” he exclaims, and his dad jumps in his seat, caught out.

He looks very guilty. “She-she looked at me! With those big, big eyes!” he protests.

Bucky lets out a big sigh. “Pushover,” he grouses, looking at where Epsi’s licking around her mouth, very pleased with herself. “You are too cute for your own good,” he tells her, trying to be annoyed, but failing miserably.

She looks at him and then slumps to the floor, belly up, and both his parents start laughing as Bucky drops his head to the table with a sigh. His dog is a beautiful terror.

They eventually head home, both full of food, Epsi looking sleepier with every step. George offered to drive them, but Bucky figured the walk home would be Epsi’s evening walk anyway and it’s only slightly chilly out so he enjoys the long walk back.

He’s feeling completely content as he and Epsi get home, Epsi immediately falling asleep as Bucky gets ready for bed. He shakes his head to himself as he looks at her. She can go from a hundred to zero in two seconds, and back again.

As Bucky’s settling down and opening his current book, his phone beeps.

_So I think Sox is moping cause he misses you and Epsi already :(_

Bucky chuckles to himself as he sees the message from Steve. There’s a photo attached of Sox lying with his head on the floor and he _does_ look decidedly grumpy.

 **Are you getting worried he likes us more than you?** he types back, smirking to himself.

_If he does that just means he’s even smarter than I thought_

Bucky huffs and rolls his eyes at Steve’s teasing and then another message comes in before he can reply.

_Anyway I was wondering if you’re free Thursday, thought we could see a movie?_

Bucky’s already good mood gets even better. He hasn’t been to the movies in forever—the last time was at Christmas with his family.

He texts back to say yes, after quickly checking with his mom if he can leave Epsi with them that evening, because he doesn’t like leaving her alone.

_:D I can stop by and pick you up around 7?_

Bucky doesn’t drive so that’s way better than him having to get the bus or a cab to the cinema. He smiles as he texts Steve his address.

 _I already know where you live_ , Steve texts back.

Bucky frowns at his phone and types back. **That’s oddly serial killer of you Steve.**

He tries to think back. He’s pretty sure he’s never mentioned his address to Steve.

Steve sends back the crying with laughter emoji. _It’s on your business card_. More laughing emojis.

Oh. Right. Bucky forgot about that. He sends back a finger flipping him off emoji and **GOODNIGHT STEVE** in all caps.

Steve sends back another crying with laughter emoji and _Night Buck :)_

Bucky falls asleep smiling to himself.

He’s still happy the next morning, but Wednesday and Thursday kind of drag, even though he takes Epsi to another training class on Wednesday and goes grocery shopping on Thursday. He just feels oddly impatient for some reason.

When Steve rings his doorbell on Thursday night, the feeling suddenly settles and he realises just how excited he was to hang out with Steve. He’s missed having plans, he realises.

He opens the door with a smile, grabbing his jacket at the same time in case his red henley isn’t warm enough. “Hey, Steve.” Steve’s wearing jeans with a blue sweater and a greyish brown jacket over the top, so Bucky figures he was right about maybe needing a jacket.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve replies as Bucky makes his way out the house, figuring the movie starts soon so Steve doesn’t have time for a tour. “Your hair looks nice,” Steve adds.

Bucky tied it back in a rush, because it was being so messy that day, so it’s sort of half up half down. “Oh, yeah, sometimes it’s just a mess,” he says sheepishly, gingerly touching the messy knot at the back.

Steve leads him to his car and Bucky straps himself in once he gets in the front seat. He doesn’t drive anymore, because his left arm apparently disqualifies him from doing it. It’s dumb because even though he can do basically anything with it, apparently the tech is too advanced and rare for them to say if it’s safe enough. Bucky doesn’t mind too much though. He likes walking and it’s not like he goes to that many places anyway.

“So Sox has had a wonderful week,” Steve tells him as he starts the car and drives off.

“He tell you that?” Bucky smirks.

“Oh yeah,” Steve replies with a mischievous grin.

“Well, how about you? Did you have a good week?” Bucky asks. He knows Steve works really long hours on the days he’s at work.

Steve glances over at him. “Better now,” he murmurs. “Did you?”

Bucky nods, thinking about his week. “I got a new customer.”

“That’s great!” Steve beams, sounding really happy for him. It makes Bucky feel warm inside, that Steve’s so supportive.

“Yeah, it’s this adorable Chow Chow called Papaya. He’s like a mini lion. I’m sure Sox told you all about him,” he adds with a little playful smirk.

“Oh yeah, that’s right,” Steve plays along, voice serious. “He’s super fun according to Sox.”

Bucky dissolves into laughter and then so does Steve.

They fall into a comfortable chat about their weeks as Steve makes the short drive to the cinema, Steve telling him about some of the most stupid things people called an ambulance for that week, while Bucky tells him about how Epsi shoved her nose into some flowers and then sneezed and looked confused as hell. It’s nice. Bucky feels like he can be himself around Steve and everything just feels easy with him.

They keep talking on the walk from the parking lot and when they get to the foyer, Steve goes to get tickets, while Bucky waits to get popcorn and sodas, having divided up duties in the car. Then they meet up and head inside the theatre.

“Do you have a seat preference?” Steve asks as they look at the half full seats.

“Um, the back?” Bucky would prefer not having anyone sitting behind him. He can’t help it. It’s been drilled into him that you don’t leave your back unprotected.

“Cool.” Steve smiles and leads the way up the stairs.

They sit on the end of the row, which Bucky also appreciates as it means he can get out easily, and they busy themselves getting settled.

It’s not a bad movie. It’s not great, but Bucky laughs a couple of times and it’s nice to be out of the house and not just to go to the park. Sometimes Steve reaches for the popcorn at the same time as Bucky and their hands will brush and then Steve gives him a little smile before looking back at the screen. Bucky tries not to let himself daydream about Steve’s hands too much. Now they seem to officially be friends, he thinks he should probably stop crushing on the guy. He’s not going to do anything to jeopardise his new friendship by making Steve uncomfortable, it’s too important.

By the end of the movie, the popcorn is long gone, and Bucky stands up and stretches, then grabs his jacket, holding it instead of putting it on.

“So did you like it?” Steve asks as he follows Bucky out the theatre, taking their trash with him to throw away, because apparently that’s the kind of guy Steve is.

“Yeah, it wasn’t bad. One of those ‘would probably watch on Netflix again’ movies, if I can’t find anything else,” Bucky grins.

“Ah come on, the guy with the thing? He was funny!” Steve argues, clearly having liked the movie more.

“Ah, I guess,” Bucky shrugs. “Just, it’s been done and done better.”

Steve gives him an appalled look. “Okay, this needs discussion. Let’s go get some pizza so you can explain yourself.”

Bucky shrugs in agreement and follows Steve along. There’s a pizza place just down from the cinema so they walk there and then argue about movies over a large plain cheese pizza. It’s really fun and Bucky’s having a great time. He even makes Steve laugh, which is a skill he didn’t really know he still had, and makes him feel really good and kinda glowy inside.

Somehow it’s already after eleven when they finally make their way out the pizzeria.

“Damn, I’ve gotta get up at five,” Steve whines as they wander back to the car, stuffed with pizza.

“Yeesh,” Bucky raises his eyebrows in sympathy. “Well if it makes you feel better, Eps will probably wake me up at six.”

“Dogs and kids, why don’t they ever want to lie in?” Steve complains. “My friend, Sam, he’s got a four-year-old,” he explains, “and every morning she’s up at the crack of dawn apparently.”

“Ouch,” Bucky huffs.

“Yep,” Steve agrees, putting his hands in his pockets as they walk along. “She’s a sweetie though. Sometimes I babysit for them.” He gets a fond look on his face as he says that. “You think you ever want kids?” he asks.

Bucky lets out a surprised huff. “I mean, I guess I’ve thought about it before, thought it would be nice,” he admits with a shrug. He knows that’s never going to happen though, not anymore. He used to like the idea of it, especially when he’d see guys in his unit calling their families and seeing their kids on their video calls and how sweet they were. It would have been nice one day. But it is what it is, and at least he has Epsi now.

Steve nods along and tells him a bit more about Sam and his wife Maria as they reach the car and drive back to Bucky’s house. Bucky can’t help feeling a little jealous that Steve has good friends like that. Bucky hasn’t had anyone nearby that he can call a friend in years. Until Steve.

“I’ll walk you to the door,” Steve tells him as they stop, before Bucky can say anything.

“Okay,” Bucky ends up mumbling to himself as Steve’s already out the car.

He gets out and they walk up to Bucky’s front porch together, Steve’s arm accidently brushing against his.

“So this was really fun,” Steve starts as they reach Bucky’s door. “I even enjoyed fighting about movies with you,” he chuckles.

“Oh, let me grab that DVD for you,” Bucky suddenly remembers. They’d been discussing movies and Steve hasn’t seen Bucky’s maybe favourite movie, _Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind_ , so Bucky promised to lend him it. Which is probably dumb now that he thinks about it, because Steve could probably stream it somewhere, but whatever. He said he’s getting it so he’s getting it now.

Bucky unlocks the front door and quickly goes over to his bookshelf, finding the DVD, as Steve stands in the doorway.

“Your place is really nice,” he comments as Bucky comes back and hands him the box.

“It’s small,” Bucky mumbles, glancing behind him.

“Cosy,” Steve corrects and Bucky huffs in amusement. “Thanks.” Steve holds up the DVD case then lowers his hand and sort of fiddles with the box with his other hand.

“No problem. I hope work isn’t too bad,” Bucky says with a sympathetic face. Steve’s job sounds incredibly stressful. Like, he actually goes out and saves lives everyday. Bucky can’t imagine it.

“Thanks,” Steve smiles softly back. Then he does that thing again, leaning in to hug Bucky, holding him tight.

Bucky finds he likes it. It sort of makes him melt a little, like some kind of magic stress reliever. So he hugs Steve back properly this time. He’s really warm and he smells really nice too.

When they pull away, Steve’s eyes seem to be searching Bucky’s face for something and he’s oddly close up.

“Well, I’ll see Sox tomorrow,” Bucky smiles, feeling a little confused about that look. Maybe he shouldn’t have hugged back so hard?

Steve moves back and gives him another smile, but there’s still that searching look to him. “Night, Buck.”

Bucky watches him get back into his car and waves as he drives off. He goes back into the house, feeling a little bit like he’s filled with warm sunshine, and wanders into the kitchen to give Epsi her bedtime treat, only to find she isn’t there.

He calls out for her, but she doesn’t appear, and then he searches the whole house and checks the backyard but she’s nowhere.

He starts panicking. He’s lost her again. Did he leave a door open? Or did someone take her? She’s the prettiest dog in the world, someone horrible might want to steal her. Bucky starts breathing fast. He fumbles in his pocket for his phone and calls his mom, starting to feel like he can’t breathe.

It takes a little while for him to speak when she picks up. He can hear his mom making soothing noises, but he can’t make out the words.

“Mom,” he finally manages weakly. “Epsi’s gone. I lost her, I…I need help…you have to help me find her.”

“Sweetheart, Epsi’s with us,” his mom replies, concern in her voice. “She’s here, remember? You asked us to watch her so you could go see a movie with your friend, Steve.”

Bucky freezes for a moment as relief settles over him, but then the horrible realisation comes. “I…I forgot.” Tears fill his eyes, making his vision blur.

“I know, sweetheart, it’s okay,” his mom says gently. “She’s safe and you’re safe. Your dad is driving over now to pick you up and then you can both stay here. I’ll make you waffles in the morning, how’s that?”

“I…okay,” Bucky sniffs, too overwhelmed to care about her babying him right now. “I’ll go get my stuff.”

“Do you want me to stay on the phone until your dad arrives?” she offers.

“N-no,” Bucky manages. “I’m okay now.” He’s not, but he needs a few minutes to himself.

“Okay, see you soon,” his mom promises before they hang up.

Bucky sits on his coffee table. He hates this. He can’t believe he forgot that. How could he forget where he left Epsi for even one second? How could he?

He can’t seem to stop the tears rolling down his face as he makes his way to his room to grab some clothes and then to the kitchen to get Epsi’s food, in case he didn’t leave enough with his parents. He can’t find her travel bowl so he assumes he at least did that right and gave them it.

He sits there shaking, waiting for his dad to come get him, feeling like a child instead of the grown man he’s supposed to be. He feels overwhelmed with frustration and worry. What if he’s forgotten something else important? Not that there’s anything more important than Epsi. He forgot the most important thing in his life. And he’d had such a good night with Steve, why did his stupid brain have to ruin it? Everything had been good and he hadn’t felt anxious all evening and now he’s a wreck. He sucks in a choked breath, trying to stay as calm as he can, but the thoughts won’t stop.

Why can’t he just be normal? Why does he ruin everything?

****

His mom is great at calming him down, but when Bucky goes back to his house the next day, he still feels horrible. He checks through his phone three times to make sure he hasn’t missed any reminders and to make sure he knows which dogs to walk that day.

He’s got all four today. He knows he knows that, but he double and triple checks, just in case.

When he goes to pick up Sox, Steve’s left him a drawing of Epsi chasing a butterfly. There’s also a note wishing him a good day and a bar of Bucky’s favourite chocolate, placed carefully in a zip-lock bag and out of reach of Sox.

Bucky barely remembers telling Steve what his favourite was, he can’t believe Steve remembered. It’s a sweet gesture, almost as if Steve knew he was feeling down, which of course he doesn’t know, and Bucky feels a little like crying as he puts the bar in his pocket.

He eats it on the way to the park, feeling miserable. It starts raining, so Bucky puts up his hood as he walks the dogs, who don’t seem to mind the rain at all.

Of course, they all get a bit muddy, so Bucky spends time cleaning each of them up with the doggy wipes he brings with him and a towel. It’s not perfect but at least their owners won’t be faced with muddy footprints all over their houses.

He drops off Trinity and Papaya, and then takes Sox inside Steve’s house instead of leaving him out in the rain. Steve gave him a key and instructions to leave him in the kitchen if he ever needed to, so Bucky does that. He looks round Steve’s kitchen as sadness fills him as he thinks about their Chinese food night in. It feels like he was someone else that night, someone he can never really be.

He and Epsi spend the rest of Friday lounging. Bucky can’t bring himself to do chores. He lets Epsi out in the yard to play for a while in the evening, instead of a walk for once. He feels guilty about it, but she doesn’t seem to mind too much and Bucky’s exhausted. He just needs a little break. When they snuggle up on the couch again, Bucky breaks down again and cries a bit into Epsi’s fur.

His phone beeps with a message from Steve, asking how his day was and then if he wants to get dinner on Sunday, and for some reason it makes Bucky even sadder. He doesn’t deserve a friend like Steve. He thought he could be normal and hang out with people again, but one day he’ll probably forget to meet Steve and Steve’ll get mad at him and that’ll be it. Or Steve will just realise Bucky’s a person not worth spending time on. He’s too much of a mess. And he just can’t face it anymore. It’s better he stops pretending now.

He texts Steve back, thanking him for the chocolate, because Steve deserves that at least, but says he can’t get dinner on Sunday.

Steve sends a message straight back, offering Monday instead, and Bucky feels like shit. He wants to say yes, but he just can’t. He just wants to disappear. He can’t tell Steve the truth though. He tells him he’s really busy this week so he’ll let him know when he’s free, but Bucky knows he won’t. He just can’t face seeing Steve and seeing everything he himself should be, but never will be.

Steve sends back a text hoping everything’s alright and Bucky puts his phone down. The concern makes him feel even worse. Guilt swirls in his stomach, but it can’t break through the feeling of inevitability. Bucky should have expected this outcome. It was stupid to think he could feel normal and pretend like everything was alright.

Nothing ever feels alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh nooooos 😭
> 
> Your comments on the last chapter were so kind, thank you so much 💜 It's cool if you want to yell at me now 😂


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve POV coming up...😃

“Hey there.”

Bucky startles as he closes the gate to Steve’s yard. He looks over to see Steve sitting on his back porch, Sox by his feet.

“Um, did I get the wrong day?” Bucky instantly panics. He double-checked that morning, he knows he did. But then again, he probably doesn’t know anything. He forgot where his own dog was, for god’s sake.

“No, no,” Steve is quick to reassure him. “A colleague asked me to switch shifts with them.”

“Oh. Well, okay,” Bucky says, still hovering near the gate, Trinity and Epsi at his feet. It would have been helpful if Steve had told him that before he came over to get Sox, but it’s not out the way, so it doesn’t really matter. “I guess I’ll leave you to it then.” He’s disappointed to not be walking Sox, but really he just wants to leave.

Steve stands up. “No, wait,” he says as Bucky turns to go. “I thought we could walk together. I’ll still pay you to walk Sox, of course, seeing as it’s so last minute.” He’s got Sox on his leash already and starts heading towards Bucky.

“I can’t let you do that, I wouldn’t be doing anything,” Bucky frowns. He doesn’t need charity. Plus he doesn’t want Steve to walk with him. That’s the opposite of his plan to forget about them being friends and remain a weird loner surrounded by dogs.

Steve reaches him and holds Sox’s leash out to him.

Bucky takes it, confused and not sure what else to do.

“There. Now you’re still walking him,” Steve smiles playfully. “I can just walk with you guys.”

Bucky wants to say no. But he doesn’t know how. Instead he just nods. “I guess.”

The smile on Steve’s face falters a little. “Um, okay, well let’s go then, these guys look excited.” He smiles down at the dogs, mirroring their excitement.

“I have to pick up Papaya,” Bucky says tonelessly as they leave Steve’s yard.

“Great!” Steve sounds really excited. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

Bucky nods as they walk along, Sox, Epsi and Trinity happily, Bucky not so much.

“So, um, what are your plans tonight?” Steve asks, breaking the silence. “Anything fun?”

“What?” Bucky doesn’t understand for a moment and glances at Steve.

“It’s Monday,” Steve points out. “You said you were busy so you couldn’t make dinner…” He trails off, a look on his face that says he’s maybe just gathered that Bucky just said that as an excuse.

“I’m…my parents have this thing,” Bucky lies badly.

“Oh,” Steve nods, but Bucky’s certain he heard the lie in his voice.

Bucky wishes he could care enough to feel bad, but right now he can’t. Right now he just wants to walk the dogs and then go home and curl up in bed and maybe stay there forever.

They stop at Papaya’s house, where Steve goes somewhat insane over the mini lion pretending to be a dog, and then continue walking to the park. It’s warm out and a gorgeous day, but all Bucky can think about is wanting to go home.

“So, um, how was your weekend?” Steve asks, after more silence.

“It was okay,” Bucky replies shortly. He actually spent most of it in bed, minus some dog walks with Epsi, where they went to a different park a little further away, just so he didn’t accidently run into Steve. So much for that plan.

Steve continues to attempt small talk as they walk, but eventually seems to give in and starts talking to the dogs instead. It’s awkward and Bucky knows it’s awkward, but it’s a particularly difficult day for words and he just feels so down, he can’t even attempt anything. Plus, he reminds himself, it’s better if Steve just gives up being his friend. His life will go back to normal and it’ll be better for him.

When they get back to Steve’s house, having spent more than enough awkward time in the park, Bucky can feel the tension between them even more and he’s glad it’s almost over.

He lets Sox off his leash and he goes bounding off into the yard and then Bucky hands the leash to Steve wordlessly.

“Thanks,” Steve says, looking at it and then at Bucky, looking like he’s searching for something.

Bucky averts his gaze. “See ya,” he says, turning to go with the other dogs.

“Bucky, wait,” Steve stops him, and he turns back even though he very much doesn’t want to. “Did you, um…I thought we had a good time on Thursday? Did you not?” he says, voice sad, eyes sad, every inch of him looking sad.

Bucky feels like shit. “Yeah, it was, um, good,” he mumbles, because he can’t lie and he doesn’t want to hurt Steve’s feelings, at least anymore than he already has. He looks at his shoes for a second. “I, uh, I gotta go,” he gestures with his thumb and then turns before Steve can stop him again, hurrying from the yard with his remaining dogs. He thinks he hears Steve calling his name as he goes.

When he finally gets home, he’s exhausted and feels guilty and terrible for hurting Steve’s feelings, because he knows he did. The look on Steve’s face was awful.

Bucky lies on the couch and lets himself cry.

****

“Hi, I’m Steve,” Steve says nervously. He doesn’t know if he should be here. Feels a little like he’s intruding, having listened to other people talk about their husbands or wives and sons and daughters. He and Bucky are so new, he doesn’t know if he fits in.

Sam recommended the group to him after he told him about Bucky. It’s a group for friends and family of veterans. Sam, while supportive of Steve dating a veteran, told him it can be hard, dealing with the issues many vets face, and thought it might be helpful for Steve, especially if they became a longer term thing. Steve wasn’t sure until now. Because the last week or so, Bucky’s been pushing him away and Steve just doesn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to unload all his problems on Sam—seeing as that’s his day job too, it doesn’t seem fair—so Steve finally decided to try the group.

So here he is, feeling awkward.

“Um, so I met this guy,” Steve starts, realising he’s supposed to be continuing, as the others look at him patiently. “He’s an army veteran, medically discharged after losing a limb.” He keeps it vague, not feeling like he should be sharing Bucky’s story with people, when it’s not his to tell. “We’ve gone on a couple of kinda casual dates and things seemed to be going well, but recently he’s pulled away and now he barely talks to me.”

He takes a look around the room to see they are all giving him their undivided attention, plus no one seems outwardly homophobic, and he feels a little bit better. “I’ve tried talking to him, but he won’t let me in,” he continues, letting out a sigh. “And I know how it sounds, like maybe he’s just not interested after all, and is just blowing me off, but I just…I don’t think it’s that.” He’d seen Bucky in the park a few days ago and he’d looked nothing like his usual self. Usually he’s happy and smiling at the dogs in his care, almost oblivious to everything else around him, but that day he wasn’t smiling at all. He looked like he was practically sleepwalking through the park, looking so down and depressed. Steve hadn’t approached him, not wanting to be a bother, and if he’s honest with himself, not knowing what to say.

“We have this chemistry between us,” Steve continues. It feels sort of stupid to say that, but Steve really feels that’s true. He’s never felt a connection with anyone like he does with Bucky and he’s sure it’s not one-sided. “I think he’s dealing with some stuff and I don’t want to push him and if all I can be is his friend then that’s fine…” Steve lies, because he knows that would break his heart, “…but he won’t even let me be that and I just…I don’t know what to do next.” It feels like a weight off his shoulders as he finishes.

“It can be hard,” a woman across the room says. “My husband is like that since he came back. Sometimes everything’s fine and we’re happy and then the next moment he’s withdrawn and doesn’t want to talk or do anything or see anyone. Maybe that’s the same with your guy?”

Steve nods along, feeling relieved that other people have experienced the same thing. “What do you do when he gets like that?” he asks carefully.

The woman lets out a little sad huff. “Usually I cry in the bathroom so he won’t hear me,” she confesses. “It always feels like a rejection, even though I know it isn’t. But then I try to calm down and tell myself it’s just how it is. Sometimes he needs space. Sometimes no matter how much you want to, they just don’t want to, or _can’t_ talk about what’s bothering them.”

Another older woman speaks up. “My son is the same,” she tells Steve, looking at him kindly. “You just have to let them know you’re there for them, whenever they need you. Your situation is a little different than family, but if you really feel that this man likes you, then you can’t let him push you away. My son used to do that. I think he felt that he didn’t deserve anyone caring about him. It broke my heart.” She pauses and looks down for a moment, lost in thought or memories. “We had to persevere and prove to him that all we wanted was to take care of him and make things better and that he wasn’t a burden.”

Steve nods along gratefully. He wonders if that’s how Bucky feels? Maybe Bucky’s been having a hard time and doesn’t want to unload that on him? “I just…we’ve only known each other for a short time. I don’t want to feel like I’m overstepping.” That’s his biggest fear. That he pushes Bucky too far away when it’s not his business to be getting involved in the first place. Or that he’s wrong and Bucky really just isn’t interested anymore and he’s just an idiot who’s not accepting being rejected.

“That’s a balance you have to strike. I think it’s something we all have experience of, right?” the meeting facilitator Caroline says, as others around the room nod. “We’ve all pushed too hard and felt like we’ve made it worse. But I think letting them feel all alone is even worse than that. You have to try not to force it, but make them realise, they’ve got someone who cares for them. Just knowing that you’re there, whenever they need you, even in the hard times.”

Steve nods along. It sounds so simple, but he’s been so worried about what to do. He didn’t feel like it was even his right to try and check on Bucky, but Caroline’s right. He cares about him. Probably a stupid amount for how long they’ve known each other. He doesn’t want to let him go. “Thank you. I…it sounds so simple when you guys say it,” he smiles gratefully and a little sheepishly.

Caroline nods. “Sounds simple, but can be anything but,” she says with a wry expression on her face. She seems to sense Steve’s finished what he wanted to say as she turns to the older lady again. “Winnie, how is your son doing? Last time you said he’d started his own business?”

Winnie smiles proudly. “He has. I was worried at first, but he’s been thriving. It’s just dog walking, but it gets him out the house and he’s been doing really well to schedule everything and I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of him.”

Steve frowns as he listens to Winnie. There’s no way…

“He had a wobble last week when he forgot something important, so I know he’s been having a hard week since, but it’s like we were saying…I have to keep that balance of not over-mothering him while still giving him that support. He’s been so independent since he moved out, so I think even with the wobbles, he’s doing so much better.”

“That sounds like great progress,” Caroline smiles at her as some of the others murmur supportive things too.

Steve’s busy staring at her. Now he’s really looking, he can see the resemblance. They have the same chin, same dark hair with a slight curl to it. Steve feels instantly guilty. It feels like he’s gone behind Bucky’s back, even though he didn’t mean to.

The meeting winds up with Steve partly listening and partly worrying. He says goodbye to people as they pass him and waits as Winnie pulls her jacket on and for most of the people to go.

“Um, Winnie?” he asks tentatively.

“Yes?” she looks up, smiling kindly at him as she picks up her purse.

Steve tries to think of the best way to phrase this. “I, um, I’m not sure how to say this, but is your surname Barnes?” Steve says with a small grimace.

Winnie narrows her eyes, looking somewhat suspicious. “Why do you ask?”

Steve rubs a hand across his face, feeling a bit like a stalker. “I…god, this is a total coincidence, I promise, but I think we were talking about the same man,” he confesses. “Bucky Barnes?”

Winnie looks very surprised for a moment, before a look of recognition comes over her face. “You’re the Steve he’s been talking about,” she realises out loud.

“Yes, ma’am, I think so.” Steve can’t help feeling pleased that Bucky’s told his family about him.

Winnie puts out her hand. “Well it’s wonderful to meet you,” she says, as Steve gently shakes her hand. “Even if the circumstances are a little unusual.” She looks around. “Would you like to grab a coffee, Steve? I think the next group will be coming in shortly.”

Steve nods, feeling relieved that she doesn’t seem mad. “That would be nice,” he agrees, even though he’s nervous.

They head out together, making the short trip down the road to the nearest café, not discussing Bucky on the way, but talking about how long Winnie’s been going to the group, which is apparently the last two years or so.

Steve orders coffee when they arrive, as Winnie gets them a table in the corner and when their drinks are ready, he heads over and sits down, feeling a little nervous and a lot guilty.

“So…” Winnie starts.

“So…” Steve repeats, a little hesitant and uncomfortable.

“I have to say, I didn’t realise you were dating. Bucky just said you were a friend, but I guess maybe he didn’t want to tell me just yet,” Winnie ponders. “He knows I’d get my hopes up,” she adds with a wry smile at Steve’s curious look.

“Oh,” Steve says, looking at his drink. “Well, it’s very new. And um, nothing’s happened between us,” he adds, embarrassed, glancing at Winnie. “Just so you know.”

“Well that’s a shame,” Winnie says, making Steve’s eyes bug out in surprise. She chuckles at him. “Oh, Steve, don’t look so shocked,” she teases him. “I would love nothing more than for Bucky to find a good man who cares for him.” She fixes him with a more serious look now. “And I can tell you’re a good man and you really care about him, otherwise you wouldn’t have been at my group.”

Steve blushes a little. “Thank you, ma’am.” He’s glad Winnie sees it that way, rather than him being overly invested. He runs his fingers along the edge of his cup. “I just…I really like him, and I like being with him and then lately he just seemed to shut down. I didn’t know what to do. And my friend, Sam, he works at the VA and has experience with this, and he thought maybe…”

“Was this right after your last date?” Winnie ventures when Steve trails off.

“Um, yes, I guess it was. A couple of days later, I guess,” Steve says as he thinks back.

“Did Bucky tell you about his accident?” Winnie asks softly.

Steve shifts in his chair, a little uncomfortable. “Not in detail. I know his arm got infected and that was why…” he trails off.

Winnie takes a sip of her coffee. “His arm wasn’t the only injury,” she says carefully, putting her cup down. “There was some brain damage.” She lifts a hand at Steve’s shocked look. “It wasn’t anything hugely significant, but it’s there. The doctors were almost useless to be honest,” she huffs. “They can’t tell us the why, what or how of it, but Bucky...since he’s been back, he sometimes forgets things. Not all the time, and not always the same things, but sometimes.” She lets out a small sigh. “He finds it very upsetting when it happens.”

Steve takes that information in. “That’s why he has alarms and schedules everything in his phone?” he realises. He’s always just thought Bucky was hyper-organised.

Winnie nods. “Yes. Most days, he does just fine. We wouldn’t have let him move out by himself if he didn’t. But last week, after your date…” She sighs again. “He forgot that he’d left his dog with us. He called me in a panic about it and I know it probably felt like setback for him. It’s been a long time since he’s had anything like that happen.”

Steve listens and tries to imagine how worried Bucky must have been. He loves that dog so much, he must have been as terrified as he was when Epsi ran off that day they met. “I…I wish I’d known that,” Steve says softly. He wishes he could have wrapped Bucky up in his arms and comforted him, or for Bucky just to know that he was there if he needed him. Instead, he’s been suffering alone.

Winnie huffs in sad amusement. “Oh, I don’t think that’s something he’d tell anyone. I think it makes him feel weak.”

“He’s not weak,” Steve jumps in without thinking.

Winnie doesn’t look insulted by his outburst. In fact, she looks sort of pleased. “ _We_ both know that, but Bucky doesn’t. You know, before his accident, he was very different. Confident, even cocky sometimes, always loud and the centre of attention. Afterwards…we don’t know if it’s just how his experience over there affected him or if it was part of the brain damage, but he’s very different now. The smallest things can send him spiralling and he can be very shy.”

Steve knows that. He sees it in every interaction they have, how cautious Bucky is, how sometimes he struggles to find words. “I sorta like that about him,” Steve confesses with a little smile, thinking about Bucky blushing at him. “He’s shy, but he’s so smart and sweet too, and thoughtful and so, so caring.”

Winnie smiles back at him, looking slightly in awe, her eyes getting glassy. “I’m glad someone else can see that in him,” she says, a little choked up.

Steve reaches for a napkin and passes it to her so Winnie can dab her eyes, feeling bad for upsetting her, even if it’s in a good way.

“He’s been doing so well, but he’s also alone and I just…since he came back, I’ve always hoped that someone would be able to get him to open up enough so they could see how wonderful he is,” Winnie sniffs.

“I was trying,” Steve replies with a sad smile. He knew they’d have to go slow and he was okay with that, especially because Bucky really was opening up with him and Steve felt like they really connected. He’s been miserable since Bucky started pulling away.

“And now he’s pushing you away,” Winnie states, apparently reading his thoughts. “Well, we can’t have that,” she says decisively. Then a stern look comes over her face. “It’s not going to be easy, so if you don’t think you can handle it—”

“I can handle it,” Steve cuts in, before smiling apologetically. “He’s worth it.” He didn’t even realise until right then just how much Bucky is worth it. How much he misses his company already. How much he longs to hold him again.

Winnie beams at him like he said the exact right thing. “Well then, it’s like we said in group. You need to be there enough so he knows you’re still there for him, but don’t push him at the same time. And now I know what’s going on, I can work on him from my end.”

Steve appreciates the idea of that, but a twinge of guilt runs through him. “I…I don’t want to feel like I’ve gone behind his back,” he says carefully.

Winnie nods along but looks determined. “I understand. We’ll tell him, of course we will. But first he has to let you be there for him.”

Steve nods back. Telling Bucky now that he talked to his mother, albeit accidently, will probably only push him completely away and Steve doesn’t want that. So while he doesn’t feel good about it, he thinks Winnie is right for now. Just for a little while.

“My son deserves the world, Steve. I really hope it works out,” she tells him, stirring her tea. “You really are a lovely young man.”

Steve blushes, trying not to let happy daydreams of him and Bucky together invade his thoughts too much, but he’s hopeful now. Hopeful that he can be there for Bucky, that he can show him that he doesn’t have to be alone. Hopeful that Bucky will change his mind. Hopeful that they can go back to what they were hopefully starting to become.

“Thank you,” he smiles at Winnie. “I really hope so too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I totally know the ending of this now and I loooove it 😍 But don't worry, we've got a loooong time til we get there.
> 
> How we feeling about Steve meeting Winnie? Anyway, next up...making amends. And then after that, my favourite chapter and maybe the one you've been waiting for 😃
> 
> Your comments are wonderful and I love every single one I get, thank you so much. As always, stay safe 💜


	8. Chapter 8

There’s a frantic ringing at Bucky’s doorbell. Bucky groans to himself as Epsi starts barking like crazy. What is it with dogs and doorbells? Bucky’s seriously considering removing his.

He trundles over to the front door, surprised to see Clint and Lucky on the other side. He feels a little self-conscious as he opens the door, because he hasn’t showered in a couple of days and has a face full of stubble.

“Hey, man,” Clint starts talking straight away. “I need a favour again. Or I mean, not a favour cause I’ll pay you and all, but do you do dog sitting as well as walking? I got called into work and Nat’s away at her friend’s bachelorette party and I really don’t want to leave Lucky alone.” Clint looks at him hopefully.

Bucky can’t help smiling at Lucky. Epsi’s trying to get out the door to say hi, Bucky having to push her back, using the door as a wedge between them. “No problem,” Bucky accepts at once. “And you don’t have to pay me.”

Clint looks so relieved but shakes his head. “No, that’s not right. I know this is your business now, so whatever standard rate is, okay?”

Bucky doesn’t as a rule do dog sitting, so he doesn’t have a standard rate. He’ll just do his dog walking rate he figures. “Okay, but I reserve the right to include my neighbour discount,” he says with an awkward smile, trying his best to be friendly despite how he’s feeling right now.

Clint grins back. “Thanks, man. You’re a lifesaver. Again!” He hands Bucky Lucky’s leash and bends down to kiss his dog and then he’s waving goodbye. “I’ll be back by five!” he yells over his shoulder.

Bucky huffs in amusement as they watch him run to his car. He likes Clint. He’s kind of disorganised and chaotic, but he loves Lucky like Bucky loves Epsi, and that makes him a good guy in Bucky’s book.

Bucky turns and tugs on Lucky to get him to come inside. He unclips his leash once the door’s closed as he and Epsi say hi.

He quickly makes a note on his phone to remind him of when Clint should be back and checks his schedule for the day. It’s Friday, and today that would mean five dogs as Steve’s at work. But he’s made a note that he doesn’t have to pick up Papaya today, because his owner has a day off, which works out for him. He just has to get Trinity and Sox.

Bucky feels terrible when he thinks about Steve, which seems to be all the time lately. Even when his mom called just to chat, somehow they ended up talking about Steve. Bucky didn’t tell her how awful he’d been to him though. His mom has just been so excited about him having a friend and she kept going on about Steve and it made the pit in his stomach worse. Steve’s also texted him a few times in the last week, just little things here and there. Bucky’s either replied shortly or not at all when they didn’t contain a question. But Steve’s continued to have him walk Sox, so he guesses Steve isn’t going to fire him. Yet.

The thing is, Bucky doesn’t really want to be fired. He likes Sox, and Epsi likes Sox, and Sox is well trained and easy to walk. But Steve keeps pushing to be his friend and Bucky can’t handle that anymore. He doesn’t deserve a friend like Steve. He wishes he did, but everything in his head is a mess.

Bucky feels the gloom that’s been hovering over him all week grow darker somehow as he keeps thinking about Steve. He misses him. It’s dumb. He saw him only eleven days ago. But it wasn’t the same. Because Bucky was an ass and basically ignored him and made everything awkward. But that’s who he is. He ruins things. His own sister can barely stand to be around him, why would a practical stranger want to?

Bucky feels like crap as he lets himself into Steve’s yard at lunchtime. He goes to get Sox’s leash once it appears that Sox and Lucky are cool with each other.

He finds himself staring with disbelief as he gets to the porch.

Steve’s left him another drawing, except this time it’s not just a little doodle. This is a full A4 sketch of Epsi, done in pencil, but hyper-realistic and gorgeous. It must have taken ages to do. It’s like every single detail of her is there, like a photograph. He doesn’t even know how Steve could have remembered so much detail about Epsi.

Bucky carefully picks it up, holding it by the edges, amazed by it. There’s a little note paper-clipped to the top.

_For the most beautiful. Missed you this week._

****

Bucky frames the picture. He puts it on his living room wall that day, finally having a use for one of the frames his parents got him when he moved in. He suddenly thinks he’d like to go shopping to get some other things to make the place a little more homely, but he’s got Lucky with him, so he’ll have to go another time. He always meant to decorate a bit more, but just getting used to the place and being alone was a big enough step that decorating kind of got lost by the wayside. His mom volunteered to help him decorate, of course, but Bucky wanted to choose things himself and do things himself. He wants his place to feel like his. He just never did it.

He decides that, for now, he could at least clean up. He’s left things to get a bit messy this week, not really having the energy to do things, but suddenly he feels like he can.

He leaves the dogs to play with a few toys scattered around and starts in the kitchen, doing some dishes, and then grabs his laundry to shove in the wash, before heading round the house, tidying up. It doesn’t take long for it to look better and for Bucky to feel better, even if everything is lacking in personality. Except for one living room wall now.

He feels weirdly energised having got some tasks done, so he decides he should continue with Epsi’s training. Lucky seems to decide to join in. He’s pretty well trained though, so he sits straight away, while Epsi looks confused. But after a while, Epsi starts getting a couple of commands and Bucky adds a reminder to his phone to do daily training, because he’s let that fall by the wayside too.

Bucky starts to feel almost a little proud of himself as the day wears on. He’s got a lot done. He even attempts to brush Epsi’s teeth, which she is so not a fan of, and he grooms her and Lucky, getting a mighty pile of fur out of them both. Then he decides to take a shower himself, scrubbing down his whole body, shaving his face, and throwing on clean, warm clothes when he gets out. He feels so much better as he eats an apple and looks at his clean house. This day’s ended up not awful and Bucky’s thankful for that.

Just after five, his doorbell rings again, and both dogs start howling.

Clint looks sheepish as Bucky opens the door and he hears them. “Sorry, forgot they like to do that,” he grimaces.

Bucky shrugs. “Don’t worry about it.” It’s not as annoying as it was earlier.

Clint holds up his hand, showing off what he’s holding. “I brought beer.”

“Oh.” Bucky wasn’t expecting that. The way Clint’s holding it tells him it’s not just a present for Bucky, it’s him inviting himself in. So Bucky steps back so Clint can come in, because it doesn’t seem there’s another option, but also he finds he wants to.

Clint immediately rubs Lucky’s face, cooing at him. “Was he a good boy?” he says in a baby voice. “I bet you were a good boy.”

Bucky chuckles. “The best,” he confirms. “Um, have a seat,” he gestures. He heads to the kitchen to grab a bottle opener and returns to find Clint sitting on his couch, with Lucky whining, wanting to climb up.

“Oh, he can sit on there, it’s fine,” Bucky tells him.

“Yeah?” Clint smiles and lets Lucky up.

“He had a nice nap there earlier, didn’t you, Lucky?” Bucky grins as he sits on his comfy chair.

Epsi decides to climb onto the couch too, on the other side of Clint and he beams at her. “Aww, pretty doggy.” He pets her gently, seemingly thrilled to be surrounded by dogs. “Man, you must love your job.”

Bucky can’t help smiling wider. “I do love it,” he admits. He really does. “What do you do?” he asks as he opens and passes Clint a beer.

Clint groans as he takes it. “Ugh, I work in computing. Sooo boring. Mostly I can work from home, but sometimes there’s a server emergency and I get called in. Thanks for saving me today.” He takes a swig of his drink, looking a little exhausted.

“Happy to help,” Bucky replies, taking a sip of his. “Thanks for the beer.”

Clint nods. “Figured it was about time we got to know each other. And hey, sorry we never called about dog walking. Just, usually I’m home so I walk Lucky or Nat can do it if I’m not and—”

Bucky waves his hand. “You don’t have to apologise,” he huffs, touched that Clint would think that. “I’m glad Lucky can usually be walked by his favourite people.”

Clint grins back.

“Just know I’m here if you need it,” Bucky adds.

“Hopefully not as last minute as today,” Clint says with a little apologetic cringe. He takes another sip of his drink. “Sooo, Nat’s gone and I have to cook for myself…wanna get pizza?” he offers with a hopeful smile. “My treat?”

Bucky chuckles at his definition of cooking. “Yeah, let’s do it,” he finds himself saying without thinking. He can’t help smiling as Clint pumps his fist in the air in celebration.

They spend the evening drinking and eating pizza and talking a bit and watching TV. And Bucky’s having fun, but it also makes him feel like shit as the night goes on. Because this was all Steve wanted to do and Bucky pushed him away. He can’t believe how cold he was with him. But somehow the idea of Steve seeing what a mess he is feels worse than Clint knowing. Not that Clint seems to think there’s anything wrong with him, from what Bucky can tell and Bucky starts to think that maybe it’s true. Maybe he’s not as bad as he thinks he is? Maybe he’s been an idiot? Maybe he let his anxiety take over and messed up the only friendship he’s had in the last few years.

He feels a little sick as he sits there in realisation.

He has to fix this.

****

Bucky’s not sure how to say sorry. He’s never had to before, not to a friend, not really. And definitely not to a new friend who has every right to forget about him.

Luckily, his mom seems to know exactly what to do.

“You really think a pie is a good peace offering?” Bucky says doubtfully, even though it smells delicious, baking in his parents’ oven.

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” his mom replies resolutely. “You should know that. Besides, it sounds like it wasn’t a fight, just…” She seems to struggle for words.

“Just me being a jackass?” Bucky offers.

Winnie frowns at him. “No.” She gets down a box for Bucky to put the finished pie into and puts it on the counter before looking directly at him. “We all know sometimes you get into a dark place,” she says gently. “And that’s okay. Sometimes you need to work through things by yourself.” She looks sad about that and Bucky knows it’s because she wishes she could help but has learnt from past experience that there’s not all that much she can do when he gets like this. “So I’m sure Steve will understand that, if you tell him,” she continues.

Bucky feels a little doubtful, but maybe she’s right. Steve hasn’t texted in a couple of days, but when Bucky picked Sox up on Sunday, there’d been another doodle note with Steve and Sox drawn there, wishing him a good weekend, along with a box of dog cookies for Epsi and regular cookies for Bucky. Bucky’s pretty sure they were both handmade too. He refuses to admit to himself that he got teary when he saw them left there for him.

“I guess,” he tells his mom. “I just…I don’t know how to talk about that stuff,” he admits. Normal conversation can be bad enough for him. Talking about feelings…that makes him want to run away and hide.

His mom looks at him fondly. “It’s okay to let people in,” she says gently. “Even if it’s hard at first. And it sounds like Steve really cares about you.” She gives him a very mom look. “Do you think you could try? For me?”

Bucky might pout a little, but he can’t really refuse his mom when she gives him that look. “I’ll try,” he promises. “I just never know where to start,” he admits, letting out a deep breath.

“Well, start with the pie. Go from there.” The oven timer beeps and Winnie goes over to pull the cherry pie out.

“Thanks,” Bucky tells her. “For helping and for…you know.” He really doesn’t know what he’d do without her.

She puts the pie down on the counter and opens her arms, oven gloves still on.

Bucky folds himself into them with a sigh.

“You deserve everything good, sweetheart. Everything,” she murmurs as she hugs him. “Don’t ever forget that.”

Bucky nods. He doesn’t agree, will never be able to agree with that, but it’s nice to hear that she thinks that all the same.

Now he just has to apologise to Steve and hope that Steve still thinks he’s worth it.

Hopefully the pie will do the trick.

****

Bucky’s a coward. He knows he is, but he’s spent all night trying to come up with words and he can’t, so instead he’s doing this.

_This_ being leaving the pie box on Steve’s back porch when he picks up Sox that Monday, along with a note he scrawled. It’s got his own drawing of himself and Steve and their dogs, in terrible stick figure form, and the Bucky stick figure has a speech bubble that says ‘sorry’. Epsi has ‘woof’.

Below that, he wrote a little more.

_I’ve been having a bad couple of weeks. Sorry I was an ass to you. Missed you too._

He’d done other versions, written out long almost letters, but really this summed it up. He’d gone back and forth about the last sentence, but finally put that there too. Cause it’s true. He misses Steve’s company and his smile and how he makes Bucky feel comfortable somehow, easily. He can only hope Steve forgives him.

He makes sure the note’s properly taped to the top of the pie box and then leaves it there, taking Sox for his walk.

Then he waits.

He waits the whole evening, but he doesn’t know when Steve would have got home that evening and he doesn’t have the balls to text him first, especially if he accidently texts while Steve’s still at work. He doesn’t want to interrupt him at his job.

He goes to bed feeling sad. He’d hoped he’d hear from Steve. Maybe he will tomorrow, he thinks as he falls asleep, trying to stay positive. He really hopes he will.

****

His hope was apparently stupid. There’s nothing that morning either. He feels a sad ache in his chest. Maybe his mom was wrong and pie can’t fix everything. Maybe Steve decided their friendship wasn’t worth the drama. Maybe—

Epsi barks at him, interrupting his sad thought spiral.

“What?” Bucky startles from where he’d been staring at his bowl of now soggy cereal. “I fed you.” He knows he did. Even so, he checks his phone and finds the little checkmark next to _Breakfast - feed Epsi_. He frowns at her. “Don’t try to trick me like that. Sit down.”

Epsi gives him big sad eyes but then sits.

Bucky’s eyes widen. “Did you just…?” His face breaks into a big smile. He hops off his chair and moves a few feet away.

Epsi runs over to him.

“Sit,” he commands her.

She looks at him and then she does.

Bucky bounces on his feet. “Yes! Good girl, good girl, Eps!” He hurries to the cupboard to grab her a dog treat and spends the rest of the morning practising their training and playing with her, feeling proud of how well she does.

It takes his mind off Steve. At least until it’s time to collect Sox for his walk.

He collects Papaya and Trinity first, changing his normal pick up order, just to avoid Steve’s place a little longer, because he can’t help but think there’ll be no note left for him, or maybe a crushed pie box and torn up note, because obviously Steve’s not forgiven him. God, maybe Sox won’t even be there and that’ll be how he discovers he’s fired.

He tries to push down the bad thoughts as he forces himself to head for Steve’s place, only to be surprised once again by the sight of Steve playing in the backyard with Sox.

“Um, hi,” Bucky says as he freezes just inside the gate. He wasn’t expecting to see him and he feels unprepared for it.

Sox bounds over to his doggy friends as Steve stands from where he was crouching, dropping a ball in his hand to the grass.

“Did I get the wrong day?” Bucky can’t help asking like last time, wishing he could check his phone, but his hands are full of dog leashes.

“No, I switched again.” Steve smiles softly at him as he walks over. “Thank you for the pie,” he says as he stops a couple of feet from Bucky, dogs impeding his progress.

“You liked it?” Bucky asks with a small tentative smile, feeling nervous as hell, but Steve’s smiling at him, so that must be a good sign, right?

“Delicious,” Steve confirms.

“My mom made it,” Bucky blurts, before realising how lame that sounds. “I mean, I helped…”

Steve smiles like he’s trying to hold in a laugh. “Well thank her too then.” He looks down for a moment, before looking back up at Bucky. “The note was really nice too.” His voice has taken on a more meaningful tone as he looks at Bucky.

Bucky swallows, looking down, fiddling with the leashes in his hands. He can’t find it in himself to discuss the words he wrote. “Well yeah, I’m a really good artist,” he jokes, trying to cover for how uncomfortable he feels.

Steve lets out a loud laugh that startles the dogs. “Yeah, you are,” he replies, eyes sparkling when Bucky looks up. “So I was thinking…can I walk with you guys?” he asks, only a tiny bit of apprehension in his eyes.

Bucky nods quickly, thrilled inside. “Yeah, that would be…I’d like that.”

Steve looks super happy as he runs over to grab a sweater from his porch, pulling it on over the blue t-shirt he’s wearing, for once not in skin-tight running clothes. “Can I walk Papaya?” he asks with big puppy eyes as he returns.

Bucky chuckles as they leave the yard, pure relief running over him. “You sure do love that little lion, don’t you,” he grins, as he carefully passes his leash over. He appreciates how Steve wraps the leash round his wrist, making sure it’s very secure. He knows how important it is to Bucky that he keeps the dogs safe.

Bucky sort of expects Steve to ask how he is or why he was having a crappy couple of weeks, but he doesn’t. Instead they talk about the dogs for a bit as they walk to the park and Bucky’s relieved to find it’s just like before. It’s easy and nice and Steve smiles at him just like he always does and it makes Bucky feel warm. He’s so grateful that Steve’s being so cool. It’s more than he could have wished for.

“Hey,” Steve nudges his arm as they stop just inside the park gate, so Steve can close it behind them.

Bucky looks over at him, stomach twisting, realising maybe Steve _is_ going to talk about it after all.

Steve looks a little hesitant but then carries on talking. “Um, just so you know, if you have another bad week, I’ll be here, you know…if you want to talk,” he shrugs, the offer up in the air. “Or anything,” he adds, looking slightly flustered. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Bucky feels his eyes soften as he looks over at Steve and his stomach unclenches. He sounds so genuine, it makes Bucky feel even worse for how he treated him, but it also feels good to know that. “Thanks,” he tells him, pouring as much emotion into that word as he can, because it’s all he’s got at the moment. “I really am sorry,” he adds softly.

Steve surprises him by wrapping his arm across his shoulder for a second and giving Bucky a squeeze, like a sideways hug, before releasing him. “Nothin’ to be sorry for,” he murmurs. Then he gives Bucky a mischievous look. “Let’s get them all whipped cream,” he tells Bucky with a grin, already starting to run that way with Papaya.

Bucky lets out an amused huff as he gazes after Steve for a moment, face softening as he thinks about what Steve said, wondering how someone he met so recently can be so kind. He chases after him, dogs barking in excitement with him, feeling lighter than he has in ages.

He knows he doesn’t deserve someone like Steve. But he’s sure glad he’s got him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww they made up 😍 Hope you liked this chapter.
> 
> Thank you so much to all those commenting and kudosing and reading, I really appreciate it and hope you are all well and staying safe 💜 
> 
> OMG next up...it's the one we've been waiting for 🙌


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting earlier than I thought cause Easter hols 😁
> 
> It's what we've been waiting for! 😍

Bucky checks himself over in the mirror once more. He’s got on tight black jeans and his only dressy shirt—a black button-down dotted with soft white—and he’s tied his hair back in an artfully messy bun. He hopes he looks okay. It’s been a while since he’s put so much effort into how he looks.

Steve had asked him if he wanted to grab dinner for that Friday, after they’d returned the dogs home, and had sat on Steve’s porch eating the remains of Bucky’s mom’s pie. Bucky had said yes instantly, thrilled to find that Steve still wanted to do things with him.

After Steve had texted him with the restaurant he wanted to go to, Bucky looked it up and it seemed pretty fancy, which made Bucky kind of nervous, but he figured if that was the place Steve liked, then he wouldn’t mind going there. He has extra cash now from his job, so he can treat himself occasionally anyway. But now he has to make sure he doesn’t look like too much of a slob.

“What do you think, Eps?” he asks.

Epsi just flops her head down on the bed where she’s lying looking bored.

“Thanks, you’re a real help,” Bucky tells her with an eye roll.

He sighs as he heads down the stairs, Epsi getting up and following with excitement as always.

“Do you think this looks okay?” he asks.

His dad is on his couch, watching the news on TV. He’s come over to pick up Epsi so he can look after her while Bucky’s out.

His dad looks him over. “Haven’t seen you that fancy in a while,” he comments.

Bucky shrugs, a little self-conscious. “Well it’s a fancy place. I don’t want to get there and have them not let me in,” he explains as he tugs on his black boots. He would hate to embarrass Steve like that. And himself.

“I’ve never understood that. What do they care what you look like, so long as you got the money to pay,” his dad muses.

Bucky shrugs. He checks his phone for the checklist he put together earlier. “Okay, so you’ve got her food and her bowl and her favourite toys and—”

“I’ve got it, Bucky, don’t worry.” George flicks off the TV as he stands up. He pets Epsi as she runs over to him. “Me and Epsi are best friends.”

Bucky can’t help smiling at them together. It’s cute, how taken his dad is with Epsi. His mom too, really. Actually, anyone who meets her, to be honest.

“And remember, if it’s late, just leave her with us and you can get her in the morning. It’s no trouble.”

Bucky bites his lip and nods. He knows that makes sense, instead of waking his parents up, but he doesn’t like the idea of a night without her. He tries not to worry. He doubts he and Steve will be out too late. And this time he’s made a note on his phone so he won’t forget where she is. He tries very hard not to let his thoughts linger on that. He’s thinking positively from now on.

“Okay, well Steve should be here in a few minutes,” Bucky says, checking his phone.

“And you’re sure I don’t get to meet him?” George complains.

“No,” Bucky says firmly, handing his dad the bag of Epsi’s things. “You’ll probably inadvertently tell him embarrassing stuff about me.”

George fake gasps, putting his hand over his heart. “Me? Never? That’s all your mother.”

Bucky smirks. That’s probably true, but still.

“Anyway, have a good time, okay?” his dad tells him, giving him a hug, then clipping on Epsi’s leash as Bucky hands him it. “You deserve a nice night out.”

“I will,” Bucky tells him as he escorts them to the door. He crouches down to give Epsi a hug, petting her head, trying to ignore the dumb feeling that he’ll miss her. It’s only a few hours. “Be good for grandpa.”

“Hey!” his dad protests. “I am _not_ a grandpa.”

“Yeah you are,” Bucky grins back as he stands up.

His dad huffs as he leaves with Epsi, mumbling something about not being that old yet.

Bucky watches them go and then just as he’s about to go back inside, he sees Steve driving up, so he waits.

Steve’s eyes light up as he sees Bucky there as he gets out the car and he jogs over. “Am I late?” he calls out.

Bucky shakes his head. “Just said bye to my dad. He’s looking after Epsi for me.”

Steve arrives on the doorstep. He’s in a white button-down with faint blue checks and navy pants. He looks classic and handsome and for a moment Bucky imagines wrapping his hand round Steve’s bicep and walking arm in arm together to the car. Bucky feels his face turning a little pink. It’s great to know his dumb fantasies haven’t gone away.

“Wow, you look so great. All dressed up,” Steve comments with a genuine smile, looking Bucky over.

Bucky feels himself turning probably from slightly pink to fully red-faced. “Yeah, well, this place is fancy looking.”

Steve moves forward a little and Bucky turns and reaches inside to the coat hooks right by his door to grab his leather jacket. It’s not cold, but it might be later on and it’s the nicest jacket he has.

He shrugs it on as he switches off the light and then shuts and locks the door behind him, to find Steve watching him. “Ready to go?”

Steve looks like he isn’t quite listening, but then nods. “Yeah, let’s go,” he smiles.

They chat about Steve’s work over the past couple of days while they drive. Bucky finds himself endlessly fascinated with the kinds of things Steve gets called to, though he suspects Steve only tells him about the good outcomes.

When they get to the restaurant, Bucky’s glad he tried to dress up. The place looks really fancy, with cloth napkins and mood lighting and little candles on the tables. The host leads them to their table—a small booth that’s relatively private—straight away. He doesn’t even look Bucky up and down first. Bucky takes that as a win.

He leaves them with the menus as Bucky gets himself situated opposite Steve, taking off his jacket and putting it next to him on the leather bench.

“Do you want me to ask them to hang that up?” Steve asks.

“Nah, it’s fine,” Bucky waves him off, picking up his menu.

They sit in comfortable silence for a few moments as they both look over the menu, and then a waiter comes to take their drink orders.

Bucky’s glad to find they have beer he likes, so he goes for that, because he’s never been one for wine, while Steve gets a mocktail. Bucky raises his eyebrow slightly at that as the waiter leaves.

“They’re delicious and I’m driving!” Steve defends himself at the look.

Bucky can’t help the amused smile on his face at that. He looks back down at the menu, still smiling.

“I’m really glad you wanted to come,” Steve says after a few moments, smiling softly at Bucky over his menu when Bucky glances over.

Bucky feels like a dick, because he knows it’s his fault that this almost didn’t happen again. “Me too,” Bucky tells him. “Seriously,” he adds, because he wants Steve to know he means it. “Thank you for asking.”

Steve gives him a fond smile in return. “Anytime.”

Bucky turns his attention back to the food menu. “I don’t know what to have,” he confesses out loud. Everything looks good, but it’s kind of fancier than he’s used to and to be honest, he’s not entirely sure what some of the stuff is.

Steve looks over at him. “Do you…I mean, if you want, we could get the sharing menu?” he offers. “It looks pretty good?”

“Um, yeah,” Bucky decides, thinking that would make it a lot easier for him. “That would be great. Just as long as there’s nothing like snails on it,” he warns.

Steve’s eyes sparkle back at him. “It’s not a French restaurant,” he teases.

“It’s fancy,” Bucky fires back with a small fake glower.

Steve grins back. “Okay, no snails. How about frog’s legs?”

Bucky kicks him lightly under the table. “Don’t be such a punk,” he says, but he can’t keep the smile off his face.

Steve kicks him back gently, about to say something, but then the waiter interrupts.

“Are you ready to order, sirs?”

Steve nods, looking back at his menu. “Yes, thank you. My date and I are going to have the sharing menu…”

Bucky doesn’t really hear anything after that. His ears are too stuck on the words ‘my date’. For a moment, he assumes Steve’s kidding, but then he realises Steve’s not got a teasing look on his face as he speaks to the waiter. He’s completely sincere.

“That okay?” he hears Steve check with him and Bucky just about manages a nod.

The waiter departs with their menus while Bucky’s still sitting there shocked, noises of the restaurant sort of fading into nothing.

“That was okay, right?” Steve checks again. “Buck? You okay?”

Bucky realises he’s still just sitting there, probably with eyes as big as saucers. “I…” he tries to speak. What the hell just happened? Steve must have been kidding, Bucky must just be reading this wrong. “Steve,” he chokes out, managing to look at Steve’s face, which looks worried. He’s obviously reading this wrong and they’ll just sort this out and laugh about it. “I…do you think this is a date?” Bucky finally gets the incredulous words out.

Steve looks confused now. “I…yes, what else would it be?”

“Like a romantic kind of date?” Bucky has to confirm to be sure, even as his heart starts beating crazily and he starts feeling a little sick.

Steve looks even more puzzled. “Um, yeah?” He looks around. “Is it too much? It’s too much isn’t it, I’m such an idiot, I just thought this place was nice and…” Steve starts babbling.

Bucky tunes out a little, still trying to piece this together in his head. Steve had asked him to dinner. He hadn’t used the word date, Bucky’s sure of that. Bucky would remember that, because he would have freaked out like he’s doing right now. Bucky would remember that, because it would have meant they’d entered some sort of parallel dimension.

“Bucky?” Steve says his name, bringing him back from his thoughts. “What is it? Did I do something wrong?”

Bucky shakes his head slowly, still trying to process. “No, I just…I-I thought this was just like the other times, like just a friend hangout. I didn’t know…”

“What friend hangouts?” Steve frowns a little, sounding truly confused.

“You know, like Chinese food, and the movie and stuff?”

Steve looks like he might want the ground to swallow him up. “Bucky, I, uh…I thought those were dates too.”

“You did?” Bucky squeaks incredulously.

“Well, yeah, I mean…” Steve pauses. “Wait. You didn’t?” He looks a little heartbroken now.

Bucky can’t process this. “I-I need to go to the bathroom,” he sputters, and then he’s up and practically running to the back of the restaurant.

He finds the bathroom, but then notices the partly open fire exit and heads out there instead, into the small alleyway on the side of the building where they keep the bins.

He paces back and forth, breathing in the night air, almost shaking. This isn’t happening. He couldn’t have actually forgotten Steve asking him on a date or apparently _dates_ , could he? No. There’s no way. He would remember that. He would have called his mom for advice if that had happened. There would be a note in his phone wondering if the world was ending. He’s sure he can’t have forgotten this. He tries desperately to think back and different things flood his brain.

_Steve sliding his jacket off for him._

_Steve sniffing him and telling him he smelled great._

_Steve asking about his past relationships._

_Steve calling him cute._

_Steve wiping sauce off his face with his fingers._

_Steve’s hands gently touching his legs._

_Steve pushing his hair back from his face._

_Steve hugging him so tight._

_Steve telling him he looked great._

_Steve walking him to his door and standing so close._

_Steve always giving him_ that _smile…_

Oh fucking god, he’s a moron.

Bucky’s heart is beating out of his chest as he realises…this whole time, he’s been dating Steve without even knowing it.

He feels completely overwhelmed. There’s part of him screaming at him to be happy, because oh my god, Steve is wonderful and he actually likes him that way, the way Bucky thought was impossible for anyone to like him again, let alone Steve, but the other part of him is panicking, because he doesn’t know how to do this.

Except he has been doing this, hasn’t he? Steve thinks he has at least. Steve thinks this is their third date or something. Steve, who’s been so patient and kind to him and didn’t forget about him when Bucky was having one of his episodes, but instead proved that he wanted Bucky in his life, even when Bucky was being an asshole to him. Instead tried to show Bucky that he was there for him and that he cared.

Steve likes him.

He _like_ likes him.

“Bucky?”

Bucky turns to see Steve peering out the fire escape, his face relieved if still hurt looking, as his eyes find Bucky there.

“Are you okay?” Steve asks softly, stepping outside, but not too close to Bucky. “Do you want me to take you home?” he offers sadly. “Or call a cab or something?”

“I…” God, Bucky feels awful. Especially at the idea that Steve would think he wouldn’t even want to be in a car with him. “No, I’ll…I’ll be in in a minute, promise.”

Steve looks hesitant but nods. “Okay,” he says quietly.

Bucky takes a second after Steve goes to pull himself together. Then he goes back inside to actually use the bathroom, where he then presses his cold hands to his face, trying to calm down. He looks at himself in the mirror.

He can do this. He doesn’t want to be scared anymore. He’s sick of feeling like he’s not worth anything. Steve clearly thinks he’s worth something at least. Worth getting to know. Worth fancy restaurants and movie nights and being walked to his door. Just like his mom has tried to tell him time and time again.

He swallows as he pulls himself together, smoothing down his hair where the breeze outside messed it up, and then he takes a deep breath, gripping the edge of the sink.

He’s going to go out there and then he’s going to be on a date with Steve. A real date. A romantic one. Because Steve wants this to be a date. And now Bucky does too.

He takes another breath as he forces himself to leave the bathroom, reminding himself once more than he can do this, heading back to their table.

Steve is hunched over, taking a big sip of his mocktail, looking more forlorn and lost than Bucky’s ever seen from anyone. Bucky wishes he hadn’t made him look like that. It causes a sharp ache in his chest.

He reaches the table, full of nerves, and decides to do the dorkiest thing he can possibly do.

“Hi,” he says, pulling a smile onto his face as he looks down at Steve. “Sorry I’m late.” He slides into the booth and then fake looks around the room. “Wow, this place is really nice.”

Steve’s watching him, looking desperately confused. “Buck—” he tries to start, but Bucky keeps going.

“I’m really glad you thought of this place for our date,” he says, emphasising the word ‘date’ and then smiling tentatively, hoping for Steve to catch on.

A tiny bit of what looks like hope appears in Steve’s eyes.

“Oh, you ordered my favourite,” Bucky pretends to be surprised by the beer in front of him. “Thank you.”

“I…you’re welcome?” Steve replies, tone still a little unsure.

Bucky drops the light tone as he looks back at Steve and gathers all his courage. “You look really handsome tonight,” he tells him honestly, staring into his eyes, pushing down the nerves trying to take over.

A little half smile appears on Steve’s face. “I…so do you, Buck,” he says softly, gazing at Bucky. “You always do.”

“Um, thanks.” Bucky blushes, because he knows that’s real and not part of the little game they’re playing. He bites his lip for a moment and looks down at his beer. “I’m, uh, real sorry it took me so long to get here,” he says solemnly, looking back up, meeting Steve’s eyes again.

Steve has the softest look on his face now, now that he gets it, now that he seems to understand what Bucky means. “I’d have waited however long I needed to,” he replies, making Bucky turn into a pile of goo. Then he reaches his hand out across the table to gently rest over Bucky’s right hand.

Bucky’s somewhat terrified, but he turns his hand so he can hold Steve’s. It’s warm and slightly clammy, but Bucky doesn’t care. It’s magic.

They smile at each other and then the moment—and the handholding—breaks as the waiter appears with their appetiser.

Bucky looks at the plate, remembering that he has no idea what was on the sharing menu.

Steve must see the look and grins at him. “It’s not snails, I promise.”

Bucky huffs, looking down and then back at Steve, kicking him lightly again.

Steve doesn’t kick him back this time. This time, he just rests his foot against Bucky’s.

It stays like that for the rest of dinner.

Bucky feels a little bit floaty for most of it. It’s like his heart keeps trying to leap out his body, what with how jittery he feels, but he also feels excited. And incredulous. He still can’t quite believe that Steve likes him this way.

The food is delicious, and Steve, being the saint that he is, lets their dinner get back to normal, as much as it can. He doesn’t ask Bucky why he didn’t know they were dating. He doesn’t ask anything about that, he just asks Bucky more about himself and Bucky finds out more about Steve.

“Do you miss her?” Bucky asks, having just found out Steve’s mom still lives in New York.

“Yeah,” Steve nods. “She was pretty upset when I moved out here, but I already knew Sam here and I just wanted a fresh start, you know? I guess I’d grown a little tired of the busy city life too.”

Bucky nods. He does know. “Yeah, I…I felt like that when I came back, I mean, the fresh start part. I came back to my old life, but it didn’t really exist anymore. I needed to start again.” It had been so strange coming home, it sort of felt like he never really did for a long time. His friends had changed, things had moved on without him, and everything felt different.

“That must have been hard,” Steve murmurs.

Bucky shrugs and looks over at the window, feeling thoughtful. “I guess…I didn’t feel like that person anymore anyway, so I think it was harder on my family, really.”

“I bet they were just happy to have you home,” Steve comments.

Bucky doesn’t know about that. For a long time he felt like such a burden that it didn’t matter how many times his mom told him he wasn’t, he still couldn’t believe her. “I guess. I mean I know that’s true, but there’s just a lot of stuff that…” He breaks off, feeling sadness welling up in him as he thinks back.

Steve reaches out and brushes his fingertips over Bucky’s. “You can talk to me about it, if you want?” he offers gently.

Bucky gives him a sad little smile. “It’s not really good dinner conversation,” he huffs wryly. He didn’t mean to turn the conversation onto this.

“I don’t mind,” Steve smiles affectionately back at him. “I like listening to you,” he adds, looking the tiniest bit shy as he says that.

Bucky presses his lips together, trying not to show how warm that makes him feel. He figures if Steve wants to listen then maybe he can try to open up more. “I, um, guess it was my sister really,” he starts, fiddling with his napkin. “My mom and dad just wanted me healthy and safe, I know that they didn’t really care about how I’d changed, not really, but Becca…” He lets out a sigh. “She found it harder, me not being the brother I was when I left, I guess. We never really got back to how we were and then she moved away anyway…” He shrugs, trying to make it seem like it doesn’t bother him that much, even though sometimes it does.

“I’m sure she still loves you,” Steve replies, foot rubbing against Bucky’s in a comforting way.

“I guess,” Bucky shrugs. “I just wish we were still close sometimes.” As he says it, he realises though—he’s never really made any effort to contact her. His parents keep him updated with her life, but he never checks in himself and now he feels guilty for it. “Anyway,” he starts, putting a brighter look on his face. He looks over at Steve. He doesn’t want to go further down this somewhat depressing road, not when they’ve been having such a good time. “Did you want to get dessert?” he offers, hoping Steve doesn’t mind the change of subject.

Steve’s face softens, not pushing Bucky to talk any more about his sister, and then he grins. “Definitely. They have an amazing chocolate soufflé.”

Bucky shrugs easily. “I could go for that.” He takes the last sip of his drink, putting their somewhat heavier discussion out of his mind, and watches Steve’s face and how open and happy he seems. And thinks how maybe he’s the one who did that. Him. Bucky.

It feels pretty incredible if Bucky’s honest with himself. He knows he’s smiled so much tonight that his mom would probably cry if she’d been watching, and that’s all because of Steve. He’s really and truly wonderful. He watches him, feeling warm inside as Steve flags down a waiter to order their dessert, giving Bucky a sweet smile when he notices him watching. Steve kind of takes his breath away.

Bucky’s so glad he didn’t run away.

****

It’s fairly late when they finally leave the restaurant, after what must have been one of the best meals of Bucky’s life. And he’d been pretty pleased when Steve didn’t argue splitting the bill, even if it was a date.

“So, um,” Steve starts, when they get back to his car, “I guess I’ll drive you home.” He looks like that’s the last thing he wants to do.

“Yeah,” Bucky nods. “Or, um, we could hang out at your place for a bit?” He’s not sure where that boldness came from, only that he doesn’t want to say goodnight to Steve yet.

Steve’s face lights up. “Yeah, uh, that sounds good.”

The drive back to Steve’s doesn’t take long. Bucky spends most of it wondering what he was thinking. If this is a date, and indeed apparently their third date, does that mean Steve expects something? Bucky might faint. Then he figures that’s ridiculous, because they haven’t even kissed yet, and then he panics about that instead.

Before he knows it, they’ve arrived, and Steve is unlocking his front door.

“Can I get you a drink?” Steve offers as they make their way inside.

Bucky nods and thanks him gratefully.

Steve makes them both hot chocolates, Bucky playing with Sox as Steve does so, and then they head to sit on Steve’s couch, leaving Sox happily curled up in his bed.

Bucky sits there nervously, watching Steve. He thinks maybe this is it. Maybe Steve will kiss him. He’s not so nervous anymore. Steve’s eyes seem to be flitting to his lips while Bucky can’t help biting them.

He takes a tiny sip of his too hot hot chocolate and then sets it down on the coffee table. Steve follows the action and then Bucky swallows and decides this is the moment, he just has to be brave. He leans in slightly, but Steve starts talking.

“I…Buck, there’s something I want to tell you before anything…else,” he says quietly, like the words are difficult to say.

It sort of bursts the bubble Bucky was in. “Okay?” He hopes it’s not bad. Hopes he didn’t do something wrong.

“First, let me tell you it was a complete coincidence. No one planned this,” Steve starts, turning to face him fully.

Bucky frowns a little, a sort of sick feeling in his stomach now. What is Steve talking about?

“I, um, I went to a veteran’s friends and family support group,” Steve continues. “I just…you were pulling away and Sam thought maybe it would help to talk to people…” He trails off like it sounds now like it was an awful idea, and he takes a breath. “But it turned out to be the group your mom goes to.”

Bucky frowns even deeper. The group his mom what?

“So I realised we were talking about the same…well, you,” Steve cringes a little, “so I introduced myself—”

“My mom goes to a support group?” Bucky utters.

Steve’s face goes red. “Oh, I…fuck, you didn’t know that?” He looks like he just made the worst mistake in the world.

Bucky shakes his head slowly. He doesn’t really understand what he’s hearing. Steve, the guy he’s only just realised he’s been dating has already met his mother? “You guys…you talked about me?” he almost whispers.

Steve looks pained. “I…yes. But only because we both care about you and we just—”

Bucky’s already up off the couch, pacing, running through all the worst scenarios in his head. “What did she tell you?” he bursts out. “Did she…” He trails off, feeling lost and exposed.

Steve looks like he wants to jump out of the window. “We didn’t talk long, we just discussed your accident a little,” he confesses, standing as well.

Bucky knows what that means. He stops pacing. “She told you about my memory thing?” he asks, voice small, tears trying to come.

Steve nods, looking like he’s in physical pain, trying to reach out for Bucky. “I’m sorry, we weren’t trying to go behind your back—”

“But you did!” Bucky yells, surprising himself. He’s not used to his voice coming out of him so loud. “I…I need to go.” He’s already moving towards the door, feeling hurt and ashamed.

Steve follows him. “Buck, please, I…we both care about you and we were just…”

Bucky shakes his head as he opens the front door. “No. It’s not…this isn’t okay,” he tells Steve, with a glance at him. He can’t bring himself to look at him fully right now.

Then he heads down the steps, leaving Steve behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh dangit, so close 😂
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! This was where my original concept ended. Just Bucky finding out they're dating and then happily ever after la la la, but this has turned into something much longer hence the drama. But it was time for Bucky to realise. I couldn't have him be that clueless for much longer without him seeming literally stupid 😂
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed, hope you are all staying safe 💜


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😃

Bucky makes it to his parents’ house in under thirty minutes, anger making him walk faster. He knocks loudly and impatiently on the door until his dad opens it, looking surprised to see him.

“Bucky,” he grins, moving back to let him inside.

“Where’s mom?” Bucky huffs, and then his dad seems to notice how upset he is.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” George asks a little frantically as Winnie appears round the corner.

“Bucky?” she frowns a little, clearly taking in the sight of him in his somewhat fancy outfit, but him breathing heavily and trying not to cry.

He fixes his eyes on her, trying to be strong. “Y-you go to a support group?” he accuses her. “You talk about me?”

His dad sighs as his mom looks like she expected this, face falling, lined with guilt. “Come, let’s sit down and talk.”

Part of Bucky doesn’t want to, but he follows them into the lounge despite himself.

“Please sit down, Bucky,” his mom implores him as his parents settle on the couch, but Bucky stays hovering near the door. “You look exhausted.”

Epsi comes running in at that moment and Bucky doesn’t think he’s ever been more grateful to see anyone as she snuffles at his legs, clearly pleased he’s back. He leans down to hug her and then picks her up, settling in the comfy chair by the door with Epsi on his lap. She’s the best girl in the world, because she doesn’t jump off. She just stays there with him as he pets her, finding it comforting. She’s the one thing that never lets him down. He takes a few moments with her, trying to calm down, while his parents wait patiently.

“Why do you have to go to a group?” Bucky finally asks, staring at Epsi’s pretty fur instead of at them. “Is it that awful, having me back?” he almost whispers.

“Oh Bucky, no,” Winnie almost gasps, sounding shocked. “We love that you’re home. We never wanted anything else.” She pauses and sniffs. “Don’t ever think that you are anything other than the best thing in our lives. You and your sister.”

Bucky glances over at his mom to see his dad’s reaching for a tissue for her, because she’s started to cry.

She sniffs again and then speaks with tears in her eyes. “You have to understand, Bucky. Having you back was wonderful, but you know it was hard for all of us. Maybe you don’t remember, but you used to scream at me that you wanted to die.” Her breath hitches on the last word and she sniffs again as more tears come. “I just needed to talk to people who were going through the same thing. I needed that support so I could support you better.”

“I remember,” Bucky says softly. He does. He remembers the first few months. They were horrible for everyone, he knows that, but he was to in his own head to even really notice. He’d woken up feeling like he’d lost everything. He didn’t know how to keep going. “But I haven’t been like that in a long time,” he says, pushing those memories away, meeting his mom’s eyes now. “I’ve been doing good, with the house and my job and stuff, haven’t I? And Epsi?” A couple of unwanted tears slide down his face.

His mom looks heartbroken. “Yes, sweetheart, of course.”

“You’ve been doing amazingly,” his dad chips in. “We are so, so proud of you.”

“Really?” Bucky chokes out in a tiny voice.

“Really really,” his dad replies, and he looks completely honest when Bucky glances at him.

“Oh, Bucky,” Winnie sighs, wiping away stray tears. “You know why I still go to group?”

Bucky shakes his head even though it’s a rhetorical question.

“I go so I can help the other people there. So I can show them the light at the end of the tunnel. The light that’s you,” she says emphatically. “To show them to keep going through the hard times with their loved ones, because if they’re anything like you, they’re going to get out of the darkness.”

Bucky can’t help bursting into tears then. He startles Epsi, who jumps down, but then his mom is there, hugging him. “You really mean it?” he sniffles through the tears.

“Oh honey, of course I do,” she shushes him, stroking his hair.

They only pull apart when Bucky’s tears subside.

“I imagine this means Steve told you,” she says as she perches on the coffee table, stroking his hair back from his face.

Bucky nods, wiping at his face. “You told him,” he says accusingly, but not angrily anymore, shifting so he can look at her, but so she’s not touching him anymore.

“I did,” Winnie nods. “It was a coincidence, us meeting, and I just…he was scared you maybe didn’t want him around anymore. He’s such a sweet man, I couldn’t stand that he might give up on you.” She looks very remorseful. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told him anything, it was very wrong of me. But it wasn’t Steve’s fault. I don’t want you to be angry with him. I even told him not to tell you we met just yet. This is all on me, Bucky.”

Bucky sits there for a moment, processing it. Steve wants to be in his life, that’s why this all happened. “He-he likes me,” Bucky utters.

“Yes, he does. Very much so,” Winnie agrees.

“He went to a group just to try and understand me better?” Bucky says as a realisation, eyes widening.

“That he did,” Winnie smiles gently.

“I didn’t know we were dating until tonight,” Bucky confesses, still reeling from that too.

Both his parents chuckle. “Sounds about right,” his dad says fondly.

“And here I thought you were just keeping things from me,” his mom adds.

Bucky huffs in amusement too, because it is sort of funny if he thinks about it. He was so blind. “I just thought we were friends, but he thought we were dating. Apparently I’m oblivious.”

His dad chuckles again. “I’m making tea,” he says decisively, obviously calmer now Bucky’s not so angry anymore. “We all need tea.” He calls to Epsi so she follows him.

Bucky rolls his eyes as his dad leaves the room, giving Bucky’s arm a squeeze when he goes past him. His dad thinks most things can be solved by tea, ever since Becca brought him some proper English tea from London last time she visited and now his dad’s an addict. Bucky also knows the tea is an excuse to leave him and his mom alone for a minute.

“I really am sorry, Bucky. I hope you can forgive me,” his mom tells him, moving across to grab him some more tissues. “I was just so happy that you were letting someone in…that Steve could see all the wonderful things about you.” A warm smile appears on her face as she speaks, passing him tissues. “But I know it wasn’t my business to get involved and I never should have told him anything about you without your permission,” she acknowledges, regret all over her face.

Bucky wipes over his face with the tissues, trying to clean himself up a little. He still feels upset, but he’s not angry now. He gets why. And he knows she loves him and can’t help her busybody mom ways and at least it’s not like she sort Steve out purposefully. He believes it was a coincidence. “That’s all you talked about? Just the accident stuff?” he checks.

“And how you deserve someone who cares about you,” Winnie confirms.

Bucky blushes and rolls his eyes. “Mama…”

“Steve agreed. And I think he very much wants to be that person.”

Bucky can’t help smiling at the thought of that. “I…I need to go talk to him,” he realises. God, he got so mad at Steve and then basically stormed out his house. He feels like a jerk, even if he had good reason at the time.

His mom looks happy about that. “Why don’t you go wash your face, have some tea and then your dad’ll drive you over?”

Bucky nods. “Okay.” He does need to calm down a little first. He gets up from his chair to head to the bathroom. He pauses for a second. “H-he doesn’t think I’m a freak?” he can’t help asking in a small voice, because it’s just so hard to believe that this is all true.

Winnie looks deeply sad at him asking that. “No, Bucky, he doesn’t. I’m pretty certain he thinks you’re amazing. Just like we do.”

Bucky looks down and tries not to cry again. He’s overwhelmed and emotional, but the thing is, he’s pretty sure Steve does think that. When he thinks about it, he’s sure that Steve’s seen him all along.

****

“Thanks, dad,” Bucky says as they pull up at Steve’s place.

“Be nice to him, okay, Bucky?” George smiles at him. “He sounds like someone I’d like to meet.”

Bucky smiles and rolls his eyes a little as he gets out and gets Epsi out the back. “I will,” he promises as she jumps down.

He waves to his dad as he drives away and Bucky makes his way to Steve’s front porch, Epsi in tow. He hopes it’s not too late. He knows Steve isn’t working tomorrow, so hopefully he won’t mind that it’s almost eleven-thirty. He hopes he’s not sleeping yet either.

He knocks on the door, holding his breath.

Steve opens it a few moments later, looking startled. He also looks like a bit of a wreck to be honest, eyes red and hair all messy, and he’s changed into sweats. “Bucky?” he utters in what sounds like almost wonder.

“Hi,” Bucky replies softly, self-consciously. “Can Epsi come in?”

Steve looks down as if just noticing her there. “I…sure.” He looks a little confused, but moves back so Bucky and Epsi can come in, Epsi rubbing her face on Steve’s leg in hello.

Bucky makes sure the door’s closed behind him and then lets Epsi off her leash. She runs off happily, probably going to find Sox.

Steve watches Bucky like he doesn’t know what to say for a moment and then seems to be about to open his mouth, but Bucky speaks first.

“So, um…I never finished my drink?” Bucky says, nervously pushing his hair back. Once again, he doesn’t quite know what to say or how to start, so he’s easing into it instead.

Steve’s staring at his face, probably trying to figure out what’s going on. “I…yeah,” he says slowly. “I can make a new one. Or something else?” he offers, a little bit of hope in his voice now.

Bucky yanks off his boots and hangs up his jacket before he can allow himself to run scared again and starts heading towards the kitchen, Steve following just behind. “Is it really lame if I ask for a glass of warm milk?” Bucky requests, a little timidly.

“No, I, uh, might make one for myself too,” Steve says, moving past to the fridge.

Bucky smiles to himself as he sees Epsi’s found Sox and he bends down to rub Sox’s face between his hands. “Hey, gorgeous, how are ya doing?” Then he has to do the same to Epsi, because she looks left out.

He straightens up and turns to see Steve busying himself with the milk but watching Bucky curiously at the same time.

This is the part where he does the talking thing, Bucky realises. He gathers all his courage. “Steve, I’m sorry,” Bucky tells him as he faces him. “I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that.”

Steve’s face falls. “No, I…you were right to be mad, I never should have—”

Bucky holds a hand up to stop him. “Look if anyone’s in the wrong, it was probably my mom for telling you stuff about me, but I get why she did now. You were just trying to be a good friend, I get that now.”

Steve’s face softens. “I just wanted to help,” he says quietly, looking down. “And that’s all your mom wanted too and I swear she didn’t tell me much and we haven’t talked since.”

Bucky huffs in amusement at Steve so sweetly trying to defend his mom. “It’s okay. I talked to her. We…we’re okay.” He sighs a little. “I guess I just didn’t want to tell you that stuff cause I’m kind of a mess. I didn’t want you to see that.” He traces his fingers along the edge of the counter, feeling awkward.

Steve shakes his head, approaching Bucky round the centre island, milk forgotten on the stove. “You’re not though. You have a condition and you’re managing it. I see how well you plan everything, how you make sure you don’t forget anything. You’re not a mess. You’re amazing.”

Bucky lets out a disbelieving huff at Steve’s kind words. “I don’t know if I agree with that, but thanks.”

Steve shakes his head emphatically. “C’mon, Buck, you think I’d let you look after Sox if I thought you were ‘a mess’,” he says, using air quotes. “I knew straight away that I could trust you with him, cause of how well you take care of Epsi.”

Bucky smiles a little shyly at that. “I think you might be the best person I’ve ever met,” he confesses softly, the words just coming out of him.

Steve flushes and looks thrown by the compliment. It’s adorable. “Well, I don’t know if I agree with that, but—”

Bucky reaches out and gives him a little shove. “Shut up,” he chuckles, and then some weird bravery comes over him and he leans in and wraps his arms round Steve, hugging him close, chin on Steve’s broad shoulder. He’s so warm and big and he smells faintly of something citrusy and Bucky smiles to himself as Steve holds him back. It feels really nice. It feels…right.

When they pull back, Steve doesn’t let him get far. His hand cups Bucky’s face gently, tentatively, thumb sweeping over his cheekbone a little as Bucky stands there, heart pounding, letting his hands naturally fall to rest on Steve’s collarbone.

Steve’s eyes are dancing across his face, like he’s taking in every detail. “I sort of hoped this might be how our date ended,” he confesses softly, thumb still making Bucky’s skin tingle.

“You did?” Bucky manages softly, not sure if he’s really breathing anymore.

“Buck, do you think…” Steve starts, sounding a little nervous, “…would it be okay if I kissed you?”

Bucky’s not sure he can find words right then, and his breath hitches, but he nods, staring into Steve’s eyes, taking in the hint of green within the blue.

It’s strange, how you can forget. Bucky hasn’t been kissed in probably three years and somehow he forgot how it feels. When Steve’s soft lips meet his and he forgets to breathe and the rest of the world drifts away because this moment is just for them, he remembers. Except it’s never felt like this before. Steve kisses him so gently and sweetly, hand still holding his face, and Bucky’s never had that, never felt that soft gentle touch of a kiss that’s not a lead in to something else. It’s a kiss that says _I’ve been wanting to kiss you all this time_ , that says _I care about you and I hope you care about me too_.

It’s only brief. Steve pulls back as if to check if that was okay, while Bucky might have just reached a higher plane of existence.

He moves his hand to hold Steve’s wrist, not wanting Steve to move his hand from his face, and then realises.

“I think the milk’s burning,” he whispers.

Steve startles. “Oh fuck,” he utters as he lets go of Bucky, rushing to take the pan off the heat. He looks at the spoiled milk and turns to Bucky sheepishly. “Um, how badly did you want that drink?”

Bucky approaches him, full of weird confidence he didn’t know he was capable of. “Not that bad,” he tells him, and then he leans in and presses his lips to Steve’s again.

This kiss is still soft, but this time Bucky’s got his body pressed up against Steve’s and his hands slide onto his neck and into his hair as Steve’s go to the small of his back, keeping him close.

Steve’s tongue slides into his mouth, as Bucky pants out a breath. “Mmph…” Bucky moans against his lips at the unexpected feel of that. “God, Steve…” he breathes out as he breaks away for just a moment, before pressing two quick kisses against Steve’s lips, the third long and slow again.

Steve’s breathing heavily as his hands slide up Bucky’s back and Bucky tugs on his short hair a little. “Buck…god…couch?” Steve murmurs between devouring Bucky’s mouth.

Some part of Bucky must register that, because he starts walking backwards, taking Steve with him, still kissing him, heading for the living room as best he can remember.

They both let out little laughs against each other’s mouths as they back into the doorframe accidently and then Steve helps to guide Bucky, eventually getting them over to the couch.

Bucky sinks down onto it, holding the front of Steve’s shirt to pull him down with him, and Steve leans over him, a knee on the couch as he shifts Bucky, tugging his leg gently to get Bucky to pull his legs onto the couch, and then Steve’s lying over him and they’re both lengthways on it, and oh this is good.

Steve’s hands are holding himself up on either side of Bucky’s shoulders and Bucky tugs on his neck to pull him down so he can get at those perfect, perfect lips again.

It’s all soft and warm and wet, and more than anything, _safe_. Bucky feels surrounded by Steve and he knows he can trust him. He can be himself. He doesn’t have to pretend anything. And kissing him feels so damn good. And god, he knows he’ll let Steve do anything he wants with him.

But all Steve does is keeps kissing him. He doesn’t move from Bucky’s lips. He doesn’t try to kiss down his neck or rub up against him. In fact, it’s probably taking a lot of strength for them not to be touching like that, Steve holding his hips up.

“Steve…” Bucky moans and tries to get his mouth on Steve’s neck, but Steve takes that moment to move back, breathing hard, sitting back on his knees, carefully not crushing Bucky’s legs.

“Jesus, Buck,” Steve smiles ruefully.

“What?” Bucky frowns, pulling himself up to sitting, moving his feet carefully so he doesn’t accidently kick Steve in the balls. That would be sure to ruin the evening.

“Nothing bad,” Steve’s quick to reassure him. “Just we should probably stop.”

“Why?” Bucky says and he knows he’s slightly pouting and he can’t help it.

Steve grins and leans forward to suck his bottom lip in between his lips like he can’t help himself, pulling back before Bucky can pounce on him. “Because I don’t wanna rush this,” he says, smiling tenderly at Bucky. “I mean, I haven’t done this in a long time, and I know you haven’t either…”

Bucky sighs. “I guess you’re right.” As frustrated as he is on a physical level, he does appreciate Steve thinking with his head and not his dick. It’s nice that Steve wants to take it slow. To be honest, it’s probably what Bucky needs.

Steve looks at him so fondly, Bucky feels like his heart might explode. “You wanna watch something for a bit and I’ll drive you home after?” Steve offers.

“Are you sure? It’s pretty late,” Bucky realises as he sits up fully, Steve shifting to put his feet on the floor.

“I know. I just don’t want you to go yet,” Steve admits, giving him a sweet smile.

“Okay,” Bucky smiles back stupidly bashfully, just about dying at that.

Steve finds the remote and puts some TV comedy on—Bucky doesn’t really register what it is—and they sit close next to each other, legs touching.

Bucky takes a deep breath as he gets comfy. He didn’t know anything could feel this good. To know that Steve wants him, and not in just a physical way, but in a wants to spend time with him way…Bucky doesn’t know how he got this lucky. It feels pretty unbelievable still.

He decides to go with it. To just relax and let himself act the way he wants to act and not overthink it. After about a minute of watching the show, he sneaks a glance at Steve to catch him looking back at him. They both grin at each other at being caught out.

“I thought we were watching the TV,” Bucky muses.

Steve shrugs and turns his body a little so he’s facing Bucky, bringing his leg up under him. “I guess I just realised why waste time watching TV when I could watch you,” he says with a bashful grin.

Bucky rolls his eyes, even though he finds that sappiness completely charming. “Smooth,” he teases as he also turns so he’s sitting the same way Steve is.

“I thought so,” Steve grins back.

Bucky huffs and looks down at his thigh, picking some stray dog hair off his jeans. “I can’t believe I never realised,” he admits softly, still somewhat embarrassed.

“Realised what?” Steve asks, tone curious.

Bucky scratches his ear. “You know…this…” He gestures between them with his hand, feeling self-conscious again.

“Ah,” Steve sighs in recognition. “You mean that I was putting my smoothest moves on you?” he chuckles.

Bucky looks up at him and remembers his thoughts from the restaurant. “You didn’t…I didn’t forget anything, did I? You didn’t actually ask me on a date in those words, did you?” He hates asking it, but he has to know.

Steve reaches out and gently rests his hand on Bucky’s knee. “No, you didn’t forget,” Steve reassures him. He sighs and smiles ruefully. “I guess I thought I was being obvious in my intentions. It didn’t really occur to me that you didn’t think they were dates or that I hadn’t actually used the word _date_ ,” he admits, moving his hand back.

Bucky feels relieved that he didn’t forget, but also somehow more embarrassed, because it just makes him that much more oblivious. “I guess it never even crossed my mind that you’d be interested,” he realises out loud.

Steve’s eyes widen and then he looks a little sad. “You really don’t notice, do you?” he finally says softly.

“Notice what?” Bucky frowns curiously.

Steve breaks into a disbelieving smile. “How amazing you are. How many people look at you when you’re out,” he says with an eyebrow raise.

Bucky lets out a noise of disbelief and looks away. “I notice. They’re either looking at Epsi or they’re looking at my hand,” he huffs, subconsciously wiggling his metal fingers.

Steve reaches out and grips those fingers. “Buck,” he says, voice a little disapproving. “That might be true, but I can guarantee that most people are also looking at you and that damn face of yours.”

Bucky frowns again and Steve gives him a slightly exasperated look and keeps talking. “Because you’re stunning, you idiot,” he clarifies, shaking his head.

Bucky feels his face heat up and he bites his bottom lip, about to rebuke that, except first he has to recover from the way Steve’s compliment is melting him like butter.

Steve smiles fondly at him. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is of course I was interested. First, I can admit, on a purely shallow level,” he grins, “but then we talked and you just…you had me hooked,” he admits, looking a tiny bit shy saying that.

“I did?” Bucky ventures, feeling a little like he might be glowing.

“Mmhm,” Steve murmurs. “And just so you know, I don’t usually wipe sauce off my friends’ faces with my fingers,” he adds with a kind but teasing smile.

Bucky blushes and then smacks Steve on the arm. “I just thought you were a tactile kind of person!” he protests.

“Well, that _is_ true,” Steve hums, and then he leans in and Bucky sucks in a breath, because he thinks he’s going to get kissed again, but then he squeaks as Steve jabs his fingers into his sides, tickling him.

Bucky scrambles to get away, protesting and yelping and laughing as Steve laughs with him. Luckily Steve relents quickly and helps pull Bucky back up to sitting as they both laugh together.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it,” Steve grins as they both catch their breath.

Bucky gives his arm a little smack again. “Okay. So I’ve been majorly embarrassed, so you’ve gotta even it out. Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?”

Steve lets out an over the top groan and collapses back against the couch cushions, but then starts telling Bucky.

And once they start talking, they just don’t stop.

They end up staying up for hours, just talking and laughing together, getting progressively closer as the evening goes on until Bucky’s got his head resting on Steve’s shoulder as they chatter endlessly and Bucky feels like something’s loosened in his chest. Like a fist had been holding something tightly clenched inside him and now it’s gone and he can relax.

He can breathe.

****

When Bucky wakes up, he’s disorientated. He blinks slowly, opening his eyes to a dark room. He’s on a bed and Epsi’s lying next to him asleep. But it’s not his bed.

He thinks back and realises he must still be at Steve’s. He must have fallen asleep on him again. He looks around, wondering where Steve is and figures out he must be in his guest room. He smiles to himself at the thought of that. Steve must have carried him upstairs and tucked him in.

Bucky realises he’s still fully dressed, which he appreciates even though it’s not all that comfortable considering his jeans are pretty tight. He loves that Steve didn’t undress him without his consent though, not even just his socks or shirt or something. It proves once again what a good guy he is, how considerate and sweet.

Bucky gets up, careful not to wake Epsi. He also loves that Steve made sure Epsi was with him.

He carefully opens the door, tiptoeing down the corridor. He’s looking for the bathroom, but he finds Steve’s room first, door slightly ajar.

He peeks in to see Steve sprawled on his front, one leg dangling off the bed. The top of his bare shoulders are visible above the covers as is that leg, and even in the dark, he’s gorgeous. Bucky sort of wishes Steve would have brought him in there too and laid him down in his bed with him. But Steve’s too much of a gentleman for that, Bucky figures. Still, he imagines snuggling up next to him, Steve’s warmth next to him, and realises that maybe he’ll actually get to have that sometime. It’s a crazy, exciting, scary and perfect thought.

He smiles at where Sox is sleeping in his dog bed by the window, clearly not enough room on the bed if that’s how Steve always sleeps, and then leaves, finding the bathroom through the next door along, and then quietly heads back to bed, stripping off his jeans before climbing in again.

When he wakes again with a start, there are hands stroking over his hair and his face.

“…okay, Buck…you’re just having a nightmare, everything’s okay…” he hears someone saying as he wakes up fully, to find that the hands are Steve’s and he’s perching on the bed next to him, big worried eyes staring down at him.

“St-Steve?” Bucky utters, breath coming in short bursts.

“Yeah, it’s me, you’re okay,” Steve tells him, as Bucky sits up. Steve moves his hands down to Bucky’s shoulders, helping support him and giving Bucky a point of touch to focus on.

“What are—?”

“You were having a nightmare,” Steve explains. “I heard noises, so I came to check…” He trails off like he’s not sure if that was the right thing to do.

Bucky blinks and tries to calm down. He realises Epsi’s lying next to him, staring up at him with big eyes. He runs his fingers through her fur. “I-I’m sorry I woke you.” He can’t remember the nightmare. He just knows that he feels anxious and scared right now.

Steve makes a little ‘pssh’ noise. “I don’t care about that. I care that you’re okay. Do you remember what the nightmare was about?” His hands are gently stroking Bucky’s arms as he speaks.

Bucky shakes his head.

Steve gives him a sweet half smile. “You feel okay now? Do you want some water?”

Bucky nods. “Yes. Please.” He leans back against the headboard as Steve lets go of him.

“I’ll be right back,” he promises.

Bucky takes a few breaths, petting Epsi. It helps him calm down and seems to make her feel better too, because Bucky thinks she looked worried before.

Steve comes back into the room with a big glass of water for him. “Here, have a little.” He passes Bucky the glass and Bucky takes a few sips, before Steve takes it and puts it on the bedside table for him. “Is it okay that you’re here?” he checks.

Bucky frowns a little. “Huh?”

“I mean, I didn’t mean to assume, but I just…you fell asleep and Epsi was asleep and it was so late, I couldn’t stand to wake you up to send you off home…” Steve frowns, looking like he feels bad about making that decision.

Bucky shakes his head. “It’s fine. I was perfectly happy waking up here. Just…” He shrugs. “…get nightmares sometimes. Doesn’t matter where I am.”

Steve looks a little appeased. “Do you feel any better now?” he asks, still concerned.

“Yeah, I’m…will you stay with me?” Bucky blurts before he can help himself.

Steve looks surprised, but in a good way, Bucky thinks. “You want me to?”

Bucky feels shy again. “I-I mean, you don’t have to, I just thought...might help me sleep.” He meant it about the nightmares coming wherever, but he’s never slept as well in foreign places. He doesn’t know if having Steve there _will_ make a difference, but he finds he desperately wants him there.

“Of course I’ll stay.” Steve smiles softly and then moves to climb in next to Bucky, Bucky shimmying over so he has more room. Epsi looks a little disgruntled at the movement as she moves to drape over the end of the bed instead.

Steve lies down next to him on his side and Bucky shifts down to lie on the pillow again and then finds himself curling up towards Steve, face basically level with his pec, sort of tucked under his arm, their knees touching.

“Is this okay?” Bucky checks, timidly. He doesn’t want to overstep, but god does he want to be curled up like this with Steve.

“More than okay,” Steve murmurs back and then Bucky feels lips press gently against the top of his head. Steve’s arm moves to wrap over Bucky’s, hand resting lightly on his shoulder.

Bucky focuses on all the points of touch between them. They feel grounding, like Steve’s keeping him here and won’t let the nightmares float him away. He can feel Epsi’s warmth at the end of the bed and he feels safe and warm, like he’s in a little cozy cocoon.

“Thank you, Steve,” he mumbles into Steve’s firm muscle as sleep starts to overtake him again already.

There’s another kiss to his hair. “Try to sleep,” a soothing voice whispers, and Bucky does.

He wakes briefly once more in the night.

Sox has climbed onto the bed and is sleeping over Steve’s legs.

Bucky smiles and drifts off again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😍 AARRGHGHG FINALLY! And phew that was a lot for one chapter I think! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Would love to hear from you and once again a massive thank you for reading and commenting. If you don't like commenting but are enjoying and want to rec this anywhere that would be awesome. I really have no idea how to promote my fics very well 🧐
> 
> Our lockdown is extended, so this is keeping me busy which is great. I hope you all stay safe wherever you are 💜


	11. Chapter 11

When Bucky wakes up in the morning, he instantly feels embarrassed. In his sleepy state, it didn’t seem to matter so much, but now he remembers asking Steve to stay with him and he’s a little mortified by his neediness.

It quickly becomes apparent that Steve doesn’t mind one bit though.

As Bucky shifts a little, he realises Steve’s arm is still wrapped around him, and Steve’s waking up too as he tightens his hold a little and yawns.

“Mmmm,” he mumbles drowsily. “Mornin’”.

“H-hey,” Bucky manages as he tries to untangle himself.

The dogs start waking and Sox barks once, as if reminding Steve he’s there.

Steve shushes him and then leans in and kisses Bucky’s forehead.

Bucky feels himself freeze up a little and apparently Steve notices. “You okay?” he asks, rubbing Bucky’s arm with his hand.

Bucky shifts his way up, so he’s sitting up, Steve letting him go, and then he looks down at his hands, before looking over at Steve. God, he looks cute all sleep rumpled. “I, uh…I don’t really know how to do this,” he confesses, biting his lip.

Steve furrows his brow. “Do what?” His voice is all croaky and he has sleep at the corners of his eyes. He’s goddamn adorable.

Bucky gestures at the bed. “You know…waking up with someone. I haven’t done this.”

Steve smiles slightly as he gazes up at Bucky. “Well, I’ll lead you through it then. If you’re okay with that?” he adds.

Bucky feels a smile appear on his face because Steve’s just so sweet. “I guess…” he replies, only slightly concerned.

Steve just smiles languidly back. “Well, first I offer you the shower and if you want to borrow some clothes,” he explains. “Then I go and feed our dogs and make us a delicious breakfast, probably pancakes, even though I’d never normally make them, but I’m trying to impress you, so…” He shrugs and grins at Bucky. “And then I ask what you’re doing today and if you want to hang out if you’re not busy, because it’s my day off and I can’t think of anything better than spending it with you.”

Bucky feels himself blushing, a little overwhelmed, but in a good way, by everything Steve just said. Steve is the best human on the planet, Bucky’s pretty certain. “Um, I guess yes to the shower and maybe just a shirt to borrow?” he asks, just a little tentative now.

“Great!” Steve beams at him. He starts getting up, Sox happily jumping off the bed, Epsi following, apparently trusting that Sox knows where food is.

Bucky’s mouth goes dry as he realises Steve’s just in his boxers and nothing else. He doesn’t know how he didn’t notice that last night. The nightmare must have really messed him up not to notice all this. There’s a lot of pale, beautiful skin on display and all these defined muscles and a trail of dark blond hair from Steve’s belly button disappearing into his boxers and he’s even got little freckles on his shoulders and then Bucky realises if he can notice freckles then he’s probably looking too hard. He attempts to make it look like he was looking at the dogs, desperately hoping he’s not blushing.

“I’ll be right back.” Steve luckily apparently hasn’t noticed Bucky’s gawping and heads for the door and then turns abruptly and heads back over. “I forgot one very important thing,” he tells Bucky seriously.

“What’s that?” Bucky wonders, snapping his eyes upwards, trying to keep his voice steady and pretend he wasn’t just checking out Steve’s peach of an ass.

“A good morning kiss,” Steve says, a faint blush on his cheeks now. He puts a knee on the bed and leans in slowly, obviously giving Bucky an out if he wants one, but Bucky leans in instead without thinking, drawn to him like a magnet.

Steve smiles against his lips as he gives Bucky a soft and quick morning kiss, avoiding the problem of morning breath for both of them. “Be right back,” he says, gazing at Bucky a little dreamily when he pulls back.

Bucky sits there as he goes, feeling very out of sorts. This isn’t how he wakes up. He usually just wants to get through the day. He doesn’t get to have butterflies in his stomach, that nervous but excited energy running through him, like it is now.

Steve’s back in a few moments with towels and a long-sleeved shirt and a short-sleeved shirt, both in the grey family, for Bucky to choose from.

“Thanks,” Bucky smiles as he takes the offered items.

“Welcome,” Steve smiles back. “Bathroom’s just down the hall. I’ll be downstairs. It’s okay if I feed Epsi some of Sox’s food, right?” he checks.

Bucky nods. He wasn’t planning on staying here so he doesn’t have Epsi’s food with him.

“Okay,” Steve continues to smile, face apparently stuck that way, and then he’s off.

Bucky sits there for a moment before dragging himself out of bed and to the bathroom. He keeps picturing Steve’s smile. He can’t believe that smile is for him. That somewhat tentative but unable to keep the happiness out of it smile is for _him_.

Bucky keeps thinking about it as he showers quickly, using Steve’s lemony shower products. He doesn’t want to hog all Steve’s water.

As he gets out and dries off, he decides to go commando, cause no way is he asking Steve if he can borrow underwear. He pulls on his pants from last night and then the long-sleeved shirt of Steve’s. It’s soft and smells like Steve does—whatever his laundry detergent is, Bucky figures. It’s nice. Fresh and cottony and Bucky holds the sleeves under his nose for a moment.

He rubs toothpaste over his teeth with his finger, because Steve didn’t mention a toothbrush, and then borrows his mouthwash. It’s not perfect but it’ll do.

When he gets downstairs, Epsi runs up to say hi, and he finds Steve still in his boxers but with an open white bathrobe thrown over the top, still showing off far too much for this early in the morning. Bucky tries not to stare.

“Good shower?” Steve asks as he notices him, face breaking into another smile.

Bucky nods, a little shyly. “Thanks again for the shirt.” He looks over at the empty dog bowls. “Did Epsi eat?”

Steve nods and chuckles. “Scarfed down the lot. I let Sox out, but I didn’t know if you wanted me to let Epsi…” he explains, and Bucky notices Sox through the window, playing in the backyard. “She’s been a bit whiny,” Steve admits with a chuckle, as Epsi boofs her nose against Bucky’s leg.

Bucky can’t believe how thoughtful Steve is. Well, actually he can, because Steve seems to always be like this, but it’s still amazing. “Thanks for waiting for me,” he tells him softly. “I really appreciate it. She can go out though,” he smiles. He knows it’s safe out in the backyard now.

“Okay,” Steve agrees happily. He moves from the stove for a moment to open the back door, leaving it open half way. “There you go, Princess Epsilon, you can go play.”

Bucky huffs as Epsi shoves her way out the door. “Princess?” He fixes Steve with an unimpressed look.

“It’s okay, I tell her she’s smart too,” Steve grins.

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Can I help?” he offers, looking towards the stove.

Steve nods. “Mmm, come over here,” he gestures, so Bucky moves over to where Steve’s pouring pancake batter into a pan. “Okay, now turn that way,” he twirls his finger as he speaks.

Bucky furrows his brow a little but does as instructed.

“Perfect. Stay right there.”

Bucky does for a moment. “How is this helping?” he realises out loud, when Steve doesn’t ask him to do anything further.

Steve glances over with a grin. “Well see, now I can see your gorgeous face without having to strain my neck round. It really helps with my pancake making.”

Bucky flushes bright pink, he knows he does. “Steve!” he complains, giving Steve’s arm a shove.

Steve wobbles a little and looks highly pleased with himself as he looks at Bucky. “See now, goddamn is that a beautiful sight. The blushing is a nice touch too,” he teases, but it’s soft and genuinely caring.

Bucky has no idea what to do with himself. “I…you can’t just…I…Steve!” he sputters, hiding his face partly behind his hand, thankful for the way he can use his hair to hide too.

Steve gazes at him with a look of adoration and then looks a little more serious. “The compliments too much?” he checks carefully.

Bucky’s all kinds of flustered. “I just…I’m not used to them,” he admits quietly.

Steve frowns like the idea of that upsets him. “Well, we’ll have to do something about that then.”

For a moment, Bucky’s just gazing at this adorable man, who can’t possibly be real. Bucky must have made him up.

“Hey, grab us plates?” Steve pulls him from his stupor.

Bucky nods as Steve gestures to a cupboard.

They end up sitting at the kitchen island, eating pancakes next to each other. And okay, Bucky knows objectively they aren’t the best pancakes ever, but Steve made them, and he made them for Bucky, so they suddenly seem like the best meal he’s ever eaten.

“Thanks,” Bucky smiles softly as he eats another mouthful. “These are really good.”

Steve scrunches up his face and looks like he doesn’t believe him. “I know I’m not the best cook in the world, but it’s the thought that counts, right? And they’re passable, right?” he says, with a little hopeful grimace on his face.

“It really does count,” Bucky replies, probably a little too emphatically. He feels the mood shift from playful to something a little more intense. “Thank you,” he adds. He really hasn’t felt this special in a very long time, if ever.

“I like doing things for you,” Steve tells him, with a one shoulder shrug and boyish smile.

Bucky finishes his last bite and puts his fork down. He shifts on his stool so he’s facing Steve better. Steve glances over, looking curious, as Bucky reaches out, nervous as hell inside, but somewhat impressed by his own boldness, as he cups Steve’s face in his hands and leans in to press a soft kiss against his lips.

As he pulls back, he can’t resist giving him another one.

Steve looks a little stunned, which is very flattering, Bucky feels. Then he grins at Bucky. “You taste like syrup.”

Bucky gets all flustered again.

Steve gets a fond little smile on his face. “God, that’s fun,” he says softly.

“What?” Bucky frowns, shifting back in his seat a little.

“You go all red all the time,” Steve explains with a soft grin. “Like I said before, it’s kinda adorable.”

Bucky wants to be annoyed by that, but all Steve’s comment does is make him redder. “So what does hanging out today entail?” he asks abruptly.

“You want to?” Steve’s eyes get brighter and he sounds pleasantly surprised and Bucky realises he didn’t really answer that question before.

“I, um, I wouldn’t mind…” Bucky states, looking down at his hands, pulling the edges of Steve’s shirt to cover his hands more. He glances back up to see Steve gazing at him with that same slightly amused but fond look. “Oh stop looking at me like that,” he complains.

“Like what?” Steve grins back, sliding off his stool to stand in front of Bucky.

“Like…like I’m an adorable little kitten or something!” Bucky sputters.

Steve chuckles and tilts his head, studying Bucky. “I mean…that’s a pretty good analogy,” he says, as Bucky huffs indignantly. Steve’s hands come up slowly to rest on his face though and Bucky might stop breathing after that. “I mean it all in the very best way though, you know that right?” he checks.

Bucky bites his bottom lip. “I-I…” He can’t quite find the words.

“You’re the sweetest guy I’ve ever met,” Steve continues, thumbs gently sweeping over Bucky’s cheekbones. “And I like how you get a little shy.”

God, what is Steve doing to him. Bucky feels like he might slide off the chair into a puddle on the floor.

“I’m gonna grab a quick shower, okay?” Steve says, like he’s not aware of what he’s doing to Bucky. “Then we can decide what we want to do today?”

Bucky manages a nod to that and then Steve leans in to kiss him softly on the lips before he heads upstairs.

Bucky’s still sitting there, a little stunned, as he hears the door upstairs close.

He’s managed to mostly recover by the time Steve comes back down. Bucky’s made his way into the backyard, playing with their dogs, and he looks up at the feeling of eyes on him to see Steve there.

He’s dressed in faded blue jeans and a maroon sweater that must have shrunk a little in the wash, what with how it clings to his muscles. Bucky has a slight moment of awe and panic as he realises he’s sort of allowed to touch that. Like, if he wanted, he could go over and hug Steve and feel that strong body against his, run his hands down those thick arms and cling on as Steve pressed him against the wall…

Bucky swallows, suddenly very aware that he’s not wearing underwear and his dick has been taking interest in his slide into fantasy land in his stupidly tight jeans. He holds the dog rope toy he’d been playing with Epsi with in front of him as Steve heads over.

“So I was thinking in the shower…” Steve starts, and Bucky wonders if Steve was thinking about what he was just thinking about, “…maybe we could go on a hike? The dogs would love it and there’s a great trail with this amazing view at the end that we could go to?”

Bucky thinks about it for a moment. That sounds really nice. The weather seems warm, though not sunny today, and he knows Epsi would love somewhere different to explore. Bucky pretty much sticks to the same places all the time. “Yeah, we could do that,” Bucky agrees, a little smile on his face.

“Ooh!” Steve suddenly exclaims. “We could take a picnic!”

He looks so excited by the idea that Bucky can’t help laughing.

Steve grins back at him. “I mean, we’d have to stop by a store or something,” he continues. “I don’t really have anything picnic worthy in the house.”

“We could do that,” Bucky agrees. “I’ll need to go home to get my boots and stuff anyway, so we could go to the store on the way?”

Steve looks stupidly happy about a hike and a picnic. “I’m gonna go grab some stuff, do you want to get the dogs ready?” he offers, already moving.

Bucky agrees, finding their leashes and clipping them on, before heading inside and finding his shoes from last night along with his jacket. Steve comes back with a bag on his shoulder and they’re off.

They stop at the store and at Bucky’s, where Bucky puts on different pants—just some old faded jeans—with underwear this time, though he keeps Steve’s shirt on, and he grabs Epsi’s water bowl, and then they make the twenty-minute drive to the trail Steve wants to take.

Epsi seems super excited when they get there. She keeps sniffing everything and looking around as they get out the car and get ready for their hike.

“Ready?” Steve smiles as Bucky adjusts his backpack.

Bucky looks over and nods. “Yeah, let’s do this.” He pulls his black cap onto his head and they get going.

It’s not a hugely hard walk, but it’s not a walk in the park either. Epsi is so excited Bucky thinks she might explode, as she keeps yanking at him to go faster and then other times he has to stop so she can smell things or pee on bushes. Sox is better behaved, but Steve seems to think Epsi’s adorable.

“Puppies are the cutest,” he smiles over his shoulder when waiting for Bucky and Epsi yet again.

Bucky fake sighs as Epsi shoves her head into his legs to get him to walk again, but he can’t help but agree. Epsi being cute really doesn’t get old. Bucky’s already amazed by how much she’s grown as he thinks back to that first day. He’s so happy he got her. And now it’s like they come as a set. Bucky and Epsi, always together. It feels like he can’t remember a time before her. His heart feels like gold shining in the sun as they walk and he just watches her for a while.

Eventually they reach a nice spot about halfway up the trail where there’s a little area with picnic benches, so they setup there to eat.

Steve keeps praising the food as though Bucky made it rather than made the main decisions when they bought it, which is ridiculous but adorable, and it feels really nice, just being out here with Steve, Bucky thinks. There’s no one else around and Bucky likes the quiet and just being out in nature too. The sun still hasn’t appeared, but it’s not cold at least and the trail they’ve been taking is full of different coloured wildflowers and huge trees and it’s just beautiful.

“This place is really nice,” Bucky comments, looking around.

Steve finishes swallowing his food, nodding. “Yeah, I like to come up here when I have time. Sox loves getting out to different places and it’s always pretty quiet during the week. I like to come out here, breath in some air and clear my head,” he admits with a soft smile.

Bucky gets that. He already feels that himself out here. He doesn’t feel as anxious as usual. Though maybe that’s Steve rather than the trail. He can’t stop casting little shy glances at Steve when he’s not looking. It’s hard to believe he’s here with him, that Steve wants to be here with him.

After they’re both pleasantly full, they start off again, the trail getting less defined and a tiny bit wilder as they go. Again, Bucky ends up trailing behind as Epsi yanks him this way and that, unable to resist smelling everything or chasing a butterfly when one appears.

They’ve been walking for another thirty minutes or so when Steve, up ahead a little, climbs up on a small rock and reaches his hand out to Bucky. “Buck, come see this view!”

Bucky reaches him and takes the offered hand, Steve pulling him up next to him. Bucky looks around them. He can see all the way back down to where they parked from here along with the surrounding towns and neighbourhoods. It’s picturesque and vast and kinda incredible.

“Wow,” he breathes out.

“Right?” Steve agrees.

Epsi whines from where she’s standing on the ground and not the rock and Bucky frowns as he looks at her. “I think she’s tired.”

Steve nods, looking at Sox, who’s already lying on the ground. “We should let them rest a bit.”

They clamber down from the rock, discarding their backpacks to the ground, and Steve ties Sox’s leash to a nearby sign that points to the next part of the trail. Bucky figures that’s safe and does the same for Epsi and they both curl up together. Bucky puts a bowl of water down for Epsi, just in case, but she’s already falling asleep.

It lets Bucky relax a little further, not being so focused on keeping a firm grip on Epsi’s leash and he pets her head gently, murmuring sweet words to her, and stands back up to see Steve watching him.

“What?” he frowns at the somewhat intense look.

“You really love her,” Steve smiles affectionately.

Bucky shrugs. “Well, yeah.” Obviously he does.

“Your whole face gets all soft looking when you look at her,” Steve continues with his observation.

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, make fun.” He knows he turns to mush around Epsi.

Steve steps closer to him. “I’m not. It’s really nice to see. You light up.” He steps even closer and gently pulls Bucky’s cap from his head. “You’re incredibly beautiful, you know that, right?”

Bucky feels his face turn bright red. “Steve,” he frowns a little, unused to the flattery once again, realising he also turns to mush around Steve.

“Can I kiss you?” Steve asks softly, hand moving into Bucky’s hair, holding his head gently, as he discards Bucky’s cap on top of his backpack.

Bucky presses his lips to Steve’s before Steve can move. God, this man is a revelation. People like this just don’t exist. Steve makes him feel things he hasn’t felt in years. Or ever.

Their kisses turn heated as Bucky loses himself in them. It just feels so good, the way Steve nips at his lips, or slides his tongue in, or gives him light little kisses before melting into something deep again.

Bucky grasps at Steve’s waist, hands touching skin where Steve’s shirt has bunched up and he moans. Steve’s hands are on his face, keeping him there, as they seem to kiss endlessly, and god, Bucky’s hard. He presses his front against Steve, trying for some friction, Steve pressing right back.

It all just feels so good, Bucky doesn’t want to stop. He’s missed this so much and yet he’s never actually had _this_. Everything feels new and different and exciting. He presses his fingertips into the little dimples on Steve’s back, revelling in the feel of his warm, soft skin.

Bucky has no idea what’s come over him, except well, he supposes lust, as he finds his hand wandering round and down across Steve’s hip in a decidedly diagonal direction until it slides over the zipper of Steve’s jeans.

Steve pulls back with a little surprised noise, but Bucky’s hand is still there, delighted by the large bulge it’s found.

“What are…Buck?” Steve questions, eyes searching Bucky’s face as Bucky looks back at him, biting his lip. His eyes look a little glazed over, sort of how Bucky feels. Everything feels kind of distant except him and Steve, like they’re in a little bubble where time’s slowed down and everything feels _more_ …

Bucky’s hand grazes upwards, reaching the button on Steve’s pants, where it hovers as Bucky looks at Steve for confirmation.

“Buck, we…I…” Steve looks kind of lost. His hands go back to Bucky’s face, grabbing him and pulling him into a deep kiss that makes Bucky shiver with want.

Bucky moans against him, and his hand starts undoing the button.

Steve groans into Bucky’s mouth, somehow sounding confused, as Bucky’s hand finds its way into Steve’s pants, pushing the zipper down some, grazing through hair, then finally his fingertips are stroking over velvet soft skin, but Steve pulls back again before he can get further.

Steve looks honestly distraught, like he can’t believe he stopped it, and exhales shakily. “We can’t…someone could come up here and see us.”

Bucky realises he’s right. He should have stopped his bad hand. Even so, he feels himself pouting. God, he wants to touch Steve again. He’s about to apologise when Steve grabs his arm and pulls him from the path, into the trees. He stops after a few feet, pushing Bucky up against a tree, claiming his mouth again.

Bucky sucks on Steve’s lower lip, before pulling away and craning his head round. “What about the dogs,” he tries as Steve latches his lips onto his neck, Bucky having basically offered that up on a platter by craning his neck that way.

“They’ll be fine for a few minutes,” Steve mumbles, fingers stroking down the right side of Bucky’s neck as his mouth kisses a hot little path down the left.

Bucky wants to protest that, but as he looks round, he realises he can just about see them, curled up by the post, but the tree Steve’s pushed him against means if anyone does appear on the path, they won’t see them, at least not straight away. And then he can’t really bring himself to worry anymore, because Steve’s making his whole body burn with excitement as he reaches Bucky’s collarbone and sucks down.

Bucky’s hand gets on board with it faster than Bucky does. It’s already found its way back to Steve’s pants to rub over the front of them and now it’s sliding back inside again. Bucky lets out a moan as his hand curls over the bulbous tip of Steve’s cock, finding it a little slick with pre-come.

“Oh god,” he groans. He hasn’t touched anyone else in so, so long. And Steve is so perfect, he’s incredible. Bucky’s not sure how he’ll survive this.

Steve hisses against Bucky’s neck as Bucky’s hand squeezes and then slides down, as much as he can in Steve’s jeans. He starts a jerky rhythm, with no finesse, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Steve’s bucking his hips into Bucky’s hand and Bucky’s pushing his own crotch into Steve’s leg, as Steve’s own clever hand finds its way under his shirt, pinching and caressing over his nipples.

“Fuck, oh fuck…” Bucky groans, sliding his thumb across Steve’s slit as Steve’s fingers grip him and Bucky rubs off against him, Steve’s mouth sucking bruises into his neck.

Bucky pulls his hand out, licking it to ease the slide, making his way back into Steve’s pants and Steve lets out a deep groan as he feels the new wetness there.

Bucky starts jerking him faster and returns to pressing himself against Steve’s thigh, as one of Steve’s hands grasp his ass, pressing him even closer, if that’s even possible.

Steve steals his mouth again, pulling him into a filthy kiss, panting against him whenever they break apart, before he sucks Bucky’s tongue into his mouth again.

Bucky squeezes a little tighter and moves his hand a little faster. He can hear the somewhat pornographic sound of skin on skin, underneath the breathy moans they both seem to be making now.

“Fuck, that feels so…” Steve lets out a breath, dropping his mouth to Bucky’s neck to latch on there again, sending shockwaves down to Bucky’s dick somehow. He ruts up against Steve even more, probably getting some kind of friction burn, but he can’t begin to care, because he’s getting so close now.

“Oh god…” Bucky utters in surprise as he suddenly feels everything tighten up. He moves his hand desperately around Steve’s cock, loving the thick weight of it in his hand, wondering if it looks as fucking good as it feels, and then, with some particularly graphic fantasies running through his head, he’s coming with a low grunt, pleasure overtaking him.

“Fuck, did you just…I was gonna…” Steve utters and then Steve’s tongue is in his mouth, kissing him desperately as Bucky tries his best to keep his hand moving even through his post-orgasm haze. It must be enough because only a few seconds later, Steve’s gasping against him and Bucky’s hand gets covered in his release.

“Oh…my god,” Steve murmurs shakily, as he rests his forehead against the side of Bucky’s head.

“Uh…yeah,” Bucky exhales, slowly coming back to reality, as Steve turns his head and their eyes meet.

“That was…” Steve starts and breaks off. “I mean…damn. I thought you were shy,” he chuckles, sounding somewhat amazed.

Bucky meets his eyes and huffs in amusement as he leans against the tree, or more accurately, Steve still has him sort of caged in against it. “Yeah, so did I,” he admits. He’s not sure what came over him. Except well, Steve just did, over his hand. Bucky stifles the somewhat hysterical laughter that wants to come out of him. Oh god, he has nothing to wipe his hand on.

Steve pulls him in for another kiss, this one not desperate like before, but deep and tender. “God,” he breathes out as they break apart. “That was…I’ve never done anything like that before.”

Bucky feels a little embarrassed by how bold he got. “I…yeah, me neither.” He means it. And he doesn’t want Steve thinking he just shoves his hands down guys’ pants all the time in public. “We should get back,” he gestures behind them, as reality sets in.

Steve nods, buttoning his pants and fastening the zipper.

Bucky walks in front back out to the path, holding his hand away from himself. Their dogs are still curled up happily and it doesn’t seem like anyone’s been by. It’s not like they took much time out there anyway. Bucky’s never been turned on so fast by someone and he’s definitely never come just from neck kisses and nipple pinches and rubbing against a muscular leg. A very muscular leg. Good god, it was hot. Though now his underwear is sticky and uncomfortable.

He looks down to check he hasn’t leaked through to his pants, which luckily seem okay. “Oh god, we’re gonna have to walk like this,” he realises out loud, grimacing.

“Um, yeah,” Steve confirms from behind him. “I guess at least it’s good we did this on the way back?” he offers, apparently trying to look on the bright side. Then he retrieves some tissues from somewhere and Bucky takes them gratefully, wiping off his hand as much as he can, while Steve looks a little embarrassed that he made that mess.

Bucky unties Epsi’s leash from the signpost. She looks a bit annoyed about having to be up again as she gets to her feet, but then shoves her nose into Bucky’s crotch.

Bucky yelps and practically jumps away. “Oh dear god.” He covers his face with his hand as he pushes Epsi away from that area, then remembers where his hand’s been.

“They like new smells,” Steve huffs in amusement as he unties Sox.

Bucky looks over at him, unimpressed. “I think I’m traumatised,” he says seriously, frowning when Sox doesn’t sniff at Steve.

“Wait till the day you’re in bed and your dog jumps on the bed and licks the guy you’re with,” Steve comments.

Bucky’s eyes widen. “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Steve confirms. “I mean, it was his face, let’s be clear, and I felt worse for Sox than the guy, to be honest, but man was it embarrassing.”

Bucky lets out a sympathetic noise. “Well when we’re in bed, we’re definitely locking them out.”

Steve looks at him with a sly little smile on his face. “When we’re in bed…?” he repeats.

Bucky’s damn face goes bright red, he know it does. “I didn’t mean…I meant…I…”

Steve gives him the kitten look, as Bucky’s started calling it in his head. Then it changes to something sort of sinful and full of promise. “We should probably take our time on that, Buck. Once you’re in my bed, I’m pretty certain I won’t be letting you out of it again anytime soon,” he says, voice a low rumble.

Bucky’s mouth drops open, just a little, as he stands there both stunned and turned on. “I…gah…” Bucky’s not sure what the noise that just came out of him was.

Steve presses his lips together like he’s trying not to laugh. He reaches a hand out to Bucky, eyes sparkling. “C’mon. We better get back to the car so we can clean up.”

Bucky wants to say something, but he goes with the easier option. He takes the offered hand, with his metal one because that’s actually clean, and Steve gives it a little squeeze. He loves that—how Steve treats it the same as his other hand.

They head back down the trail, with Bucky flustered, but happy.

It’s definitely the best hike he’s ever been on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked 😊 I really like the idea of Bucky sort of coming out of his shell and being more like his old self when it comes to sex stuff while being kinda confused about his own boldness 😁
> 
> Up next more fluff/smut. Flut or smuff? Which sounds better. There'll be more plot eventually.
> 
> Love you guys, stay safe 💜


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smuff!

Bucky spends a good portion of the next day lying on his couch, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought.

Steve’s working so they can’t see each other today, and to be honest, that’s probably a good thing. Not because Bucky doesn’t want to see him, but because Bucky needs time to process. A whole lot just happened in the space of twenty-four hours.

He supposes that’s the way things happen sometimes. One thing happens and then everything changes. Suddenly, he’s dating. Suddenly, there’s a guy out there who might be thinking about him right now too. Suddenly, Bucky’s acceptance that he’d never have a relationship again seems to have been too hasty.

Still, it’s early days. Bucky doesn’t want to get ahead of himself. They’re still in that sweet spot where it’s all new and exciting (and terrifying, in Bucky’s case). They haven’t gotten to the part where it might get hard or someone loses interest. Someone being Steve, of course, Bucky figures, because Bucky’s interest levels are up in the clouds and he doesn’t see them ever plummeting.

He considers that for a moment. If Steve does leave. If he gets bored or decides being with Bucky is too difficult. The thought makes Bucky’s stomach clench up, but at the same, he decides he’s okay with the risk. The surprising thing about him is he’s not afraid of being hurt. He’s very aware that hurt is a part of life. And he already chose to do one thing that he knew might hurt him, and did, so why not risk it. At least with Steve, he won’t be losing a limb. Maybe his heart, which is probably worse, when Bucky thinks about it, but the excitement and just sheer joy he felt yesterday, even just holding Steve’s hand makes it worth it. If Steve just wants him for a little while…it’ll still be the best little while Bucky’s ever had.

His phone beeps, breaking him out of his thoughts. Bucky frowns. He must have forgotten something, because he can’t remember what reminder that might be, but then he reaches for his phone on the coffee table and breaks into a smile as he sees what it is.

It’s a message from Steve. He must be on a break. Bucky opens it to find a picture of Steve in his paramedic uniform. He’s pulling a weird smouldery face that Bucky doesn’t get until he reads the caption.

_How do you feel about men in uniform? :p_

Bucky laughs out loud. Paramedic uniforms aren’t generally known as the sexiest uniform—that seems to be the burden of firefighters and police—but Bucky’s sure whoever decided that hadn’t seen Steve in uniform. He looks like a dream. Bucky’s considering bonking himself on the head so he can get a visit from Steve right now.

He doesn’t, possibly only because he knows he can’t guarantee Steve’ll be sent his way. Instead he settles for texting back.

**I don’t know, I was one, so I guess I like them? ;)**

His phone beeps in reply quickly.

_Damn, I forgot that. Send me a pic?_

Bucky ponders that. He figures Steve doesn’t mean go and dress up in his fatigues, not that he has them in his house anyway, though he’s sure his mom has some somewhere, but he supposes he can try and find an old photo of him from back then.

He thinks about it and then goes to his sister’s Facebook page. He knows she used to post about him when he was away. He scrolls a few years back through her photos and then finds one. It’s a photo his dad took one time when he was back from leave.

Bucky stares at it, barely recognising himself. He looks so young. He’s got his short hair and an almost smirk on his face, throwing a lazy salute at the camera. He doesn’t really remember much of that time off. He was back out there again pretty quickly.

He sighs a little and saves the photo to his camera roll, before hesitating for a moment but then sending it to Steve.

_Wow, you look so different!_

Bucky knows he does. He let his hair grow out after leaving the army and it changes the way his face looks. Plus he’s older now and he’s pretty sure his face will never hold that innocent quality to it ever again. He’s seen too much now. Sometimes he wonders how much of an even bigger wreck he’d be if he actually remembered it all.

**It’s the hair. Plus I think I’m like twenty-two there.**

_You’re cute ;)_

Bucky presses his lips together, trying not to smile at that.

_And as it turns out, I have a thing for men in uniform._

Bucky can’t help laughing at that, feeling himself flush at the same time. His phone beeps again before he can reply.

_End of my break :( I’ll text you later?_

Bucky feels a little sad about that as he writes back.

**Okay :) Be safe out there.**

Steve sends him back the blushing, smiling emoji. _Thanks Buck_

Bucky does the same thing the emoji’s doing.

****

Epsi’s staring at him again. Her big dog eyes are looking at him all judgy.

“Stop it,” he complains at her.

So, okay, he’s been lying on the couch for the better part of three hours, watching romantic comedies, but he needs to. It’s research. He doesn’t know how this dating thing works. And okay, he’s figured out that dumb movies are probably not truthful, but there are _some_ good things in them. One being he should do things for Steve. Like little things to show he cares. He’s not doing any big romantic gestures, like singing to him on the school football field, like the movies seem to think he should, but he could do something little. Steve deserves that, to know that Bucky thinks about him, especially after how Bucky didn’t even realise Steve was dating him.

Then he abruptly realises, that’s what Steve’s been doing all along. Leaving him notes and drawings, leaving him little gifts like candy and cookies and that gorgeous drawing of Epsi…

“Dammit!” Bucky sits up abruptly, and Epsi dances about a bit excitedly probably thinking they’re going somewhere. “How the hell didn’t I notice that, Eps?” he glowers to himself. It seems like Steve is way, way too good at this romance thing. How is Bucky ever going to keep up?

He leans over and picks Epsi up—which is getting more and more difficult as she gets bigger—cuddling her on the couch. “What should I do?” he murmurs to her as she wriggles around and then licks his face, as he groans a little. It’s gross but adorable when she does that.

He looks around at his living room. He supposes he could invite Steve over? So far, they’ve always gone to Steve’s place, Steve only ever picking him up here. Maybe it’s time Bucky had him over? He thinks he could do that. He could be a good host. Maybe he could cook? That would take effort and show Steve that he cares, right?

Epsi moves so she’s lying down on his lap and Bucky chuckles to himself. He guesses he’s stuck here for a little while longer. He turns his attention back to the movie, where the girl’s run off because of a miscommunication and now the guy has to figure out how to win her back.

His phone beeps a little while later. It’s not for dinner as they already did that, so Bucky’s heart beats a little faster as he thinks maybe it could be Steve, and as he picks up his phone from the arm of the couch, he sees that it is.

His face breaks into a smile as he unlocks his phone.

_How was your day? I’m exhausted :(_

It’s just a simple text, but Bucky feels like his heart is glowing.

**Pretty good. Took the dogs for walks, watched movies with Epsi.**

He takes a picture of Epsi where she’s still on his lap and sends that too.

_Man, that dog kills me. Almost as gorgeous as her owner._

Bucky sort of chokes on nothing. He knows Steve’s said that before, but every time it makes Bucky feel ridiculously stupid and swoony. He can’t believe Steve thinks that about him and has the balls to just say it out loud whenever he seems to feel like it.

He must take too long being flustered over it, because a few minutes later, his phone rings. He slides to answer when he sees it’s Steve, heart glowing but nerves flooding him.

“H-hi,” he stutters as he picks up.

“Hey there,” Steve’s voice comes down the phone, all deep and delicious like usual. “So did you get busy or did I get you all flustered?” he teases down the phone.

Bucky huffs, trying to cover for the fact that Steve is psychic and totally called that one. “You wish you made me flustered,” he mumbles back.

Steve chuckles down the phone. “I’ll have to try harder,” he says, a tiny bit suggestively, while Bucky sort of gulps a little. “I missed you today,” he adds, in a softer, sweeter tone now.

Bucky finds that far more startling than he should. “Y-you did?” he utters mindlessly.

“Of course I did,” Steve replies, and Bucky can tell he’s smiling down the phone. “Thought about you way too much.”

“I-I…” Oh fuck, Bucky is so not good at this. “I did too,” he manages. “Think about you, I mean. Not about me, that would be weird,” he babbles. “I mean, I guess I do think about myself sometimes, but, um, I meant you.” He finishes his weird thought process and then cringes at how bizarre it was.

“You know, you have the softest hair,” Steve replies, as though Bucky didn’t just ramble at him.

“I-I do?” Bucky sputters. Oh dear lord, what is wrong with him? Why can’t he stop sounding so amazed and stuttering out his words?

“Yep. Like silk.”

“Do you want to come over?” Bucky blurts out, before Steve can finish whatever he was going to say.

“Now?” Steve asks, voice sounding somewhat confused, but somehow also interested.

“Um, no,” Bucky corrects himself, looking around. “It’s late. I meant like in general? When you’re free?”

Steve’s voice takes on a happily surprised tone. “Yeah, I would love that. How’s Wednesday evening?”

Bucky pouts a little. Two whole days away, that’s how’s Wednesday. But then he remembers, he’s walking Sox tomorrow and the next day, so Thursday must be Steve’s next day off. “Yeah, Wednesday’s good,” he tells Steve. “I’ll cook,” he offers.

“That sounds amazing, Buck,” Steve tells him, sounding completely genuine.

“So did you save lives today?” Bucky asks, settling back onto the couch, a bit more relaxed now he’s done it and got another date with Steve.

“A few,” Steve chuckles, and then he tells him all about his day, while Bucky listens with interest.

Somehow the time flies by and before he knows it, it’s almost midnight and Steve’s apologising that he has to go to bed. They say goodnight and hang up and Bucky’s _flying_. It feels so good to have someone to talk to like that. To have someone to share his day with and wish them goodnight. To know that someone out there cares about him, who’s not practically obligated to like his parents.

It’s amazing and exciting and terrifying and Bucky can’t even believe it. He’s still smiling when he climbs into bed. He’s never felt this way.

****

Bucky might be dying. He shoves his hands under his own legs in an attempt to control himself.

It’s just that it’s finally Wednesday evening and Steve’s sitting right there next to him on his couch and the minute he got there all Bucky could think about was getting his hands on him again. And seriously, what is that? On their hike it was like all his inhibitions flew out the window and he became this bold (and horny) person. And now he feels that exact same way again.

And Steve’s not helping matters. He’d been adorable and brought flowers with him for their date. Flowers. Bucky’s never in his life been given flowers for a good reason. Only from family when he was lying in a hospital bed and they just reminded him of funerals and death then. Steve’s flowers are completely different. They’re unexpected and sweet and Bucky was surprisingly affected by them.

And then he gave Steve a little tour of his place and Steve was really nice about it, even though it’s smaller than his house. He also noticed Bucky’s fridge door where he’d saved all the notes Steve had drawn for him and that had made Steve smile happily and Bucky turn red. He’d seemed even more touched when he saw the sketch of Epsi framed in the living room. And then they had dinner—steak that Bucky slaved over—and Steve had made yummy noises and probably thanked Bucky seventeen times _and_ offered to do the dishes.

And now they’re sitting on Bucky’s couch, deciding on a movie to watch, Epsi all tuckered out in her dog bed in the corner, Sox on Bucky’s reading chair, also sleeping, and all Bucky can think about is Steve. He’s just too perfect and pretty and gentlemanly and his forearms are weirdly sexy as Bucky stares at them where Steve rolled up his shirt sleeves and he can’t really understand how Steve’s pants haven’t split what with all that thigh muscle they’re trying to contain and why does he smell so damn good and—

“You okay?” Steve’s voice breaks through his mind wanderings.

“Huh?” Bucky utters, blinking at him, finding Steve’s intense blue eyes looking at him.

“I just asked if you’d seen this?” Steve says, gesturing with the remote.

Bucky glances at the TV. “I, uh, no,” he says, and then he looks back at Steve, who looks so delicious that whatever force that was inside him from last time takes over again and suddenly he’s got Steve’s face in his hands and is kissing him for all he’s worth.

Steve makes a muffled surprised noise against his lips, but still kisses him back. He starts murmuring out Bucky’s name and his hands go to Bucky’s hair, fingers running through it.

Bucky hopes it still feels like silk to him. He may have deep conditioned it just to make sure.

Bucky lets himself explore Steve’s lips, kissing him deeply, then softly and gently and then letting their tongues meet. It’s all sensation and wonder and Steve makes cute little noises as he lets Bucky take the lead. Bucky doesn’t ever want to stop. His whole body is thrumming like an electric cable, buzzing with electricity.

Steve keeps tugging lightly on his hair too, which Bucky didn’t know he had a thing for but clearly does, apparently as much as Steve has a thing for his hair, because his hands don’t move from there.

Bucky’s own hand, however, has different ideas. It makes its way down from Steve’s face, the left staying put, but the right heading for Steve’s pants button. When did his hand turn so naughty?

Steve gasps a little and breaks the kiss, looking down at where Bucky’s hand is, just like last time. “Buck?” he asks questioningly, like he doesn’t know what exactly Bucky’s aiming for.

“I wanna touch you,” Bucky pants, surprised by how needy he sounds. “Please, Steve, can I touch you?”

Steve looks like he has a small battle in his head, but apparently it gets resolved very quickly. “God, yes, Buck, you can do whatever you want.” He pulls Bucky back in, sliding his tongue into his mouth, Bucky moaning in glee.

This is so fucking awesome. How the hell did Bucky forget how good this feels? Maybe it really never has felt this good before, cause god, he really likes Steve and he thinks that’s what makes it different—how much he likes Steve. And Steve _gets_ him.

Steve’s hand trails to his waist and it’s like his body is lit up along the path it takes. Did he suddenly gain more nerve-endings? He must have. No way could a simple touch make him feel like this. He has to force himself to focus and remember what he was aiming to do, sadly breaking the kiss so he can watch what he’s doing as he gets his hand working again, quickly unbuttoning and unzipping Steve’s pants. He can feel Steve’s eyes on him, watching him, as with very little finesse, he pushes fabric out the way and reaches into Steve’s boxers to free his cock. His thick, gorgeous, very hard cock.

Bucky almost whimpers. It feels like heaven in his hand, just like before, but this time he’s seeing it and it’s very unfair that Steve has a cock that looks this good. Bucky bites his lip, a little in awe as he pushes his own hair back and slides himself to his knees on the floor, hearing Steve let out a breath that sounds like wonder to his ears.

He leans in and then Steve’s hands are on his face, stopping him.

Bucky whines. Like actually whines. He’ll be embarrassed about that later, but right now he’s too upset at being stopped to care. He looks up at Steve, confused.

“Buck, I just…I’m clean, okay? I just, I thought I should tell you before…” Steve looks slightly uncomfortable, but his eyes are all lust, only a tiny bit of blue visible right now.

Bucky didn’t even think about that. God, his mother would be appalled. She sat him down for an excruciating safe sex talk when he was a teenager, followed by an even worse one when he came out as gay, and here he is, being too obsessed with Steve’s dick to even think about that stuff.

“Um, I…that’s good,” Bucky manages, unconsciously rubbing his thumb along Steve’s shaft, like he can’t help himself, Steve hissing a little in response. “I am too.” He’d had a full health check-up a couple of years ago and he’s been extremely alone for a long time now. “I could probably dig out the paperwork somewhere?” he offers, trying to think of where in his house it could be, or if by some horror he didn’t move it from his parents’ house when he moved here.

“I trust you,” Steve says simply. He sort of looks down his body to where Bucky’s hand is, and then looks flustered. “But, I mean…you don’t have to…”

Bucky isn’t about to let Steve talk him out of this. “I want to,” he states, meeting Steve’s eyes for a moment, before he leans in and takes Steve’s cock into his mouth.

Steve lets out a little breathy groan, almost surprised sounding, as Bucky grips onto Steve’s very strong thigh with his metal hand and grips the base of his cock with the other. He licks his way down, getting him all wet, and then slides his mouth down.

Steve moans again and his hand settles on Bucky’s head, helpfully gathering Bucky’s hair back for him a bit.

Bucky tries hard to just feel his way along and not overthink it. He doesn’t know if he’s any good at this anymore, if he ever was, but Steve seems to be reacting well. He lets himself float a little, thinking only about how much he likes that weight in his mouth, and how Steve’s kinda musky scent is all around him, and how Steve’s groans sound like heaven to his ears.

He gets a rhythm going, sucking a little harder when he’s just got the head in his mouth, and then pressing his tongue against the shaft as he slides down.

“God…Buck…”

Steve sounds so beautiful. Bucky realises he’s closed his eyes, but he can’t quite bring himself to open them again. He likes this, just doing everything by feel. Plus it makes him less self-conscious.

Steve starts moving his hips, just the tiniest bit, in time with Bucky’s movements, and Bucky moans around him when Steve’s hand grips his hair just the tiniest bit harder when Bucky very, very carefully uses his left hand to stroke Steve’s balls.

“God, too good…” Steve chokes out. The hand in Bucky’s hair tries to gently pull him back.

Bucky doesn’t want to, but he goes with it, finally opening his eyes, as he pulls off Steve’s dick with a pop. “What’s wrong?” he almost whispers. Oh god, maybe Steve wasn’t enjoying it after all?

Steve looks all breathless as he looks at Bucky with incredulous eyes. “Wrong? Good god, nothing. I just…I’m so close, Buck,” he explains, almost shyly.

“Mmm,” Bucky hums happily. That’s kind of his aim here. He leans back in to lick round the head of Steve’s gorgeous cock, not wanting to lose any momentum. “Good,” he murmurs, as he gets his hand back on Steve, ready to sink his mouth back down. “Come wherever you want,” he adds, before he slides his lips down Steve’s shaft again, tongue tracing a large vein.

Steve’s leg quivers under Bucky’s other hand. “Fuck…oh…you’re amazing…”

Bucky would smile if he could. He loves that reassurance, those emphatic words, that yes, he’s doing a good job.

Steve starts panting a little, hips moving again, pushing up into Bucky’s mouth a tiny bit. Somehow he manages not to go too far and Bucky doesn’t choke.

“Fuck, ‘m gonna…”

Bucky doesn’t stop. He suctions even more, wanting it to be good for Steve, and then Steve’s hips stutter, and he seems to hold his breath for a moment, before there’s a cross between a groan and an exhale, and Bucky’s mouth gets filled with come.

He swallows quickly so he doesn’t choke, suckling on Steve’s dick as he breathes heavily, before Bucky gently pulls off. He didn’t miss a drop and is oddly proud of himself, especially considering he hasn’t done that in years. He swipes over his lips gently with his fingers. Then he glances up at Steve, who’s staring at him in wonder, head back against the couch cushions, looking exhausted.

“Jesus, Buck,” he murmurs, reaching his hand out.

Bucky very helpfully tucks Steve back into his boxers, before getting up from the floor, intending to sit next to Steve, but Steve pulls him onto his lap, Bucky’s knees either side of his legs.

Bucky wasn’t expecting that and feels a little breathless himself as he’s suddenly very up close with Steve’s face. “Was that, um, okay?” Bucky asks softly, not able to look Steve in the eye right now.

Steve makes a little huffing noise and his hands squeeze Bucky’s waist. “Was that okay?” His voice is full of disbelief. “Freakin’ blows my brains out and then asks if it’s okay,” he chuckles. “Definitely not okay,” he continues, and Bucky tenses up for a moment. “No, I gotta go with goddamn amazing.”

Bucky blushes hard. He looks down. “Shhh,” he mumbles.

Steve’s hand on his chin has him looking back up. He meets Steve’s eyes, feeling vulnerable, but Steve’s just looking at him like he can’t believe what he’s looking at. In a good way. Or at least Bucky hopes so.

Steve doesn’t say anything else. He just leans in and kisses Bucky’s now puffy lips, tenderly, the hand under Bucky’s chin sliding down to cup his neck.

Bucky shivers against the kiss. “I-I really like you, Steve,” he says nonsensically, as the gentle kiss ends. He doesn’t know why those words just came out.

But Steve just looks adoringly at him. “Well then I’m one crazily lucky man,” he replies, fingers softly stroking through Bucky’s hair now, as he studies his face.

Bucky rests his hand on Steve’s chest, holding back a sigh, because the hair stroking feels so nice, and Steve’s words are melting over him like butter.

“In case you didn’t know, I really, really like you too,” Steve adds.

Bucky, for once, didn’t need the extra reassurance, but it’s still nice to have it. But he knows Steve likes him. He can see it in his eyes now, now that he’s let himself look.

“Can I do something for you?” Steve asks in a suggestive tone, his other hand trailing over Bucky’s stomach a little, to make his words even clearer.

Bucky watches his hand. “I…like what?” he swallows. Reciprocation didn’t really enter into his mind before, which is kinda crazy now he thinks about it, especially as even though the hike and tree incident was awesome, Steve actually didn’t get around to touching him, which means Bucky still hasn’t been touched by a person other than himself in longer than he wants to admit.

“Whatever you want, Buck,” Steve says, hand lingering on Bucky’s waistband.

“I don’t know what I want,” Bucky answers too quickly and a little too honestly, meeting Steve’s gaze again.

Steve’s eyes soften. “Let me take care of you?” he murmurs, and it’s a question, but also sounds a little like a plea, and Bucky can’t deny him anything. Doesn’t know why he’d want to anyway, except nervousness.

He looks into Steve’s eyes and nods.

Steve repays the favour in kind and then some.

Bucky’s gasping, lying stretched out on his couch, attempting to recover, but Steve’s not making it easy. He’s made his way back up Bucky’s body and is nuzzling at his neck. Bucky can feel the way his lips are smiling against his skin.

“Mmm, smell so good, Buck,” Steve murmurs.

Bucky gathers his remaining brain cells. “That was…jeeesus,” he blows out a breath.

Steve lifts up slightly so he’s holding himself up over Bucky and can look at his face. “Yeah?” he raises his eyebrows.

“It’s been a fuckin’ long time,” Bucky adds, breathing finally coming back under control. Then he realises what he just said and backtracks. “I mean, not that it was just good cause it’s been ages. It was good anyway. I mean amazing. I mean, it was...cause it’s you and—”

Steve cuts him off. “Buck,” he says softly.

Bucky stops babbling and meets his eyes. “Yeah?” he says quietly, a little embarrassed.

“Kitten,” Steve states.

Bucky frowns. “Kitten?”

“Kitten,” Steve repeats, a very amused but fond look on his face.

 _Oh_. He’s being as adorable as a kitten, Bucky realises. His face gets hot. “Oh, shut up,” he complains, while Steve grins at him.

He goes to shove Steve off the couch in retaliation, but Steve slumps down on him, outright giggling and presses kisses to his hair and forehead, while Bucky whines and complains, except not really, because _this_ , what’s happening right now, is goddamn amazing.

He’ll let Steve call him whatever he wants for moments like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked 😊 Bucky's bad hand just keeps being bad 🤭
> 
> Up next, a little more Steve POV plus Sam appears. Just even more smuff really.
> 
> Thank you for reading, kudosing and commenting. It honestly makes me so happy during this crazy time 💜


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why this ended up so long. It's flangsmut (chock full of fluff, a little bit of angst and smut).

Steve’s floating. He feels high as a kite as he arrives at Sam and Maria’s. Sam’s having him over to watch baseball, but while he’s happy to see his friend and hang out, which seems to get rarer the older they get, he’s not floating because of that. He’s floating because he can’t believe how good everything is in his life. And by everything, he means Bucky.

Maria answers the door, stopping his train of thought, but before he can hug her hello, a little wobbly ball of energy darts past and grabs his legs in a hug.

“Uncle Steve!” a delighted Riley exclaims.

He lifts Riley up, groaning as though it’s a massive strain. “Hey there, Riles. Geez, you’ve grown another two feet. You’re so big, I can barely lift you!”

Riley predictably giggles in his arms.

“Come on, Riley, let Steve in the house,” Maria grins at them and leans in to kiss Steve’s cheek before she turns and heads inside, probably to find Sam.

Steve puts Riley down and closes the door behind him, Riley grabbing him by the hand straight away and tugging him towards the living room. “Come see my dinosaur.”

Steve chuckles to himself and does as he’s told, knowing better than to argue with a four-year-old. He ends up sitting on the floor with her, with a sparkly rainbow coloured dragon stuffy in his lap, while she makes growling noises with the bright blue dinosaur stuffy she’s holding.

He hears Sam chuckle as he comes in. “Hey man. I see you’ve met Rainbows and Bluey,” he says, raising an eyebrow. He’s holding drinks, putting them down on the side table, seeing as Steve’s hands are occupied.

“Daddy, daddy!” Riley calls, wanting his attention. “Steve’s playing.”

“I can see that, but it’s bedtime for you,” Sam tells her, giving Steve a bemused look.

“But Steve’s playing,” she repeats, pouting now.

Steve knows better than to repeat her words and pout too. He’s definitely done that before and annoyed Sam no end. He presses his lips together to keep from smiling.

“But mommy has a story for you, all ready to go,” Sam counters.

Riley looks like she’s considering for a moment. “But Uncle Steve’s here,” she whines.

“And you’ve already stayed up past your bedtime,” Sam reminds her. “I’m sure Steve’ll come back soon and he can play with you for a whole day,” he grins broadly, and Steve rolls his eyes a little at that, but not where Riley can see. Looks like he’ll be babysitting again soon.

Sam throws him a smirk as Riley looks at her dinosaurs contemplatively. She must be tired because she doesn’t argue anymore. “Okay,” she says simply. Then she holds her arms up, still clutching the blue dinosaur.

Sam chuckles. “Alright, up we go!” He lifts her into the air.

“Bye, bye, Steve,” she waves, chewing on her dinosaur’s foot.

Steve waves back, giving her a big smile. “Bye, Riles.”

_Be right back_ , Sam mouths at him as they leave the room.

Steve smiles to himself as they go. He doesn’t get to see them a whole lot, as they all have busy lives, but every time he sees them, he’s always amazed at how good a dad Sam is. Not that he didn’t think he would be, but he can see it’s a lot harder than Sam makes it seem. The times he’s babysat for them, while fun, were also exhausting. Still, whenever he’s with them, he thinks he might like kids one day, especially if they’re as sweet as Riley.

Steve settles himself on the couch, taking a sip of his beer, and Sam returns a minute later, slumping down next to him. “Phew. Sorry, she stayed up a bit later than usual,” he apologises.

“No problem, I wouldn’t have wanted to miss her anyway,” Steve replies, as Sam flicks on the TV. Steve’s here to watch the game, after all.

“I apologise in advance if I fall asleep,” Sam chuckles, taking a sip of his drink.

Steve clinks their bottles together and chuckles. “Right there with you.”

Sam laughs. “Man, when did we get so old,” he complains. “Wait, you weren’t working last night, were you?”

Steve shakes his head. “No, but had kind of a late one. With Bucky,” he adds, a little smile coming onto his face when he thinks about it. It had been an amazing night. He’d finally gotten to see Bucky’s place properly and Bucky had cooked for him and then the night took a turn Steve truly didn’t expect when Bucky basically blew his brains out. Steve had done his best to reciprocate, frankly delighted at being able to touch Bucky, and he definitely now has an addiction to the noises Bucky made when Steve’s mouth was on him and needs to hear them again soon. God damn, Bucky was incredible.

Sam shuffles, sitting up a bit straighter, turning to face him. “Wait, wait, wait,” he stares at Steve. “Like a _late one_?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

Steve’s not a great liar. He has a terrible poker face. “Umm…”

Sam bursts into delighted laughter. “Man, good for you!”

Steve really doesn’t think his friend should be so enthusiastic over his sex life. “I mean, we didn’t…not _that_. Just um, other stuff.”

Sam shrugs. “Been a long time either way,” he states.

Steve frowns at him even though that’s true. He just doesn’t do casual. Can’t. Tried once and decided never again. He has to feel a connection with someone. And he does with Bucky. It means something with him. He can’t really put it into words, because he knows in some ways they’re very different, but somehow they just match. He can talk to Bucky about almost anything and it feels especially good that Bucky seems to feel the same way—that Bucky seems to open up with him.

“So he’s opening up?” Sam continues, knowing very well what Steve’s like, and almost reading his thoughts. Plus they’ve talked about Bucky before, because Steve can’t really seem to stop talking about him if he’s honest.

And Steve can’t keep the smile from his face. “Yeah, he is. He…god, Sam, he’s just so great,” he sighs happily, running a hand through his hair as he leans over to put his bottle down on the side table next to him.

“So when do I get to meet him?” Sam asks, grinning.

Steve shakes his head automatically. “Oh no, no way.”

Sam frowns at him, looking put out. “Meeting the friends is a super traditional part of dating someone, Steven,” he chastises him.

Steve rolls his eyes. “I know that, but no.” He sighs and leans back. “Bucky…he’s sort of skittish sometimes. I told you I knew we’d have to take things slow,” he reminds Sam. He hasn’t told Sam that Bucky didn’t even realise Steve thought they were dating. That’s a level of humiliation he’s not about to share with anyone. He still thinks back and cringes. He thought he’d been clear in his interest, while trying to not be too pushy or over the top, but the idea that Bucky didn’t even get that…god, it had been embarrassing. He’s just so thankful that it all seems to have worked out and Bucky seems to want him too, because while he would have loved Bucky as a friend, he also thinks he might have died a bit inside and probably spent forever pining after him.

“Yeah, I know,” Sam sighs. “I just want to meet the guy you’re mooning over.”

Steve gives him an unimpressed look.

“Oh, you know you are!” Sam counters back, cackling.

Steve sighs and looks at the ceiling. He knows he is. Bucky’s practically all he can think about. He’s lucky he has to really focus at work, otherwise he’d have Bucky on the brain twenty-four seven. “He’s just…he’s so, so great,” Steve moons. Then he moves and digs his phone out his pocket, opening up the photos. “I mean, look,” he says, showing Sam the phone.

It’s a picture of Bucky and Epsi. Steve convinced him to pose yesterday by getting Epsi in it too, because he knew Bucky wouldn’t pose by himself. He was very proud of his sneakiness, because he really just wanted to have a photo of Bucky. Not just so he could show him off to his friends, but yeah…why wouldn’t he. Bucky’s gorgeous and Steve feels like he won the lottery.

“Cute dog,” Sam comments.

“She’s amazing,” Steve agrees impatiently. “But look at him.” Steve jabs at the phone, a little harder than he meant to as he zooms in on Bucky.

Bucky’s looking at Epsi with so much love in his eyes that it makes his whole face light up. That beautiful, beautiful face. Steve’s shown Sam his only other Bucky picture before, from his business card, because Sam wouldn’t stop asking, but this picture is different. The business card picture is tiny and posed with Bucky just looking at the camera. This shows Bucky how he really is, when he lets his guard down.

“Okay, your boyfriend’s very handsome,” Sam chuckles, probably at Steve’s enthusiasm.

_Ha, boyfriend_ , Steve thinks. He wishes. “Maybe one day,” he muses.

“Not had that talk yet, huh?” Sam hands back the phone.

“I told you, I can’t rush things with him,” Steve reminds him. “He’s kinda shy and there’s the veteran stuff too and he hasn’t really been in an adult relationship before.” He knows Bucky worries about that, but honestly, it doesn’t bother Steve. It’s dumb, but he really hopes to be the first person, first relationship for Bucky that really means something. It feels special…makes Steve feel special. If they get there, that is.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean he’s gonna not want to be your boyfriend. He might be waiting for you to ask,” Sam theorises.

Steve considers that. He supposes Sam could be right. He’s been trying so hard to go at Bucky’s pace, but Bucky’s been making a few first moves lately, things Steve honestly didn’t expect, like yesterday’s amazing evening and what happened on their hike. He’s just scared though. “I don’t want to go too fast and scare him off,” he admits. It’s better he lets Bucky lead.

Sam gives him an appraising look. “You really, really like him, don’t you,” he comments.

Steve gives him a small frown. “I literally just said I do.”

“No, I mean like _really_ ,” Sam drags the word out. “Are you…do you love him?” he asks gently.

“Pssft,” Steve huffs. It’s only been a few weeks. Of course he can’t love Bucky yet, it’s way too soon. But that doesn’t stop the little quiver in his chest when Sam says that. He’s never had this sort of attraction to someone before, this sort of connection or chemistry. He knows it would be pretty damn easy for him to fall in love with Bucky Barnes.

Sam luckily doesn’t push him. “Well I’m gonna keep my fingers crossed for you guys,” he tells Steve, picking up his drink again.

Steve smiles softly to himself as they turn their attention to the game. He’s going to keep his fingers crossed too. He’s going to keep everything crossed.

****

“Hey,” Steve beams at Bucky as he opens his front door.

Bucky’s about to say hi back when he yelps unintentionally as Steve yanks him inside by the collar of his jacket and then presses him against the wall, mouth meeting his in a searing kiss.

It’s been a few weeks since the fateful dinner, as Bucky calls it in his head, and things are good. Things are so good, Bucky’s not even sure this is his life still. He wonders if maybe he was in an accident and this is his comatose dream world. Because Steve is so, so awesome, and his job is great and even his anxiety is way down and he’s even hung out with Clint again and even with Nat once too, and things just all seem to be going right for him.

He looks at Steve with surprise when Steve finally lets him breathe. “Well that was a hell of a hello,” he says, raising his eyebrows, far too turned on already.

Steve just looks fondly back at him, a playful glint in his eye. “I missed you.”

Bucky frowns fondly, hands snaking up to rest on Steve’s neck, right hand scratching through the back of his short hair. “We saw each other two days ago.” God, it’s crazy how comfortable he is with Steve already. How in just a few weeks, he now just naturally can slide his hands into this man’s hair, knowing he’ll like it.

Steve does like it. He lets out a small noise of pleasure at Bucky’s fingers stroking over his neck and scalp. “And?” he breaks into a grin, before stealing another kiss.

Bucky sighs into it. Steve’s kisses are like magic. They’re always intense and never fail to make Bucky melt. He knows he’s become a pathetic romantic sap lately, but he can’t help it. “Mmm,” Bucky hums gently as they break apart and Steve rests his forehead against Bucky’s.

_God, like this_ , Bucky thinks. This is so overly romantic, standing staring at each other like swooning teenagers or the leads in some rom-com, but he likes it. He loves how Steve looks at him like he hasn’t seen him in weeks instead of a couple of days. He loves how it makes him feel special and wanted and lo—

Bucky shakes his head a little, breaking them apart. No, he doesn’t feel that, he internally scolds himself.

He looks down to see Epsi staring at them and he realises he’s still holding her leash in his left hand. He sort of forgot she was there for a minute. He chuckles to himself as Steve steps back a little and he unclips her so she can run off and investigate the plant over by the TV, as though she hasn’t seen it before.

“Sox outside?” Bucky comments, as usually he would have run in to say hi.

“Yeah,” Steve nods. “Bathing in the evening sunshine.”

Bucky bets he’s loving it. Epsi adores lying in the sunshine, especially now as it’s early June and summer’s starting to take hold. Of course, Steve saying _evening_ also makes Bucky remember why he’s there as he remembers the backpack on his shoulder and slides it down his arm, sudden nerves running through him.

Steve reaches for it. “Here, I’ll put that upstairs,” he offers with a little smile.

Bucky hands it over. “I’ll, um, grab us drinks?” he offers, hoping Steve doesn’t notice the sudden nervousness in him.

“Sounds good,” Steve says as he heads for the stairs, leaving Bucky to panic just a little.

Because they made a date tonight. An overnight date. Bucky’s stayed over that time before when he fell asleep, but since then nothing like that’s happened even though Bucky’s kind of wished Steve would offer, but then the other day, he did. He asked Bucky if he wanted to come over and stay the night so they could drive out early in the morning for another hike.

Bucky’s trying to take that at face value and not read anything more into it, but he keeps thinking about it, because they’ve been dating for almost five weeks now and they haven’t had sex, and he can’t help wondering if that’s what tonight’s about. It makes him nervous, but he’s also kind of ready for it, if he’s honest with himself. It’s not that he’s the stereotype of a guy who thinks about sex every six seconds, or even that it’s just been so long. He’s lasted this long without sex, he can certainly keep going. It’s just that every time he gets to touch Steve, he just wants more.

He’s thinking a bit too much about Steve naked as he pours out some juice he finds in Steve’s fridge and Steve comes bounding into the kitchen, a little too reminiscent of his dog in that way. It’s too adorable.

Steve leans in and kisses him on the cheek as he grabs his glass. “Thanks, Buck.” He goes and opens the backdoor and a second later a zoom of colour runs by them as Epsi goes running into the yard.

Bucky doesn’t even panic. He knows it’s all safe and secure and he’s fine with Epsi being out there without him watching now. Her training is really coming along and he swears she’s doubled in size over the past couple of weeks, so she doesn’t even look small next to Sox anymore.

“So,” Bucky states, setting his drink down after a sip. “What are we making?” They’d decided they’d make dinner together tonight.

Steve grins and heads to the fridge, pulling out ingredients. “I thought we’d try out my ma’s recipe for beef stew,” he says, grabbing a piece of paper from the counter and passing it to Bucky. “Figured it might work out better than when I tried it as I’ve got you here to help.”

Bucky’s learnt Steve’s not a bad cook, per say. He’s just not all that confident in the kitchen. Bucky, on the other hand, is an okay cook but finds it hard to put much effort into his meals when he’s just cooking for one. So this kind of works out for both of them.

“Sounds good,” Bucky replies, studying the recipe. There’s nothing overly complicated in it.

Steve turns to him after grabbing a couple of pans and setting them on the stovetop. He moves closer and slides a hand onto Bucky’s cheek, into his hair a little and kisses him again, smiling as he pulls back. “Forgot to say, you look gorgeous.”

For the hundredth time, Bucky wishes his face wouldn’t turn red, but it does. He’s trying to get better at being complimented, he really is. He almost believes it when Steve tells him things like this, but it still makes him a little flustered. But he’s also trying to be better at romance. “So do you,” he tells Steve, and then he very boldly slides his hand down to give Steve’s irresistible ass a little squeeze, feeling super smug that he’s allowed to do that.

Steve does an exaggerated jump and gives him a fake shocked look. “Feeling me up in the kitchen, I am shocked!” he says in a funny overly appalled voice.

Bucky chuckles and smacks him on the butt as he goes past him to the counter with the ingredients. “Come on, let’s get to it.”

Steve comes up behind him, crowding him into the counter, chest against Bucky’s back. “What’s the first thing?”

Bucky tries very hard to focus with that wall of muscle against him. “Um, onions,” he reads. “Chop,” he orders.

Steve leans in and kisses his neck. “On it.”

Bucky reads step two, overly aware of Steve’s presence next to him, chopping away, still feeling the kiss on his neck lingering there. And as the evening wears on, Steve seems to be determined to drive Bucky literally insane. He presses himself up against him when he’s moving around the kitchen or kisses him on the cheek or against his hair when Bucky passes him something. Sometimes he just has to look at Bucky and Bucky feels like he might explode.

He keeps imagining Steve pushing him up against the fridge and kissing the living hell out of him. Or Steve saying to hell with the cooking and sinking to his knees right there while Bucky grips the marble countertop.

Neither of those happen, but by the time dinner’s ready, Bucky is feeling agitated and, frankly, horny as fuck.

Still, he makes it through dinner, which is pretty damn delicious if he does say so himself, and then snuggling while watching a movie. And he can’t lie—he does adore the snuggling. He’s turned into this cuddle addict lately.

“Want to watch another?” Steve offers, hand stroking across Bucky’s shoulder.

It’s not all that late, but Bucky shakes his head. “We should go to bed. Got an early morning,” he reminds Steve.

Steve stands and stretches, showing off a strip of those delicious abs. “I guess you’re right. I’ll just switch stuff off and lock up, you head on up.”

Bucky nods. He calls for Epsi and Sox, who’ve been lounging nearby, and they follow him upstairs. Then he realises he’s not sure what the sleeping arrangements are here. Does Steve expect him to stay in the guest room again? If Bucky’s in his room when he comes up, will he think Bucky’s being presumptuous?

Bucky’s dilemma gets answered when he goes into the guest room and his bag isn’t in there, so then he goes to Steve’s room to find it sitting on the bed. He can’t help the little buzz of excitement in his chest.

He hurries to go and brush his teeth and freshen up, feeling hopeful. Maybe Steve’s thinking what Bucky’s thinking and tonight’s the night. He thinks they’ve waited long enough. And he really, really likes Steve. He wants to be close like that with him. He’s definitely upped his grooming and hygiene lately, wanting to be prepared for whenever it happens. And it feels like tonight would be a good night for it, he thinks, even as nervous energy zings through him.

When he heads back to Steve’s room, Steve is there, already changed into some thin pyjama pants and a grey t-shirt and Bucky’s heart sinks. If Steve’s literally ready for bed then this can’t be what Bucky thought it might be. A flood of disappointment hits him.

“Hey, you okay?” Steve asks, looking concerned, because of course he noticed the expression on Bucky’s face. He always notices. “If you don’t want to sleep in here, you can have the guest room?” he offers.

Bucky shakes his head and tries to pull himself together. “No, it’s fine. I…here’s fine.” He tries to smile, but it must not be convincing, as Steve still looks concerned.

Bucky goes to his bag and rummages through for his things to wear to bed, taking his time, trying to stop feeling so crappy.

“I’ll just go brush my teeth,” Steve says and he heads out the room.

Bucky quickly changes into the pyjama pants he brought with him, taking off his sweater, leaving him in the white t-shirt he had on underneath. Usually he’d sleep in just his boxers, but right now he feels like he wants his clothes as some sort of comfort blanket. He leaves the sweater folded on Steve’s dresser and tucks his bag safely in the corner next to it, glancing over at where Sox and Epsi are sharing Sox’s big dog bed in the other corner.

_At least they seem happy_ , he thinks. He goes to pet them goodnight, before moving over to the bed.

Bucky pulls back the bedcovers on the left as Steve returns. He pauses. “Oh, um, is this side…?”

Steve nods. “Oh, yeah, whichever side is fine,” he replies, sort of stilted.

Bucky bites his lip. When the hell did things get so awkward? He settles down on his side, on his back, as Steve partly closes the door and turns off the lights and then he climbs in next to Bucky.

He seems to be feeling the awkwardness too, as he leans in and kisses Bucky’s cheek quickly. “Night, Buck.” Then he lies back, the same way Bucky is.

“Night, Steve.” God, this is awful. Bucky feels like he got rejected even though he didn’t really, because he didn’t ask anything of Steve, except maybe he did get rejected, because surely having the guy you’re seeing in your bed would make you want to make a move, but apparently Steve doesn’t.

Bucky turns onto his side, facing away from Steve.

Maybe he should just go? The air feels tense and weird around them and he has no idea how he’s supposed to sleep like this. He just doesn’t get it. Why doesn’t Steve want him? He always seems to be super on board with it whenever they get handsy or mouthy as the case may be, but he’s never made a move further. Maybe Steve doesn’t like that kind of sex? Bucky supposes he’d be okay with that, if he had to be, but he should really find out, because all this wondering is making his heart hurt. Then he realises with a little dread, every time they’ve done something sexual, it’s been _him_ making the first move. Steve never has. Oh god, what if he’s not even attracted to Bucky in that way but has just been going along with him? What if—

“Buck?” Steve’s voice breaks the silence before Bucky can.

“Yeah?” Bucky replies, trying to will his horrible thoughts away, because he can’t stand them.

He hears Steve sigh and then a lamp is turned on, bathing them in a soft glow, as Bucky forces himself to roll back over to look at Steve.

“Did I…I mean, you’d tell me if I did something, right?”

He looks really worried, Bucky notices. “No,” he replies. “I mean, no you didn’t do anything,” he amends.

“Oh. Um, okay,” Steve says softly, still looking concerned, but he reaches over to turn the lamp off.

“Wait,” Bucky stops him, gathering his courage, and Steve looks back over, lamp still on. Bucky lets out a breath and pulls himself up a little so he’s sitting like Steve is now. He needs to say something, to explain how he’s feeling. “Do you want to have sex with me?” he blurts instead.

Steve’s eyes widen for a moment. “I…what?”

Bucky cringes. He didn’t mean to say it like that. “I mean…” He runs a hand through his hair, horrendously embarrassed. “Fuck, I just…I thought maybe you wanting me to stay over was you wanting to…” he trails off.

“Oh,” Steve utters, looking like his mind is racing. “No, I didn’t mean that.”

Bucky feels crestfallen.

Steve notices and seems to panic. “No, I didn’t mean...I just meant I didn’t think you staying over meant automatic sex.” He lets out a breath and rubs at his stubble, looking like he’s deciding on his words carefully, and looks over at Bucky. “Of course I want to have sex with you. I just…you being here doesn’t mean you’re obligated…”

Bucky almost rolls his eyes. “I know that. I just thought, maybe you’d want to?” He shrugs a little, wrapping his hands round his knees as he pulls his legs in. “I mean, we’ve been dating a while now,” he add quietly.

“We have,” Steve agrees. “But I’ve been kinda taking my cues from you, you know? So I didn’t…” He lets out another breath. “I mean, we haven’t even discussed what we are or anything?”

Bucky frowns to himself, pondering that. “You mean like boyfriends?”

Steve chuckles lightly. “Yeah, I mean like boyfriends. Or something that sounds a little less junior high,” he smiles wryly.

“You want to be my boyfriend?” Bucky says, a little incredulous, ignoring the end of Steve’s comment, because he likes the sound of boyfriend, but it’s also a big deal and he’s kind of freaking out.

Steve’s eyes soften. “I want to be whatever you want me to be.”

Bucky really doesn’t know how to answer that. “So you _do_ wanna have sex with me?” he says instead, needing confirmation, because this just seems way too good to be true and he’s still feeling the earlier sting.

Steve looks deeply, fondly amused, like he wants to say something, but he just reaches over and takes Bucky’s hand. “Yes.”

“Oh.” Bucky’s face breaks into a little smile despite himself. That’s…well, that’s freaking awesome. “So, um, like now?” he checks.

Mirth covers Steve’s face as he smiles at Bucky.

“Oh, not now. Kinda ruined the moment, huh?” Bucky confirms, realising that himself.

Steve shakes his head. “No, but I think maybe we should ease into it.” He leans in towards Bucky.

“That sounds dirty,” Bucky says as Steve gently pushes on his knee and Bucky obligingly lies down again, Steve gently climbing over him. Bucky’s heart starts beating faster as Steve settles over him, face up close as he holds his weight up so he doesn’t squash Bucky.

Steve chuckles. “I just thought, maybe I could get to know some other parts of you first.”

Bucky bites his lip. “Dirty again.”

Steve rolls his eyes and then he leans back onto his knees and pulls his shirt off and Bucky gets what he means. They’ve not really done this. Whenever they’ve fooled around, they’ve never been naked together. Bucky’s seen glimpses of Steve, but not the whole picture.

“Okay, yes, I approve of this idea,” he grins, staring at Steve’s stupidly defined chest, all hard contours and soft skin.

“Enough to want to reciprocate?” Steve asks, a soft, sweet look in his eyes.

Oh. His shirt, Bucky realises. “Oh…there’s, um, I mean.” He huffs and sits up a little. His words aren’t working right. “Look, _I’m_ fine with it, but I just think I should warn you, there’s scars and stuff.” He really is okay with it. He wishes he didn’t look like he does, of course, but it is what it is, and he has a left arm again, so who is he to complain when other people didn’t even make it home.

Steve looks into his eyes. “I promise I’m fine with it,” he says with conviction. “But you don’t have to.”

“You say that now,” Bucky jokes, but then he pulls his t-shirt off, dropping in on the bedcovers next to him.

Steve looks, there’s no doubt about that, but his eyes don’t linger on Bucky’s left shoulder. They travel the whole of his torso and if Bucky’s not mistaken, he looks like he likes what he sees.

“Sexy as fuck,” Steve states, meeting Bucky’s eyes again.

Bucky chokes out a laugh. “Oh yeah?” He’s not in bad shape, but he’s nowhere near Steve-level fitness, so he’s happy Steve seems to like what he sees, regardless of his arm and scars.

“Mmhm,” Steve hums and then he’s leaning in and crushing their lips together.

Bucky melts into it. He loves Steve’s lips. He’s still not sure about the whole boyfriends thing, because how is he supposed to be a boyfriend, he has no experience of that, but he sure as hell likes this. And god, why does Steve smell so good all the time? It’s not even an identifiable scent or something—it’s just this _Steve_ smell that makes Bucky lose his mind a little as he lets himself get lost in their kisses.

More clothes gradually come off with soft hands and awed looks. They end up laying side by side, both naked, kind of gazing stupidly at each other. When they kiss this time, they’re pressed up against each other with no barriers between them.

Bucky moans in appreciation as his dick presses against Steve’s stomach and he feels Steve’s against him. It feels like the most erotic moment of his life and then Steve’s hand trails down Bucky’s back to clutch at his ass and Bucky makes a muffled noise of approval.

Steve groans too, the noise of that making Bucky’s cock twitch. They don’t seem to need words. There’re no whispers of each other’s names or telling each other how good it feels as they start grinding against each other. They don’t need words. Bucky’s hand settles on Steve’s trim waist, the other at his chin, keeping him close, not letting the kissing stop.

It’s all moans and sweat and Bucky’s now totally on board with Steve’s idea to ease into things if that’s what this is, because this feels so fucking good, just rutting against each other like horny, naked teenagers. Though Bucky never did do _this_ when he was a teenager.

Steve’s the one who takes the initiative, snaking a hand down between them to wrap around them both.

Bucky shudders at that feeling, moaning against Steve’s mouth, as Steve jacks them together and Bucky’s eyes practically roll back in his head, because it feels so damn amazing, having both Steve’s hand and his cock rubbing against him.

Steve comes first. He’s squeezing Bucky’s ass and pumping them together and then he lets out this gorgeous gasp of a sound and Bucky feels Steve’s release on his own cock and stomach and groans out loud at the sensation of it.

Steve’s panting heavily even as Bucky continues to press kisses against his lips and now Bucky’s got friction _and_ wetness and after only a few seconds, his hips stutter and he comes too, adding to the mess between them and feeling like he might just blackout.

“Ho-ly fuck,” Bucky murmurs as he comes back to himself to find Steve slumped next to him, watching him.

“That was…” Steve lets out a deep sigh. “Damn.”

“Mmm,” Bucky hums in agreement.

Then his bliss is interrupted by Epsi jumping up on the bed by their feet.

Bucky jumps. “Oh my god, Epsi, no, down!” He’s mortified as Epsi looks a little scared and jumps back down. Bucky buries his face in his hands. “Oh fuck, we just did that with dogs in the room.”

Steve’s laughing. “It’s not that bad.”

Bucky moves his hands and glares at him. “It’s perverted, Steve.”

Steve laughs even more and then reaches out and yanks Bucky back down, slick mess squishing grossly between them. “It’s fine.”

Bucky huffs at him. “Yuk, we need to clean up,” he grimaces. He looks over to see Epsi’s gone back to Sox’s dog bed. “Sorry, Eps,” he calls out, feeling bad.

Steve chuckles and sighs as he plants a kiss on Bucky’s cheek and then climbs out of bed.

Bucky can’t help staring at him in wonder and lust as he walks to the door. That ass is perfect. It’s a travesty that he hasn’t gotten to stare at it before.

Steve returns in a few moments with a damp washcloth as Bucky just takes in the sight that is naked Steve. It’s the kind of sight that gets burnt into your brain and yet, any memory of it will never do the real thing justice. Steve’s a work of art. Bucky drinks it all in. And then a washcloth hits him in the face and he sputters.

“Shouldn’t be staring so hard, Buck,” Steve smirks at the indignant look on his face.

“Shouldn’t be all…” Bucky gestures at Steve’s body with his hand. I mean, really, what does Steve expect. He wipes himself off as best he can with the washcloth.

“All what?” Steve grins at him as he pulls on some boxers and tosses Bucky’s over at him, taking the cloth and throwing it into his laundry basket.

Bucky scowls as he yanks them on. “Shut up, you know what you look like.”

Steve drops down onto the bed on his stomach, a big grin on his face. “Oh, I do, huh?”

Bucky huffs at him. “Stop fishing.”

“You think I’m sexy, Buck?” Steve teases, as Bucky makes his way under the covers.

“I’m going to sleep now, Steve,” he calls back.

“Mmhm,” Steve murmurs, getting close up and kissing the back of Bucky’s neck. It makes the skin there tingle. “You think I’m sexy,” Steve murmurs, sounding very happy about that as he wraps his arms around Bucky, basically spooning him.

Bucky rolls his eyes to himself and reaches for Steve’s hand, entwining their fingers. He’s completely blissed out and basically dying at how adorable Steve is. “Shut up and go to sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is even longer because of reasons.
> 
> And then after that....ooh more plot-ish.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, let me know, I love hearing from you guys 😍 Sending all you commenters and readers all the best in these awful times 💜 It's so nice to hear that this fic can be a little bit of an escape for some of you, so thank you for saying that and thank you for reading.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor warning for character throwing up (not described graphically).
> 
> I just kept adding and adding to this but finally here it is.

The weird thing is, after that night, everything seems better, even though they actually still haven’t had sex in the two weeks since then. But they’re just more open with each other. Or he is, Bucky supposes. Steve was already there really, just cautious of Bucky’s feelings on things. But now…now there’s some level of deeper trust there, like Steve knows he doesn’t have to tiptoe around Bucky so much and Bucky knows that Steve really wants him and somehow can let himself believe that now.

So things are good. Bucky’s happy.

Except for right at this moment.

At this moment, Bucky’s slumped on the bathroom floor, feeling like he just emptied his entire body of everything in it. He’s been throwing up for the past few hours on and off. It must be a stomach bug. He hasn’t eaten anything that might have made him sick, so he must be ill. This is just great. It’s like nature realised the balance was off—like ‘oh my god, Bucky Barnes is happy, we better do something about that!’—so this is his consequence.

He groans as he forces himself off the floor and rinses his mouth out at the sink, flushing the toilet, washing his hands, and making his way slowly out to the kitchen. It’s almost ten. He needs to pull himself together and get better—he’s got dogs to walk at lunchtime.

He manages to drink a little water as he makes his way to his couch gingerly. Epsi’s whining by his feet. He thinks maybe she knows he doesn’t feel well. He really wishes he’d trained her to fetch him water or medicine.

He can’t make it back to his bedroom, so he settles on the couch and figures he’ll just take a little nap and then he’ll feel better. Instead, he finds himself woken up only twenty minutes later by a knock at his door.

He wants to weep as he drags himself up to where Epsi’s already barking at the front door.

He opens it to find Steve, looming in the doorway, illuminated by the morning sunshine like some sort of mirage, Sox by his side.

“Hey!” Steve says happily before the beaming smile on his face falls as he gets a good look at Bucky. “Buck? What’s wrong?”

Bucky opens his mouth to answer and feels his stomach lurch again. He slaps a hand over his mouth and runs to the bathroom, getting there just in time to throw up next to nothing, but his body seems insistent in trying.

He groans and waits to see if there’s more. There’s a faint tap on the doorframe of the open door. Bucky didn’t close it in his haste. He turns his head to see Steve there, looking very concerned.

“You’re sick?” he asks, brow furrowed.

Bucky nods and turns away. He doesn’t want Steve to see him looking so gross. “What are you doing here?” he mutters out, throat burning.

“I brought food, I thought we could have brunch together,” Steve murmurs, sounding sympathetic.

Bucky hears Epsi whining. “It’s okay, sweetie,” he hears Steve soothe her.

Bucky flushes the toilet again and staggers to his feet. “Yeah, probably no food for me. I gotta go get dressed,” he mumbles, heading for his bedroom as Steve steps back out the way.

“Wait, get dressed?” Steve queries from behind him.

“Mmm,” Bucky hums in reply. “Gotta get Trinity and Papaya for their walk at eleven-thirty.”

“Bucky, you can’t go out, you need to get in bed and rest,” Steve says, obviously following him, sounding shocked.

“I’m fine, I just gotta get ready.” Bucky opens his closet, pushing down a wave of nausea.

Steve steps in front of him. “What you need to do is get in bed,” he argues.

Bucky glowers at the floor and pushes past Steve to grab a well-worn blue hooded sweatshirt. “I can’t let people down.” Why doesn’t Steve get that? This is his business he’s talking about. He can’t just not turn up. He really needs to come up with a backup plan for if he’s ever really sick though, he realises. He’s never thought about this and now he feels like an idiot.

“Bucky, you’re literally swaying on your feet. There’s no way I’m letting you go out like this,” Steve continues.

He’s really starting to grate on Bucky’s nerves. “Well good thing I’m not asking your permission,” he snaps. He yanks the sweatshirt over his head and fumbles around looking for some pants, accidently dropping some on the closet floor as he tries to get them. He leans down to pick them up and feels lightheaded and almost falls as his head spins and then he feels strong arms around him.

“That’s it, there you go,” Steve’s voice says softly as Bucky tries to not throw up again.

When he can focus he finds Steve’s guided him to sit on the bed and is already pulling back the covers.

He sighs and tries to get to his feet. “Dammit, Steve, I said I’m fine! Just go home!” He doesn’t need Steve babying him. He’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself. That’s why he didn’t call his mother after the first two hours of throwing up. He can handle this.

He looks over and sees Steve’s frozen for a moment, jaw clenched. But then he starts yanking at the covers again. “No,” he states, voice tight. “You want to be a jerk, fine, but I’m a medical professional and you are going to listen to me. Now get in bed.”

Bucky swallows. He’s never heard Steve mad before. His voice isn’t unkind, but it’s resolved and commanding and Bucky realises that arguing back will probably just make Steve madder but won’t change his mind. Still, he sits there and doesn’t move.

Steve sighs and lets go of the bedcovers. “I’m gonna go get you some water and a bowl in case you need to throw up again,” he says, softer now.

Bucky watches him go. He moves so he’s leaning back against the headboard, but not actually in bed yet, just giving himself a minute to rest.

Steve gives him an annoyed little glare when he discovers this as he comes in with a plastic bowl from under Bucky’s sink where he keeps cleaning supplies, with a glass of water in his other hand. “Did you think I was kidding?” he asks as he sets down the water and puts the bowl on the floor.

“No,” Bucky replies, a little more grumpily than he means to. He forces himself to soften his tone. “But what about Papaya and Trinity? I know my job’s just dog walking and not all fancy like your job, but it’s important.”

Steve’s eyes soften a little. “I know it’s important. I’ll walk ‘em, Buck, it’s not a problem.”

Bucky frowns. “I can’t ask you to do that.” He doesn’t need Steve bailing him out. This is his problem to deal with.

Steve rolls his eyes. He’s never seen Steve do that before either. “You didn’t ask, I’m offering.”

“But it’s my responsibility, I don’t need anyone doing things for me,” Bucky can’t help complaining forcefully back.

“Yeah, well I’m your boyfriend, not just anyone, and you don’t have a say in it,” Steve states just as forcefully, very matter-of-fact.

The thing is, even though they talked a little about the term boyfriends, Bucky never did confirm it. “But—”

“I swear to god, Bucky, if you don’t get in that bed properly in the next five seconds…”

Bucky gives in. Steve looks like he’ll have literal steam coming out his ears any moment and while Bucky sort of wants to see that, he can admit to himself now that he really, really does feel like shit. He wiggles over slowly and pulls the covers over himself. “Jesus, fine, are you happy?” he grumbles.

Steve doesn’t answer. “Addresses?” he says instead.

“Huh?”

“For the dogs,” Steve sighs in exasperation.

Bucky decides not to argue anymore. He gestures towards his bedside table. “Phone. Notes.”

Steve brings it to him and Bucky unlocks it with his thumb and then Steve looks through it. “Right, emailed that to mine,” he says as he hands the phone back. “Now how long have you been throwing up?”

Bucky frowns at him again but tells him as Steve goes into full paramedic mode, asking him about his symptoms and how he’s feeling.

“Sounds like a stomach bug,” he says sympathetically when he’s finished with his questions.

Bucky nods as he settles back against the pillows, staying mostly upright, because lying down right now makes him feel ill. He shuts his eyes. He’s exhausted and his whole body is kind of aching. He sort of babbles about Trinity and Papaya, giving Steve instructions as best he can as he hears Steve moving around.

There’s a hand at his head, stroking across his forehead. It feels nice and cool and he leans into it a little bit. “You sleep,” he hears Steve murmuring before he truly falls asleep.

****

Bucky’s sickness bug thankfully only lasts for a day, or at least, he doesn’t throw up after that first day. He still feels rough as hell though and spends most of his time the next day sleeping. Sometimes when he wakes up, his mom is there. Other times, it’s Steve. He guesses they must have coordinated between themselves. Which means Steve probably went through his phone for his parents’ number when he’d unlocked it before.

He wants to be mad, but it’s like all the fight’s gone out of him. He doesn’t bother asking his mom about it. Instead he just feels relieved that someone’s looking after him and Epsi.

When he wakes on the third morning, he’s feeling more human. He stumbles out of bed to find Steve asleep on his couch, all scrunched up, because it’s not big enough for him. Sox is lying directly next to him on the floor and Epsi’s in her dog bed by the window and Bucky realises Steve probably kept them out his room so he could sleep. Bucky’s heart might swell three sizes looking at the picture before him. Steve stayed and slept on his couch so he could look after him. His boyfriend (Bucky swallows down a gulp) stayed to take care of him.

Bucky makes his way to the bathroom before he can start crying in the living room. He manages to hold himself together as he takes a shower that feels like heaven, spending twice the time he usually would and he feels mostly human as he steps out, wrapping a towel round his waist.

When he heads back out, Steve’s awake, just about sitting up and rubbing at his eyes. “Hey, you’re up, how’re you feeling?”

“Better,” Bucky nods. “You stayed.”

Steve huffs a little. “Of course I did. I mean, yesterday I had to work, but your mom came over, I don’t know if you were awake for that, and then I came back here.”

Bucky nods and then shivers a little.

Steve notices. “Oh hey, go get some clothes on before you get sick again,” he says with a little concerned frown.

“Okay,” Bucky agrees, feeling all kinds of warm for Steve right now.

He gets dressed in clean but comfy sweats and even blow-dries his hair when usually he’d just leave it to air dry, so he’s warm, clean and feeling so, so much better.

When he goes back to the living room, Steve’s made coffee that he must have brought with him, because Bucky doesn’t have coffee, and there’s another mug next to it.

“I made you some hot water with lemon,” he explains, nodding at the mug. “And I fed the dogs.”

Bucky noticed that. They’re both over at their bowls scoffing down their food in the kitchen.

He heads over to the couch to sit next to Steve, lifting the mug from the table. “Thanks.” He’s suddenly reminded of what a jackass he was to Steve and he feels horrible and awkward. “Was everything okay with Trinity and Papaya?” he asks softly, because he has to.

Steve nods, taking a sip of his coffee. “It was fine. I walked them and then your dad walked them yesterday when I was at work.”

“He did?” Bucky frowns.

“Yeah. And before you get mad, I’m sorry I called them without asking, but you were dead to the world and I couldn’t find anyone to switch shifts with me at the last minute, so I figured they were the best people to call. And maybe that means you’re mad at me, but you needed help and they care so much about you, you know.” He says it softly, but Bucky knows how much he fucked up. He’s not mad that Steve called them. He’s mad at himself that Steve was put in the position that he had to call them.

He puts his mug down and turns to Steve. “I-I’m really sorry,” he starts shakily. “I was feeling like shit and I just…I was a dick for no reason and I’m sorry I was so horrible to you when you were only trying to take care of me.”

Steve puts his mug down too. “You weren’t horrible, you were just…difficult,” Steve settles on with a small smile that doesn’t really reach his eyes.

“I was a jackass,” Bucky states, appreciating Steve’s attempt to be kind to him, but not allowing it this time. “I just…” He sighs and looks at his lap. “You weren’t…When I got back,” he finally settles on the words, “I needed people to do everything for me. My mom did everything for me, my dad too, and I just…I hated it,” he admits. “I mean, they had to help me just getting dressed, for months. And I just…” He pauses and lets out a breath, looking away. “I don’t like feeling like I need help.”

“You know people don’t help you because you need it,” Steve says. “They do it because they love you. And we all could use some help sometimes, Buck.”

Bucky sighs and leans back against the couch cushions. “Yeah, I know,” he murmurs. He knows his parents love him, he just still finds it hard to accept help sometimes. “I really am sorry,” he adds. “And thank you for taking care of me and Epsi.”

Steve’s whole face softens. “Anytime, Buck.” He gazes at Bucky for a few moments and then takes a big sip of coffee. “Ugh, I better get going,” he grimaces, standing up.

“Going?” Bucky frowns.

“Yeah, got work today,” Steve reminds him.

Bucky’s mouth drops open. “But you stayed on the couch all night,” he utters.

Steve gives him a little amused look. “Well yeah, couldn’t be in there with you and I didn’t want to leave you alone all night.”

“But you can’t have slept well,” Bucky protests, following Steve as he heads to the bathroom where he splashes cold water on his face and somehow still looks radiant. He feels awful about Steve going to work tired when he has such a stressful and physical job.

“It’s fine, I have coffee to get me through,” Steve jokes as they head back to the living room. “C’mon, Sox,” he calls.

Bucky frowns as Sox follows. “Hey, why don’t you leave Sox here with me?”

Steve pauses in putting his jacket on. “Really?”

“Of course. I’m just gonna go get him later anyway. We can have a fun day together.” It’s the least Bucky can do for Steve.

“Okay, thanks,” Steve agrees easily. He leans down and pets Sox, murmuring something about him being good and staying here. “I’ll pop back here after my shift,” he says as he stands back up.

Bucky nods. “Have a good day.” He steps forward and wraps his arms around Steve.

Steve seems almost surprised for a moment before hugging him back, not as tightly as usual, but Bucky figures that’s probably because he’s worried about Bucky still recovering. As they break apart, Steve leans in and kisses him softly on the cheek. “Don’t do anything too strenuous,” he warns. “Just the one main walk.”

Bucky rolls his eyes despite himself. “Promise.”

Steve shoves his fingers into Bucky’s side, tickling him, making him gasp and twist away. “Be a good boy,” he says, looking over at Sox. “You too, Sox,” he adds with a smirk.

Bucky stares at him open mouthed as Steve lets himself out. “Rude, Steve!” he calls after him, Steve chuckling as he heads to his car. “Rude!”

****

Bucky opens the door with excitement when Steve knocks that evening. He’s been thinking about him all day and he goes to launch himself at Steve, but Sox and then Epsi get in the way, shoving their faces against his legs first.

Steve laughs and crouches down. “Hey guys, did you miss me, I missed you, oh yes I did,” he murmurs in a baby voice, as Epsi makes a funny little chuffing noise at him.

Bucky frowns as Steve pushes the door shut behind him and then turns his attention back to the dogs. “Um, hello?” he pouts.

Steve looks up, eyes sparkling. “Feeling left out?” he grins.

“Uh, yeah,” Bucky says without really meaning to.

Steve’s grin softens into something else. “Aw, Buck, you know you’re my favourite human, right?” He straightens up, hand finding Bucky’s cheek as he presses a kiss to the other one, while Bucky still scowls a little. He pulls back and gives Bucky a sweet smile. “Thanks for taking care of Sox.”

Bucky smiles in surprise. “You don’t have to thank me for that. After everything you did—”

“I’m still thanking you,” Steve cuts in.

Bucky crosses his arms over his chest. “Isn’t it…I mean, isn’t that just what boyfriends do?” he manages to say, words only a tiny bit quiet. It’s the first time he’s acknowledged that that’s what they are. He doesn’t know if Steve’s noticed that until a little smile creeps onto Steve’s face.

“Yeah, good ones do,” Steve replies, and he seems to be kind of glowing now as he gazes at Bucky.

Bucky can feel himself getting redder by the second, so he moves forward and buries his face in Steve’s shoulder, hugging him.

Steve holds him back and strokes his hair. It feels amazing and safe and warm. So okay, he has a boyfriend. If this is what that means then it’s pretty damn excellent. He can forget his hang-ups for this.

“I was gonna cook,” Bucky mumbles against him. “But I was tired so I didn’t go to the grocery store, so I ordered take-out instead. That okay?”

Steve hums against him. “Sounds great, thanks, Buck.”

“You wanna shower and put something comfy on?” Bucky offers as he pulls back. “I found some stuff that might fit you and left it on the bed.” He’d spent most of the day slowly tidying up, stripping his bed, doing laundry and airing out the house, wanting to get rid of any remaining sick feeling lingering about the place.

Steve gives him a little look of wonder. “That sounds amazing,” he nods, and Bucky realises he’d just kind of assumed Steve would want to stay without actually asking, but it seems Steve’s perfectly happy with that idea.

By the time Steve comes back out wearing Bucky’s sweats, the pizza has just arrived. Bucky figured bread and cheese would be pretty plain considering he’s only eaten crackers and toast for a couple of days. His mouth is practically watering as he opens the box and dishes out the slices.

He heads over to the couch where Steve has settled and curls up next to him, passing him a plate over, flicking the TV on. It’s the very picture of domesticity and Bucky settles into it with happiness, pulling his blanket over their legs as they eat.

“This is really nice,” Steve comments later, when they’ve eaten and are now just curled up, watching a nature show about Birds of Paradise and the funny little mating dances they do. His arm is wrapped round Bucky’s shoulder and his hand is stroking up and down absentmindedly.

Bucky’s been hyper aware of it for ages, leaning into the touch, his head on Steve’s shoulder now. “Mmm,” he agrees. It is nice. He’s been using this time to sneak glances at Steve’s pretty face too, looking in wonder at the way his eyelashes are so long they practically graze his cheekbones and how his mouth is always so pinky-red looking, like he’s just been kissed. And he’s Bucky’s _boyfriend_. Bucky’s boyfriend is that damn handsome and no one else gets to have him. Just Bucky.

“Why’re you staring at me?” Steve murmurs with amusement.

Bucky blinks to see Steve’s staring back at him. “Your eyelashes are really long,” he blurts, having been caught out.

Steve lets out a surprised little huff of air. “Yeah? Women tell me that a lot. Always say they’re jealous.”

Bucky would bet that’s not the only thing they notice about Steve. His hand reaches up, apparently of it’s own accord and his finger very gently ghosts over Steve’s lashes as he closes his eyes.

“Pretty,” Bucky murmurs dumbly as he moves his hand back and Steve’s eyes flutter open again. They’re really close up and Bucky can’t help looking at those gorgeous lips of Steve’s now. He leans in and steals a kiss and it’s like some sort of floodgate opens. He kisses Steve again, sucking on his bottom lip a little as Steve makes a surprised but happy little noise.

Bucky moves, swinging his leg over so he’s straddling Steve’s lap and then gets his hands on that face again and draws him in for more kisses, more intense and deeper now.

He’s already half hard and Steve making little breathy noises isn’t doing anything to stop that. Steve’s big hands are gripping his waist now and Bucky grinds down against him, feeling Steve harden underneath him. Bucky moans in approval. He feels like he’s missed Steve even though he hasn’t been anywhere.

Steve’s hands shift, sliding down to grab onto Bucky’s ass, making Bucky jolt but then grind down harder. He’s noticed Steve seems to have a thing about his ass, always getting his hands on it. He can’t say he minds. Steve’s mouth leaves his and Bucky outright whimpers, but then Steve’s kissing down his neck and Bucky forgets what his complaint was because damn does that feel amazing.

Then Steve sucks down and Bucky lets out a loud gasp that turns into a groan and then there’s a loud howling noise.

Bucky startles and Steve jumps and they turn to see Epsi there, apparently trying to join in with their noises.

“Oh my god,” Bucky says slowly, mortified, while Steve breaks into laughter. Epsi seems to be set on endlessly embarrassing him during moments like this.

“I guess she was feeling left out,” Steve comments, eyes sparkling with mirth.

Bucky frowns. “She’s about to be.” He clambers off Steve and heads for the kitchen, adjusting himself in his pants as he goes, finding treats for Epsi and Sox, who’s apparently the good dog in the house and is just lying happily in Epsi’s dog bed in the corner.

He leaves them with their treats and then makes sure the front door’s locked and then returns to Steve, who’s watching him curiously from the couch.

Bucky holds his hand out. “Up,” he commands.

Steve’s forehead creases in confusion, but he takes Bucky’s hand and lets himself be pulled up. Bucky pulls him along to his bedroom, where he shuts the door behind them and quickly flicks on the lamp on his dresser. Then he pushes Steve up against the door a little, before resuming their kisses.

“Mmm, Buck,” Steve mumbles as best he can between kisses, as Bucky’s hands find the bottom of Steve’s borrowed top and set to work getting it off.

Bucky gets the annoying clothing item out the way with Steve’s help as he lifts his arms and then Bucky yanks his own shirt over his head and then presses against Steve again, this time skin on skin. Steve’s so firm and so warm, it feels amazing.

Steve gets to work on his neck again, while Bucky groans his approval, and Bucky’s wandering hands find their way to the waistband of Steve’s also borrowed sweatpants and starts getting them off as well, along with the boxer-briefs underneath.

“Mmm, you,” Steve complains as he unlatches from Bucky’s neck and steps out of the pants.

Bucky obliges, and then they’re both naked, and Bucky can’t help but take in that view again. He thinks he could see Steve naked a hundred times and still be awed every time.

“Fuck,” Steve breathes out, apparently gazing at Bucky in much the same way. “Buck, you’re so gorgeous it’s like I forget every time just how perfect you are.”

Usually that sort of compliment would make Bucky feel shy. Right now, it only makes him more confident. He steps closer again and wraps his hand round Steve’s cock where it’s standing proud, erect and leaking at the tip. It’s all hot and perfect in his hand. “I want you,” he murmurs, stepping backwards carefully towards the bed.

Steve lets himself be led, literally by his dick, to the bed. “Want me like _want me_ , want me?” Steve asks, eyes going wide.

Bucky nods firmly. “Please?” he asks somewhat more breathily than he meant to as the back of his legs bump into the mattress.

“I…fuck…” Steve looks both thrilled and confused. “I…how do you wanna, I mean…who…?” he babbles as Bucky lets go of him and runs his hands up Steve’s giant biceps.

“I wanna ride you,” Bucky tells him, the decision made in a second, as he meets Steve’s eyes. “That okay with you?”

Steve nods shakily. “I…fuck, yes, that’s, uh, very okay with me.”

“Good,” Bucky replies, and then he pulls Steve round and pushes him onto the bed.

“Jesus,” Steve hisses out as he bounces a little, eyes wide.

“Two seconds,” Bucky tells him, disappearing out the room to the bathroom, because firstly, that’s where he stupidly left the brand new box of condoms he bought in a fit of wishful thinking, and secondly, he needs to freshen up a little if this is really finally happening.

He hurries back to his bedroom when he’s ready, making sure the door is firmly shut so there are no embarrassing dog incidents, before grabbing some other important supplies from his bedside table, and then clambers over Steve, settling over his thighs. He clicks off the cap of the lube.

“Wait,” Steve stops him.

Bucky frowns a little, pausing. “What’s wrong?” He tries not to let a barrage of negative thoughts enter his brain.

Steve looks concerned. “I just…you’ve been ill, are you sure you’re feeling up for this? Cause we can wait, it’s fine, I don’t want you to over exert yourself so soon after—”

Bucky feels instant relief and shuts him up by leaning over and kissing him. “I’m pretty sure I’m feeling _up_ for this,” he jokes as he pulls back, looking down at where his dick is hard as rock and angry pink and dying to be touched.

Steve rolls his eyes. “I’m serious, I—”

“I feel fine, I promise,” Bucky rolls his eyes back. “Stop killing the mood.” He pauses for a moment. “I mean unless you don’t want to?” the nagging thought enters his head.

Apparently that’s not at all what Steve means. He gets a hand on Bucky’s neck and yanks him down for an intense kiss, their cocks pressing against each other, making Bucky moan in delight.

Then Steve rolls them and Bucky finds himself pinned under Steve. “Steve…what…?” he breathes out, a little stunned.

Steve takes the lube bottle from his hand. “Can I…?” he asks, somewhat shyly.

Bucky nods a little shakily, biting his lip. That’s not something he likes other people doing to him, somehow feeling almost more intimate than actual sex, but he trusts Steve. He’s pretty sure he’ll let Steve do anything he wants, because he’s so happy this is finally happening and it just feels right. Still, he can’t help but feel a little self-conscious as Steve guides him to bend his knees.

Steve proves to be as incredible as always though, because he leans in to kiss Bucky again, and then keeps his eyes on his face or leans in to kiss his knee as he slicks up his fingers.

Bucky still jolts when Steve’s hand trails past his balls though.

“I’m gonna go real slow, okay,” Steve murmurs, other hand stroking Bucky’s leg.

Bucky nods a little shakily. And Steve means it. He goes maddeningly slow, fingers teasing for ages, making Bucky shiver. He clearly knows that under Bucky’s horniness, he’s also nervous and every move Steve makes seems to be to help him relax and get used to the situation. And it works. Bucky finds himself calming down and less self-conscious as Steve gently strokes. Finally he presses in, just a little.

Bucky sucks in a breath. Doesn’t really realise he’s holding it until he hears Steve speak.

“Breathe, beautiful,” he murmurs.

Bucky does as he lets Steve’s little endearment wash over him. Steve thinks he’s beautiful. He feels Steve’s finger go a little deeper, but he makes himself relax, still thinking about Steve’s words. He’s not felt beautiful in a very long time, if ever. He supposes that’s got something to do with losing his arm, though he’s never examined it too deeply. He’s just felt so closed off and small for so long, like no one notices him and that’s the way he likes it. But Steve sees him and he thinks he’s beautiful. And Bucky tries to let himself believe it.

He lets himself float off a little, thinking about how Steve looks at him, only really coming back to himself when Steve eases a second finger inside. He’s gentle about it, but there’s still a burn and Bucky lets out a sharp breath that he doesn’t really mean to.

Steve’s hand stills. “You okay? Want me to stop?” he checks as Bucky meets his eyes.

Bucky shakes his head. He rests his head back against the pillow again. “No, it’s good, it’s…keep going.”

Steve does. Gently and slowly until it finally stops feeling uncomfortable and starts feeling a little nice. And then even nicer when Steve’s fingers graze his prostate. That gets Bucky letting out a shocked gasp.

“Feeling good?” Steve checks, but clearly he knows it does, because there’s a little pleased look on his face.

“Mmm,” Bucky murmurs back. “Three.”

Steve smiles softly. “No rush, we’ll get there.” He goes back to moving his fingers gently, rubbing over that spot occasionally, working Bucky up. Bucky’s getting all sweaty now and breathing heavily. “Mmm, doing so good,” Steve praises.

Bucky lets his eyes close so he can just let the feelings carry him away. This part of sex has never been like this before either. It’s always been as quick as possible, perfunctory, a task to get to a different goal, but Steve makes him realise this is something to enjoy in itself. He’s not just getting Bucky ready, Bucky knows Steve’s enjoying making him feel good this way too. He remembers to breathe as Steve finally adds a third finger, but still moves so slowly. It sort of feels like time is melting away until finally Steve speaks again.

“What do you think, Buck, do you need more?” he asks, still gently thrusting his fingers inside Bucky.

Bucky comes back to himself a little and shakes his head. He feels relaxed, even though he’s all worked up now too, and he’s ready, as Steve carefully pulls his fingers free. Bucky pulls himself to sitting, stretching out his legs as he remembers what he asked Steve for.

Steve’s biting his lip as he watches Bucky move.

“Lie back,” Bucky requests softly as he locates the box of condoms and wet wipes, getting to his knees and turning round.

Steve does as he’s told, lying back where Bucky had just been lying, and Bucky quickly wipes his fingers off for him, before he grabs the other item.

Bucky’s stupid hands shake a little as he gets a condom out and rolls it down Steve’s length to the point that Steve wraps his hand over Bucky’s to steady him when it’s on.

“We don’t have to do this now,” he says softly, searching Bucky’s face.

Bucky wills himself to stop shaking. “No, I…fuck…” He’s so annoyed with himself. “I want this…I just…fuck,” he bites out, feeling like he’s close to ruining everything.

“Hey, c’mere,” Steve gestures and Bucky lets himself get pulled up close as Steve sits up. He trails his hand down Bucky’s torso, the other gently stroking his jaw. “What’s going on?” he asks gently.

Bucky avoids his eyes. “Steve,” he almost whimpers out. “It’s just been a really long time, like really long,” he admits.

Steve uses his hand to coax Bucky into looking at him. “For me too,” he promises, looking into Bucky’s eyes. He presses his lips to Bucky’s in a gentle kiss before gazing at him again. “If you’re sure about this, we’ll just take it slow together, okay? I swear, I’m probably feeling just what you’re feeling right now.”

Bucky nods, allowing himself to believe that. “Okay,” he breathes out.

Steve looks at him so tenderly, eyes studying his face. “God, I know I probably tell you this too much, but you are so stunning, Buck.”

They’re so up close now, their noses are almost touching. “You are too,” Bucky manages, because Steve should really know that, even though there’s no way he doesn’t know that already. But even so, he somehow gets a bashful look from Steve.

Bucky moves his hands to wrap round Steve’s strong back, feeling those firm shoulder blades, and leans in to kiss him. It somehow calms him down while also getting him back to full hardness and getting him excited all over again. He revels in it, letting the kisses get open mouthed and wetter and then he presses Steve back into the bed again as he straddles him.

Bucky pulls back, resting his hands against Steve’s chest, gently running his fingertips over his nipples as Steve lets out a tiny gasp. The way Steve reacts to his touch gives him more confidence and he knows he’s ready for this now, momentary freak out over.

He reaches back to grip Steve’s sheathed cock and lifts his hips.

Steve grabs the lube and adds more slick quickly as they share a moment of eye contact, of silent permission, and then Bucky presses down, Steve’s hands gripping Bucky’s hips hard as he lets out another gasp as Bucky carefully eases onto his cock.

It’s a lot. Bucky has to pause to give himself time to adjust as he slowly takes Steve’s cock inside. He lets go of the breath he didn’t realise he was holding as he finally makes his way down flush against Steve, eyes fluttering shut.

Steve, for his part, is gripping Bucky’s hips so hard he’ll probably leave marks, but he’s stayed perfectly still, letting Bucky control the pace. He lets out a choked out groan of his own. “Fuck,” he chokes out, hands tightening their hold. “You okay, Buck?”

Bucky’s giving himself a minute to adjust to the feeling of fullness, of how Steve’s more than generous proportions mean his cock is pressed up right against his prostate, the heat of it, and how there’s a little pain, but it’s fading to just feeling amazing. “’m good,” he manages, wiggling his hips just slightly, testing.

Steve hisses a little. “You feel incredible.”

“So do you,” Bucky replies, a little dreamily as he gets used to this sensation again. He leans forward, opening his eyes as he gasps a little at the feeling of Steve’s cock moving inside him, so he can reach Steve’s lips, kissing him languidly.

One of Steve’s hands moves, to sweep back Bucky’s hair from his face as they kiss, and then Bucky starts moving as they break apart.

Steve lets out a surprised grunt as Bucky lifts himself. He keeps the pace slow and steady, pressing his hands against Steve’s chest for leverage, sliding up slowly to the head of Steve’s cock and then back down, testing the friction.

“Oh…” Bucky can’t help the surprised noises coming out of him as he does that. Steve feels so good inside him. “Oh god,” Bucky breathes out, eyes closing again.

Steve’s hands are still at his hips again, squeezing tightly. He’ll probably have little finger-shaped bruises, and he loves it.

Bucky rides him slowly, enjoying every sensation as his body relaxes until all there is is pleasure. His whole body feels warm and loose as he finally speeds up a little. He’s not nervous anymore. He wishes they’d been doing this the whole time.

“God…” Steve groans, and Bucky opens his eyes to see Steve watching him, pleasure on his face.

“You good?” Bucky checks even as he starts bouncing harder.

“So good, Buck, goddamn…” Steve replies, gritting his teeth.

“I feel good?” Bucky asks with a little naughty smile, moving his right hand to wrap around his own neglected cock and giving it a few strokes, and god, does that feel nice, so many sensations everywhere.

“Feel so good, so tight and hot,” Steve babbles back. “Can feel every inch of you squeezing me,” he lets out a grunt, “so perfect.” His fingers squeeze even tighter and Bucky can see the self-control it’s taking for him not to piston his hips up.

Bucky keeps bouncing on him, getting faster now. “You wanna fuck me harder, don’t you?” he asks teasingly through choked breaths, unsure where all this newfound confidence has come from. It must be from the way Steve’s looking at him, like he’s a revelation.

Steve lets out a little whimper. “N-no, you’re amazing.”

Bucky doesn’t believe that. Or at least part of it. “C’mon sweetheart, you can move your hips, it’s okay. You’re not gonna hurt me.”

Steve’s face goes all soft and adoring. “Y-you sure?” he manages as Bucky thrusts down particularly hard.

“Yeah,” Bucky breathes out, circling his hips a little.

Apparently that’s all Steve needs to hear. He lurches up, causing Bucky to let out a surprised squeak, and wraps his arms round Bucky, holding him close to his chest.

“Oh, fuck…” Bucky moans out as his cock gets pressed into Steve’s chiselled abs and Steve mouths at his shoulder with Bucky in his lap and then thrusts up.

Bucky outright squeals and grabs onto Steve for dear life, hands wrapping around his back, as Steve pistons upwards, hitting Bucky’s spot every time. “Holy f—”

Bucky doesn’t get far with his cursing. Steve lifts his head and gets Bucky’s bottom lip between his, sucking, before crushing Bucky’s head to his in an uncoordinated but passionate kiss.

Bucky loves it. They’re so wrapped up together, Bucky’s hands pressed against the strong muscle of Steve’s back, breathing in the combined smell of Steve and sex that’s permeating the room as they break the kiss, both panting heavily, Steve pressing his face into Bucky’s shoulder now. Bucky’s bouncing a little in Steve’s lap now, meeting his thrusts, and he can feel himself getting close. Frankly he’s surprised he’s lasted this long when it’s been years.

Steve tangles his fingers of one hand in Bucky’s hair as the other presses against Bucky’s ass, pushing Bucky into every thrust, getting his cock deeper. There’s sweat dripping down between the two of them and all Bucky can hear is panting and moans and Steve swearing every other thrust or so. It’s all heat and sweat and feeling so, so close to Steve it’s unreal, loving how Steve is practically crushing them together like he can’t get close enough.

Bucky digs his fingers into Steve’s back without meaning to, eyes closing as pleasure overtakes him. “Oh fuck, oh, Steve, ‘m gonna, oh god…”

Steve moans into his neck where he’s now sucking bruises into Bucky’s skin, sending little zings of sensation all over Bucky’s body, and just fucks Bucky harder.

“Fuck, oh fuck, fuck, fuck,” Bucky all but screeches and then he’s coming, ass clenching around Steve’s huge cock, as his own cock spurts between them all but untouched.

“Oh, oh god…” Steve’s words come out choked as he clutches Bucky tight and rolls them so Bucky’s on his back. He thrusts hard and fast as Bucky spasms around him and then his whole body goes tight before he comes too, collapsing down on Bucky with a low groan.

Bucky feels like he’s in a daze as reality comes back to him. His whole body felt that. It had to be the most intense orgasm of his life. He feels Steve pull out of him gently, rolling to the side slightly, hears the somewhat gross noise of the condom hitting his bin, and then a moment later, Steve’s head is pressed against his.

Neither of them says anything for a while as they just seem to lie there in bliss, waiting for their breathing to regulate. Bucky’s legs feel like jelly. He’ll be surprised if he can walk properly tomorrow without aching.

When he feels like he can finally speak, he glances over at Steve. He’s staring at the ceiling looking just as dumbstruck as Bucky feels.

“So…was that okay?” Bucky asks, breaking their blissful silence.

Steve sputters, a laugh bubbling up. “Was that _okay_?” he repeats, turning to look at Bucky, with an incredulous look on his face.

Bucky can’t keep the smile on his face down.

Steve all but launches himself at him, peppering Bucky’s face with kisses. “Was that okay, he asks,” Steve mumbles as Bucky squawks in protest. “I think you know that was fucking incredible.”

Bucky practically giggles despite himself. “Okay, yeah, I might have some idea,” he admits as Steve tickles him into submission.

Steve looks very pleased with himself as he drops back to lying next to Bucky. “ _Okay_ ,” he repeats, making a ‘pfft’ noise afterwards.

Bucky chuckles and reaches over to heave the covers over Steve. “You stay here,” he commands, as Steve looks at him a little surprised and bemused.

He gets up on shaky legs and makes a quick trip to the bathroom to clean up a little, then checks on the dogs and turns off the lights before returning to the bedroom, leaving the door ajar in case the dogs want to come in. Then he flicks off the lamp, and Steve lifts the covers for him and Bucky snuggles up to him.

Steve tangles their fingers together and they lie there, Bucky listening to Steve’s steady breathing. It’s everything the word perfect should mean. Bucky thinks the dictionary should have some sort of visual representation of this moment between them to illustrate what perfect is.

He’s just drifting off when Steve mumbles something. “Hmm?” he asks sleepily.

“I just asked, have you ever been in love?” Steve repeats softly.

Bucky huffs out a sleepy laugh. “No,” he murmurs with deep amusement.

Steve hums in acknowledgement.

The room falls silent again, and Bucky finds himself drifting off again.

“Buck?” Steve’s voice breaks through his haze again, he’s not sure how much later.

“Mm,” he murmurs sleepily, barely awake now, snuggling deeper into the bedcovers.

“I think I’m in love with you.”

Bucky’s eyes snap open. Luckily in the dark and how he’s got his head pillowed into Steve’s shoulder, Steve can’t see that. He has no idea what to say. Steve can’t possibly mean that. It’s just his sex brain talking. He stays still and tries to breathe evenly as panic overtakes him.

He’s almost certain Steve knows he’s not asleep. Almost certain he knows Bucky knows he knows that. But Bucky lies there and pretends and Steve doesn’t say anything else.

His mind races for hours. He barely gets any sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh nooos 🤭 
> 
> Would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter 😁 And LOVE you all so much for your comments so far, thank you millions 💜 Stay safe x


	15. Chapter 15

Bucky awakes to the smell of bacon and eggs and a bed that’s half emptier than it was when he fell asleep. He pulls himself out of bed slowly, noticing how his muscles have a little ache to them, along with other places, and then he remembers.

Steve told him he loved him last night. Or that he thinks he does. Steve said that and then Bucky pretended to be sleeping.

Bucky has to assume the food smell isn’t Epsi cooking for him, so that means Steve’s still here. The idea of going out there and facing him sort of makes Bucky want to jump out his bedroom window. But then he takes a breath. He’s being ridiculous. Steve probably just said that while all fucked out and full of happy sex hormones. He’s probably going to apologise for it or pretend it didn’t even happen. Bucky hopes the second one. He’s sure he has nothing to worry about.

He lets himself calm down, pulling on some clean boxers and the pants he had on yesterday, finding a black t-shirt to pull on too. He can’t help noticing how he kinda smells like Steve. And sex, if he’s honest. He kinda likes it, which probably makes him gross, but he’s still glowing from yesterday, Steve’s mistake aside, which Bucky’s really sure he’s forgotten about. He’s really sure it’s fine. Even so, he takes a deep breath, and has to force himself to open the bedroom door.

He heads for the kitchen quietly, but Epsi spots him and barks, running over to say good morning. Steve’s head turns to look at him as he fusses over Epsi.

“Hey, did you feed her?” he asks, glancing over at Steve.

Steve shakes his head. “I figured you’d be up and I didn’t want to mess up her schedule. Sox has been waiting too,” he says with a little apologetic smile down at his dog, who looks put out to say the least.

Bucky gives him a grateful look as he stops petting Epsi and heads closer, Epsi butting her head against his legs to lead him to her bowl, probably annoyed at having to wait. “Thanks.” He loves that Steve didn’t just go ahead and feed her, even though he really could have. “I’ll get Sox his too,” he tells Steve, getting a grateful smile in return. He gets to work getting Epsi and Sox their breakfast, glancing over at Steve.

“What are you making?” It’s a pointless question, because he can smell what Steve’s making, but it gives him something to say instead of the silence and the sound of the dogs wolfing down their food.

“Bacon and eggs,” Steve answers easily, flipping bacon in the pan.

Bucky makes a noise of appreciation in response.

When Bucky’s finished pouring them some fresh water, Steve reaches a hand out, the one that isn’t holding a spatula. “Hey, c’mere.”

Bucky moves closer, feeling a little nervous, but all Steve does is lean in to press a kiss against his cheek. “Mornin’.”

Bucky forces a little smile back. “I’ll, um, grab dishes and stuff,” he tells Steve, feeling stupidly shaky. Which is just dumb. Last night was incredible and he just needs to calm down. Everything is fine. He pulls himself together and pours them each a glass of juice.

When everything’s ready, they sit together on Bucky’s couch and have breakfast, and Bucky remembers Steve’s not working today. And Steve’s not bringing up the careless word slip from yesterday, so he figures maybe everything _is_ just fine and allows himself to relax a little more. And it’s nice, having breakfast together. Bucky’s previous sexual encounters have usually ended with pants being zipped up and walking away straight after. This morning after thing is new to him, but he’s not complaining about having breakfast made for him.

“So, you gonna help me walk the dogs today?” Bucky asks, having thanked Steve profusely for breakfast as he gathers their empty plates and takes them to the sink.

“Sounds good,” Steve agrees easily.

That’ll be nice. It’s always fun when Steve can come with them or he meets them in the park. Bucky’s pretty sure Papaya likes Steve more than him anyway. “Do you want anything else to drink?” Bucky asks. He really should start buying coffee if Steve’s going to be staying over, he thinks as he looks through his cupboards. He needs to go grocery shopping soon too.

“I’m good, thanks,” Steve calls back. “Hey, come back over here,” he adds gently.

Bucky hesitates, closing the cupboard door, looking over at Steve. He can’t help but wonder why Steve wants him over there and nerves flood him again. “Um, okay,” he says, because he can’t exactly say no.

He goes back over to the couch and sits down and Steve turns to face him. Bucky tries to keep his face neutral and calm.

“So last night was pretty incredible,” Steve starts.

Oh thank god, he wants to talk about the sex. Bucky’s so relieved. He gives Steve a somewhat naughty grin. “Yeah it was.” He can’t quite get over how incredible. Hands down, he knows it was the best sex he’s ever had, though he’s totally not telling Steve that. But it really was amazing. Bucky’s never really felt close to another person like that before. He has a rather graphic sex flashback and finds himself reaching out to grip Steve’s delicious bicep with his right hand, pulling him in to a kiss, thinking maybe they could go another round right now. He moans a little against Steve’s lips, loving their softness against his, but Steve breaks the kiss after a few seconds.

He looks kind of conflicted as he gazes at Bucky. “So, um, I said something yesterday,” Steve states.

Bucky blinks at him and tries not to panic, arousal suddenly frozen. “Um, you did?” He pushes his hair back behind his ear, looking anywhere but at Steve. “What do you—”

“Buck,” Steve cuts him off, tone firm. “Let’s not do this. I know you were awake and I know you heard me.”

Bucky swallows, eyes darting around, avoiding the eye contact he can feel burning into him. “Uh…”

Steve takes his hand and Bucky glances up, seeing Steve’s sweet and concerned face before he darts his eyes away again. “Look, I’m really sorry about that.”

Bucky’s eyes dart back to Steve’s face, somewhat relieved at those words. “Oh,” he breathes out. “Oh,” he says again, a small, only slightly hysterical laugh coming out of him. “So you didn’t mean it.”

Steve frowns a little and he looks sort of hurt. “Um, no. I meant it,” he says firmly, though he looks uncomfortable also. “I just…I didn’t mean to just blurt it out like that when we were half asleep.”

The panic bubbles straight back up. “Oh,” Bucky utters, hand feeling sweaty under Steve’s as he looks away again.

“Bucky,” Steve says his name as a sigh. “Please don’t do that.”

“Do what?” Bucky’s voice comes out all squeaky as he tries to avoid any and all eye contact.

“Um, panic?” Steve answers. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say it back or whatever it is you’re thinking.”

Bucky pulls his hand away. “I’m not…I’m not thinking anything.”

“Would you look at me then?”

Bucky frowns a little and forces himself to look at Steve, attempting to keep his face neutral, but knowing he’s probably not achieving it.

“It doesn’t have to be a big scary thing,” Steve tells him, eyes imploring. “It’s just how I feel and it’s fine if you don’t feel that way about me yet, I’m not going to get upset about it. I know it’s really soon. I mean hopefully you will, one day, but…”

Bucky sort of stops listening as he gets up from the couch, almost through no will of his own. It’s like his body just moves by itself. “Um, I just remembered, I’m supposed to be getting brunch with my parents, so I need to go get ready, and um, you should probably head home, cause Sox probably misses his house, and you need, um, clothes and stuff,” he babbles, as Steve stands up too.

Bucky avoids looking at him at all costs as he moves around the coffee table. “Um, I’m gonna hop in the shower, but, um, don’t wait for me or anything, you can just close the door behind you and it’ll lock,” he continues.

“Buck,” Steve sighs, but Bucky’s too busy hearing his own heartbeat in his ears to really hear him.

“I’ll see you later,” he adds, voice weirdly high-pitched as he escapes to the bathroom, locking himself in. He leans back against the door, heart pounding. He thinks he might be hyperventilating.

“Buck?” he hears Steve say from the other side and he panics and moves to turn the shower on. He thinks he hears a little sigh through the door.

Bucky waits, hoping Steve will go.

“Bucky?” his voice comes softly through the door again. There’s a poignant pause. “Okay,” Steve sighs. “I’m gonna go so you can, I don’t know…process?” He sounds so, so sad, Bucky’s heart hurts hearing him. “I hope you’ll call me later, okay.” It doesn’t have the intonation of a question, but Bucky can hear the longing in the request.

A few minutes later, he hears the front door close. He leans on the sink, trying to calm down, and looks up to see himself in the mirror.

He’s got Steve’s marks on his neck.

****

“God, I hate this job sometimes,” Steve mutters.

His partner, Thor, looks over at him and nods as they climb back into the ambulance. They’ve had two DOAs today. It’s the part of the job that Steve hates.

“It’s not just that bothering you though, is it?” Thor queries, far too perceptive as he starts the engine.

“What do you mean?” Steve mumbles, looking out the window as they head off, waiting for their next call. Thor’s right of course. They’re trained to deal with this sort of thing, and while it’s still hard, Thor’s right. Usually he wouldn’t be affected this much.

“You’ve been down all day. Did something happen?”

Steve sighs a little. “Bucky,” he admits. He doesn’t really want to talk about it, but at the same time he kinda does.

“Ah the glorious Bucky, the apple of your eye, the man you talk about constantly?” Thor grins over at him.

“That’s the one,” Steve sighs and leans back into his seat. He’s aware he’s probably talked too much about Bucky over the past few weeks, but he’s never really able to stop himself. Maybe that’s his problem? He never knows when to shut up. “I told him I love him,” he confesses.

He glances over to see a big smile come over Thor’s face, before he glances at Steve and sees his. “And that’s bad?” Thor infers, a more serious look on his face as he sees Steve’s not happy about it.

“Yes. Or, I mean…no, but…I just…I don’t regret saying it, but it wasn’t planned and I freaked him out and now I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do,” Steve explains, letting out a big breath. Deep down, the next morning, he kinda expected Bucky to panic, if he’s honest with himself. Because he knows Bucky. He’s not an idiot. He just hoped that maybe Bucky would, by some miracle, say it back.

“Freaked out how?” Thor asks.

Steve lets out a sad sigh. “Well, it’s been two days and I haven’t heard from him. I called, but I don’t want to crowd him, but I just…I don’t know what to do.” He really doesn’t. Bucky means the world to him and he’s terrified of losing him, but he’s also terrified of pushing him, because he knows that won’t end well either. But he can’t regret saying those words. Because it wasn’t just some kind of sex brain talking. It was the startling realisation that he could have happily stayed in that bed just holding Bucky basically forever.

“I suppose hearing those words could be a big thing for him?” Thor muses. “Maybe he just needs time to process?”

The fact that he knows that sort of confirms to Steve that he really does talk too much about Bucky to his friends.

Their radio buzzes with their next call and interrupts them for a moment, Steve picking it up and confirming they’re on route as Thor turns the sirens on.

Steve sighs again as he puts the radio back. “I’ve been trying to do what his mom advised, like last time. Just letting him figure stuff out, but letting him know I’m here.” He’s probably grasping at straws, but it was all he could think of to do. If he just shows up at Bucky’s, Bucky will probably run again. But he has no idea if this has scared Bucky too much. What if he doesn’t come back? What if Steve ruined the best thing in his life? And god, he thought he’d been in love before, but he doesn’t believe that now. The way he feels about Bucky is so beyond anything he’s felt for anyone else and they’ve only just started. He doesn’t want to lose that. He can’t. Bucky just…they fit together. They just do. Steve can’t bear the thought that it could be over.

“I wish I could give you better advice, my friend,” Thor says solemnly. “But perhaps you are right. Maybe all you can do is wait. You know he cares for you. I doubt he’ll let something like this keep him away for too long.”

Steve huffs. “I don’t know.” He gazes out the window, resting his chin on his hand. “What if it’s too much for him?” It’s not the first time his emotions have been too overwhelming for someone. But Steve can’t help it. He wears his heart on his sleeve. Always has.

There’s a silence between them and Steve knows it’s because Thor doesn’t know what to say. Because really, neither of them know. Steve wishes he knew what Bucky was thinking right now but he doesn’t.

“Give it a week?” Thor pipes up, tone a lot softer than normal, as Steve glances over at him. “A week and then if you haven’t heard from him, you go and see him. He owes you that much.”

Steve swallows and then nods. “Okay.” He lets out a breath. “A week.” He can do that. If he has to. He just prays the week doesn’t end with Bucky saying goodbye to him. Maybe he really does just need a few days to process and everything will be okay? The worst part is, he can’t even be mad at Bucky for it. He gets where Bucky is coming from and understands the hang-ups he seems to have and he respects that and wants to give him space, if that’s what this is. He just wishes Bucky had been clear and said that, instead of running.

“And we are going out for drinks when shift ends,” Thor adds.

Steve huffs in amusement, a little smile on his face as they pull up to the scene of their next call. He could probably do with one. Or four. “Alright,” he agrees, as he gets out, before yelling back to Thor. “But you’re buying!”

****

“Sounds like you fucked up.”

Bucky frowns at Clint where he’s pouring Bucky a beer in his kitchen. It’s been three days and he hasn’t talked to Steve. Steve’s called a couple of times, but Bucky’s been busy spiralling and ignored his calls even though he feels like the worst kind of scum for doing so.

It’s just he can’t help how he feels. He can’t help the panic that overtook him when Steve said those words to him. He wishes he could just accept it and be happy and maybe even say it back, but he doesn’t know how to be that person. And he’s not the person people fall in love with, for god’s sake. He’s the one-night-stand, the secret, the guy you don’t bring home to meet your parents. Or at least he used to be. Now he’s the cripple, the broken soldier, the guy who tries to stay invisible. Steve’s obviously lost his frickin’ mind.

Okay, he knows maybe that’s not fair. Maybe Steve really does think that’s how he feels about Bucky and while that’s crazy, it’s also kind of wondrous, but also Bucky just doesn’t know how he feels. All he knows is that Steve deserves so much better than a boyfriend who freaks out and ignores him and who’s a big broken mess of anxiety and guilt.

“I didn’t…I mean…” Bucky sputters. “Okay, yeah I did,” he admits. He’s finally calmed down some and Clint invited him over and somehow he ended up blurting the whole thing out to him. It feels weirdly good to talk to someone about it, especially because he definitely can’t talk to his mother about this—he knows she’d be appalled with how he’s treating Steve. He’s appalled with himself.

“So fix it,” Clint states bluntly, checking on the pizza in the oven. They’d actually made their own pizzas tonight, instead of ordering in. If Bucky hadn’t been feeling so bad, it would have been fun, and he automatically thought about how fun it would be to do with Steve. Which made him feel worse.

Bucky lets out a breath. “How?” he huffs. He has no idea what to do here.

“Well, talking to him for one.”

“And what? Tell him I love him?” Bucky scoffs. It’s too crazy. They’re only just coming up to two months of dating. It’s too fast. There’s still so much they don’t know about each other. It’s just too much.

Clint gives him a somewhat disdainful look. “You don’t have to say it back. Sounds like he made that pretty clear.”

Bucky sighs. He knows Steve said that. He just doesn’t really believe that Steve would really be happy with that. How could it not feel like a rejection even if that’s the last thing Bucky wants to do? “I just…how am I even supposed to know that? I’ve never been in love before.” He frowns. “How did you know?” he asks Clint somewhat desperately.

Clint shrugs at him as he turns the pizza round, clanging the oven tray. “I don’t know how to explain it, man, it’s just…you just know. Like with Nat, just everything was better with her around and I knew I’d do anything for her, even over myself.”

Bucky takes that in and feels nerves bubble up again as he recognises the feelings Clint’s talking about. He pushes those thoughts away. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” he lies to himself. “He’ll figure out he can do better soon enough and then he’ll be gone. If he’s not already.”

“Oh my god, do you have some complexes,” Clint exclaims loudly, shaking his head, closing the oven, focusing on Bucky fully.

Bucky glowers a little at him.

“You do!” Clint continues, scoffing at the look on Bucky’s face. “Look, we don’t know each other that well, but I can tell you now, you are not the disaster you seem to think you are.”

Bucky huffs at that. That’s easy for Clint to say. He’s right, they don’t know each other that well. Clint doesn’t know about his stupid broken brain and his anxiety and how he still can’t reconcile what he did in the army and how he’s actually ended people’s lives, no matter the fact that he was supposed to be protecting his country and how ‘bad’ those people supposedly were. How can someone who did all that deserve the love of a man as good and pure-hearted as Steve Rogers, someone who saves people’s lives on a daily basis?

“Oh my god,” Clint groans, looking at Bucky’s face. “Nat!” he screams, making Bucky jump.

Nat walks into the kitchen a few moments later. “What?” she asks, like Clint screaming for her is totally normal.

“Is Bucky an unlovable disaster of a man who all people should avoid?”

“Clint!” Bucky squeaks, embarrassed beyond belief.

Nat looks him up and down. “Mmm, no. I think he’s almost superhumanly attractive and an absolute sweetheart from what I’ve seen.”

Bucky turns bright red and swallows down another squeak.

“It’s okay, she can say that cause I know she loves me most,” Clint grins at her.

“Yep. But, you know, wouldn’t kick you outta bed, Barnes,” Nat confirms, as Bucky buries his face in his hands.

“So Bucky’s boyfriend told him he loves him,” Clint explains to her, while Bucky lifts his head and stares at him in disbelief, regretting his choice to be friends with him. If he even had a choice. Clint just kind of infiltrated his life somehow. “And Bucky freaked out…” Clint continues, “…not because he doesn’t love him back, cause I think we’ve established that he pretty much does or at least is well on his way to…” he raises his eyebrows at Bucky as if challenging him to argue, “…but because he seems to think his boyfriend can and will do better than him.”

Nat rolls her eyes very deliberately. “God, men can be so pathetic.”

“Right?” Clint agrees, apparently not including himself in that comment.

Bucky stands there, mortified, wondering why he thought talking about this with anyone was a good idea. He should grab Epsi, who’s off playing with Lucky in the lounge, and run and never speak to any humans again.

“Stop being all insecure and go and tell your boyfriend you love him,” Nat continues, words almost an order.

Bucky frowns at them both. “But I—”

“Nope,” Nat cuts him off. “I don’t want to hear excuses.” Then her face softens a little. “Look, I can tell you’ve gone through some bad shit. But I can also tell you’ve come out the other side. That tells me you’re brave. So be brave now and don’t sabotage your own happiness. Cause happiness doesn’t come around all that much, believe me, I know.” She glances over at Clint at she says that, fondness in her eyes. “So you’ve gotta be brave again and just let yourself go with it. Isn’t every chance you take better than never taking any chances at all?”

Bucky can’t really argue with that. Nat would probably kick him if he tried anyway. “B-but I freaked out on him,” he says meekly, Nat’s no-nonsense attitude making him feel a little bit like a timid mouse.

Nat shrugs. “It happens.” She looks over at Clint and they smile at each other softly. “When Clint first asked me out, I didn’t say yes. It took him eight tries before I finally gave in. And that wasn’t because I didn’t want to. It was because I had my own issues going on and I didn’t want to bring anyone else into them. Didn’t think I could.”

Bucky watches as Clint gazes at her with pure love in his eyes, a sudden feeling of want taking hold of him. He wants Steve to look at him like that.

“But he waited,” Nat continues. “He thought I was worth it and he didn’t give up on me. And it sounds like your boyfriend is just the same. Like all he wants is to be there for you.” She shrugs. “Even if you don’t feel like you’re in the same place he is just yet, isn’t he worth trying to get there someday instead of giving up?”

Bucky can’t deny that. Steve’s been nothing but patient and sweet with him, even going out of his way to try to understand Bucky. And Bucky’s run away from him twice now. “I-I’ve gotta go see him,” Bucky realises, his insides feeling like he rinsed them with acid as he thinks again about how badly he’s treated Steve. God, he hopes Steve will even talk to him at this point.

Clint breaks into a big smile. “There you go!”

Nat smiles softly. “I think that’s a great idea. Just tell him how you feel, even if you can’t tell him you love him yet. You’ve just gotta be open.”

Bucky hesitates and then moves forward to wrap Nat up in a hug. It’s become more normal, what with hugging and touching Steve all the time, but it still makes him a little nervous, to let himself be close to someone like this. But they deserve it. “Thank you,” he whispers to her, before moving away to give Clint a hug too. “You guys hardly know me and you just…” He really can’t believe how grateful he is to know them.

“You’re our friend,” Nat states, like that’s always been true. “And you’re a really good guy.”

Bucky gives her a grateful look. “I…thank you.” He doesn’t know how she sees that, but he wants it to be true. And it feels so nice, to feel like maybe that’s true, and maybe they are friends and he’s not as alone as he used to be. He turns to Clint, about to apologise about dinner, because he knows he can’t wait to see Steve.

Clint raises his hand to stop him. “I’ll wrap it up, you can have it later,” he grins. “And leave Epsi with us, don’t worry. Don’t want you distracted.”

Bucky figures he’s probably right about Epsi. If he’s having a real honest talk with Steve, it’s probably better they do it alone and he doesn’t use Epsi as some sort of buffer. “Thank you. Really,” Bucky says again, heart already racing a little.

“Now go and talk to that boy of yours,” Nat grins. “And don’t you dare forget to tell us how it goes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise guest Thor! Hope you liked 😊 Up next...talking!
> 
> Your comments make my day, thank you so much for reading and telling me your thoughts, I love hearing them! 
> 
> As always, hope ya'll are staying safe x


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Features top Bucky in case that’s not your thing

Bucky rings Steve’s doorbell just before eight that evening. He does it straight away, as soon as he arrives, refusing to let himself chicken out. He knows Steve should be home from his shift by now.

He waits impatiently, nerves buzzing through him. He’s feeling okay about leaving Epsi with Nat and Clint—he trusts them to look after her—but he’d love her to be with him right now, because she always manages to make him feel calmer. As he waits, he takes a big breath. He can do this. Just like Nat said. He just has to be brave. Steve deserves bravery.

The door opens and there he is. He’s not clean-shaven like usual. There’s a few days worth of stubble on his chin and his hair’s all messy and he looks tired. “I…Buck?” Steve says as he sees him there and a look of surprise appears on his face, followed by a hint of trepidation.

“I don’t know if I can say it,” Bucky blurts instantly, clenching his fists by his sides, fingernails digging into his palms, while Steve looks confused. “I…that thing you said. I-I don’t know if I can…” he sputters, feeling like he might collapse from the emotions running through him. He didn’t even know what he was going to say until it came out his mouth.

Steve looks at him with understanding, eyes softening. “Are you hungry?”

“I…what?” Bucky sputters, confused.

Steve moves back, holding the door open for him. “Hungry?” he repeats. “I’m just making dinner.”

Bucky wasn’t ready for that reaction. “I, uh, yeah, I guess?” he stumbles over his words as his brain tries to process, not quite sure what to do here.

“C’mon then,” Steve murmurs, turning and heading for the kitchen as Bucky steps inside and closes the door.

He’s more than a little confused as he kicks off his shoes and hangs up his jacket, before following Steve to the kitchen just like he usually would. Sox is curled up in his bed in there, glancing up at him before putting his head down again and closing his eyes.

“Are you angry with me?” Bucky asks, summoning up his courage as Steve stirs a pot on the stove.

Steve takes the spoon out and puts the lid over before turning to Bucky. “No, I’m not angry,” he says with an exhale, looking at the spoon as he puts it on the counter.

“But I ignored you for three days,” Bucky states, before looking down and nervously picking at the skin around his nails.

Steve huffs a little and Bucky looks up as Steve crosses his arms over his chest, muscles bulging. “Yeah, I noticed,” he says with slight amusement, looking at Bucky now.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky adds, somewhat desperately, almost taking a step closer and then aborting the movement when he realises maybe Steve doesn’t want him closer. So he ends up just sort of making a weird jerky movement. “I just…fuck, I’m not good at this.”

Steve seems to take pity on him and moves a little closer. He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up even more. “It’s okay that you freaked out. That thing I said…that was scary, I get it. I really didn’t mean for it to just come out like that, but I meant everything I said.” He looks at Bucky kindly, all that intense blue fixed on him. “Like I said, I don’t expect you to say it back, I’m not gonna get mad or impatient about it. I just…I really wish you’d just have talked to me about it instead of shutting me out.”

Bucky swallows and looks down and nods, feeling awful. “I know. I know, I just…I panicked.”

“Can you tell me why?” Steve asks gently and Bucky lifts his head to look at him to see Steve watching him patiently.

“You just, you know you can do better, right?” Bucky blurts.

Steve’s eyes look unbelievably sad as he hears that. “Buck, are you kidding?” He actually looks almost heartbroken, Bucky thinks.

“No I’m not kidding,” Bucky can’t help huffing anyway. “Look at you,” he gestures a little to Steve. “You’re a real life Greek God, but that’s just the bonus part of you, because you’re also the sweetest and kindest and most understanding guy in the whole world, and you go out and save lives every day. And I’m just…me,” he sighs, sort of gesturing to himself. “I’m an amputee with memory problems and PTSD, who’s killed people and was barely keeping it together for a long time, who can just about manage to walk some dogs and needs alarms to remind him when to eat.” He pauses and sighs, feeling terribly sad. “We just…we don’t match,” he almost whispers, chancing a look at Steve’s face.

“Buck,” Steve says softly, and then his hands are on Bucky’s face, forcing Bucky to look at him properly. He shakes his head and sighs. “God, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Don’t you get that I love all of those things about you? All of those things just make you… _you_.”

Bucky tries not to be terrified of the way he says that so easily, but wraps his own fingers over Steve’s on his face, somehow desperate for his touch now and not wanting him to pull away for anything.

“All of that just shows how strong you are, how brilliant,” Steve continues. “And you’re brave and funny and when I’m with you, I’m just happy. That’s all there is to it. You make me happy, Buck. When you’re not around, I’m thinking about you and when you are, I never want you to leave. Finding Epsi that day in the park has become the best day of my life.”

Bucky swallows as he tries to take that in, tries to let himself hear it, _really_ hear it. “Steve,” he chokes out, overwhelmed.

“Please don’t run away from me again.” The words come out choked out of Steve’s mouth and for all Steve’s strength and calm, Bucky can see the damage he caused there in Steve’s eyes and suddenly it’s easy. Of course he’s not going to run again. How could Bucky ever have thought that was a good idea?

He shakes his head fiercely. “I won’t, I promise I won’t.” He grabs Steve’s face and presses their lips together. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he murmurs as he kisses Steve over and over, feeling bold and desperate for forgiveness, desperate to have this with Steve again.

Steve sinks into the kisses and Bucky thinks he can feel relief there as Steve clutches onto him tightly, fingers holding onto him like they’ll never let go.

Still, Bucky forces himself to pull back for a moment so he can look Steve in the eye, being as brave as he ever has been. “Steve, you…you know you’re important, right? To me, I mean, you’re important to me,” Bucky sputters. He can’t say the other thing yet, but he needs Steve to know how much he cares about him.

Steve nods. “I do,” he acknowledges.

Bucky lets out a breath. “Okay. Okay, good.” He’s relieved.

“Buck?” Steve says, as Bucky stands there, trying to think if there’s a better way to explain how he feels. “Take me to bed?” he asks softly.

“Huh?” Bucky gets pulled out of his thoughts.

“I missed you,” Steve states, moving his hands to Bucky’s waist, so damn big and warm against him, even through his shirt.

“I missed you too,” Bucky replies, completely honestly. The last few days have been horrible.

“So take me to bed,” Steve repeats.

“I, uh…you mean…like me, um, to you?” Bucky stutters, trying to figure out if Steve means what it sounds like he means.

“Is that okay?” Steve asks carefully, eyes cautious. They’ve not really ever discussed this before, but then they’ve only had sex that once so far.

Bucky nods, heartbeat increasing exponentially. “Yeah, I-I can do that,” he manages to say.

Steve turns round and turns off the stove, then grabs Bucky’s hand and pulls him out the kitchen and up the stairs, all the way to his bedroom like he can’t get there fast enough, and Bucky feels it—feels the desperation to be close again, the need to touch and know that they’re okay again, to know that Bucky hasn’t ruined them.

Steve kisses him fiercely before he tells him to wait there, running off to the bathroom for a moment.

Bucky misses him, even for those few moments, before Steve’s back, kissing him again.

Their clothes come off fast. So fast that Steve trips over as he yanks off his pants and Bucky gets his head stuck in his shirt and they end up falling about laughing together, Steve helping Bucky and kissing him on the nose when his head is freed, eyes sparkling.

It strikes Bucky as something else he’s never had with anyone. He’s never laughed with someone this way in general, but especially when getting intimate, but it feels like it should be this way. Laughing with Steve is somehow better than anything else.

He’s still smiling as he situates himself, lying over Steve on the bed, pressing kisses against that rock hard chest of his, loving the soft skin underneath his lips, kissing and licking over his nipples as Steve makes these wonderful breathy noises.

He kisses his way all the way down Steve’s hips, where he has that ridiculous v-cut thing going on, making Steve squeak when it tickles.

Bucky smiles in amusement up at him when that happens, before taking Steve’s cock in his hand and jacking him slowly. He keeps that going as he lowers his mouth even further to lick and suck gently at Steve’s balls. Steve lets out a loud moan at that.

“Too much?” Bucky checks, but Steve shakes his head fiercely.

“God no,” he breathes out.

He moves his other hand further past Steve’s balls, nudging his legs further apart, and Steve shivers a little.

Bucky moves his left hand. “Shit, is it too cold?” he asks, embarrassed. He forgets about his left hand sometimes, it’s such a part of him.

“No, no, feels good,” Steve assures him, reaching over to the bedside table, passing Bucky lube.

“Presumptuous,” Bucky teases as he looks at the lube bottle in his hand, but there’s still that desperation between them that wasn’t there the first time they did this. Steve needs him now and he needs Steve just as badly.

Bucky switches hands, taking Steve’s cock carefully into his left, after he’s lubed up his right fingers, and then takes his time with Steve, just like Steve does with him, with careful, gentle fingers, as Steve’s thighs shudder around his shoulders. Because as much as he wants to be inside Steve, he can’t rush this part. He wants everything perfect for Steve, as perfect as Steve is with him.

Bucky gets so into it, rubbing against Steve’s spot, gently stretching him, licking the tip of his cock, watching how pre-come beads at the tip, basking in the gorgeous noises and reactions that Steve makes, that Steve literally ends up throwing a condom at his head to get his attention.

“Buck, please, now,” he hisses out, and Bucky gets the feeling he might have been asking for a while amongst the moans.

“Sorry, sweetheart, you’re just so gorgeous, I got engrossed,” he grins at Steve, gently withdrawing his fingers, kissing the tip of Steve’s cock, because he can’t help himself.

Steve huffs at him fondly, as Bucky rolls the condom down his length, squeezing at the base, because he is far too turned on and he hasn’t done this is so damn long, he might come in two seconds if he’s not careful.

“How’d you want me?” Steve asks, eyes fixed on Bucky’s cock as he spreads some lube over it.

“Just like this,” Bucky breathes out, moving over him, taking in the basically heavenly sight that is Steve all laid out before him. God, is this really his life right now? And how could he have ever run from this?

Steve draws his knees up with none of the hesitation Bucky would have and Bucky’s eyes practically roll back in his head. “Damn, sweetheart, you can’t just…” Fuck, Steve looks so hot, all pliant and waiting for him.

“Please, Buck,” Steve squirms a little.

“Yeah, goddamn, okay…” Bucky stutters, trying to focus on the task at hand, and then he positions himself, meeting Steve’s eyes for a moment as he presses in carefully.

Steve full on quivers underneath him as Bucky slides in slowly. He’s hot and vice-like and Bucky thinks maybe he could stay there forever as he slides in slowly and gently to the hilt, breathing heavily into Steve’s shoulder as the feelings overwhelm him.

“God, Buck, you feel so good, fuck,” Steve tells him, mouthing at Bucky’s neck, voice all choked and broken sounding.

Bucky moves so he can kiss Steve. He can’t help moaning into his mouth as he starts moving his hips, gripping one of Steve’s legs, the metal hand helping hold himself up.

“Jesus…” Bucky hisses out in surprise, eyes widening, as Steve meets his every thrust with a hip tilt, driving Bucky deeper than he knew he could go.

Then he notices how Steve’s gazing at him through lidded eyes. He’s gasping and practically crushing Bucky’s hips between his thighs, but he’s also watching Bucky intently, like he just can’t keep his eyes off of him.

Bucky meets his gaze, stunned by the intensity all of a sudden. It’s too much and he moves so he can hide his face against Steve’s chest, panting as he thrusts his hips, kissing Steve’s chest, trying to push down the strange feeling that he could cry. He figures it’s just intense, is all, being inside someone, being inside Steve. He hasn’t done this often and not for at least five years or something, since one night with a fellow soldier, and it was _nothing_ like this.

Steve’s fingers tangle themselves into his hair as he plants kisses along Steve’s collarbone. It makes Bucky shiver as Steve tugs just a little, setting off nerve-endings in his scalp. It’s an achievement that Bucky can even notice that when everything’s narrowed down to the feeling of tight heat around his cock as he thrusts over and over and over again.

He gets his wits about him enough to snake a hand down between them so he can stroke Steve’s cock, groaning as he feels how wet he is at the tip, letting his hand glide smoothly over his shaft.

Steve moans loudly at the feeling.

“I got you, sweetheart,” Bucky murmurs, tightening his grip as Steve pushes his hips up. “Fuck,” Bucky breathes. Steve’s trying to kill him.

He can’t last like this. It’s too damn good, but Bucky’s determined to make Steve come first, but Steve sure as hell is making it difficult. Bucky speeds his hand up, enjoying the sounds coming out of Steve, as Steve tenses up, clenching around him, and then lets out a punched out groan as he falls over the edge.

Bucky strokes him through it, easing up as wetness covers his hand, and Steve flutters around his cock in a way that’s the best damn feeling ever and Bucky thrusts shallowly now, almost there too.

Bucky finally lets go of him, moving his head to look at Steve, to find him looking all pink and sweaty and fucked out, but he still manages to meet Bucky’s eyes, and somehow just that look sends Bucky over the edge too.

“Steve,” he chokes out, as he loses his rhythm, pleasure overwhelming him as he comes, literally losing his strength as he collapses down against Steve’s chest, grasping the bedcovers above Steve’s shoulder with his metal hand so tight he thinks he might rip them a little.

He lies there, panting into Steve’s shoulder, feeling like his whole body is shaking, carefully easing himself free, before just lying there in the afterglow. He can feel Steve’s hand stroking down his back.

Eventually he manages to turn his head so he can see Steve, who’s looking down at him. They’re close together and the angle gives Steve a double chin and Bucky thinks he’s grateful for that, because it might be the first flaw Bucky’s found on him, but it doesn’t even count because it’s just because of how his neck is tilted.

“Hey,” Steve smiles at him. He looks so damn happy and fucked out, Bucky’s kinda preening about it.

“Hey,” Bucky smiles right back. His hair is kinda damp with sweat, as is the rest of him, and his stomach is sticky where he pressed against Steve and he’s all boneless and Steve’s still stroking over his back and it’s the best feeling and he thinks Steve thinks so too.

Steve’s giving him that look again and with his brain slightly more engaged now, Bucky manages to recognise it for what it is, somehow entirely comparable to the way Clint looked at Nat, but completely different in its own way.

Steve is gazing at him like a man in love.

Bucky doesn’t turn away this time. He stays looking, reaching up to run his fingers across Steve’s bottom lip, before craning his neck up to place a soft kiss there. Then he gets a little more brain function and gets the condom off him, tying it and throwing it across at Steve’s bin, too blissed out to care if it makes it, before he gets his limbs more securely around Steve and Steve does the same, so they’re all gross and sweaty together, but it’s perfect, because they’re holding each other and Bucky thinks this is how it should always be.

Bucky uses Steve’s pec as his pillow and closes his eyes. As he lies there in total bliss, he still can’t help but wish he could give Steve something more. He trusts now that Steve means it when he says it’s okay, but he still wants Steve to know that he’s in this and he’s serious about this even if he’s not ready for those words yet.

He lies there thinking about it, Steve breathing steadily with him, and then he realises something he could do.

“Steve?” he murmurs, and Steve hums back in acknowledgement and kisses his hair. “Do you want to meet my parents?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww yay they made up 😊 Hope you liked it!
> 
> I really like the next chapter, cause I love Bucky's parents in this, so I hope you'll look forward to that one 😁 In other news, this fic is now finished except for final edits 😮 I'm super excited to share the rest of this with you guys! We're got some sweetness coming, some drama, and then maybe my personal fave ending I've written. Maybe. I'm pretty attached to my Stalker Steve ending, but I do love this one. Not that it's a big deal, don't want to raise expectations, I just really like it.
> 
> Anyway, I'm babbling. Would love to hear from you in the comments, I truly adore every single one of you who've commented, and to all readers, I hope you're enjoying this fic and thank you for reading it, it really makes my day to see my subs and stuff 😍 Stay safe x


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a shorter one, but hopefully a fun one 😊

“Buck?”

“Buck?”

“Bucky?”

Bucky barely registers his name until Steve says it three times. “Hmm, what?” he asks, glancing over at him.

“Why do you look so terrified?” Steve asks with an amused look on his face as he reaches out and squeezes Bucky’s hand.

Handholding is a thing now. A thing they do in public. Cause Steve’s in love with him and he’s in…something with Steve.

“C’mon, it’s gonna be fine,” Steve continues.

Bucky scowls a little as he looks away to the front door. “You don’t know my parents, Steve. _I_ know my parents.”

His mom invited them to lunch at his parents’ house, having been thrilled at the prospect of meeting Bucky’s _boyfriend_ , as she emphasised very emphatically, and they’ve just gotten out of Steve’s car and Bucky’s standing staring at the house, while Epsi pees on a lamppost.

“Well, I mean, I have met your mom already,” Steve reminds him with a little apologetic look on his face.

Bucky scowls towards him. “Yeah, the less said about that the better,” he grumbles.

“I know,” Steve says, an apology in his voice, with another hand squeeze. “I just meant…maybe it won’t be so bad?”

Bucky sighs and squeezes back, taking comfort in the touch. “Okay, let’s go.” Epsi’s finished and they can’t stand out here all day. He’s sure his parents won’t be as bad as he sort of expects them to be.

They have barely made it to the front door when it opens and his mom is there beaming like a mad woman. “My baby!” she shrieks, tugging Bucky into her arms.

He was wrong. “Oh my god,” Bucky utters, mortified.

Winnie pulls back and breaks into laughter. “Oh I had to!” she grins and then turns her attention to Steve. “I bet he’s been all worried about you coming over, thinking we’d be embarrassing.” She pulls Steve into a hug next, Bucky almost laughing at the startled look on Steve’s face. “It’s nice to see you again,” she tells him, with a delighted look.

Bucky can tell while she’s sorry about interfering before, she’s also a little pleased with herself that Steve’s still around. He can’t even be mad about it. He’s pleased too.

“Us. Embarrassing?” George scoffs as he appears in the hallway. He’s holding a picture frame in his hands that should be on the upstairs wall in his parents’ room, that contains Bucky’s army medals. His mom had insisted on framing them and Bucky agreed only if they were kept away where no one else would see them.

“Dad!” Bucky calls out in disbelief, face going bright red, wanting to sink into the floor.

His mom and Steve apparently think it’s hilarious and Bucky glowers at them. Especially Steve who’s supposed to be on his side.

George approaches Steve, shifting the frame into one hand so he can shake Steve’s with his other hand. “Good to finally meet you,” he beams, acting as though it’s normal to carry around a picture frame with you wherever you go.

“You too, sir,” Steve grins at him. “Thank you for inviting me.”

Bucky hates them all.

His mom ushers them inside while his dad offers them drinks, still carrying the photo frame, both of them leaning down to pet Epsi hello as well as she clambers for attention as usual.

Bucky kicks off his shoes and lets Epsi off her leash. “Okay, you guys are hilarious, can we put that down now?” he grouses, as Steve also takes off his shoes politely. The big dork dressed up for this. He’s in pressed khakis and a button-down blue shirt and he looks a little like he’s from the fifties or something. Bucky has to hide the little smile that makes its way onto his face when he thinks about Steve wanting to make a good impression.

“Well look at that fancy bandana, Epsi,” his dad comments and shifts the frame under his arm as Epsi going nuts for the attention, wanting more fussing. Bucky put her in a cute purple one today, so she’s dressed up too.

Bucky appreciates Epsi being complimented but still levels his dad with a look.

“Alright, alright,” his dad grins, waving his hand in defeat, and then disappears into the living room for a moment, returning without the frame. “Steve, what’ll it be?” he asks, gesturing for Steve to follow him to the kitchen.

Steve goes, Bucky trailing behind, as Epsi runs off up the stairs. Bucky doesn’t have stairs and she’s become very taken with Steve’s and his parents’ recently, taking to running up and down them for no reason. Bucky figures it’s good exercise for her, so why not let her, even if it does sound a little like a train thundering around above them.

His dad gets them drinks while making small talk with Steve, asking about his job, and Bucky relaxes minutely, going over to help his mom finish off getting lunch ready, figuring his dad is the safer of the two anyway.

“I forgot how handsome he is,” his mom whispers to him as he gathers cutlery.

Bucky turns a little pink and frowns at her.

She laughs at the look on his face. “So uptight,” she teases him, pulling out quiche from the oven.

Bucky sighs at her, gathering plates. It seems to be going okay though, after the initial ‘parents think they’re hilarious’ bit. Steve gives him little smiles occasionally as if saying ‘I’m okay’, and Bucky loves how goddamn polite he is. He’s basically the perfect guy to bring home.

He really should have expected more embarrassment.

“So, Steve…” George starts when they’ve sat down to lunch in the sunny dining room that adjoins the kitchen, tone very firm. “What are your intentions with my only son?”

Bucky chokes on the sip of water he just took. “Dad!” he sputters.

George and Winnie fall about laughing as Steve also chuckles along, realising he’s kidding.

“For the love of god,” Bucky hisses, looking at the ceiling. “Okay, Steve gets it, you guys are hilarious and amazing parents. Damn,” he says, letting out a breath.

“I’d have to agree on that,” Steve chips in.

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Oh my god, Steve, don’t suck up to them,” he complains.

Steve just grins at him before turning his attention back to George. “And for the record, your son is an amazing man and I intend to treat him as such for as long as he lets me.”

Bucky sees his dad’s face soften and how his mom looks like she suddenly might cry, even as he himself tries to not focus too much on Steve’s words, because if he does he might cry too. “Oh my god, mom, if you cry, I swear to god—”

His mom waves a hand at him and takes a sip of her drink. “I’m not, I’m not,” she says, but Bucky hears a sniff in there. “I’m just so happy you finally got a clue,” she adds.

Bucky lets his mouth drop open in shock. “See what I have to put up with,” he grouses to Steve.

Steve huffs in amusement and reaches out to squeeze his fingers. “Yeah, Buck. It’s awful, really,” he says, eyes sparkling, while Bucky’s parents start laughing again.

“Where’s my dog, she’s the only one on my side,” Bucky grumbles, pretending he’s going to get up, even though he can see Epsi snuffling about in the kitchen now, with her treat ball to keep her entertained through lunch. She’s so adorable, looking kinda confused as she tries to get the treats to fall out, and Bucky’s heart goes all mushy.

“Speaking of dogs, why didn’t you bring Sox?” George asks Steve.

“Oh, he’s over at my friend’s place, I didn’t want to impose,” Steve replies, even though Bucky had already told him it would have been fine, but Steve was insistent that he wanted to focus on meeting Bucky’s parents without Sox distracting him.

“Oh, well next time bring him over,” George tells him. “He’s such a lovely dog.”

Bucky had sort of forgotten that his dad had helped walk the dogs when he was sick, so he’s already met Sox. He smiles to himself as he takes a bite of his food. It’s nice, that there’s already that little connection there. Plus, he’s starting to suspect that his dad wouldn’t mind having his own dog.

Steve smiles like a proud father and they start chatting about Sox and pets and then Steve’s family and then where he grew up and what he did in college and it seems endless to Bucky, but Steve takes it in his stride, asking his parents questions too, and generally being perfect.

Bucky can’t help watching them all with a warm glow in his chest. Steve seems to fit into his family like he’s always supposed to have been there. He laughs at the right moments, and asks about how his parents met and coos at their engagement story, and Bucky can tell his parents already adore Steve. Steve wins even more points when he offers to help with the dishes, though Winnie refuses and tells him and Bucky to go through to the lounge while her and George clean up a bit and bring in dessert.

“They’re really great, Buck,” Steve tells him as they step into the lounge, getting a moment of alone time.

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I know.” He does know. They are the best parents anyone could possibly ask for. “Think they’re comedians though,” he fake gripes.

Steve grins back at him and then his eyes turn softer as his focus goes to the medal picture frame that George had set down carefully on the coffee table. “You have a Purple Heart,” he says softly.

Bucky tucks his hair behind his ear, feeling self-conscious. “Uh, yeah. Cause of, you know…” He wiggles his left shoulder.

“What’s this one?” Steve asks, pointing to the one next to it.

“Distinguished Service Cross,” Bucky sighs a little.

“And this one?”

“Army Presidential Unit Citation.”

“And this?”

“Prisoner of War Medal,” Bucky says with another sigh. “Look, can we—”

“Prisoner of War?” Steve repeats, horror in his eyes as he looks at Bucky.

Bucky sighs and goes to lift the picture frame, moving it so it’s leaning against the side of the couch, out of sight. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Worry?” Steve says incredulously. “Bucky, you were—”

“I don’t remember it,” Bucky states over him and Steve stops talking. Bucky sits down on the couch and Steve joins him, looking distraught. “Seriously,” he continues, taking a softer tone, reaching out to grasp Steve’s hand, trying to comfort him. “I mean, I know what happened, the guys in my unit filled me in after, but it’s just not there for me,” he admits. “Which I guess is kind of a blessing in disguise.” It really is. He remembers lots of his army life, but he doesn’t remember the worst parts. He doesn’t wake up screaming most nights like Morita told him he does. He doesn’t have flashbacks at the slightest trigger like Dugan. He knows what they apparently did to him, but it’s like it happened to someone else.

“You…” Steve looks staggered. “You’re incredible. I just…” His eyes get a little glassy.

“Oh c’mere,” Bucky sighs and pulls Steve into his arms.

Of course his parents come in, both carrying plates of cheesecake, right at that moment.

“Now Steve, do you prefer lemon or raspberry, because we have…oh,” his mom stops as she sees them. “Oh, what’s wrong?” she asks, instantly worried, hurrying to put the plates down.

Bucky and Steve break apart and Steve looks a little embarrassed as he wipes at his face.

“It’s nothing, mom,” Bucky assures her. “Steve was just asking about the medals.”

“Oh. Oh dear.” George looks incredibly guilty. “We just thought it would be funny, oh dear,” he gibbers, looking round the room like he’s not sure what to do, still holding plates.

Bucky half smiles and gets up to take the plates from him before he drops them or the forks slide off, setting them down. “It was funny,” he admits, giving his dad a reassuring smile. “Seriously, dad, it’s fine. Steve just didn’t know.”

“Oh.” Winnie sits down next to Steve, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “It was the Prisoner of War one, right?”

Steve nods, swallowing. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all…” He waves a hand at his face.

“Nonsense,” Winnie replies, passing him a tissue from the box on the side table. “It’s completely understandable.”

Bucky perches himself on the coffee table as his dad looks down and picks up the frame, leaving the room with it, probably on his way to put it back upstairs.

“It’s just the thought of it…” Steve continues, once he’s wiped his face.

“I know,” Winnie says, understandingly.

Bucky realises she probably understands more than he does at that moment.

“H-how long…?” Steve asks hesitantly, like he doesn’t know if he should ask but he also can’t stop himself asking.

Bucky lets out a little breath. “Five months.” That’s what he’s told anyway.

Steve looks heartbroken again. “Five…” he utters quietly, looking at Bucky like he’s a little in awe.

“But our boy here is a strong one and he survived,” Winnie cuts in with her firm motherly tone. “Isn’t that right?” she adds, glancing at Bucky.

Bucky sighs, but forces himself to agree. “Yeah. I’m super impressive and strong and I’m fine.”

Winnie gives him a look. “You joke, but we all know that’s completely true, don’t we,” she states firmly.

“Yes, mama,” Bucky acquiesces with a little sigh as Steve gives him a small smile.

“Let’s have some cake,” his mom declares with a little nod, and Bucky lets out an amused huff, passing them both plates as his dad comes back into the room.

George seems to sense they’re okay and he settles into the comfy chair, Bucky passing him his cake too, and things gets back to how they were. Soon enough they’re laughing and smiling again and by the time he and Steve have to go, Bucky’s decided that lunch went very well, even with the emotional blip, and even with his mother doing that classic mom move and pulling out a photo album, which Steve poured over.

Bucky’s feeling strangely happily calm as he gets Epsi ready to go, his mom and dad giving her lots of pets and affection as he does so, as they all gather in the hallway.

“It was very nice to meet you, Steve,” George tells Steve, shaking his hand. “If you ever need a dog-sitter for Sox, let us know,” he grins.

“I’m Sox’s dog-sitter,” Bucky scowls a little.

“Yes, but you know…if Steve wants to upgrade,” George grins widely, as Steve laughs and Bucky scowls deeper.

He steps in to give his dad a hug. “Hilarious, really,” he grumbles over his shoulder before they pull back.

“I’ll keep that in mind, sir,” Steve grins.

“C’mon, we just got the ‘sirs’ out of you,” Bucky reminds him. It’s been a slight battle all afternoon, because Steve keeps forgetting that at lunch George said to call him George, and keeps reverting to overly polite Steve.

“Right, sorry…George,” Steve corrects, looking sheepish.

George gives him a warm smile back as Epsi snuffles her nose against his hand. “Really though, if you ever need a backup…” he continues, a little longing in his tone.

“We’re not getting a dog,” Winnie tells him firmly as George looks sheepish at being caught out. She gives him a little scowl, before pulling Bucky in for a hug. “Why don’t you go and get Epsi in the car?” she suggests to Bucky as they break apart. “Just give me a couple of minutes with Steve here?”

Steve looks only a little concerned. “Here, Buck.” He passes him the car keys obediently.

Bucky looks at her suspiciously. “You’re not gonna say anything else embarrassing?” he checks.

His mom rolls her eyes. “Of course not. Now off with you,” she waves him away.

Bucky shrugs and gives Steve a sympathetic look, but heads out with a wave.

He waits for Epsi to defile the lamppost with her pee again, and then unlocks the car and gets Epsi in the back and settles in the front to wait for Steve. He’s not really worried, otherwise he wouldn’t have left Steve, and he can tell Steve’s okay with it, though he does wonder what his mom is saying to him.

Steve gets in the driver’s seat a minute or two later, having waved back at the house as he walked over, Bucky watching as his parents close the front door.

“So what did she say?” Bucky asks immediately.

Steve switches on the engine and gives him an amused look. “That’s our business.”

Bucky’s mouth drops open. “That’s not fair,” he whines, a little bit like a little kid.

Steve shrugs. “I can’t betray her confidence, Buck, I’m trying to impress her, remember?” He smirks at Bucky as he pulls away from the curb.

Bucky scowls at him, wondering what his mother could have possibly said, but still overall thrilled with how lunch went and feeling stupidly warm and glowy about it. “I knew this was a bad idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you can get that combo of medals, but I hope it's accurate enough. I hope you liked the meeting the parents chapter 🙂
> 
> Next chapter is much longer and features.....Steve's birthday! 😁
> 
> Love to you all x 💜


	18. Chapter 18

Later, Bucky thinks it was an even worse idea introducing Steve to his parents, because now Steve seems to think it’s a great time for Bucky to meet his friends.

In fairness, it had to happen sometime. They’ve known each other for around three months, and while that doesn’t seem that long, they’re already both in this pretty deep. Bucky’s also very aware that he’s hard to get to know and Steve’s made a lot of the effort in this relationship so far, so Bucky figures he should too.

Plus there’s not really a better time for it, because today is Steve’s birthday.

Bucky would love to say he isn’t panicking, but he is, as he clatters round Steve’s kitchen, getting things ready for his friends to come over. He’s absolutely terrified that Steve’s friends will hate him. He knows he doesn’t make a good first impression and that he’ll probably freeze up and be too quiet, even though he really doesn’t want to let Steve down.

The oven timer beeps and Bucky rushes over to check on his mini pizzas. They need a minute or two more so he closes the oven, heading back over to his potato salad to finish that up.

“Okay, the barbeque is ready to go,” Steve announces as he comes back inside from the backyard.

Bucky glances at him. “Epsi’s not—”

“She can’t get near it,” Steve soothes, instinctively knowing what he’s asking. “Promise. Her and Sox are just playing out back.”

That’s good. At least that’s one less thing to worry about, Bucky thinks. He mixes the potato salad furiously before Steve’s hand suddenly appears, resting on his, stopping him.

“Hey, calm down. You’re gonna be fine,” Steve tells him, turning Bucky, putting his hands on his waist.

Bucky licks his lips and looks down. “I know,” he lies. He pulls away from Steve. “I gotta get the pizzas out.” He hurries back over to the oven, grabbing an oven glove.

They should be good, hot or cold. He may or may not be hoping to bribe Steve’s friends into liking him with food. He’s also made a birthday cake that Steve hasn’t seen yet and sticky chicken for the barbeque, along with the potato salad.

He pulls the pizzas out and rests the tray on the stovetop. The cheese is all golden and bubbly and looks great and smells delicious.

“Um, do you have a big plate to put them on?” Bucky asks as he frets about.

Steve moves closer and reaches into a high cupboard, pulling down a large flat plate, passing it to Bucky.

Bucky thanks him and starts moving the mini pizzas onto it. When he’s done, he finds himself pulled into Steve’s arms, spatula between them, before Steve plucks it from him and puts it down on the counter.

“Steve, what—”

Steve presses their lips together in a slow, soft kiss. Bucky ends up gripping Steve’s shoulders, once again marvelling at the broadness of them and how muscled he is, as he loses himself in the feeling.

Steve strokes his hair back when he pulls away. “They are going to love you, I swear,” he tells Bucky firmly. “You don’t have to worry about impressing them.”

Bucky frowns a little. “They’re your best friends,” he reminds Steve. “What if your best friends hate me? You won’t want…” He trails off.

Steve looks concerned as he gently puts his hand under Bucky’s chin so their eyes meet. “I won’t what?” he asks. “You think I’d leave you if my friends didn’t approve?” he says with a look of incredulousness.

Bucky shrugs. “I dunno,” he mumbles, looking at Steve’s chin instead of his eyes.

“Bucky,” Steve sighs his name, but it’s somehow in a sweet way rather than an exasperated way. “You want to know what Sam said the other day?”

Bucky meets his eyes, curious now, if a little tentative.

Steve looks at him with absolute fondness. “He said he’s never seen me so happy.”

Bucky opens his mouth to ask ‘really?’ but Steve doesn’t let him.

“And Thor, he told me to shut up, because I talk about you so much at work.” Steve’s hand cups his face now, fingers tickling Bucky’s earlobe. “Do you honestly think they won’t like you? You’re the sweetest guy in the world and you make me happy…they’re gonna love you. I think they already do and they haven’t even met you yet.”

“Steeeve,” Bucky grumbles at all the praise, even though he loves it.

Steve chuckles. “Kitten,” he murmurs.

Bucky glowers at him. “Am not,” he protests, but then Steve kisses him again and he gets lost again in the feel of his soft warm lips and his hard warm body against his.

They get interrupted by the doorbell ringing four times in a row.

“That’ll be Thor,” Steve says, rolling his eyes. He smoothes down Bucky’s hair for him tenderly. “You ready?”

Bucky wants to say no, but it’s not like he can. “I guess so,” he says, taking a deep breath.

Steve grabs his hand, linking their fingers, and tugs. “C’mon,” he smiles comfortingly.

They open the door to Thor, who’s a giant of a man, with short blond hair with shaved sections and a massive smile. “Well hello there,” Thor says as he looks Bucky up and down.

Bucky tries not to feel like he’s under examination. “Hi, uh, I’m Bucky,” he says, offering out his hand.

Thor shakes it as Steve ushers him inside.

“Nice to meet you, Bucky, I’m Thor,” he introduces himself. “Happy Birthday, Steven!” he beams as he turns his attention to him, giving him a hug and handing over a gift bag.

Bucky’s about to try and make small talk with Thor, but then the doorbell goes again.

Steve beams at Bucky, looking overly proud, Bucky thinks, as he leads in more of his friends. “Guys, this is Bucky,” he states. “Bucky, this is Sam and Maria and this little one is Riley,” he says as Bucky notices the kid with them who’s staring up at him.

“Hi there,” Bucky smiles a little shakily, focusing mostly on Riley, but acknowledging her parents too. Sam is Steve’s best friend and he’s basically scared shitless of him.

“Are you a robot?” Riley asks as she peers up at him.

“Riley!” Maria scolds her instantly and Bucky realises she’s zoomed in on his left hand. “That’s very rude, apologise to Bucky.”

Riley pouts. “I’m soooorry,” she bleats, looking at the ground.

“That’s okay,” Bucky tells her. He approaches her with a quick look at her parents to see if it’s okay, getting little kind nods and smiles back. He pushes back the sleeve of his red henley a little. “You can look if you want?”

Riley lifts her head and stares at his hand as he crouches down next to her. “It’s pretty,” she states.

Bucky chuckles, not expecting that. “Thank you.”

She glances up at her parents. “How?” she says softly, as though she’s not sure if that’s okay to ask after her first question got her a telling off.

Sam crouches down with them. “You know how I used to fly?”

Riley nods, little fingers touching Bucky’s hand now, apparently fascinated. Bucky can barely feel it, she’s so gentle.

“Well, Bucky did a job like that too, but he got hurt so the doctors made him better with this,” Sam explains, giving Bucky a look, like he’s hoping that was okay to say.

Bucky nods along.

“Doctors like Bruce?” Riley asks, now swishing her fingers back and forth over Bucky’s palm.

“Yep,” Sam nods.

“That’s good,” Riley states. “I’m glad Bruce made you betterer,” she tells Bucky with wide eyes.

Bucky’s not really sure who Bruce is, but he goes with it. “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you. Would you like some juice?” he offers, because he knows Steve bought her favourite.

Riley nods with a sweet little smile and then wraps her tiny fingers round a couple of Bucky’s fingers.

Bucky might just adore her and how easily she accepted him. He smiles as he stands up and walks her towards the kitchen, sort of forgetting the others there. Maybe he can just hang out with Riley all day and avoid the adults?

“Do you like blackcurrant?” he asks, knowing the answer already, realising the adults are all following them to the kitchen anyway, and just about tuning in to hear Steve offering them drinks too.

Riley nods vigorously.

“Here you go.” Bucky retrieves a juice box with his other hand and passes it to Riley, who lets go of his so she can poke the straw into the hole.

“What do we say, Riles?” Sam chips in, slight warning in his tone.

“Thank you,” Riley beams at Bucky, with a smile that could let her get away with murder. Then she looks over at Sox’s bed. “Where’s doggy?”

Bucky’s touched that for some reason she’s asking him and not Steve or anyone else. “He’s outside with my doggy, do you want to say hi?”

“You have a doggy?” Riley gasps, eyes wide, like it’s the most exciting thing she’s ever heard.

“Mmhm,” Bucky nods. “Her name is Epsi and she’s very friendly as long as we stay calm and don’t run about and scare her.” He’s learnt lately that when Epsi sees toddlers and little kids, her instinct seems to be to try and herd them up. Bucky figures that’s because of her breed and while it’s not a problem when she’s on leash, she’s currently running about freely in Steve’s yard, so he has to be careful. He knows she’d never hurt Riley, but she might accidently push her over or something and Bucky wouldn’t be able to live with himself if that happened.

“I’ll be good,” Riley promises and holds her hand out, apparently wanting Bucky to lead her outside.

Bucky looks over at Sam and Maria. “Is that okay? We’ll be careful,” he promises.

“Of course,” Sam smiles his way, and reaches out to take Riley’s juice box for her, while Maria nods as Steve fixes them drinks, casting a pleased smile his way. “We’ll be right out when we’ve got drinks. I wanna meet her too,” Sam grins.

Bucky smiles back and grabs Epsi’s leash from where it’s hanging with Sox’s, just in case. He’s weirdly touched by Sam and Maria letting him take Riley to meet Epsi on his own. That feels like a lot of trust and makes Bucky feel a silly little glow inside at the thought of that.

“Oooohh doggy!” Riley shrieks as she sees the dogs and they both come running up.

Bucky crouches next to her, ready to get in front if he needs to. He watches like a hawk as Epsi comes over. She’s super excited, wagging her tail, but is as good as ever and stops in front of them panting happily. Bucky guides Riley to put out her hand for Epsi to sniff. She giggles as Epsi’s wet nose runs over her hand and then Sox wants his turn and Riley pets his head and says hello, obviously having spent time with him before.

Bucky pets Epsi as she looks a bit put out at Sox getting the attention now and he sits down on the grass with her as he watches Riley, who looks thrilled by petting Sox’s ears, and starts telling Bucky all about Sox in a cute little babbling kind of way.

Bucky nods along and tells her a little about Epsi and then helps her carefully pet Epsi on the head.

“Doggy so pretty,” Riley coos, swirling her fingers along the patterns in Epsi’s fur.

“Yep,” Bucky agrees proudly. “And her and Sox are best friends and they like to play all day together if they can.”

“Like my friend Amara! We play allll day long,” Riley tells him excitedly. “She has a cat called Muffin!”

Bucky can’t help grinning back at her enthusiasm. “Wow. That sounds awesome. I love cats too.”

“Daddy says I can get a bunny when I’m five but it’s taking loooong,” she whines.

Sam and the others come outside just in time to hear that.

“Daddy said you can _maybe_ get a bunny,” Sam reminds her with an eyebrow raise, as Riley spins round at the sound of his voice.

Riley runs over to her mom, telling her about Epsi and how she’s so soft and pretty, and Bucky internally agrees with her, carefully holding onto Epsi’s collar and clipping her leash on, just in case the running kicks her into action.

He gets up, figuring he’ll take Epsi and Sox inside for a nap like he and Steve discussed, just so they can both relax and not worry about them for a little while, and probably so Bucky will focus on talking to Steve’s friends, instead of using his dog as a buffer. He knows Steve knows him too well. He’s feeling a little calmer about Steve’s friends now though.

Before he can get too far though, Sam comes over so he can meet Epsi and then gives Sox some attention, and then Maria and Thor do too. They ask him about Epsi and she’s thrilled and excited by the attention, so Bucky grips her leash tightly just in case she gets too overly excited and jumps on someone or something, but he doesn’t mind talking about her. He feels like a proud parent or something as Steve’s friends coo over her.

Eventually he manages to excuse himself and the dogs, explaining they’re going to be inside for a bit, and he leads the dogs inside, taking them to the living room where Epsi jumps up on the couch and Sox flops into his bed by the window. They fed them just before everyone arrived so they’re pretty sleepy now anyway. Bucky gives them both a treat for being so good and leaves their water bowls with them.

“I’ll come check on you in a while,” he murmurs to Epsi, kissing her head and ruffling her fur before he heads back to the kitchen, closing the doors behind him.

He pours himself a lemonade and then takes a breath and forces himself to head back outside, trying to keep a friendly look on his face instead of a nervous one, now he has no dog buffers.

“So that was the cutest thing,” Sam comments as Bucky reaches the group. “Riley really likes you.” He looks over to where Maria is, sitting with Riley on the grass with some sort of game they must have brought with them.

Bucky knows he goes slightly red as Steve reaches out to wrap an arm round his waist. “So adorable,” he whispers in Bucky’s ear, and Bucky knows if they were in private Steve would be calling him a kitten again. “So this is Bruce,” Steve points out to him instead, and Bucky realises an extra person showed up when he wasn’t paying attention. “This is Bucky,” he tells Bruce.

“I came round the side gate,” Bruce explains at Bucky’s confused look and Bucky finds himself getting another handshake.

“You work with Steve, right?” Bucky says, trying to make good small talk.

“Well, sort of,” Bruce clarifies. “I’m a doctor at the hospital and Steve brings patients into the ER.”

“That’s right. Bruce is a doctor and I am Steve’s partner,” Thor cuts in over him. “Well, his paramedic partner. I believe you’re his other partner,” he grins and throws Bucky a wink.

Bucky chokes a little. He’s never going to survive this.

Steve squeezes his waist comfortingly. “C’mon Thor, I saved the grill for you,” he tells him, releasing Bucky and leading Thor away, being a saviour for Bucky, except now he’s left with all his other friends.

“I’m just gonna go grab some food things,” Bucky tells the others so he’s not left to talk to all of them alone.

He heads inside to grab the mini pizzas and the potato salad, bringing them out to the table with all the food, arranging them carefully, as Sam wanders over to him.

“Can I steal one of those?” Sam asks. “I’m starving.”

“Oh, sure,” Bucky nods, moving so Sam can reach the pizza.

“So…” Sam says, as he grabs a napkin too. “…I’m pretty sure Steve wants to have your babies after that.”

Bucky chokes on nothing and Sam breaks into a delighted laugh.

“Sorry, man, couldn’t help myself.” He chuckles and then takes a bite of pizza. “Mmm, this is really good,” he mumbles before swallowing. “So, just so you know, Steve is always talking about you, I mean really, he’s so sappy it kills me.”

“Oh no,” Steve calls out from over at the grill, before he’s hurrying over to them. “No cornering Bucky and telling him things about me!” he complains, reaching Bucky’s side and pulling him close again.

“Ah c’mon, that’s what the best friend does!” Sam complains.

Bucky sort of shrinks a little into Steve’s side, grateful for the rescue. It’s weird because he knows Steve is in this, and in this deep, what with the love confessions and all, but Bucky can’t help feeling overwhelmed at how his friends seem to know too.

“Wanna help Thor grill?” Steve offers, already moving them in that direction, apparently realising one friend is better than all at once, even if it is his most boisterous friend.

Bucky nods. He can do that. It’ll give him something to focus on. Of course, Thor asks him lots of things about himself while they grill, but at least Steve’s off entertaining his other friends so it’s not too much at once and Bucky finds Thor’s pretty cool and goes with the flow when Bucky changes the subject. He asks Thor about being a paramedic and that gets Thor talking so, for a while at least, Bucky can just relax and feed people.

Their final friend, Carol, shows up a little later and Bucky finds himself really warming to her as they get introduced and make small talk while he grills the last of the chicken for her. She works with Maria in government somewhere and Bucky quickly figures out she’s the newest addition to their friend group. She seems to get how it can be a little overwhelming to try to slot into a group the way Bucky is and doesn’t ask him too many questions, but he finds her to be witty and she even makes him laugh while they chat.

He finally serves himself some food, once everyone else is sprawled out on the grass with their plates, and joins them, as the sunshine beats down on them. It’s nice, watching Steve’s friends chatter and eat. He’s happy that everyone seems to really like the food and he gets praised for his salad and chicken and pizza especially, which both makes him happy and blushy. Plus everything seems to calm down a little once everyone’s fed and he manages to relax a little more. Steve keeps glancing over as if he’s checking on him too, and that feels really nice, because he’s not making a big deal, but he’s still making sure Bucky’s not overwhelmed and Bucky’s grateful for that.

All in all it’s not so bad. Steve’s friends do ask him things about himself, but they aren’t pushy about it, and Bucky can see how much Steve’s friends care about him and he likes seeing that. He smiles to himself when Sam announces it’s present time, and it’s cute watching Steve be embarrassed about being the centre of attention and opening presents from his friends. Bucky already gave Steve his presents that morning, just little things he thought Steve would like, so he gets to avoid having everyone watch as Steve opens them. Riley gets momentarily upset when she realises she’s not getting presents, so Bucky excuses himself to go inside to grab Steve’s birthday cake as he’s opening his last present, figuring maybe she’ll be excited by cake.

He does a quick check on the dogs, who are sleeping soundly, and then returns to the kitchen to get the cake, lighting the two and nine number candles he put on it, because twenty-nine candles wouldn’t fit, and carries it outside, feeling a little bit self-conscious, especially when everyone turns to look at him, but it’s for Steve, so he can deal with all the attention on him for a moment. Plus Riley’s eyes go wide and she gasps as she sees the cake, so it’s kinda even more worth it.

“Aww, look what your boy did!” Sam calls out, but not in a mean way, and then starts singing—or basically yelling—happy birthday.

Everyone joins in as Steve looks hugely embarrassed, while Bucky bites his lip and gets the cake on the table, carefully making sure the candles stay lit, as everyone gets up and flocks round, finishing the song.

“Buck, you didn’t have to do this,” Steve says low in his ear as he nuzzles against Bucky’s neck, arm wrapping round his waist.

Bucky shrugs a little. It’s not a big deal, it’s just an easy vanilla cake with raspberry jam and buttercream. “It’s your birthday. You deserve cake.”

“But you _made_ it,” Steve says, sounding awed, before leaning in to blow out the candles, friends cheering.

Riley attempts to put her fingers in the frosting, her mom just catching her in time.

“Thank you guys,” Steve says to them all. “Today’s been so great. Thank you for coming and for the gifts and ya know, being my friends,” he smiles. He finds a knife and starts slicing the cake for everyone. “Let’s all have some of this amazing cake Bucky made.”

Bucky looks away, feeling shy again, until Riley tugs on his hand. “I want the biggest cake!” she declares joyously.

“You do, huh?” he smiles down at her.

“Mmhmm,” she nods, apparently very resolved.

“I’m sure Steve’ll get right on that,” he tells her with a little grin.

She grins back like they’re co-conspirators and then lifts her arms. “Up!”

Bucky’s a little startled by that and immediately looks towards Sam and Maria.

“You heard her,” Sam tells him with a smirk as Maria smiles at him.

Bucky relaxes a little and carefully picks her up so she can stare as Steve cuts and gives out slices.

She also puts her little hand into his hair and swishes it about. “I like your hair,” she states simply, apparently fascinated with it.

Bucky smiles at her. “Thank you. I like yours.” She has cute little puffballs on either side of her head. “And your dungarees are my favourite colour.”

Riley looks at him, eyes wide. “Purple is my favourite too!”

“Here’s one for you, Miss Riley,” Steve grins, clearly having heard their little compliment talk, and Riley grabs the paper plate full of cake in her hands, Bucky carefully steadying her so she doesn’t fall as she reaches for it, also helping stabilise the plate.

“Mmm yummy!” she declares through a mouthful of cake, apparently deciding to eat it while Bucky holds her, and Bucky can’t help but smile. It seems like he’s won over the littlest of the group at least.

Steve’s watching them fondly before he bites into his own slice and then makes his own yummy noises. “Mmm, I agree with Riles, it’s delicious!” he beams.

The others all seem to agree as they start on their own pieces, so Bucky keeps himself busy chattering with Riley as she gets jam all over her face, trying to avoid blushing in front of everyone.

The rest of the afternoon goes well. Bucky brings Sox and Epsi back outside a little while later and helps Riley to pet them again and Maria asks for his cake recipe and Thor eats all the leftover potato salad when he gets hungry again later. Carol complains that he’s stolen her slot as Riley’s favourite, but she’s smirking, so Bucky knows she doesn’t really mind, plus it’s not like that’s true. He’s just new and different for Riley. And it’s weird, because Bucky was so nervous before, and while he’s still more anxious than usual, he can also see himself sort of fitting in with Steve’s friends, which is all he really wanted out of this. It’s actually ended up being a really nice day, and especially nice because Bucky can tell Steve’s enjoyed himself and that’s the other thing Bucky wanted. For his boyfriend to have a great birthday.

There’s only one thing that might ruin it and as the afternoon wears on, Bucky feels more and more anxious about it.

Steve’s birthday is the fourth of July of all days, which means fireworks. Lots of them. It’s one of few things Bucky still finds really upsets him. He’s not even sure why. Sure, it reminds him of gunfire a little, but fireworks never trigger him back into a memory he can recognise. It’s more a feeling that comes with them of intense fear.

But Bucky can do this. Or at least he plans to excuse himself and hide with the pretext of looking after the dogs, who he’s pretty sure won’t like fireworks either. They’ll still hear them in the house, but he refuses to ruin Steve’s day by going home and having everyone feel sorry for him.

But as it gets a little later, Steve’s friends all start getting ready to go. He’s chatting with Carol as he notices some of the others gathering their things and Steve offering them leftover food.

“You guys aren’t staying for the fireworks?” Bucky can’t help asking. He thought they’d all stay and watch them together.

“Nah, gotta get this little one to bed, haven’t we.” Sam chuckles at Riley’s sleepy little head nod in reply. She’s clutching a little baggie Steve must have put together and Bucky can spy cake and a juice box in there.

“It was so nice to meet you, Bucky,” Maria adds, and then there’s the busyness of everyone saying goodbye to everyone as they all wander inside.

It seems that everyone’s leaving now, Bucky realises. Steve’s friends are super nice to him as they say goodbye and tell him how nice it was to meet him. He even gets a sleepy hug from Riley. Epsi and Sox make sure everyone says goodbye to them too, Epsi in particular getting excited by everyone heading out through the living room, Bucky making sure she can’t dart out the front door.

Finally, the house is quiet again. Bucky watches as Steve waves to the last of his friends and then closes and locks the door.

“So…that wasn’t too bad, was it?” Steve asks as he turns around.

“No,” Bucky admits. “They were really nice.” They were. He’s pretty exhausted from it all, but Steve’s friends really are great.

“They all loved you, in case you didn’t realise,” Steve adds, a little smugly.

Bucky reaches down and pets Epsi’s head, because she looks kinda sad that all the interesting people have gone, plus it hides his face a little as he tries to cover up just how good that makes him feel. “Did you have fun?” he checks when he’s got his smile under control, looking back up, because this was for Steve’s birthday after all.

“I did,” Steve confirms, sort of glowing. “I think the cake was my favourite part.”

Bucky goes a little bashful. “Pah,” he waves his hand.

Steve grins at him. “Anyway, night’s not over yet.” He reaches his hand out, so Bucky takes it and Steve leads him to the kitchen. “You want anymore food?” Steve offers.

Bucky shakes his head. He’s full enough from all the barbeque.

“Okay. Give me a second, I’ll just grab the leftovers from outside so we can put them away.”

“Okay,” Bucky nods as Steve heads out, and he starts tidying up in the kitchen a little.

Steve shoves various things into the fridge when he comes back, then locks up the back door.

“Let’s leave all this until morning,” Steve tells Bucky. “I’ve got plans,” he adds mysteriously. He reaches down to guide Epsi and Sox follows, while Steve gestures to Bucky to follow him too as he opens the door that leads to the basement stairs.

“Um, why are we going to the basement?” Bucky asks, just a little apprehensive as Steve starts taking his dog down there.

“Trust me,” Steve calls back to him. “Close the door behind you!”

Bucky sighs and does so, following Sox down. “Are you going to axe murder me?”

Steve chuckles in response. “Come on!”

When he gets down there, he’s thankful to see that Steve has a finished basement at least, but then he’s surprised to see what looks like a fort, built with a mattress and pillows and cushions and sheets in the middle of the room. It’s all lit by twinkly lights and there are also two dog beds, which Epsi’s already making a beeline for, along with their food and water bowls.

“What’s all this?” Bucky asks, shocked as he stands on the last step.

“It’s our fort,” Steve replies, very matter-of-fact.

“Okay…?” Bucky’s still confused.

Steve comes over and stops in front of him. Usually Steve is a little taller, but Bucky being on the last step puts Bucky higher for once. “C’mon, come see,” he prods, leaning in to kiss Bucky’s cheek before grasping his hand and tugging him down the last step.

As Bucky gets closer, he sees there’s Steve’s laptop in the fort along with two pairs of big over-ear headphones. There’s also water bottles and Bucky’s bag that he’d left upstairs which has his clothes in.

“I don’t get it,” Bucky says, looking at it all. “Why didn’t we just do this in the living room if you wanted a fort?”

Steve looks a little hesitant when Bucky turns to look at him curiously. “Well, um, the basement is pretty soundproof, or at least a lot better than upstairs, so I thought…” He lets out a little breath. “You said one time that fireworks get to you, so I figured we wouldn’t hear them so much down here, especially if we put a movie on with the headphones…” Steve trails off, looking like he’s waiting to be yelled at.

“Y-you remember me saying that?” Bucky utters in astonishment. “That was ages ago.”

“Of course I do,” Steve replies softly.

Bucky can’t even believe that. He runs it all through in his head and realises this is why Steve’s friends left early and all at the same time. Steve planned this all for him. “So you want to spend your birthday in a basement fort with me, instead of watching the fireworks with your friends?” Bucky says slowly, in disbelief. He had no idea Steve had thought about it, let alone planned this.

Steve lets out an amused huff. “Buck, I don’t care about the fireworks and I _did_ spend my birthday with my friends. But now I want to spend the end part just with you.”

Bucky stares at him in wonder. “You…” He doesn’t even know what to say. “How…I…” He’s at a literal loss for words.

“And I didn’t tell my friends, in case you’re worried about that, even though they would completely understand, especially Sam. He doesn’t like fireworks either. I just said we had something special planned.” He shrugs a little. “Plus the dogs don’t like fireworks too.”

Bucky listens to Steve’s little babble and just can’t even comprehend that he knows this man who’s so thoughtful and caring and somehow did all this without making him feel damaged or broken. And he doesn’t just know him—he’s his _boyfriend_ of all things. It’s crazy enough to make Bucky laugh out loud a little.

“Is that a good laugh?” Steve questions, face scrunched again like he’s waiting for Bucky to yell.

Bucky just steps forward and wraps his arms round Steve. “I just can’t believe you did this,” he admits, squeezing Steve as hard as he can.

Steve squeezes him back. “I’d do anything to make you happy, you know that.”

Bucky’s involuntary response to that is slight terror at how easily Steve can just say things like that, but he relaxes quickly. “Thank you,” he mumbles into Steve’s shoulder.

“The only bad thing is you still have to go upstairs if you need the bathroom,” Steve admits. “But you could keep the headphones on and turn them up loud and the range reaches that far, I checked.”

Of course he checked, Bucky thinks, heart probably about to combust in his chest. Bucky squeezes him again before letting go, turning to look at where Epsi and Sox have already made themselves comfortable in their beds.

“You know your friends are gonna think you meant sex when you said we had something special planned,” he muses, smirking.

Steve shrugs and wraps his arms back around Bucky from behind, planting a soft kiss on his neck. “So let them. And I mean…it didn’t necessarily not mean that,” he jokes.

Bucky snorts. “Yeah, we’ll see, Rogers,” he teases, even though Steve is definitely getting some sexy time tonight. “C’mon then, lets see this fort.”

They get situated, both changing into comfy clothes, before they settle down on the mattress, laptop at their feet. It really is magical, the way the lights show through the sheet, making it like a little grotto all of their own. Plus two dogs.

Steve’s getting the laptop ready when there’s a boom overhead that makes Bucky jump slightly, but it’s faint enough that it’s not so bad. Epsi and Sox both startle, but Steve pets them and whispers soothing words as Bucky scrambles to put on the headphones and Steve starts the movie straight away, turning up the volume fairly high.

Once they’re on, Bucky doesn’t hear the booms anymore.

Steve looks at him and gives him a thumbs up, with a questioning face.

Bucky loves how much of a dork he is. He nods and gives Steve a dorky thumbs up back, before watching Epsi and Sox to make sure they aren’t too scared. He can see their ears flicking every time there must be a boom, but it seems that they get used to the dull noise of it as they both settle down quickly.

Steve mouths ‘they’re okay’ at him and Bucky settles back against the propped up pillows as Steve pulls on his headphones too and slides in next to Bucky, tugging Bucky towards him and then manhandling him into spooning a little.

Bucky snorts and bats at Steve like he’s trying to get away, but Steve knows he’s playing and nuzzles into his neck, as he gets Bucky where he wants him and they get comfortable and Bucky relaxes as they focus their attention on the screen.

Or Bucky tries to focus.

All he can really think about in that moment is how much he loves Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! 💜 Thank you for all your comments last chapter 😍
> 
> Up next...Steve's mom makes an appearance. And then we're getting close to the end 😭


	19. Chapter 19

It’s weird. Once Bucky realises how much he really does love Steve, it’s like it’s all he can think about. He can think back and see that it’s not something new. He’s loved Steve for a while now, he just wasn’t ready to admit it to himself. He thinks because he remembers deciding that if Steve only wanted him for a while, that he’d be okay with that. But realising he loves him…there’s no way to be okay with the idea of Steve leaving now. Bucky would be a wreck.

In fact, he is a wreck. Because Steve _is_ leaving him.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay looking after him for the whole week?” Steve asks. “Cause Sam could take him for half if you wanted?”

Steve is going to visit his mom in New York. For a whole week. And okay, Bucky’s rational brain knows Steve’s not leaving him, not actually, but he won’t see him for a week and that sucks a lot.

“I love Sox, I want to take care of him,” Bucky replies, trying to keep his emotions in as Steve finishes zipping up his little suitcase. “Unless…” he suddenly realises out loud, “…do you want Sam to look after him instead?” Maybe Steve doesn’t trust him with Sox, a little evil voice in his head wonders.

Steve seems to pick up on the subtext, like he always does. He abandons his suitcase and moves over to Bucky, planting a kiss on his cheek. “Of course I want you to. I just don’t want you to feel like you _have_ to.”

“You’re my boyfriend, of course I have to,” Bucky counters. Of course, he wants to though too.

Steve, as usual, gets a sappy look on his face at that. “Well, I mean, yeah that’s true,” he admits, chuckling. “But it would be cool if you wanted some help. But Sox likes you lots better than Sam anyway, just don’t tell him that,” he adds with a grin.

Bucky huffs, amused. “You do know my whole job is looking after dogs, right? This is like my dream.” That’s kinda true. He gets two dogs around for the whole week. He knows it’ll be busy, but it’ll also be awesome. Except Steve won’t be there, so it’ll also be horrible. God, when did he turn into a clingy pathetic man who can’t stand his boyfriend leaving for a week?

“What?” Steve nudges him, clearly seeing his face change to a little pouty as he passes Bucky a bag of Sox’s things.

Bucky shrugs, trying to keep himself in check. “Nothin’. Just gonna miss you,” he admits, which is kinda bold for him. He still doesn’t do well with the cutesy talk.

Steve’s face goes all sappy again as he gazes at Bucky. “I’m gonna miss you too.” He reaches out to pull Bucky into a kiss.

Bucky sighs into it, trying to memorise the feeling. It still feels like every kiss is a little miracle, like something new to appreciate each time. He’s going to miss the kisses. If he’s honest, he’s also going to miss sex with Steve, probably much more than he should for someone who was very used to living a sexless existence. They’ve definitely fallen into sync, sex-drive wise, in that both of them are basically lust-fuelled and horny whenever they’re together. Bucky blames Steve for that really. He’s basically a god in bed and Bucky feels no shame in admitting that to himself. Steve reads his body like a goddamn map.

Steve is the one to pull back, checking the clock on the wall. “Ugh,” he grumbles. “I better get going.”

Bucky’s glad he looks sad about it too.

Steve calls for Sox and gives him lots of face rubs as he says goodbye to him, while Bucky gets Epsi back on her leash ready to go. He gets Sox’s leash ready and clipped on too, while Steve’s still saying goodbye.

“Okay, you got everything?” he checks as Steve pulls himself away from Sox.

Steve grabs his jacket and the suitcase. “I think so. I’ll just go put this in the car,” he says, gesturing, leaving Bucky alone in his house for a moment.

Bucky looks down at Sox and Epsi. At least he’ll have them for company. Still, he feels a little like he has a hole in his chest. But he pulls himself together as Steve comes back in, checks everything’s locked up and then they all head outside.

They hover near the car. “So…” Bucky says, dogs yanking on their leashes a little. “Um, have a good time.”

Steve smiles, but it’s kind of a sad smile. “Thanks. You have a good time with these two,” he adds, giving the dogs a little grin.

“Always do,” Bucky tries to smile. “Um, tell your mom I said hi?”

Steve smiles a little more now. “I will.” He leans in to wrap his arms round Bucky in a tight hug, muscles basically almost crushing him.

Bucky rests his chin on Steve’s shoulder, breathing in near his neck. This is so dumb. It’s a week. Seven days. It’s nothing to be all stupidly sad about. He squeezes Steve tightly back even so. Kisses him when Steve pulls back a little, those lips making Bucky somehow miss him already even though he’s still standing there.

Steve has to break the kiss. Bucky doesn’t think he’d have been able to. He brushes Bucky’s hair back and gives him that tender look he always does. “I’ll miss you,” he states again. “I’ll call you when I get there.”

“Okay,” Bucky forces a smile onto his face. That’ll be nice at least. At least he can look forward to that.

Steve hesitates for a moment. “Can I…um, can I tell you that thing?” he finally asks. “Just cause I want to?”

It only takes Bucky a moment to realise what he means and he realises, this is his moment. He could tell Steve back. He could let out what’s been trying to burst out of him. “Oh, um, yeah,” Bucky nods, flooded with nerves.

Steve smiles softly, a little nervously, and presses a quick kiss to Bucky’s lips. “Okay. I love you and I’ll see you soon.”

Bucky bites his lip. Nods. Tries to make the words come out, but they just don’t. Instead he just watches as Steve gets in his car and starts the engine, giving him a little wave as he drives off.

Bucky waves back as he stands watching, Sox and Epsi by his side. He finally gets his mouth working. “I love you too,” he whispers to the air pathetically.

****

Things aren’t so bad without Steve. Bucky can think a little clearer after the initial emotional reaction to his leaving settles down. He tries to rationalise that he’d usually see Steve two or three times a week, so really it’s only missing him three days tops if he really thinks about it. And he _is_ having fun with Sox and Epsi. They keep him busy and distracted. And of course Steve does call him, so it’s not like they’re totally apart.

Bucky’s been smart about it too, making sure he’s busy a lot. He’s already taken the dogs over to his parents and obviously he’s doing his usual dog walking, but he also tries to go out to other places too. He’s gone to a café by himself, or well, with the dogs, sitting outside with them, and seen Nat and Clint, and he even did some shopping for his house, his dad looking after the dogs for him, while he bought some things to make it homelier.

He’s now got a nice large blanket for the couch to replace the smaller one he had, because it never covered Steve’s long legs properly. It’s a nice green knit, which looks good with the grey couch, and he also got a couple of extra cushions, and then he even bought some decorative things, including a nice new vase, because Steve sometimes brings him flowers. He also got Epsi a new dog bed, because she’s close to outgrowing her current one, and some nice new bedding for himself.

He thinks his place is looking so much better and cosier when he’s got everything in place and Sox apparently approves of Epsi’s new bed, because he falls asleep on it every night.

Bucky also spends lots of time on Epsi’s training and takes both dogs to get groomed professionally and probably gives them a few too many treats, enjoying the time he gets to spend with them. He also decides he’s okay to take on another dog walking client, adding an adorable little King Charles Spaniel with the somewhat unfortunate but still endearing name of Sprinkles to his Monday and Friday walks. He’s pleased with how well his job is going and even though Sprinkles seems to take a little more getting used to than the others for Epsi, he feels like he has it all under control and that makes him feel really good.

So the distraction helps. But he’s still looking forward to Steve coming back. He’s already decided he’s going to make him a nice dinner when he’s back and maybe then, if the mood is right, maybe he’ll be able to tell Steve how he feels finally.

Bucky floats off a little as his settles on his couch for the evening, thinking about that. It’s kind of unbelievable to him that he’s got here. He’s got someone who loves him, who he loves back. He never thought he’d have this. Didn’t even really know he wanted it until Steve came into his life. Now he can’t imagine being without him. It’s sort of been a whirlwind, but Bucky’s so thankful for it.

He’s still smiling, lost in daydreams, when his phone rings. Epsi barks and Bucky smiles as he sees it’s Steve and it’s a video call this time. “Hey stranger,” he grins as Steve’s pretty face appears.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve smiles brightly at him. “How are you doing? Having a good night?”

Bucky nods, settling back more comfortably, making sure he’s in the frame. “Not too bad. Was just gonna put on a movie or something. Got my little furry friends here too.” He moves his phone so Steve can see Epsi curled up by his feet and Sox in Epsi’s bed near the window.

“Aww, there’s my gorgeous boy,” Steve coos as Bucky turns the phone back so Steve can see him.

“Wait, who are we talking about here, me or him?” Bucky frowns teasingly.

Steve huffs in amusement. “Both,” he grins. Then his face turns a little more serious. “Um, so I have a kind of request?”

Bucky looks at him curiously. “What kind of request?” Then he thinks about it. It’s a video call. “Ooh, is it a naked kind of request?” he grins naughtily.

Steve sort of chokes. “Um, no,” he hurries to say. “It’s, ah…my mom really wants to say hi,” he says, grimacing.

Bucky sits up straighter for some reason. “She does?” Then he looks at Steve’s cringing face. “Wait, is she…”

“Yeah, she’s about five feet away,” Steve says, looking sorry. “She won’t take no for an answer,” he gripes in a strong tone, looking over the phone somewhere.

“I, ah…”

“Hello, Bucky!” he hears a woman’s voice from across the room.

He tries to make himself look as presentable as he can in two seconds. “Hi, Mrs Rogers,” he calls back, as the phone apparently gets stolen from Steve. He even hears Steve protesting as his mom appears on screen.

She peers at him and then beams, while Bucky takes in that she looks very much like Steve, with blondish grey hair and similar features. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

“You too, Mrs Rogers,” Bucky replies, trying to stay calm and polite and act how his own mother would want him to. He really wishes he’d been a little more prepared for this though.

“Sarah, please!” she beams. “Sorry to barge into your phone call, but Steven hasn’t shut up about you and I got tired of waiting,” she says frankly, but with a kind smile on her face, very much like Steve’s smiles.

Bucky finds himself warming to her already. He huffs in amusement. “That’s okay,” he replies with a little smile of his own. “My mom was pretty much the same about meeting Steve.”

“Well, next time Steve visits, he’ll have to bring you so we can meet properly.”

“I’d like that,” Bucky answers, surprisingly honestly. Usually that would make him run screaming, but he likes the idea of meeting Steve’s only family. It feels right.

“You’re even more handsome than Steve said,” Sarah adds.

Bucky turns bright red. “Um, thank you.”

“What are you doing with him?” she continues, with an amused grin.

Bucky chuckles as he hears Steve let out a huffy ‘hey!’ in the background. “Ah, I don’t know, he’s not so bad.”

Sarah laughs. “I think I like you already. So tell me, Bucky. Is my Steven treating you well?”

“Ma!” Steve sort of screeches in the background, and Bucky finds he’s very much enjoying this role reversal, because usually it’s him getting all flustered.

He chuckles again. “He’s pretty great,” he admits. “Buys me flowers sometimes, just because.”

Sarah looks highly amused. “Ah, my little Stevie, always such a romantic.”

“Ma, come on, can I have the phone back now,” he hears Steve whinging in the background.

“You know, he always used to watch those Disney films and tell me how he was going to find his own princess and treat her even better than the princes did so they’d live happily ever after,” Sarah grins. “Of course, the princess part turned out to be a prince, but I’m glad he’s still aiming for that.” She looks off to the side of the screen. “Oh dear, I better give you back to him, he’s pouting something fierce.”

Bucky presses his lips together, thoroughly amused.

“It was very nice to see you face to face as it were,” Sarah tells him.

“You too, Sarah,” Bucky replies, smiling warmly. Steve’s mom really is as nice as he said she is. But a lot funnier than Steve ever mentioned.

“I’ll admit I was worried when he decided to move away from New York a few years back, but if that’s what led him to you then I guess I can finally be happy about it,” she adds, a kind and somewhat wistful smile on her face.

Bucky feels stupidly touched by that. Steve’s told him about his decision back then, to leave the city, to go somewhere quieter for a calmer lifestyle to both balance out the job he does and to start fresh, and how his mom had found it really hard. It’s amazing to think that Sarah would be okay with it now that Steve has _him_ of all people.

Sarah waves at him before Bucky can comment on it and then there are some huffy noises in the background as the phone gets handed back to Steve, who appears on screen looking mortified.

“So…that’s my mom,” he says as he moves around, clearly taking the phone to a room his mom isn’t in.

“She’s really great,” Bucky grins.

“She’s awful,” Steve scowls off to the side of the camera.

“Love you too, honey!” he hears Sarah in the background, and he chuckles in amusement as Steve closes a door and appears to be outside now.

“I’m sorry she ambushed you,” Steve apologises.

“That’s okay.”

“She’s just…she really wanted to meet you,” Steve says, looking sheepish.

“It’s really okay,” Bucky promises. “She’s so nice.”

Steve smiles a little and Bucky can tell that even though he’s complaining, that he’s glad that Bucky thinks that. “So, things are going okay?”

Bucky nods. “Yeah, all fine here.”

“Good, that’s good,” Steve replies. “I can’t wait to see you properly,” he admits, looking a little shy for once.

Bucky breaks into a smile. “Well only two days left to go.”

Steve looks really happy about that. “Yep,” he smiles wistfully. “Well, I better go, dinner’s almost ready. Just wanted to see you,” he admits.

Bucky can’t hide his grin. “Okay. Have a good night,” he replies, feeling warm and fuzzy as Steve says goodnight and they hang up.

He feels an odd sense of achievement. He’s sort of met Steve’s mom now so he can sort of tick that box off. There’s really only one thing left for him to do when Steve gets back and it doesn’t feel as scary now. He thinks he’s ready for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one before some draaama, coming next 😮 Thank you so much for supporting this fic so far! I really truly appreciate it 💜
> 
> I also realised I forgot to post pictures of Trinity and Papaya, so here they are with Sprinkles also.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's do this. Emails seem to be working again 🙏

Bucky is officially fully on board with Steve going away sometimes now. Because when Steve returns home, Bucky learns that ‘I missed you’ sex is super hot. Like so hot, Steve might be trying to kill him hot. Bucky is down for any and all reunions they may have to have in future.

He even has to postpone his ‘cook Steve dinner’ plan to the next evening, because they basically don’t leave the bedroom, ending up eating leftovers in bed together. Bucky can’t find it in him to care too much about his plans changing.

In the morning, before Steve wakes up, he just lies there, in a tangle of limbs with him, listening to Steve breathing. It’s so peaceful and perfect and Bucky kinda wishes they could stay there forever.

Sadly, after a little morning sexy time once Steve’s up, in more ways than one, Steve leaves to check on his house and go for a run, but with the promise of coming back for a late lunch, because Bucky still wants to cook for him. It’s dumb, because there have been lots of perfect moments in the last twelve hours to tell Steve he loves him, but Bucky still hasn’t. He thinks maybe because he planned this whole dinner thing that he’s got stuck in his head about it. So he figures moving dinner to a late lunch is still better than waiting all the way until dinner. And he’ll really do it this time. He’ll tell Steve.

Everything looks perfect by the time Steve comes back. Bucky’s setup the table all nice and the kitchen smells amazing from the food. The dogs are sleeping in Bucky’s room after a longer walk than usual to tire them out, so they can be alone and uninterrupted for once, and Bucky’s pulled his hair back and put on a nice but still casual shirt and jeans.

Nerves are thrumming through him, but he thinks they’re good nerves. He’s ready for this. He even wonders if he’s making too big a deal out of this, but he’s done it now so he hopes it’s not too much. It feels like a big deal for him though. He’s never felt this for someone. He never thought he would.

“Here we go,” Bucky says, placing the plates down with a flourish on the table. He’s pretty proud of the curry he’s made all from scratch. He hasn’t made it before, but he thinks it looks really good and it tasted great when he tested it.

Steve beams at the dish. “This looks amazing, Buck.” He’s been waiting patiently while Bucky finished fussing in the kitchen, wanting everything perfect.

“And there’s naan bread to go with it,” Bucky adds as he brings that to the table and finally sits down.

“You really didn’t have to do all this,” Steve says, reaching for the bread.

“I wanted to,” Bucky replies simply. “It’s nice cooking for someone.” He shrugs. “Plus you could say I’m pretty happy you’re back.”

“Only pretty happy?” Steve’s eyes sparkle back at him, probably thinking of a graphic flashback of them in bed, Bucky thinks.

“Yeah, just a smidge. Like this much,” Bucky says, holding his fingers less than an inch apart.

Steve huffs at him. “I’ll have to go for longer next time so you miss me more.” He dips the bread into his curry.

Bucky jerks his head up at the threat and shakes his head. “Nuh uh, nope.”

Steve gives Bucky that blinding smile of his. “No?”

Bucky sighs. “Okay fine, maybe I missed you a little bit more than this,” he admits, holding up his fingers again, as Steve bites into his bread and then dips some more.

“Mmm, this is yummy,” Steve mumbles.

Bucky huffs in amusement. “I actually…there was something I wanted to…” He pauses. He’d planned to wait until they’d eaten, but it seems like a kind of natural lead in and suddenly Bucky thinks maybe the right time is now to tell Steve how he feels.

Steve sits up a little straighter, swallowing, looking confused.

“Yeah, so I wanted to tell you…” Bucky tries, hoping Steve’s confusion will turn to happiness in a second. He even knows it will, but it’s still hard for him to get the words out.

Steve sort of half coughs. “Buck?” He grabs his drink of apple juice and takes a gulp of it. “What’s in this?” he asks, but his voice is sort of choked.

Bucky looks back at him confused. “What do you…is it too spicy?” He hadn’t thought it was when he sampled it while cooking. He frowns down at his dish, which he hasn’t touched yet, seeing as he was busy babbling.

Steve shakes his head, pushing his chair back, hand going to his throat. “Is…enuts?” he sort of rasps out as Bucky’s eyes widen and he realises something’s really wrong here.

He pushes back his chair to go to Steve’s side. “Nuts?” he repeats. “There’s peanuts in there, yeah?”

Steve’s eyes go wide. He looks like he might not be breathing right.

“Oh fuck,” Bucky panics, watching him. “Oh my god, what do I do?” He’s pretty sure Steve’s choking and he has no idea what he’s supposed to do. “Oh my god.”

Steve’s gesturing with his hand at the door. “Epi,” he rasps out, still clutching his throat, and Bucky can see fear in his eyes now. “Bag.”

At first Bucky thinks he’s saying Epsi. But then the word ‘bag’ makes him wake up a little. This is an allergic reaction. It must be. He runs and grabs Steve’s bag by the door and starts digging through it as he returns to Steve and then he finds it in the front pocket. An EpiPen.

“This?” he asks in a panic, tears breaking free and sliding down his face.

Steve nods jerkily and makes a stabbing motion with his hand towards his thigh.

“I just…” Bucky copies the motion, already pulling it out the packaging, as Steve nods at him. He does it as fast as he can, absolutely terrified, hands shaking, but sees the relief in Steve’s eyes as it goes in.

Bucky helps him off the chair to lie down on the floor, because it looks like he doesn’t have the strength to hold himself up anymore and then he runs for the couch and grabs his phone, dialling for an ambulance as he runs back to Steve.

He’s openly weeping now, but he gets through quickly and gives the operator all the details they could possibly need and more. He even tells them Steve’s name and that he’s a paramedic in the hope that somehow he’ll get preferential treatment and they’ll come faster because of it, all the while watching as Steve seems to be struggling to breathe still.

“Do I do CPR?” he asks the operator as he kneels next to Steve, clutching his hand, looking into his wide blue eyes.

“Not if he’s still breathing and conscious. You tell me if anything changes. The ambulance is on its way.”

Steve squeezes his hand slightly.

“They’re coming, Stevie, you just keep breathing for me, okay?” he begs. “I’m gonna open the door so we’re ready, okay?” he tells Steve, before doing exactly that, then running back to him, the door wide open. He vaguely registers the sounds of dogs barking, but he’s too busy watching over Steve to understand the sound.

It feels like hours, but it’s got to be the fastest ambulance of all time. Only a few minutes later, paramedics are running in through the open door and he’s getting gently pushed back away from Steve.

“What happened?” one asks him as they start examining Steve.

“H-he’s allergic to peanuts. I gave him the EpiPen thing…” Bucky trails off, watching, staring as they inspect Steve.

The paramedic nods as they get Steve onto a board and carry him out to the ambulance, Bucky getting his wits about him enough to follow behind and climb in. He knows they’re saying things, but he can’t hear it right now.

Because he remembers. Back when they first met, that day Steve bought him hot chocolate. Steve told him he’s allergic to peanuts. He told him. He told him and Bucky forgot. Bucky forgot and he put peanuts in Steve’s food.

He stares blindly, ice running down his spine as the paramedic crowds over Steve in the ambulance.

This is his fault.

****

Steve is whisked away to a treatment room. Bucky stands there, shell-shocked in the corridor. Someone guides him to sit down and he’s given forms to fill in. He tries his best to do what they want him to, filling in as much as he can, and hands them back, finally getting enough sense to get his phone out.

He calls his parents and his dad picks up. “Hey, kid, what’s happening?” his dad answers jovially.

“I-I need help,” Bucky tells him. “I…Steve’s at the hospital and I don’t know what’s happening and I left Epsi and Sox at my place and I—”

“Whoa, Bucky, slow down, okay. Take a deep breath. In for five, hold, out for five, okay?” his dad cuts in.

Bucky nods though his dad can’t see him as he tries to follow his instructions. It’s hard and he can barely do it, but he keeps trying.

“Okay, okay, that’s good, Bucky,” his dad murmurs. “I’m going to your place now, so don’t worry about the dogs, okay. I’ll bring them back over here with me. Your mother is coming to you. Do you know which floor you’re on?”

Bucky looks around. “First. I’m in the reception bit.” He blinks and tries to keep breathing steadily.

“Okay good. Now what happened to Steve?” George asks gently.

Bucky wipes at his face and tries to stay calm. “H-he had an al-allergic reaction,” he explains, guilt trying to suffocate him. “It was like he was choking, like he couldn’t breathe.”

His dad sucks in a breath and he hears him relaying that to Winnie in the background. “Okay, Bucky, we’re on our way. You stay there and keep doing the breathing thing. Just keep calm.”

“Okay,” Bucky replies, voice shuddering a little. He hangs up and tries to do what his dad said. All he can see is Steve’s terrified face, haunting him. He did this.

“Did you come in with Steve Rogers?” someone interrupts him a moment later and Bucky startles and stumbles to get to his feet.

“Yes, I…is he okay?” Bucky bursts out at the blonde nurse, terrified of the answer.

She gives him a kind smile. “They’ve got him stabilized. I thought you’d want to know.”

Bucky’s too scared to feel relief right then. He nods. “That-that’s good, right?”

She nods back at him. “It’s good. I’ll let you know when I know more.” She gives him another caring smile. “I’m Sharon, by the way. I know Steve from working here. A lot of the staff here do, but I’ll try to keep them from crowding you.”

Bucky nods gratefully. He should have figured that. “I-I’m Bucky,” he says, hesitantly after she seems to be waiting for his name.

“I figured you might be.” She gestures for him to sit down, so Bucky does, as she sits next to him. “Do you have anyone coming to sit with you while you wait?” she checks.

Bucky nods. “Yeah, my mom is coming.”

“Can I get you a coffee or anything while you wait for her?” Sharon offers kindly.

Bucky shakes his head. He thinks if he drank or ate anything, he’d throw up right now.

“Okay.” She squeezes his shoulder lightly. “You can ask at reception if you need anything. I’ll get you an update as soon as possible, okay?”

“Thank you,” Bucky tells her, attempting a smile that doesn’t appear.

She gives him a sympathetic look and then heads back through the doors.

Bucky inhales for five, restarting the breathing exercise, jiggling his leg, as he stares at the wall in front of him. Steve is stable. That’s a good word. A much better word than critical. Bucky’s had friends who were critical. They didn’t make it.

He shakes those thoughts out his head. He needs to be here for Steve. He has to calm down and just stay strong.

He barely holds it together.

Sometime later—he doesn’t know how long—his mom is calling his name and he twists his head round to see her coming down the corridor.

“Honey,” she murmurs as she leans down to hug him, because Bucky doesn’t think he has the strength to stand up right now. He doesn’t even move his arms to hug her back.

Winnie sits in the vacant chair next to him. “Is he okay? What happened?” She wraps an arm around him.

Bucky shrinks in on himself. “He had an allergic reaction,” he chokes out, tears wanting to come with the words, but he forces them down. “He’s allergic to peanuts.”

“Oh no,” Winnie breathes out. “Have they given you an update yet? Do we know if they’ve—”

“They said they stabilized him,” Bucky tells her, staring at his shoes.

He hears his mom breathe a sigh of relief. “That’s good then, isn’t it?”

“I think so?” Bucky prays internally that it is. “I gave him his EpiPen thing…” He trails off, remembering it. He was so useless. He panicked and forgot everything he’d been taught. It’s not like he doesn’t know these things. He knows first aid and he’s trained not to panic in situations like that, but he fell apart. Steve was maybe dying and he fell apart instead of helping him.

“That’s good, Bucky,” Winnie tells him. “I’m so glad he had one with him.”

Bucky nods minutely. He didn’t even know Steve carried one with him. Unless he did? Maybe he did know and he forgot? Maybe Steve told him all about this and what to do in an emergency and he forgot?

“Did they say when they’d have news?” Winnie continues.

Bucky shakes his head, staring at the wall in front of him again. “S-sharon, the nurse, she said she’d tell me. She’s Steve’s friend.”

“Okay,” Winnie replies softly. A few moments of silence pass. “Bucky?” She’s trying to catch his eye, but Bucky just glances over and avoids it. “I’m going to go and grab you some water, okay?” She pats his knee. “You just wait here and I’ll be right back.”

Bucky nods. She’s using her broken Bucky voice again. It’s all quiet and careful, like if her voice were too loud, she’d somehow shatter him. She spoke like that for months after he came home.

He holds the plastic cup of water in his hands when she brings it back over, but he can’t bring himself to take a sip. They just sit there quietly, waiting. Or maybe his mom is talking and he just doesn’t register it.

What feels like hours later, Sharon comes back. She smiles gently as she sees them and Bucky feels the tiniest bit of relief. She wouldn’t smile if it were bad news.

“Hi,” she says as she stops in front of them. “He’s okay,” she reassures them straight away. “He’s worn out, but he’s breathing fine. The doctors want to keep him for the next few hours for observation and sometimes, very rarely, patients can have a reaction a few hours later, but then all being well, he can go home.”

“Oh thank god,” Winnie exclaims and Bucky can hear the relief in her voice.

“Thank you,” he manages to stutter out at Sharon.

She reaches out and gives his shoulder a squeeze. “He gave you a real scare, huh?”

Bucky nods, looking away. He feels like such a fraud. They don’t know that this was his fault. He caused this and they’re acting like he deserves comfort. He deserves nothing.

“He’s a strong one, don’t you worry,” Sharon adds, kindly. “He’s in room one oh seven if you want to see him?”

“Thank you,” Winnie tells her, turning to gather her purse. “You ready, Bucky?”

Bucky nods, putting down the plastic cup of water he didn’t realise he was still holding.

Sharon points them in the right direction, explaining that she has to check on some other patients but will be there soon, and Winnie herds him along.

“That’s great news, isn’t it,” she natters as they walk. “He’s okay.”

Bucky just nods along. It is great news. It’s the best news he’s ever received. But his chest still feels like someone cased it in cement. Just walking feels hard. Heavy.

They reach Steve’s door, Winnie opening it up after a quiet knock out of politeness.

The moment Bucky steps into the room, he realises he can’t do this. Steve is asleep or knocked out and he looks so vulnerable and pale and Bucky feels sick. He did this to him. He almost killed his boyfriend.

“Mom, I can’t…I can’t be here,” he whispers.

Winnie turns to look at him. “Oh, Bucky, he’s okay though. He’s just resting right now.”

Bucky shakes his head, eyes still fixed on Steve lying in that hospital bed. Steve—his beautiful, gorgeous, vibrant Steve—is lying there in pale blues and white because of him. “No, I can’t.” He’s shuddering, not really breathing right.

“Okay,” Winnie says, putting her hands on his shoulders. “It’s okay. You just breathe. I know you hate hospitals. We’ll just go out to the hallway again so you can calm down a bit.”

Bucky shakes his head. “No, I…I don’t want him to be alone. You stay and I…I’ll just get some air.”

His mom frowns at him. “Are you sure? I don’t think you should be by yourself right now.”

“Please, mom, just…just stay with him.” He doesn’t wait for an answer, already turning and leaving the room.

He makes his way out the hospital, finally getting outside. He walks a few feet away from the building. He really did just intend to get some air, but now he realises…he can’t go back in there. Steve is okay, thank god, but he almost wasn’t. He almost got Steve killed, because he can’t trust his own mind. He starts walking, trying to calm down, but it doesn’t work.

He ends up walking the three miles home.

When he gets inside, he checks his phone. His mom has left him messages. He replies just saying he’s at home, so she doesn’t worry, and then turns his phone off. The dogs aren’t barking so his dad must have picked them up.

The remains of their dinner is still sitting there.

He stares at the table for a moment and then starts grabbing everything. He throws their bowls into the sink where they shatter, food going everywhere, but he doesn’t care. He throws everything else in there too, glasses breaking, plates smashing. He’s so angry. So, so angry. He sweeps the rest of the crap off the table onto the floor and then looks at the mess he’s made.

He stands there, wrapping his arms round himself as tears come, sinking onto the floor when he doesn’t feel like he can stand anymore.

He puts his head down on his knees and cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I don't know much about allergic reactions. I did some research so I hope it's accurate enough 🤷
> 
> Oh nooos Bucky 😭


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there...

Eventually his sobs turn into silence. Bucky cleans up when he finally finds it in him to stand. He throws out everything that could have possibly been touched by peanuts, including plates, silverware, chopping boards…everything.

Then he gets to work scrubbing down every inch of the kitchen with bleach. Then the table. Then the living room. Eventually he’s cleaned the entire house. Then he cleans the kitchen again.

When he finally has no strength left and might be lightheaded from cleaning fumes, he goes into the shower and scrubs himself down too. His skin is red by the time he leaves. He brushes his teeth for far too long and drowns himself in mouthwash. He finally throws on some sweats, feeling like he could collapse at any moment, exhausted and emotional.

Back in the kitchen, he pauses as he glances at the fridge. All Steve’s notes are there, held on by magnets. All the little moments he drew for Bucky. Bucky can’t look at them. He takes them down, one by one, heart breaking. He can’t make himself throw them away though. He puts them in the bottom drawer in the kitchen, out of sight at least.

The plain fridge door looks strange to him. Too stark. He turns away and goes to the living room.

He finally turns his phone back on to find a ton of messages from his mom and a few from his dad. He calls his mom back.

“Bucky,” she hisses down the phone at him when she answers after a few rings. “Where have you been? I told Steve you went home to get some things, but it’s been hours.”

“He’s awake?” Bucky’s heart leaps in his chest even though Sharon already said he was okay and just sleeping off meds.

“Yes and he asked where you were.”

“He’s okay though, right?” Bucky still checks.

Winnie exhales down the phone. “He’s doing fine. They’re going to release him so he won’t have to stay overnight.”

Bucky lets out a relieved breath. That’s good. That means he must not have had another reaction if they aren’t going to keep him there overnight.

“Are you on your way back?”

Bucky inhales sharply. “Mom, I…I’m not coming. I can’t.”

“Bucky,” his mom starts, voice stern, “I know you hate hospitals, but I’ll be here with you, okay? You just have to be strong for Steve.”

Bucky feels himself tearing up again. “I _can’t_ ,” he says, biting the word out. “It was my fault. I gave him peanuts. I almost _killed_ him. And he told me!” He can’t help almost yelling now, not letting his mom get a word in. “He told me he was allergic and I forgot! I forgot, because I’m an idiot who joined the army and got himself completely fucked up and now I’m broken and I almost killed Steve!” He’s choking on tears now, crying desperately. “He’s too important, I can’t be around him anymore.”

There’s a silence for a moment, just the sound of Bucky taking choking breaths. “Bucky—” his mom tries to start softly.

“No!” he cuts her off. “He could have died because of me. I can’t…” He sniffs. “Just make sure he’s okay, please? But I can’t come back there.” He hangs up before his mom can argue.

Then he crawls into his bed and stays there.

****

The next morning, Bucky feels even worse. Epsi’s still with his dad so he doesn’t even have her for comfort, but then he reasons he doesn’t deserve that anyway. Everything he does feels like the wrong thing. He wants desperately to go and hold Steve and just be thankful that he’s okay when it could have been so much worse, but he just can’t. Steve deserves someone whole and good. Bucky can’t be that person. He let himself pretend that he could, but this has just shown that he can’t. He let himself get lost in the fantasy and now reality’s hit in the worst way.

Bucky doesn’t bother getting out of bed. He just stays there in his dark room where he belongs. His phone beeps with messages and alarms, but he doesn’t check them.

He doesn’t know what time it is when he’s given a near heart attack by a loud thumping at his front door.

He squints and inches out of bed, slowly making his way to the living room, daylight burning his eyes a little. It’s probably Clint. He doesn’t want to see him or anyone. He carefully makes his way to the door in a way where no one can see him from the windows and quietly looks out the peephole and then his heart breaks again.

Steve’s standing there.

Bucky feels so much relief at him standing there looking like he always does, looking like nothing even happened, but it also hurts to see him. It’s almost physically painful, the way the relief hits him, followed instantly by devastation.

“Bucky?” He knocks loudly again. “I know you’re there.”

Bucky can’t look at Steve’s face anymore. He creeps away to sit on the floor in the corner by the door to wait him out, even as he hates himself for it. Steve’ll give up eventually.

Steve knocks again and then rings the doorbell too. “Bucky!”

Bucky cringes at the anger and hurt lacing his voice.

“James Buchanan Barnes, I swear to god, if you don’t open this door right now…!” Steve yells through the door.

Bucky stays where he is, even though his fingers are itching to grab the door handle and his arms are dying to wrap themselves around Steve and never let go. But he can’t do that. Steve deserves better. Bucky knows he should talk to him, say goodbye at least, but he’s a coward and he can’t do it. He knows if he’s faced with Steve, he won’t be able to get any words out. He just has to wait him out. It’s not like Steve’s going to break down the door.

“Alright, fine,” he hears Steve huff.

There’s nothing else and Bucky sneaks up to the window, carefully moving the curtain back so he can peek out, to see Steve striding away. Bucky lets out a breath, relieved, but his heart seems to shatter further at the same time at the idea that Steve is walking away from him for good. But it’s what has to happen.

He heads to his reading chair, curling up into a ball of misery. God, he’s so glad Steve is okay, but seeing him again and hearing his voice might have just killed him. He feels teary again and wishes he could just sleep, but then jumps out of his skin when there’s a loud knock at the door again a couple of minutes later.

He darts up, making sure he can’t be seen, peeking out the peephole again.

“Bucky, if you don’t open the door, I’m going to eat this,” Steve’s voice says ominously. “And I’m not one for ultimatums like this, but I’ll do what I have to do.”

Bucky frowns and looks to see he’s got a jar of peanut butter in his hand. _What the actual fuck_. He narrows his eyes. Steve thinks he can pressure him into opening the door? As if he’ll actually eat that. Where did he even get it?

Steve waits a few moments and then starts twisting open the lid. “Fine. You won’t talk to me here, maybe you’ll talk to me on the ambulance ride back to the hospital?” he muses.

Bucky gapes open-mouthed as the idiot takes the lid off. No way is he this crazy.

Then Bucky thinks about it and realises, _goddammit_ , maybe he is?

He flings the door open. “Steven Rogers, what the actual hell!” He grabs the peanut butter jar from his hand and throws it across his lawn in a fit of panic.

Steve looks bemused as he watches it soar. “That was your neighbour’s.”

Bucky glares at him. “I’ll get them a new one.” He’s physically shaking, emotions running high, everything overwhelming him.

“So,” Steve says brightly. “Can I come in now?”

God, Bucky hates how much he loves him. Stupid, glorious Steve. He turns and goes back inside, letting Steve follow him, because apparently he can’t avoid him as much as he wants to. Steve won’t let him be the coward he clearly is. So he’ll do this. He’ll say goodbye face to face, even though it might kill him.

Steve shuts the door behind them before turning to Bucky who’s moved a good few feet away into the living room. “So being in hospital without you was kinda shitty,” he states.

Bucky can’t look at him, as all the heightened emotion from before drains away again, leaving him hollow. “I know,” he replies, barely audibly. He’s never felt worse than when he walked out on Steve when he needed him.

“Your mom was there though. That was nice,” Steve continues.

Bucky swallows. “Yeah, she, uh, she was worried.”

“And you?” Steve asks, not accusingly, even though he has every right.

Bucky scrunches up his face, riddled by guilt and pain, as he forces himself to look at Steve. “Of course I was. I’ve never been so scared in my whole life. Not even when I woke up without…” He shrugs his left shoulder.

Steve’s face falls.

“I waited until they promised you were okay,” Bucky blurts desperately, because Steve has to know that, he just has to, even if it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Steve gives him a sad smile. “I know you did. But then you ran again.”

Bucky remembers promising not to run again. He should have figured he could never promise that. “I almost killed you,” he utters, voice barely above a whisper, the words, just the idea of the words, hurting him.

Steve fixes him with a look. “Bucky,” he starts, firmly.

“No, don’t say I didn’t!” Bucky interrupts. He won’t have Steve telling him that it’s okay. “I forgot that you’re allergic to peanuts and almost killed you! My stupid broken brain meant you almost died!” He grabs his hair with his hands as he yells.

Steve’s hands are on his, stopping him yanking his hair before Bucky even notices him moving. “Bucky, Bucky, baby, shhh,” Steve soothes him, untangling his fingers from his hair gently, as tears make Bucky’s vision blurry.

“I love you and I almost killed you and you deserve so much better,” Bucky sniffs out, using his own hands to remove Steve’s from his hair now, stepping back. He doesn’t deserve Steve touching him. His whole body aches for it again though.

Steve lets out a big breath. “There’s a lot to unpack in that sentence,” he says with a little huff. “That first bit, we’ll come back to that, but the second bit? You didn’t almost kill me. It was an accident and it could have happened to anyone.”

“No, it—”

Steve stops him with a finger in front of Bucky’s lips. “It could have happened to anyone,” he repeats firmly, eyes boring into Bucky’s. “And look at what you did after,” he continues. “You found my EpiPen and you called for help and you got me there in time and saved me. That makes you a hero in my book, Buck.” He keeps talking, refusing to let Bucky butt in. “And as for what I deserve…” He shakes his head and looks at the ceiling for a moment, before meeting Bucky’s eyes.

“You have me up on this pedestal, Buck. But I’m not perfect or better than you in any way. I’m stubborn and argumentative and impulsive and a million other things. I know I fall too fast and too hard and my emotions can overwhelm my partners. I’ve got so many flaws, believe me. And somehow you think I deserve better than you…” he lets out a little sigh, “…but that doesn’t exist for me, don’t you get that? And if I’m so great, don’t I deserve to be with the person I love? Isn’t that what I deserve?”

Bucky stands there, whole body tense, chest collapsing in on itself like a balloon deflating. He doesn’t know what to say.

“And that first part,” Steve continues, gazing at Bucky in amazement now. “There’s no way I’m letting you say that and then walk away from me.”

Bucky bursts into sobs. It just seems to explode out of him, a weird choked noise coming out his throat, as everything overwhelms him. “I…”

Steve pulls him to his chest, wrapping him up tight. “Baby, it’s okay,” he murmurs softly, hands rubbing Bucky’s back as he sobs against Steve’s chest.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, oh god, Steve…” Bucky sputters against him.

Steve holds him even tighter if that’s possible.

They seem to stay like that forever until Bucky’s sobs finally die down and he can finally work up the strength to pull back a little. “Steve.” Bucky’s voice breaks on his name, but he has to ask. “What if…what if something like this happens again? What if I forget something this important about you again?” There’s no way he can promise it won’t happen again.

Steve looks thoughtful. He lets go of Bucky, making Bucky hold back a whimper and hold himself back from latching onto Steve again and never letting go, as Steve wanders to the kitchen and goes through the drawers until he finds a notepad and pen.

He starts scribbling something down as Bucky watches, wondering what he’s doing but not interrupting.

“There,” Steve states and then he’s sticking the paper to Bucky’s fridge using a magnet. He holds his hand out, gesturing for Bucky to come over.

Bucky does, biting his lip in worry, as he reaches the fridge and looks at the paper.

It says ‘ _Important things about Steve Rogers_ ’ at the top. Then underneath are some numbered points.

_1\. Steve is allergic to peanuts and bee stings_   
_2\. Steve loves foot rubs and jellybeans_   
_3\. Steve loves Bucky Barnes and would rather have an allergic reaction every day than be without him_   
_P.S. Put my notes back_

“Steve,” Bucky hiccups out, emotions all over the place as he stares at those words.

Steve wraps his arms around Bucky from behind. “Now those foot rubs, that’s real important, so you gotta remind yourself of that one.”

Bucky scoffs through his tears, still in complete disbelief.

“But I think the third point is definitely the most important point, so I’m gonna need you to read that everyday if you have to, just to make sure you know it,” Steve continues, tone softer and full of love.

“Steve,” Bucky breathes out, turning in his arms, meeting his eyes. “How can you…you’re too good, how can you just do this and…”

Steve runs his thumb over Bucky’s bottom lip, stopping him speaking. “Stop,” he says gently. “Please just believe me and let’s move past this together, okay?”

“You’re sure?” Bucky can’t help asking the man-shaped miracle in front of him.

“Of course I’m sure. Now stop ruining my day,” he smiles tenderly. “My boyfriend just told me he loves me and I’m really trying to bask in that.”

Bucky huffs in amazement. Then he really looks and he sees that Steve really means it. “I do,” he replies softly. “I love you,” he says again, the words not just flying out this time. This time, he really says it. It’s not scary anymore. He doesn’t know why it ever was. “I’m so sorry I left you alone.” He’ll never forgive himself for that.

“I love you too,” Steve replies, eyes glistening, and Bucky knows somehow they can get past what happened. Because Steve loves him too and won’t let him run. “No more sadness, okay?” Steve murmurs, fingers wiping over the dampness on Bucky’s cheeks, before leaning in to kiss him softly.

Bucky kisses him back, in disbelief that he ever thought he could let this man go. He pulls back so he can stare into Steve’s eyes, smiling softly at this gorgeous man that he’s in love with.

“And I wasn’t really alone,” Steve adds as he brushes Bucky’s hair back. “Your mom stayed and she talked to my ma on video chat, and then your parents insisted I stay with them overnight so they could keep an eye on me, and Sox and Epsi and I slept in your old bedroom and I wore your pyjamas,” he grins.

Bucky’s eyes widen. “Oh my god,” he utters. Of course his parents did. Why didn’t he expect that? He can’t imagine how mortifying his parents must have been, even as he also wants to run over there right now and crush them with hugs for doing that and for caring about Steve that way.

“I think I’m your mom’s favourite now, just so you know,” Steve teases, planting a kiss to Bucky’s forehead.

Bucky huffs in amusement, still blinking back stray tears. “Oh yeah?”

“Yep,” Steve confirms, beaming. “She made me waffles for breakfast. Like handmade batter and everything.”

“So spoiled,” Bucky tries to chuckle, but it comes out a little choked still. “I need to call her,” he realises out loud.

Steve nods, running his fingers through Bucky’s hair. “Yeah, you do. She’s really worried about you. George had to stop her a few times from just coming over here.”

Bucky feels awful about that.

“Hey, no,” Steve chastises him, as he sees the look on Bucky’s face. “No sadness, we agreed,” he reminds him. “They understand. They knew you needed some space to get your head out your ass,” he adds, pressing his lips together to keep his smile back.

Bucky huffs out a surprised laugh at that. “Mean,” he comments, even though it’s true.

Steve shrugs. “Yeah, well, I ain’t as great as you make me out to be,” he says with grin.

Bucky huffs again, meeting his eyes, and runs his finger across Steve’s brow. “You’re right,” he murmurs. “You’re better.”

Steve beams at him. “Look who’s gone all romantic,” he teases.

Bucky smiles back, but it’s a little sad. “Guess that’s the side effect of almost losing you.” He can’t help thinking about the worst-case scenario. What if he really had lost Steve?

Steve tugs Bucky into his arms, hands wrapping across his back, Bucky’s hands resting on Steve’s collarbone. “You didn’t almost lose me. I’m right here.” He stares into Bucky’s eyes, as if trying to really get his point across.

“But I almost—”

“But you didn’t,” Steve cuts him off.

“But what if—”

“You’re not going to lose me,” Steve tells him fiercely. “I’m with you til the end of the line.”

Bucky raises his eyebrows a little. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Steve confirms. “Now stop thinking so much and kiss me.”

Bucky huffs at the almost order. “Thinks he can boss me around just cause…” he mutters under his breath, with a little smile that he can’t help.

Steve presses his lips together, eyes sparkling. “Damn right I can,” he grins. “I figure I’m owed at least fifteen kisses.”

Bucky huffs again, happiness flooding over him. “Is that so…”

“Yep,” Steve confirms, sounding very pleased with himself. “And I’m gonna collect every single one, starting right now.”

Bucky snakes his hands up to grip the back of Steve’s neck. “Well I guess you better get to it,” he murmurs, somewhat breathlessly.

Instead of leaning down to kiss him, Steve starts backing him up across the room.

“What are you—” Bucky protests even as he lets himself be moved.

Steve leans in and kisses him softly before pulling back and beaming at him. “I didn’t say where I was getting my kisses,” he says with a decidedly naughty look on his face as he resumes backing Bucky up towards his bedroom.

Bucky huffs in surprise. God he loves this man with every fucking molecule of his being. “Oh really?” he asks as they reach his bedroom, Steve already pawing at his sweatshirt as they find themselves on his bed.

He melts into it as Steve leans in and kisses him again as Bucky holds him tight, so grateful and so happy, as Steve lets out a moan.

In the end, Steve gets a lot more than fifteen kisses.

But Bucky’s pretty sure he gets even more.

****

Bucky keeps the note on the fridge. He doesn’t forget what’s on it. He still adds a note to his phone so every morning he sees ‘Steve – allergic to peanuts and bee stings’, just in case.

He doesn’t add Steve’s doodle notes back on the fridge door. Instead, there’s now a big frame in his living room above the couch, with Steve’s notes displayed. There’s so many that there’s another frame full of them in his bedroom, above his bed.

That one has room for more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Only the epilogue left. And it's not even long 😭
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter. It was a fave to write. Would love to hear your thoughts 💜
> 
> OH and check out chapter one because my friend KC made some art for this fic and it's wonderful 😍


	22. Chapter 22

**Epilogue**

“Are you ready?”

Bucky takes a deep breath. “I-I think so.” He’s nervous, but he thinks it’s time. He’s probably taken too long to get here, to feel ready.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Clint reminds him, patting his shoulder.

“I know.” Bucky feels a squeeze on his hand and looks over at Steve. “Okay, let’s do this.”

Steve beams back at him as Bucky lets go and bends down.

“Okay, Eps. You ready?” he murmurs to her.

She looks as confused as a dog can look as he reaches and unclips her leash. Bucky sort of expected her to run straight off, but she just stays there looking at him.

“It’s okay, you can go run,” he tells her as he straightens back up. His heart is hammering in his chest, but he knows it’ll be okay. He has Steve and Clint with him for moral support and he knows Epsi’s well trained now. He knows she’ll come back. They’ve practiced in Steve’s garden many times.

Sox barks and then starts running off and that’s all Epsi needs. She goes to follow, breaking into a fast run once she seems to notice she’s free.

Bucky watches her, pride running through him. She’s grown so much and it’s stupidly moving watching her run freely in the dog park for the first time. He can still remember the terror he felt that first time when she got away from him—that he now sort of thinks of as fate, seeing as it brought Steve into their lives—but this time, he’s nervous but mostly just overwhelmingly happy. He even took Epsi to get a haircut the day before and she has a new cute little purple star tag on her new purple collar, so she looks extra gorgeous for the many photos and videos he knows he’ll be taking. Steve’s filming right now in fact.

Steve reaches for his hand again. “Doing okay?” he checks.

Bucky nods, finding comfort in Steve’s warm fingers tangling with his, trying to cover for how teary he feels. “Look how happy she is,” he beams, watching as Epsi chases Sox around. He does take out his phone to film them too, because he can’t help himself, just in case Steve’s not getting everything.

“C’mon, I was promised hot chocolate,” Clint complains, Lucky by his side. He’s also not on his leash, but seems to just enjoy being by Clint’s side most of the time.

“Alright, alright,” Steve chuckles, putting his phone away, tugging Bucky slightly as he leads Clint to the coffee cart, Bucky reluctantly stopping his filming.

They get their drinks and Clint decides to go and play with the dogs so Lucky will play too, as Steve and Bucky sit on the same bench they sat on many months ago. They watch the dogs quietly, Bucky taking lots of photos now, whenever they are close enough. He watches with joy as Epsi goes up to other dogs to say hello, being the sweetheart he knows she is.

“Oh hey,” Steve says as he checks his phone. “Sam thinks he’s got a good match for you.”

“Yeah?” Bucky looks at him curiously, as Steve looks at his phone.

“Mmm, been back six months or so. Having trouble finding work, but Sam says he’s a great guy.”

“Well, give him my details then. I trust Sam.” Bucky sips his drink and smiles to himself, turning his attention back to Epsi. He’s in the process of expanding his dog walking business. Eventually he’d gotten more and more people wanting his services and he had to turn people down, which he hated. But now he’s planning to hire other veterans to help. It’s early stages, but he’s excited about it. He gets to help guys just like him and expand his business and he has Steve to thank for it, because it was him who came up with the idea.

Bucky glances over at Steve, who’s texting Sam back. He still has moments where he just looks at Steve and thinks ‘how the hell did I do that?’, but he knows Steve somehow, by some crazy miracle, thinks the same thing about him.

“He’s looking for a place to stay as well,” Steve mentions lightly.

Bucky rolls his eyes to himself. Lately Steve’s been angling to get him to move in with him. It’s cute, the way he thinks he’s being subtle, and it’s not that Bucky doesn’t want to or isn’t there half the time anyway, but he’s reluctant to part with his place just yet. He’s proud of who he became there, how he regained his independence and built a little life for himself. Not that it’s been easy or without its emotional upheaval, but after all that, after learning to talk to Steve and not run, everything has been so good lately. He’s happy. He figures he’ll probably give in to Steve’s hints in a few months when his lease is up, but for now, he’s happy with how things are. Though he does still feel all gooey inside at the thought of living with Steve. He doesn’t want to ever run again, even from the big moments. And every time he wakes up in Steve’s arms, he feels his resolve crumble a little more.

He plants a kiss on Steve’s cheek instead of answering.

Steve wraps an arm round his shoulders and gives him a look, because he knows that Bucky’s deflecting, and Bucky knows he knows and just smiles back at him, while Steve makes a little fake exasperated face at him.

Bucky snuggles into Steve’s arm as they watch their dogs having fun. He’s so proud of Epsi and somewhat astonished at how she’s flourished. He always wanted a dog, but there was always a nagging doubt that he didn’t know if he’d be a good dog parent. But Epsi is the best dog in the whole world and he knows she’s happy. And that makes Bucky happy beyond words.

He thinks back as they sit there, watching her run about. She changed his life. He was doing his best before, but Epsi made him get back into the world. She inspired his business. She basically found Steve for him that first day in the park, when she was just a puppy. He knew getting a dog would be a big change. He just didn’t expect it to change literally every aspect of his life and especially not how he feels about himself inside. Of course, Steve is a massive part of that too, but so is Epsi. He remembers how he used to stutter when people would talk to him. How he couldn’t always find words when he needed to. How even small things each day were a struggle. Now, there are still things that are harder for him than maybe for most people, but there’s so much more that he’s doing well. He’s even started repairing his relationship with his sister, realising a lot of her pulling away was more him pushing her away back then. She’s coming home at Christmas and Bucky can’t wait to see her again. And he’s certain none of this would have happened if it weren’t for his wonderful dog.

Bucky huffs in amusement as Epsi chases a butterfly gleefully and hears Steve chuckle next to him and the click of Steve taking a picture.

Bucky glances over at him, and he’s never felt so lucky and grateful as he rests his hand on Steve’s knee, getting a warm smile in return. He’s just so happy. And he knows Steve is too.

They spend a long time in the park, letting the dogs exhaust themselves. Bucky’s face hurts from smiling so much, as they get ready to go back to Steve’s for movie night with their friends.

When Bucky calls Epsi back, she comes right over.

****

Bucky wakes up slowly, snuggly warm in bed, daylight starting to peek into the room through the gap in the curtains.

He can hear the faint sounds of Steve pottering around the kitchen downstairs as he stretches his arms out and yawns, before snuggling back into his pillow.

He doesn’t always sleep later than Steve, but he doesn’t mind so much when he does. An empty bed usually means Steve’s making him breakfast. Bucky likes to joke with Steve that it was the many breakfasts in bed that finally made him say yes to moving in. Really, Bucky just couldn’t take being without him everyday anymore. He loves waking up with him and falling asleep with him. Even on the days when Steve works late shifts and accidently wakes Bucky up in the middle of the night, Bucky still wouldn’t have it any other way.

Bucky silently wishes for French toast for breakfast as he wakes up a little more and reaches out to grab his phone, so he can check that the reminder for Epsi and Sox’s breakfasts has been ticked, knowing Steve will have sorted them out.

He still uses reminders every day, even though Steve’s there. For one, he wants to still feel independent and not rely on checking with Steve, and two, Steve has those night shifts or really early starts sometimes, so Bucky can’t rely on him all the time as a human reminder anyway.

They did, however, sync their notes. It’s helpful for both of them, as Steve will tick things on Bucky’s list before going to work. Steve adds reminders to Bucky’s list sometimes too. Sometimes just adding things to their grocery list. Other times it’s ones that say ‘Steve – buy him jellybeans’ or ‘Steve – don’t forget to hug him today’ or ‘Steve – requires three extra kisses this morning’. Bucky laughs every time he sees one pop up. He’s still kind of amazed that Steve could make even his memory reminders fun and just like a normal part of their day.

There probably won’t be any funny ones on there today, Bucky thinks as he unlocks his phone. Steve usually adds those when it’s a work day for him, because he knows it makes Bucky smile when he’s not there. And even now they live together, and arguably Steve should have given up on making an effort, he’s still that damn adorable. Bucky has a sneaking suspicion that he always will be.

Bucky glances at his list as he opens the app, noticing that his reminder for the dogs’ breakfast has indeed been ticked off as done. Then he notices a new reminder.

It says ‘Steve – marry him?’ with a little ring emoji next to it.

Bucky’s heart sort of falls out his chest as he freezes in shock. Then a giant smile makes its way onto his face as he stares at the note. He sits there in awe as a happy, warm glow melts over him, looking at the words until they blur together.

When he can get his fingers moving again, he does the only thing he can do.

He ticks the reminder.

He hears the ding of Steve’s phone going off much closer than the kitchen and a moment later, he looks up to see Steve’s in the doorway.

There’s a breakfast tray with French toast balanced on one arm, phone in his other hand as Steve gazes at it, with two dogs snuffling behind him.

The shy smile on Steve’s face transforms into a beaming grin as he meets Bucky’s eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. 
> 
> 😭😭😭😭😭 I am so sad this is done. It's been a joy to write and share with you guys and thank you so so much for the wonderful support, you've been so kind with your comments and I appreciate you reading this so much! I hope you enjoyed the epilogue, I'd love to know what you think of it 💜
> 
> Special thank you to those who've been reading my fics from the beginning and stuck with me, I love ya'll so so much, and thank you to those who've read this and then gone on to read my other fics! And huge love to those on tumblr for being so great.
> 
> As always you can find me over on tumblr at the same username. I'm gonna miss this fic a lot. I hope to be back with more fics as I have some ideas, plus an abandoned high school au to finish. So hopefully see you next time, and I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well til we meet again 😊
> 
> ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️


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